


Last With Me Through the Night

by idratherhaveyou



Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Best Friends, Eventual Smut, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, Laurent's uncle makes an appearance, M/M, Past Abuse, Slow Burn, nephew!Nicaise, the major character who dies is Auguste...sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2018-11-01 07:49:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 92,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10917489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idratherhaveyou/pseuds/idratherhaveyou
Summary: Laurent and Damen meet as kids, when Laurent moves in next door.  Through the years, they become best friends, helping each other through thick and thin.Which is why, when Jokaste cheats on Damen, leaving Damen wrecked, Laurent does what they've always done for each other.  He's determined to help Damen heal and get over Jokaste.  Neither of them are expecting to fall in love with each other, not after all these years, but that's just what happens.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, guys! Here we go again. As always, this'll be long because I suck and that's all I can write. Oh and it'll definitely be a slow burn. I don't think I can emphasize that enough.  
> Every chapter will start with a flashback to their childhood, some will be long, some will be really short, and some of them will be crazy painful. I'll add tags to the fic once I write/post those chapters and I'll try and give warnings.  
> Umm....oh, the update speed will be slower than I typically update. I'm thinking more like an actual week for each update, but we'll see. I'm just not ahead at all on this one. I do write fast, though.  
> If anyone here is new, you can find me @itsthegameilike on tumblr. I love to chat.  
> As always, I don't know what I'm doing. But this one has been in the back of my brain for a really really long time and it's the most excited I've ever been about something.  
> Anywayyyyy....please enjoy! <3

“Damen, darling, get away from the window.It’s rude to stare.”

“But, Mommy,” Damen whined.

“We’ll go say hi tonight.How’s that sound?”

For a moment, Damen pouted, but then he nodded, his flood of excitement returning.The new neighbors had two boys and they looked close to his age.Ever since Erasmus had moved away, there hadn’t been anyone nearby for Damen to play with and Damen desperately needed someone to play with.Kastor had decided he was too old for games.

“Damen,” his mom said, “you’re still looking out the window.”

Damen hung his head and lowered himself back down onto his feet.Slowly, he walked away from the window and towards the kitchen where his dad was making him lunch, when he heard his mom’s footsteps echo through the house.The living room was covered in carpet, so she must’ve left.

Scurrying back the way he’d came, Damen went back onto his tiptoes to see over a tree and watched as the two boys helped their parents’ unpack the moving truck.The younger one appeared to be having trouble with the boxes, but he was determined, swaying as he picked his way across the driveway and into the house.

There was a laugh behind him and arms scooped him up, hanging him upside down.Though Damen thought maybe he was too old for this now, it was still fun, and Damen laughed happily as his mom carried him into the kitchen and set him on one of the barstools.“You, young man, are going to stay right there.Understand?Your father is keeping a close eye on you.”

“The closest,” his father said, winking as he stirred something in a big black pan on the stove.It smelled delicious, but it was nowhere near as exciting as the boys next door.Kicking his leg against the counter, Damen rested his chin on the marble and started smacking his lips together.

“Son, I love you, but I would really appreciate if you stopped that.It’s going to give me a headache.”

“Sorry, Daddy,” Damen said, stopping.Then, five seconds later, already bored, “Where’s Kas?”

“He’s at a friend’s.”

“Why can’t we go over to the neighbors house now?”

“Because they’re in a strange new place with all their belongings in boxes.They need time to settle in.”

“Okay,” Damen said, hoping they would be settled in soon.It couldn’t be easy being in a strange new place.It was probably a lot like walking into your classroom on the first day of second grade and not recognizing anyone.All of his other friends had had someone.“Do you think they’re scared?”

“Maybe,” his father answered.

“I hope I can make them less scared.Being scared sucks.”

Grinning, his father nodded.“If anyone can make them less scared, it’s you, Damen.”

 

The second dinner was over, Damen started pleading.Craning his head back, he watched as his parents muttered to each other, desperately wanting to be taller and older so he could be a part of the conversation.“Please,” he begged.“Please, please, please.”

“Alright,” his dad said.“Let’s go.”

“Kas,” his mom murmured.

“Kas can meet them later.He’ll be home too late and if we don’t take Damen over today…”

“It’ll be good for him,” his mom said.

“Pretty please with a cherry on top?”

Sighing, his mom said, “Alright, we can go…if you clean your room tomorrow.”

Grimacing, Damen considered the deal.There was nothing he hated more than cleaning his room.He couldn’t even shove all of his things under the bed, because his mom would check under there, pulling everything out and telling him to start over.But there were new people to play with and the sooner he met them, the sooner they could be friends.Damen wanted friends.It was only a couple of days into summer vacation and he was bored out of his mind.Kastor was always gone and Damen’s friends lived far away.He had to beg for rides and he rarely got them, his parents busy with other things.“Okay,” Damen said.“You’ve got a deal.”Then he stuck out a hand.

His mom burst into laughter, glancing at his dad.His dad smirked and accepted the hand, shaking twice.When he pulled his hand away, he clutched it close to his chest and said, “That’s quite the grip you’ve got there, son.”

Puffing up with pride, only making his mom laugh harder, Damen said, “Are we going?Are we going?”

“We’re going,” his father said, picking him up and putting him up on his shoulders.

“I’m going to go grab a bag of cookies from the freezer.I’ll be right back,” his mom said, pecking his dad on the cheek.Damen thought that was sweet.If the movies he watched were any indication, his parents were crazy in love.He hoped he got so lucky one day.

His dad opened the front door, ducking low so Damen didn't hit his head, and stepped out into the warm summer evening, running around the front yard, gripping Damen’s calves hard.Laughing and screaming, Damen told him to go faster and faster and faster, until his dad was out of breath and letting him down.Collapsing on the ground, he said, “Better tell your mom I’ve died.I’ll need a kiss to resuscitate me.”

“Resus…re-sus-tate?”

“Bring me back to life.”

Damen nodded seriously and ran back into the house, practically barreling into his mom, a bag of cookies in her hand.“Darling, you need to watch where you’re going or you’re going to hurt yourself.”

“Daddy’s dead.He needs a kiss.”

“I’m on it,” his mom said.“While I do that, why don’t you head next door?And take these cookies.”

She slowly lowered them into Damen’s arms and then gently pushed him down the front pathway.Without a worry in the world, Damen did as she asked, looking back over his shoulder to see his mom kneeling on the grass and poking his dad in the stomach.They were laughing.

The moving truck was gone and the house was quiet.Skipping up the path, Damen rang the doorbell and waited anxiously, rocking back and forth from the soles of his feet to the pads of his toes. 

The door opened and a woman was standing there, her face kind and lovely.She was very thin, though, and Damen wondered if that was normal.He hoped she was okay.

“Well, hello there,” the woman said.“What can I do for you, young man?”

“I live over there,” Damen said, pointing to his house. 

“Oh, of course.Are those for me?”

“Yes,” Damen replied, handing over the cookies.

“Thank you.They look delicious.”

“My mom made them.”

“Did she?She must be a wonderful baker.”

“She is,” Damen said proudly, rocking even faster on his feet.He knew, though he wasn’t sure why, that he wasn’t supposed to invite himself into the house and search for the two boys he’d seen, but this conversation was getting tiresome.The woman was about to reply when his parents came up behind him.His mom said, “Hi there, I’m Egeria and this is Theo.We live next door and we just wanted to welcome you to the neighborhood.My son is also very interested in meeting your sons, if that’s at all possible.”

“Of course,” the woman said with a smile.“I’m Hennike.Why don’t you all come in?”

Looking up to his parents and receiving a nod, Damen stepped into the house and marveled at the high ceiling, a crystal chandelier hanging from it.There was a gentle hand on his shoulder and Damen looked up to see Hennike smiling down at him, her eyes sparkling.“They’re in the backyard.Just straight through there.”

“Thank you, miss.”And then he was gone, hurrying through the house and stopping in front of the sliding glass door, opening it wide, with only a tiny bit of struggle, his feet slipping on the hardwood floor.When he closed the door behind him and turned around, he saw that the two boys had stopped their activity—passing a soccer ball back and forth—and were staring at him.

“Hi!” Damen said.“I’m Damen.”

“Who?” the youngest boy said, eyes watching him curiously.

The older one crossed the grass, bounded up the steps and met Damen on the deck.“I’m Auguste and that’s Laurent.Where do you live?”

“Next door,” Laurent called.“I saw him looking through the window at us.”

“Sorry,” Damen said.“I know I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Why not?” Laurent asked.

“It’s rude.”

“Is it?”

Auguste nodded sagely.“It invades other people’s privacy.”Damen thought maybe he wouldn’t get to be friends with Auguste, but then the boy grinned.“Do you want to play with us?”

“Could I?”

“Definitely.Know how to play soccer?”

“A little.”

“No worries,” Auguste said.“Laurent isn’t very good, either.”

Laurent stuck out his tongue and waited for the two boys to run down into the grass before passing the ball to Damen.It did miss him by a bit, but Damen loved to run, so he hardly minded.As they passed, Damen said, “How old are you guys?”

“I’m seven,” Laurent said proudly.

“You’re six,” Auguste replied.

“I’m seven in a week!”

“That’s still six.”Turning to Damen, he said, “I’m nine.What about you?”

“Eight.”

“Too bad,” Auguste sighed.“It would’ve been nice to know someone at school.”

“We’ll have the same recess.”

“Will we?” Laurent asked.

Damen thought about that, doing the calculations in his head and then shook it, smiling apologetically.“No.You’ll be with the first graders.”

“Oh.”

The door opened behind them and Hennike stuck her head out.“Auguste, mon amour, will you come help your father and I with something?”

Nodding, Auguste passed the ball off and jogged to the door, leaving Damen and Laurent alone.Damen didn’t mind, but Laurent seemed to close in on himself slightly.Thinking that was entirely unacceptable, Damen said, “Just because we don’t have the same recess doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”

“You want to be my friend?”

“Yeah,” Damen said.“I’m desperate for friends.Do you want to be mine?”

There was a moment of silence and then Laurent brightened, eyes big and smile wide.“Yes.”

 

18 Years Later

 

_D: I need you_

_L: You do realize it’s one in the morning, right?_

_D: Please_

_L: Are you home?_

_D: No_

_L: Damen, I’m going to need more information._

_D: I’m at Jokaste’s_

_D: Well, actually, I’m sitting on the side of the road at Jokaste’s_

_L: I’ll be right there._

_D: You’re the best_

_L: Yes.I know._

Sniffling, Damen watched the screen on his phone go black and then he put his head in his hands, trying to erase the image of Kastor fucking his girlfriend from his mind.Ex-girlfriend now.But he couldn’t.He couldn’t erase the soft moans she’d been making or how completely his brother’s body had covered hers as he fucked into her over and over again, fast and hard.

He didn’t know what he’d done wrong.Was he bad in bed?Was he a terrible boyfriend?There was no way he was worse than Kastor, but they probably weren’t dating.Maybe he should’ve asked that before he’d slammed the door to her bedroom and walked out of the house.He’d been speechless, though.It had been so unexpected.

Why his brother of all fucking people?

That was the worst part.Kastor had hurt him, had betrayed him.His own brother.They weren’t the best of friends, but they got along fine.  They weren’t going to now.Damen knew that for sure.This was a problem Kastor would run from and Damen would need an apology to even begin thinking of talking to him again.

“Fuck,” Damen breathed, hitting his fist against his thigh.  The flowers he'd brought to ease an early morning surprise visit were in his other hand and he hurled them into the street, petals scattering as they smashed into the pavement.

And then it only got worse.Behind him, he heard the sound of a door closing.Not bothering to turn around, not wanting to engage with whoever was walking his way, Damen focused on breathing.In and out.In and out.

“Damen,” Jokaste said, her voice quiet and pitying.God, the last thing he needed was her pity.“Let me explain.”

“I take it you waited to do this until you got off.”

“Damen, look at me.”

“No thanks,” Damen replied, keeping his head firmly in his hands.

“I’m sorry you had to find out that way.I’m sorry that I fucked him.You have to understand that…”

“I really don’t want to know right now,” Damen said.“I really could give less of a fuck, to be honest.Just go back inside and screw _my brother_ some more.I’m sure he’s good and ready.The only reason you’d fuck your brother’s girlfriend is if you got off on it.”

“Damen, please, just…”

Lifting his head from his hands, he turned his body towards her and saw her standing there in a shift, clutching her arms around her stomach and crying silently, her tears catching in the soft lamplight.She was so lovely, even when she was breaking his heart.For just a moment, Damen played through the conversation in his head; the one where he forgave her as long as she promised to never have sex with Kastor again.  She would promise and they could go back to what they had. 

Except they were beyond that now.  They couldn't ever go back, no matter what she said.  Damen knew he couldn’t trust her.Not ever again.And it was so fucking awful, because he loved her so much. 

That was all he was thinking as he said, “I love you.But I can’t.It doesn’t matter what you say, Jokaste.Please, just leave me alone.”

“But I…”

“Don’t.Don’t fucking say you love me, because you definitely don’t.You don’t do that to someone you love.”

The tears were running down her face faster and she wiped them away with a shaky hand.“I’m not leaving until you’ve let me explain.”

Damen closed his eyes, knowing she meant what she said.She would stand there all night if she had to.“My brother?” he growled.“Did you really have to cheat on me with my brother?”

“We’d had a lot to drink and I…”Seeing the dark expression on Damen’s face, she stopped, clearly trying to find a new tactic.That was when Laurent showed up, the headlights of his car flooding the space between them with pale light.Within seconds, they were off and Laurent was getting out of his car, rising slowly, glancing between Jokaste and Damen.

“Damen,” he said.“What’s going on?”

“She fucked Kastor.”

Jokaste winced, stepping back and her eyes flew to Laurent, words on her tongue, ready to defend herself.Damen wondered how long she’d been preparing an explanation before she came out here.Luckily, Laurent had no interest, paying her as little attention as a bug on the sidewalk.Strolling to Damen, he knelt in front of him and whispered, “What do you need?”

“I just…I need her to go.”

“Okay,” Laurent said.Gently, he squeezed Damen’s shoulder, before standing and saying, “Go back inside, you motherfucking bitch.”

“Laurent…”

“Do you really think you can plead with me?I won’t say it again.”

There was a long silence.Presumably, Jokaste went back inside, because Laurent was kneeling beside him again and tugging softly on Damen’s hair, asking him silently to remove his head from his hands.Damen hadn’t even realized it’d fallen back there.When Damen did as requested, Laurent carefully brushed away his tears with his thumbs.“I’m going to fucking kill her and Kastor.Do you have a preference for how it’s done?”

“You shouldn’t have called her a bitch.That’s kind of awful.And sexist.”

Laurent rolled his eyes.“You didn’t answer my question.”

“You’re not going to kill either of them.”

“Fine.We’ll come back to that.Do you want to come back to my place?”

Damen nodded, but he didn’t move.There was a sigh and then Laurent sat beside him on the curb, their shoulders touching.It was comforting and Damen felt a wave of safety wash over him.There was no one who knew him better or who he trusted more and it was just what he needed to start fucking crying again; these terrible, heaving, wracking sobs.“I love her.I don’t…what did I do wrong?What happened?”

There was a low growl beside him and Laurent brought Damen’s head to his shoulder, holding the back of his neck as he cried.“You did nothing wrong, Damen.You did not fuck anyone.”

“But…”

“Well, obviously, she’s an idiot.That’s the only explanation.Because you are the best goddamn thing she ever had or will ever have.And here I thought she knew that.”

Damen kept sobbing, until he was aware enough to notice the feel of Laurent’s fingers stroking the back of his neck in time with his own breathing.Following that rhythm, Damen started to slow his breathing, until the sobs were more like hiccups.Removing his head from Laurent’s shoulder, he rubbed at his eyes and murmured, “I thought she loved me.”

“You aren’t the only one.”

“What am I going to do?”

“Get the fuck over her,” Laurent said.

“Yeah,” Damen sighed.“Sounds easy.”

“It will be.You’ve got me.”

Smiling for the first time in what felt like hours, but was more like forty-five minutes, Damen said, “I do.Thank god.”

Returning the smile, Laurent helped Damen up and then drove them back to his house.Parking on the street directly in front of it, Laurent unbuckled his seat belt and said, “Do you want me to run to the store and buy some ice cream?”

“You don’t have ice cream?”

“Nicaise ate it all.For breakfast.”

“How did he get away with that?” Damen asked.

“He ate it while I was in the shower.  Set an alarm to do it.”

“God, I love that kid.”

“You’re getting distracted again.”

“Sorry,” Damen murmured, feeling strung out and uninterested in making any decisions at all.“No.It’s fine.I don’t want to impose or anything.”

“You’re exhausting,” Laurent said, getting out of the car and slamming the door behind him.Damen watched as he came around the car to open Damen’s door for him.“You are not imposing and you know that very well.You are incapable of imposing, Damen.”

“I know, but it is one in the morning and…”

“Get out of the car.”

“Okay,” Damen said, happy to have instructions of some kind.Unbuckling, he slid out of the car.Laurent shut the door behind him and then led the way to his front door, unlocking it and ushering Damen in.They were quiet, but when there was a loud crash from the kitchen area, Laurent rolled his eyes and flung his shoes into the closet by the door, clearly reveling in the bangs they made as they hit the wall.

“I take it he’s not supposed to be up,” Damen said.

“No,” Laurent sighed.“But you know he doesn’t listen to me.I’m going to go deal with that.I want you to go sit on the couch and turn on the TV.If all you can manage is mindless channel flipping, that’s fine.I’ll come save you eventually.”

Then Laurent slipped down the hall, leaving Damen to wander to the living room himself.He did manage that much, but when he slumped into the couch, he fell over sideways and didn’t move, not even to turn on the TV.Instead, he stared blankly at the wall next to it and wandered how it was possible emotional pain could hurt so goddamn badly.He wanted to tear himself apart piece by piece until it all stopped.

The couch sunk by his head and Damen looked over to see Nicaise’s soft, boyish face peering down at him, blue eyes wide.“Hey, kid,” Damen whispered.

“I hate her.”

“Yeah, I can see how you would.”

“You should, too.”

“Okay.I think you should go to bed,” Damen said.“You have school in the morning.”

“I can do what I like.I’m almost nine.”

Laughing, Damen pinched him in the side and felt some of the pain ease for a moment at Nicaise’s squeal and laughter.Wriggling away, he stood and fled up the stairs.The spot he’d been occupying was quickly snagged by Laurent, who looked exhausted.

“You should go to bed, too,” Damen murmured.

“Like hell.I’m not leaving you alone right now.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“You’ll text Jokaste if I leave you alone for longer than ten minutes,” Laurent said.

“You look exhausted.”

“I am,” Laurent yawned.“I thought when Nicaise got older, he might become less work, but he’s not.Not even remotely.I just…I still don’t know what I’m doing.Obviously.”

“You’re doing fine.He’s a good kid.”

“He had _ice cream_ for breakfast,” Laurent said.

Sitting up, Damen caught Laurent’s eyes and said, “You are doing fine.”

“Thank you,” Laurent whispered.“Now, give me your phone.”

“What?No.”

“Yes.”

“No way in hell.”

Laurent stuck out his hand and waited, face still and smooth.Frowning, Damen dug his phone out of his pocket and slapped it into Laurent’s hand, knowing it wasn’t a battle he could win.It was possible for Damen to out-stubborn Laurent, but not when he was like this and certainly not when Laurent was right.

Holding it to his chest, Laurent said, “Do you want to watch TV?”

“No.”

“Play a video game?”

“You hate video games.”

“Offer still stands.”

“No,” Damen sighed, wishing he did want to.It was rare when Laurent played video games with him, probably because he was terrible and tended to die quickly.And Laurent hated losing.“I just want to think about Jokaste and mope.”

“Jesus.”

“I did just break up with my girlfriend, you emotionless dickwad.”

“I’m sorry.I’ll try to lessen my judgmental tone by half.”

“That would be much appreciated,” Damen said, smiling despite himself.“I mean, good god, how many times have you had to do this?You think you’d know what you’re doing by now.”

“You would, wouldn’t you?It’s almost like bickering has an effect.”

That brought Damen to a halt.He didn’t feel particularly better at the moment, but he had while they’d been talking.Probably because he’d been distracted, but it had worked.“Wow,” he said.“Alright.I didn’t know you actually had a tactic.”

“Of course I do.Like you said, I’ve done this plenty of times.Besides, when do I not have a tactic?”

“Are you sure I…”

“No, you cannot have your phone back.Let’s all take a moment to remember three years ago, when that Mexican guy, whatever his name was…”

“You know his name,” Damen interrupted.

“Broke up with you and you insisted on having your phone and then you texted him a series of the most embarrassing texts I’ve ever read at three in the morning.At which point, you called me at five, waking me up, and panicked for an hour.And that was Mexican guy.This is Jokaste.”

“What’s the difference?” Damen murmured.

“You thought she was the one,” Laurent said simply, the tone of his voice clearly indicating he found the notion of 'the one' ridiculous.  But it was still a genuine observation, because he knew Damen believed in it with all his heart.

“I did, didn’t I?”

“Yes.”

With a sigh, Damen spread out, lying his legs over Laurent’s lap.“Go to bed, Laurent.You have to get up in five hours.”

“Four and a half.”

“Whatever.”

“Are you going to be alright?” Laurent asked.

Damen shrugged.

“Then I’m not leaving.You stayed with me all night when my parents died and when Auguste died and when…”

“Those were…this is just a break up.”

“You’re in pain.That’s all that matters.”

Shaking his head, Damen said, “It was a good day you moved in next door to me.”

“You always say that.”

“It doesn’t stop being true,” Damen said.Then after a long silence, Damen continued by saying, “You know, I always think it’ll get easier, the more break ups I go through.I think that I’ll know what to expect, I’ll know that it will destroy me for weeks after that I can’t see them, I’ll know that I’ll see them again, briefly, to gather my things, I’ll know that it will pass and I’ll be fine and I’ll find someone new, but it never gets easier.Frankly, it gets harder as I get older.”Closing his eyes, he continued by saying, “What if she was it, Laurent?What if she’s the closest thing I’ll ever find and I’ll end up spending all of my life alone.It terrifies me.I want kids, I want…”

“Damen,” Laurent whispered.“You are an idiot.”

“Thanks.”

“Was that insensitive?”

“A bit.”

“You are, though,” Laurent said.“You have consistently been one of the best people in my life.There is no way in hell you will end up alone.You’re only twenty-six for fuck’s sake.”

“That feels old.”

“It really isn’t.”

“Helps to be twenty-five, I bet.”

“Oh for…you know what we should do?”

“You’re using that tone of voice,” Damen said.“And I don’t like it.”

“What tone of voice is that?”

“The one where you think you’ve got a brilliant idea and it mostly involves dragging me into something I don’t really want to do and is possibly illegal and then I end up having more fun than you do, somehow.”

“Perfect.That’s exactly what is about to happen.I think we should go egg Jokaste’s car.And Kastor’s, if it’s still there.”

“Right now?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because,” Laurent said, pushing Damen’s legs from his lap and standing, “it will make you feel better and I know this because I’m your best friend.You need action, you need a place to vent your anger, and you need someone to do it with you.”He didn’t even wait for a response, going into the kitchen and flicking on the lights, a sliver of light pouring from that room into the living room.Feeling a buzz of anticipation under his skin, Damen sat up and tried to think of an excuse to stop this.It was hard to stop Laurent when he was in this kind of mood.

The anticipation grew and Damen realized he was smiling.He didn’t want it to stop.Pushing himself from the couch, Damen went into the kitchen and picked up the carton Laurent had left on the counter.He was searching for another, obviously thinking he had more than one, but one was enough.“Let’s go,” Damen said.

Laurent swiveled and grinned, the tired lines of his face easing.“Let’s go.”

 

And that was how they found themselves at Jokaste’s house at three in the morning, pelting Jokaste’s car with eggs.Kastor’s car was gone, which brought Damen a small measure of relief.At least she’d been uninterested in fucking him again after that.

“I bet I can hit the side mirror,” Laurent said.

“No way.That’s too small a target.”

Flashing him a grin, Laurent took his time, judging the distance, practicing his throw a couple of times, before he let the egg fly and it smashed against the very top of the side mirror, yolk spilling down and dripping onto the pavement.“Well, fuck,” Damen said, searching for a better target, something to outdo Laurent with.“I bet I can hit the sunroof.”

“Of course you can.You’re tall enough to see it.”

“The license plate?”

“Not quite as impressive as the side mirror.”

Bumping Laurent playfully, Damen aimed for the license plate and hit it.Holding up his hand for a high five, he saw Laurent roll his eyes before slapping his hand.

It didn’t take long before they were out of eggs and when they piled into Laurent's Acura, Damen was still smiling, despite not actively doing anything.Leaning his head against the headrest and lolling it towards Laurent, Damen said, “That definitely helped.”

“That shouldn’t surprise you.When have I ever been wrong?”

“You have, but I’ll admit, I can’t come up with examples right now.”

Laurent hummed.“That’s really too bad.”

The drive home was comfortably silent and Damen stared up at the sky, watching the moon filter in and out of trees.They parked in the driveway of Laurent’s house and it only hit once Damen’s shoes were off and he was contemplating a shower.Laurent was beside him on the couch, yawning and reading a book.

“Oh god,” Damen said, “She’s going to know it was me.We really shouldn’t have done that.”

“Of course she’s going to know it was you you and she won’t do anything about it.”

“She won’t?”

“No,” Laurent said.“She knows what I will do if she does.”

“If there was someone who wouldn’t be afraid of you yelling at them, it would be her.”

“I wouldn’t worry, Damen.”

“Okay,” Damen said through a yawn.“You’re always right, so…”

“Exactly.Are you ready to sleep?”

“I think I am, yeah.”

“Do you want me to set you up on the couch or do you want to come upstairs?”

Laughing, Damen said, “It’s been a long time since we’ve slept in the same bed together.”

“It’s been a year, Damen.That is not a long time.Especially considering how old we are.”

“I think I’ll come upstairs.”

“I figured.”

“Hey, a bed’s better than a couch,” Damen said.

Setting down his book, Laurent nodded, yawning yet again.A warmth of affection ran through Damen, amazed, as always, at Laurent’s dedication and loyalty.Together, they rose from the couch and Laurent led the way upstairs.The moment he saw the bed, Damen shucked off his jeans and got into it, ignoring Laurent’s protests, most of them involving hygiene.And, against all odds, Damen was asleep.


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, you guys are so good to me, it's amazing. I swear to god, I'll never fucking get used to it. Thank you so so much  
> And thank you to Mari for being such a wonderful beta  
> Enjoy! <3

Hurrying over to the deVere house under the watchful eyes of his parents, Damen knocked on the door and waited anxiously.Aleron, Laurent and Auguste’s father, opened it and Damen sped past him with a quick hello and smile, not wanting to be too rude.Up the stairs he went and into Auguste’s room, his door wide open and welcoming. 

Auguste was lying on his bed, doing something on his laptop—something Damen desperately wanted for himself, but his parents said he wasn’t old enough to need one.When Auguste heard footsteps, he looked up and grinned, carefree and happy.“Hi,” he said.“Did you bring it?”

Nodding, Damen slung his backpack to the floor and began to dig through it.Finding what he was looking for, Damen whipped out one of Kastor’s DVD’s, _V For Vendetta_.Kastor would probably kill him if he found it missing, but the delight on Auguste’s face was worth it.At recess yesterday, they’d been discussing what their parents forbid them from watching and rated R movies had been on the list.Damen had excitedly told Auguste about Kastor’s collection—he was significantly older than all of them at fourteen—and Auguste had asked if he could steal one.

Auguste held out his hand and Damen handed over the DVD, watching as Auguste inserted it into his player.“We should probably shut the door,” Damen said.“Just in case.”

Auguste’s teeth began to worry his lip and he said, “I don’t like to lock Laurent out.”

“I’ll leave him a note,” Damen said, walking over to Auguste’s desk and grabbing a clean piece of paper from the first drawer.With a bright red crayon, he scrawled out a short explanation for the closed door, a secret knock he could use if he wanted to come in, and then walked across the hall to Laurent’s closed door.Sliding the paper underneath, Damen retreated to Auguste’s room, shutting the door behind him.

Grinning, Auguste held out one headphone and played the movie.

 

Fifteen minutes in, the secret knock sounded on the door.Damen removed his headphone and slid off the bed, cracking the door slightly.Laurent was standing there, eyes curious.“What are you guys doing?” he asked.

“Watching an R rated movie.”

“Oh,” Laurent sighed.“That’s boring.”

“It’s actually pretty good,” Damen said.And it was.Though, he didn’t think he entirely understood what was going on and there were lots of big words, especially in that one speech in the beginning, with all the v words.Auguste had tried to explain it, but Damen suspected he didn’t know either.

Shrugging, Laurent turned back to his room, the door snicking shut.It was a sad sound and Damen felt sure he’d done something wrong somehow.

Most of the time, it wasn’t complicated being Laurent’s friend.He, Auguste, and Laurent would spend hours together almost everyday, playing sports, talking, building forts, but when he and Auguste started hanging out without Laurent originally present, Laurent got closed off.

Damen hadn’t figured out why.And he was determined to.Because he’d told Laurent they were going to be friends and their friendship shouldn’t be dependent on Auguste.Damen knew that much. 

Not wanting to abandon Auguste, though, Damen closed the door and wandered back to the bed, shrugging at Auguste, who started the movie back up.

When it finished, Auguste looked up at the clock on his computer and said, “My mom’s going to have dinner ready in about a half hour.Are you going to stay?”

“Probably,” Damen said.

“Want to see if we can get Laurent to kick a ball around with us before dinner?”

“Sure.”

They both stood, but when they were standing outside Laurent’s door, Damen said, “Can I ask?Alone?”

“Yeah,” Auguste said with a smile.“My mom will want help with dinner, anyway.”

Returning the smile, Damen waited until Auguste had descended the stairs before he knocked on the door.There was a long silence and then Laurent opened the door slowly.When he saw Damen standing there alone, the curiosity, that was almost always present in his eyes, went from a flicker to a flame.“What?” Laurent asked.

“Can I come in?”

Nodding, Laurent left the door and went to sit on his bed, legs dangling off the side, nowhere near touching the floor.When Damen sat down beside him, he could almost reach the floor.“Why didn’t you watch the movie with us?” Damen asked.

“I didn’t want to.”

“But you looked sad.”

Laurent rubbed his nose and looked down at his feet, kicking them against his bed.“You like Auguste better than me, don’t you?Everyone likes Auguste better than me.”

Damen considered that.He wanted to answer honestly, just like his parents had taught him, but there didn’t seem to be an easy answer to this one.It was true that he did spend more time with Auguste, but that was simply due to convenience.Beyond that, Auguste was easy to talk to, to understand, to get along with, because he was a lot like Damen.He loved playing, he loved people, he smiled and laughed easily, he was kind and whatever Damen wanted to do, he wanted to do and vice versa.

Laurent was different.He was quieter.Shyer.Sometimes, when Auguste and Damen wanted to play, he preferred to read chapter books.It took time to get him into the conversation, but once he was there, he was the spark and Damen adored that spark. 

He was more competitive, more selective, and he neither followed nor led.

The two were incomparable.

And they loved each other fiercely. 

Damen loved them both fiercely.They were the first real friends he’d had.

“I don’t,” Damen answered.

“You don’t ask to watch movies with me.”

“I will now,” Damen said.

“And you’ll invite Auguste and he’ll say yes.”

“I don’t want to leave anyone out.”

Laurent nodded and didn’t respond.The silence that followed wasn’t right.If Damen had fixed the problem, whatever it was, Laurent would’ve been talking.When he wasn’t upset about something, Damen could count on him to share, with excited passion, information about whatever he was reading.“What?” Damen asked, kicking Laurent’s foot with his.

“It’s not fair.Auguste has friends and I don’t have any.I just want a friend.A friend that’s mine.”

“Okay,” Damen said.Then he stood, taking Laurent’s hand in his and dragging him out of his room, down the stairs, and out the front door.Asking Laurent to wait, he ran back to his house and found his sidewalk chalk in the garage.As he walked back to Laurent, he looked up at the clouded sky, and begged it not to rain.Sitting down on the sidewalk at Laurent’s feet, Damen pulled out a green piece of chalk and started to draw a tree.

After a minute, Laurent sat down beside him and asked for the orange one.Silently, he added a sun to Damen’s picture.

And that was how they spent the time before dinner, Hennike calling for them to come inside and wash up as the sun began to set.They left the chalk on the sidewalk and stood.Grinning, Damen reached over and wiped his chalky hand down Laurent’s shirt, leaving a faint pink streak—the last color he’d used. 

Laurent looked down at the streak and then chased after Damen, trying to do the same.Just as they were about to sprint through the front door, Damen slowed slightly and let Laurent catch him.They were both laughing breathlessly, occasionally wiping more chalk off on each other. 

They were both quickly ferried to the kitchen sink, Laurent standing on the tips of his toes to reach the water, and as they fought over the stream, Laurent grinned widely at him.If that was all it took to keep Laurent happy, Damen knew he would do it everyday for the rest of his life.

 

18 Years Later

 

When Damen woke, it was six twenty-three in the morning, seven minutes before Laurent’s alarm was due to go off.Ever since Laurent had started his job at a local publishing company three years ago, working from the ground up, he’d gotten up at the same time every weekday. 

Sighing, Damen stared at the ceiling and wondered what Jokaste was doing, if she was awake, if she missed him, if she was staring at her phone, debating whether she should call.It was good Laurent had taken his phone, because he would be doing just that right now.He didn’t know what he would say or what he wanted to hear, but he missed her voice and waking up beside her, her long blonde hair spilling across the mattress.

It was a scene his brother had probably witnessed.

“Goddammit,” Damen sighed, feeling the tears coming again.He didn’t want to cry.It was the last thing he wanted, but there didn’t seem to be anything he could do to stop it.The tears were ripped from him and he could feel his sobs wake Laurent up, the bed shifting as he moved.

“Hey,” Laurent murmured, his voice scratchy with sleep.There was more movement and then bed-warm hands were gripping the sides of Damen’s head and forcing it sideways, so that Damen’s cheek was resting on Laurent’s thigh.Once there, the hands turned gentle, moving into his hair and stroking.Laurent didn’t say another word.At least, not until his alarm started blaring and then he let out a string of curses that would’ve been amusing if Damen was in any other mood.

The stroking ceased, Laurent’s body straining to reach the alarm without disturbing Damen.Damen was about to suggest he could move, when the hands were back and the alarm was off.In a low murmur, Laurent said, “Do you need me to take the day off work?”

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

Damen nodded, dislodging Laurent’s hands, and sat up, wiping his eyes.Just when he thought he’d maybe be okay, another wave of bone-deep sadness wracked through him, forcing a low moan from his mouth.“I miss her,” he mumbled.“I’m not going to text her good morning today.I’ve texted her good morning everyday for over a year.”

“I’m sure her response to that text was truly thrilling.”

“That’s not the point.”

Laurent yawned, stretching, popping his shoulders.“I assume the point is the routine?”

“Yes.”

“Make a new routine, then.Text me good morning everyday if you feel the need to text someone.”

“I don’t really think…”

Laurent caught his eyes, challenging him, and despite himself, Damen smiled.Judging by Laurent’s slight shake of the head, though, it was actually a grimace.“You should take a shower,” Laurent said, getting off the bed and heading into his bathroom, directly across from the bed.Five seconds later, Damen heard the running of sink water.When Laurent came back out, leaning against the doorjamb, he was brushing his teeth.

Slumping back into the headboard, Damen said, “That would require getting out of bed.”

“You love crying in the shower,” Laurent said around his toothbrush, somehow avoiding what should’ve been the inevitable trail of toothpaste and spit. 

“Maybe I’m done crying.”

Laurent just rolled his eyes and retreated back into his bathroom.It was another minute before he came back to the bed and sat on the edge.“Well, if you’re not going to shower, I’m going to.”

“You do that.”

“I will then,” Laurent said.“I don’t suppose I could convince you to cook some breakfast?”Damen didn’t say anything.It felt like something he should do to thank Laurent for everything he’d done for him, but he was pretty sure if he did, he would end up burning everything.Smirking, Laurent said, “I didn’t think so.”

“Can I have my phone back?”

Laurent eyed him and then sighed, heading to his side of the bed and pulling Damen’s phone out from underneath his pillow. 

“Seriously?” Damen said.“That’s where you hid it?”

“I knew if you were to look, you wouldn’t look there, assuming I’d find a better hiding place.”After opening the curtains, blinding Damen briefly, he headed to the bathroom and said, “Don’t do anything stupid.”Then he shut the door of the bathroom and a minute later the shower burst to life, the sound of water rushing through pipes permeating the room.Tapping his finger against the back of his phone, Damen considered putting his phone back under Laurent’s pillow and pretending he didn’t know where it was.Either Jokaste had texted him or she hadn’t and Damen wasn’t sure he wanted to know either way. 

And then there was Nikandros to consider.He might’ve texted and Damen didn’t want to worry him.

Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Damen pressed the button on the side of the phone.Then he snuck a glance and saw no messages.No missed calls, either.It was completely anti-climactic, but probably for the best.

Getting situated back under the covers, Damen rolled onto his side and closed his eyes, hoping he could get more sleep.But he started thinking about Jokaste, her smile, her voice, her laugh, the way she looked in the morning while making coffee, and Damen felt a sudden, desperate urge to text her.

It was lucky he didn’t know what to say, because by the time he’d decided on a simple ‘how are you?’ Laurent had exited the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist, his hair a disheveled mess.“Don’t do it,” he said, beelining for the walk-in closet. 

“I wasn’t doing anything,” Damen replied.

“Of course you weren’t.”

“Do you think she’s alright?I hope she’s alright.”

“Good god, Damen, she fucked your brother.”

“You really suck at the comforting thing.”

“I always have,” Laurent called.“And yet you always come back to me.”His head popped out of the closet and he grinned, blowing Damen a kiss.

“I’m going to throw a pillow at your face if I have to look at it for another second.”

“You love my face.Everyone loves my face.”

“It’s an alright face,” Damen grumbled.Then, after a long pause entirely devoted to remembering in vivid detail what Jokaste had done last night, Damen continued by saying, “How long do you think they were fucking?Do you think that was the first time?Or do you think they did it a lot?In which case, how the fuck did I not know?How the fuck did _you_ not know?”

“I suggest you stop thinking about it altogether.”

“Ah, yes, of course.Why did I think to ask the man who bottles up all of his emotions?”

Laurent strolled out of the closet, wearing dark, well-fit jeans, and a long navy sweater with a white collar poking out at the top.In a calm voice, without any heat, Laurent said, “You’re being an asshole.”

Damen sighed.“Sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Laurent replied, smiling softly.It was a smile Damen hadn’t seen him give to anyone else besides him and Nicaise since his brother had died.It was his favorite smile, in fact.“I’m going to go make something for breakfast.Can I expect you to get out of bed or would you like me to bring it up to you?”

“Would you bring it up to me?”

Laurent considered him, crossing his arms over his chest.“Yes.Fine.But I am only doing this today.Any of this.That is your grace period.Are we clear?”

“That’s not a lot of time.”

“I’m sure you can handle it,” Laurent said.“Would you like me to take your phone with me?”

“Yeah,” Damen sighed, tossing his phone to Laurent who caught it without blinking.With a last smile, he left the room.Damen listened as Laurent’s feet pattered down the stairs, glad he hadn’t woken up in his apartment completely alone.That would’ve been bad.Beyond bad.Damen did not do well alone, especially when he was emotional.He was going to have to manage today, though.Somehow.Maybe he should have Laurent stay home from work.

Except that Damen would want to stay in bed all day and Laurent simply wasn’t capable of that.He had been, once, when he was younger, but that had all changed when the fiasco that was Laurent’s adolescence happened.And Damen knew he couldn’t ask it of Laurent.

The silence started to wear on Damen.He absentmindedly started to search for his phone, thinking to play music, only to remember he’d given that to Laurent.Wisely.

Groaning, Damen shifted to his stomach and buried his face in Laurent’s pillow, smelling the cool scent of the detergent Laurent used.It was impressive how often he managed to wash these sheets.Damen was terrible about that.

Memories of Jokaste started to wind their way through Damen’s brain.There they were dancing in his old, ratty kitchen to slow, sappy songs.There they were running on the beach, Damen scooping her into his arms and spinning her around in circles until they both fell into the sand.There they were making love, her toned legs wrapped around his lower back, her long blonde hair spilling down around her breasts.Moaning into the pillow, Damen started chanting to himself.“She fucked Kastor, she fucked Kastor, she fucked Kastor…”

It wasn’t working.He was confused and heartbroken and he felt like a fucking tornado; a windstorm of destroyed things.Memories that had once been pleasant—something he would recall when in bad moods or on slow days at work—were now tarnished, laced with the disagreeable taste of what Jokaste had done.And his emotions were as indecipherable as Nicaise’s handwriting.He felt guilty, angry, concerned, scared, depressed…it was exhausting.

It occurred to him as he was feeling sorry for himself that he should call into work.There hadn’t been a moment where he’d considered going, but it was the first time today he’d realized that the world wasn’t going to stop for him.Cursing, Damen sat up, the covers slipping off his chest.Rubbing his tired eyes, he swung his legs around and was about to step onto the carpeted floor, when Laurent said, “Are you telling me I didn’t need to carry this all the way up here?”

Turning his head, Damen saw Laurent framed in the doorway, a tray in his hands.Hot eggs and a cup of coffee were steaming and two pieces of toast were glistening in the early morning light, likely heavily buttered, just the way he liked them.Slowly rotating back into bed, Damen said, “I was going to come down and get my phone so I could call into work.”

“So that is what you’re telling me.”

“I guess.”

Sighing dramatically, Laurent strolled over and carefully settled the tray on Damen’s lap.“You don’t have to worry about work.I already called in for you.”

Damen smiled.“Thank you, Laurent.”

“And I’ve called in as well.”

“You didn’t have to…”

“Shut up,” Laurent said.“I know I didn’t.But as I was cooking breakfast, I realized I would be leaving you alone all day and that seemed unwise.I knew you wouldn’t ask me to stay, so I made an executive decision.”

“I’m going to be boring.”

“It’s your one day, Damen.You are allowed whatever you’d like.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Laurent said easily, the monotony of it born from years saying it.Settling on the edge of the bed and snatching a chunk of egg from Damen’s plate with two slender fingers, he continued by saying, “Now, what would you like to do with your day?”

“I did say I would be boring, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but there are many forms of boring.”

Staring down at his eggs, feeling distinctly less hungry now that food was in front of him, Damen shuffled through the options, trying to come up with something that would entertain Laurent, but that he was also capable of doing.There weren’t many of those.Then, in a flash of brilliance, it occurred to him.“Could you read to me?”

“All day?”

“It’ll be a test of endurance.”

“Alright,” Laurent said.“I suppose you want me to pick the reading material?”

“That’d be good.”

Laurent’s eyes grew distant and Damen felt his stomach warm slightly with affection, battling the cold emptiness oozing from his chest.It was a singular experience, watching Laurent interact with books, however he was doing so.He loved them more than he loved most things.They’d helped him through things that even Damen had been unable to help him through.Gradually, brightness returned to his blue eyes and Laurent rose from the bed.“I’m going to go fetch _The Giver_ and _The Hobbit_.And some breakfast.Eat.Once you start, you’ll be hungry.”

Grudgingly, Damen started eating and by the time Laurent returned, more than half of the plate was in his stomach.Only when Laurent smirked at him did Damen realize just how much he’d eaten and that he was still eating, shoveling eggs into his mouth.As he often was with Laurent, Damen was struck with the fact that there was a person on the planet who knew him better than he knew himself.For someone like him, who wasn’t particularly introspective, it was a relief.

Without being prompted, Laurent started reading _The Giver_ , his familiar voice, insouciant and slightly affected, easing Damen into a stupor.

At eight-thirty, about halfway through the book, Laurent closed it and said, “I have to help Nicaise with breakfast and lunch and then walk him to the bus stop.I’ll be back.Oh, and Nik texted about an hour ago.Do you want your phone back so you can talk to him?”

Damen shook his head.“He’s at work by now.”

Nodding, Laurent ruffled Damen’s hair, laughing as Damen feebly tried to beat him away, and then left.

When he came back a half hour later, they picked up right where they’d left off and that was how they spent the rest of the day, even when Nicaise got home, for he was happy to listen to Laurent read as well.By the time both books were finished, Laurent’s voice was quiet and raspy and his water bottle was empty. 

“Are you spending the night again?” Laurent murmured as he pulled a wriggling Nicaise into his lap and brushed his fingers through the gentle waves.It looked as though Nicaise was going to protest, but then Laurent kissed him on the top of the head and he settled, allowing it.

“I should go home,” Damen sighed.

“Are you saying that because you think you’re imposing or are you saying that because you’d actually like to be home and are capable of being alone?”

“I don’t know.I have to take the leap eventually, right?”

“Yes, I suppose.You are free to stay, though.”

“I know,” Damen said, smiling at Laurent and Nicaise.They returned his smiles and Damen thought about what it would be like if this was he life.He’d considered it before.They both had.Laurent was largely uninterested in dating, having made a couple entirely disastrous attempts, and whenever Damen landed in a situation where he was alone again, they broached the topic.They hadn’t actually lived together before, but Damen knew they could.Easily.It was a surprise, in fact, that they hadn’t by now. 

“What are you thinking?” Laurent asked, watching him curiously.

“Oh, I was back on the us growing old together and swearing off dating thing.”

“And we always decide you aren’t capable of swearing off dating.”

“Yeah,” Damen sighed.

“You would have to, Damen.I won’t have random people wandering through here all the time.Not while Nicaise is living here.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” Nicaise said, shrugging.

“Well, I would, as Damen knows,” Laurent said to Nicaise, tickling his stomach lightly.

“In complete seriousness, though, if I did swear off dating, would living here still be on the table?”

Laurent smiled.“Of course.It’s always been you and me, Damen, and that will never change.It would be easy for me to convert my library into a bedroom.”

Nicaise yawned loudly and Laurent laughed.“If it’s something you want, let me know, and we’ll discuss what needs to be done.Not now, though.We’re boring Nicaise.”

“Okay,” Damen said.“I think I’ll go home and do some thinking.Do you mind driving me to my car?”

“Not at all,” Laurent said.

And they did just that, Nicaise coming with them, falling asleep in the backseat halfway to Jokaste’s house.When they arrived, Damen leaned over and kissed Laurent on the cheek as his way of thanks, before getting out of the car and finding his own.After Laurent turned his car around, he flicked his lights off and then back on in goodbye.

 

When Damen got back to his apartment—his silent and empty apartment—there were reminders of Jokaste everywhere.Without a thought, Damen pulled out his phone and called Laurent.

“Miss me already?” Laurent said when he picked up the phone.

“She’s everywhere.”

“Put her in a box.”

“I don’t have a box.”

Laurent sighed.“I have to get Nicaise in the bath, Damen, before he actually falls asleep.  You need to figure this out by yourself.If you’re still clueless in a half hour, call me.”

“I’m…”

“Don’t apologize.There’s nothing to apologize for.”

“Sorry.”

Laurent laughed exasperatedly and then hung up the phone.Putting his phone back into his pocket, Damen glanced around his apartment morosely.There was the throw blanket she’d given him, the candles she’d set up on his coffee table, and the apron she wore while cooking still on the counter of his kitchen where’d he placed it with the intention of washing it.Even the empty wine bottle that she’d bought him sitting by the sink made him want to cry.Deciding he couldn’t deal with it now, Damen wandered into his bedroom, which was largely free of her.The drawer she’d claimed was closed and as long as he didn’t go into the bathroom, where all her toiletries were for nights she stayed over, he would be fine.

Removing his clothes, Damen crawled into bed and brought the sheets up to his chin.It was dark and cold in the room, not quite late enough in spring to warrant warm nights.He missed the sound of Laurent’s breathing.Anyone’s breathing, really.He’d gone too many nights sleeping in the same bed as another person to like this.

Since it hadn’t been quite a half hour, Damen called Nikandros instead.The phone rang three times, but then he picked up.

“Dude, where’ve you been?I got that new shooter game in the mail this morning.I expected you to be way more excited, but no.You don’t even text me back.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine as long as you come over tomorrow and play it with me after work.”

“Maybe.”

“Alright, what the fuck is wrong?” Nikandros asked.

“I walked in on Jokaste fucking Kastor.”

There was a long silence and then Nikandros sighed.“Well, fuck.”

“Yeah.”

“You seriously walked in on them?”

“Yeah.”

“That blows.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you need anything?” Nikandros asked, voice tight with concern.

“Not really.”

“Laurent's already got that covered.”

“Yeah.”

“What do you need from me, then?”

“Just talk to me.About anything.”

“I can do that,” Nikandros said and then he started in on a long, familiar diatribe about Jord, Laurent’s babysitter for Nicaise, someone Nikandros had met a total of four times, but was entirely obsessed with.The amount of times he’d begged Damen to steal Jord’s number from Laurent’s phone couldn’t be counted.This particular diatribe was about last week, when Nikandros had come over to Laurent’s when Damen was repairing his sink during work hours to have lunch with him.Jord, of course, had been there and Nikandros had spent more time with him than Damen.Apparently, Nikandros hadn’t analyzed the conversation they’d had enough.

When he finished, Damen said, “Just fucking ask him for his number next time.”

“What if he says no?”

“He won’t.Even if he hates you, he’ll still give it to you.”

“That’s not reassuring.”

“You’d have his number,” Damen said.

“But I’d text him all the time and then he’d probably find me irritating and then he’d never go on a date with me and I’d be fucked.I need those eyes in my life.They’re so beautiful.He should be an eye model.Is that a thing?”

“Lord,” Damen laughed.

“Well, if it isn’t a thing, it should become a thing just for him.”

“I’m exiting this conversation, before you reach the point of complete insanity.”

“Fine,” Nikandros sighed.“I’ll see you tomorrow.Right?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Good.”

“Bye, Nik.”

“Love you.”

“Love you, too,” Damen replied, hanging up.

The conversation had helped, but now he was alone again, without a voice to listen to.The walls felt like they were closing in and Damen felt the tears rising again.Turning his face into his pillow, Damen cried silently.

Eventually, the tears stopped, but the aching loneliness didn’t disappear.He considered calling Laurent, but he figured that Laurent was in bed, trying to sleep, so he let that idea go.Since he wouldn’t be getting sleep tonight, Damen left his bedroom, sat down on his couch, pointedly ignoring the candles and the throw blanket, instead grabbing a blanket Laurent had crocheted him for Christmas one year, and turned on the TV, letting those voices make him feel less alone.

Halfway through a late night soap opera, his phone rang.It was Laurent.

“Yeah?” he breathed into the phone.

“How are you?”

“Not great.”

“What are you doing?”

“Learning about the life of Christine.Apparently, she accidentally fucked a brother she didn’t know she had and then he overdosed on pills and she thought it was her fault?I can’t imagine he actually killed himself because he accidentally fucked his sister, but I haven’t done that, so I wouldn’t know how damaging it would be.Anyway, now she’s pregnant with some guy’s baby and her new boyfriend is freaking out about it.I don’t quite know how he found out, but whatever.They were already fighting about the fact that she’d fucked her brother—she told him on their second date because she’s an idiot—so this is kind of the last straw.”

“Truly fascinating,” Laurent said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“It’s better than lying in my room.Alone.”

There was a momentary silence and then Laurent said, “Come live with me.Let’s just do it.I talked to Nicaise about it tonight and he’d love it.”

“But I thought…”

“We’ll figure it out, Damen.You’re incapable of living alone and this is the easiest way to fix that.”

“But…”

“Anything to stop you from hurting.”When Damen didn’t respond, completely in shock, mostly because it had always been more of a joke between them than a reality, Laurent said, “We’ll talk about it tomorrow.Alright?”

“You don’t have to take care of me, you know,” Damen whispered.

“I do, actually.This is what you get when you’re my best friend.Accept it and move on.”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight, asshole.”

“Right back at you, asshole.”

Laurent laughed quietly and then hung up the phone.Smiling to himself, Damen un-muted his soap opera.He didn’t retain most of it, though.He was too busy imagining what it would be like to actually live with his best friend.It would be a drastic life change in a few ways, but not as many as Damen had originally thought when first presented with the idea in a serious context.Frankly, it would just be really fucking awesome, a lot like the sleepovers they’d had all the time as teenagers.

For the first time, he thought that losing Jokaste just might be a good thing.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got literally nothing.  
> I'm so thankful to all of you who are here and enjoying this story. It means so much to me. All of the support I get all the time. Like, seriously, you're all so wonderful and I hope you know that  
> And I'm thankful for Mari, who continues to be the best beta in the world  
> Enjoy! <3

The dynamic between the three of them—Damen spending most of his time with Auguste, but making sure he gave a devoted chunk of time to Laurent—changed the next year, when Auguste moved on to fifth grade and Laurent moved into third.Suddenly, it was Damen and Laurent who had recess together everyday.Their classrooms were only a couple doors down from each other, in fact, and on bad days—something Laurent had more often than Damen because he wasn’t naturally talented at making friends or participating in class—they would make plans to meet in the bathroom after recess.

The truth was, the moment Damen and Laurent were allowed the time he and Auguste had gotten, they became completely inseparable.Damen liked feeling needed, something he’d never felt with Auguste, and Laurent liked having someone’s full attention.

There was just something about Laurent.Damen didn’t know what it was, but it made him wish that they could spend every hour of every day together.And because they were young and largely carefree, they did. 

It wasn’t as though they stopped spending time with Auguste, they just spent less time with him.To his credit, Auguste didn’t seem to mind at all, obviously aware that Laurent needed a friend.Like Damen, he had no trouble making friends and they followed him around just as adoringly as Laurent and Damen had used to do.

They were in the bathroom now, sitting on a ledge that was underneath a large, barred window.One of Damen’s legs were dangling off the edge, but Laurent had both his legs on the ledge, curled up into his body.He was leaning his chin on his knees and staring at Damen intently with his bright blue eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Damen asked, kicking the side of his foot against the wall.It wasn’t like Laurent to be this quiet around Damen.He almost always had something to say, voice bubbling with excitement.But he had been quiet at recess, too, uninterested in playing the pick up game of soccer in the field, even uninterested in the swing set, Damen’s default recommendation for when Laurent was upset.Instead, they’d just sat against the brick wall of the school, right by the doors, and waited for recess to be over.Damen hadn’t minded, necessarily, but now he was worried and it wasn’t like him to wait forever for an explanation.

Laurent shrugged.Then he whispered, “I should get back to class.Steve wanted the bathroom pass.”

“I know you don’t care about Steve.”

“Why would I?He’s mean.”

“You shouldn’t say that.”

“He is,” Laurent said forcefully, daring Damen to disagree with him.Damen wasn’t going to.Steve was mean, especially to Laurent, and whenever Damen saw him playing kickball during recess, he wanted to take the big red ball and throw it at Steve’s face.But Damen tried not to vocalize feelings like that.Laurent, on the other hand, had no issue doing so.

“Yeah, he is.”

After a long silence, Laurent mumbled, “It’s my mom.I don’t think she’s okay, but no one will tell me.”

“Have you talked to Auguste?”

“No.I’m mad at him.”

“Why?” Damen asked, completely baffled.Laurent was never mad at Auguste.Irritated, sure, but mad…mad was unheard of.

“I think he knows something.”

“Maybe…”

“I know,” Laurent said.“He would tell me if my parents didn’t tell him not to.It doesn’t change anything, though.I deserve to know and he should know that.I’m not stupid.”

“He doesn’t think you’re stupid.”

“Someone does.”

“What do you think’s wrong with her?”

“I don’t know,” Laurent mumbled.“But it isn’t good.”Then he slid from the window and turned his back on Damen.Suddenly, it felt as though they were miles apart.Distance was hard for Damen to wrap his head around, especially in reference to Laurent, who was rarely more than a few skips down the sidewalk away.This was more than that, though, and Damen didn’t know what to do.

Before he could decide on an action, Laurent was gone, the door hardly making a sound as it swung back into a place.Without Laurent, the bathroom was lonely and kind of gross, so Damen left as well, just catching sight of Laurent disappearing back into his classroom.

 

“Good afternoon, darling.Want a snack?” Hennike asked.

“I guess,” Damen said.

Together, they walked back to the kitchen.Through the sliding glass door, Damen could see Auguste outside with Aleron, raking leaves into piles.It had rained all day, so they were all wet and mushy, not good for jumping in, but Auguste didn’t seem to mind.He was just helping.Laurent wasn’t there.He wasn’t even watching from his spot on the deck, a swinging chair that protected from most of the elements and that Laurent often read in.

Hennike set some ranch and chopped vegetables in front of him.Forlornly, Damen crunched through a couple of them, too preoccupied with wondering where Laurent was and how he was doing to notice Hennike setting a cookie down in front of him as well.When he didn’t immediately reach for it, she said, “Are you alright, Damen?”

“Are you?” Damen said, feeling braver than usual.

“What?” Hennike asked softly.

“Laurent’s worried.”

There was a long silence as Hennike busied herself with cleaning up the kitchen.She’d always been thin, but Damen thought perhaps she was thinner, her collarbone certainly more defined.As Damen waited for a response, he ate his snack, including the cookie, which was absolutely delicious and crunchy.

“You love him, don’t you?” she finally said, leaning against the counter and staring at him.

“Yeah.”

“Thank you.”

Damen shrugged.He didn’t understand what he was being thanked for.Of course he loved Laurent and he always would.It was easy and necessary, not a chore.

Hennike was about to say something when the sliding glass door opened and Auguste came through, skipping over to Damen and ruffling his hair.“Hey!” he declared.“Long time no see.”

Laughing, Damen nudged his shoulder into Auguste’s side and said, “Yeah, a whole day.So long.”

“Wanna come play a pick up game?I’ve got some friends already waiting at the park.Which reminds me, Mom, I need a ride.”

“Ask your dad, sweetheart.There are some things I need to do.”

“Alright.You coming?”

Damen considered that.Soccer sounded fun and it had been awhile since he’d spent one on one time with Auguste.Sometimes he felt guilty about that.

But Laurent was hurting for some reason and that overcame the guilt.Shaking his head, Damen said, “No.Laurent and I were going to do homework together.”

“Where is he?” Auguste asked.“I haven’t seen him all afternoon.  In days, actually.”  The last sentence came out in a tiny, unassuming whisper.

“I don’t know.”

Something passed over Auguste’s face and his eyes flickered to Hennike.Auguste did know something.And there was darkness in his eyes.Those eyes hadn’t held that before, at least, not in Damen’s presence.Damen wondered if this was what growing up was.

“Mom…”

“I know,” she said.“He knows something’s wrong.I just…”Her face fell and Damen saw that she was crying, one hand hovering over her cheek, as if waiting to wipe the tears away.She recovered quickly, though, taking a deep breath and smiling at Damen.“Excuse me, darling.Why don’t you go find Laurent and start your homework?”

“Okay,” Damen said.

Auguste stayed behind and Damen lingered against the wall just outside the kitchen for a moment, morbidly curious.But the two of them were murmuring and Damen couldn’t catch what they were saying.It made Damen wonder how he’d missed Auguste becoming someone completely different.Or, not different, but…more.Damen had no doubt he was comforting his mother, which was something Damen couldn’t even imagine doing.It wasn’t his job to take care of his mom.He would, though, he realized, if she asked it of him.

Climbing the stairs, he found Laurent’s door open, but the room dark.Going to the walk-in closet, Damen found Laurent in the corner with a book.Sitting down beside him, Damen murmured, “My dad says reading in this kind of light is bad for your eyes.”

“He’s wrong.”

“Wouldn’t matter anyway, would it?”

“No.”

“I just saw your mom cry,” Damen said.

“She’s been doing that.”

“Do you think…”

“What?” Laurent snapped, shutting his book and piercing Damen with his bright blue eyes.They were shockingly blank.Terrifyingly so. 

“Nothing,” Damen said, because he didn’t know what to say, because he was scared and things were changing, because Laurent had just looked at him as though he was an uninteresting rock on the ground.Somewhere deep down, Damen knew that meant Laurent was in pain, but the knowledge didn’t permeate his own pain.He was just a kid.Whatever was happening shouldn’t have been happening.Bone-deep he knew that.

Moving away from Laurent, Damen laid down in the middle of the closet and stared up at the ceiling, his chest tightening painfully, like it did before he was about to cry.

Surprisingly, Laurent joined him, nudging his foot against Damen’s.“Sorry,” he mumbled.“Want a Starburst?”

“You’ve got some?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” Damen said, holding out his hand.A square red candy dropped into his hand, still wrapped up in paper.Tearing the paper away, Damen popped into his mouth, crinkled the paper up into a tiny ball, and flung it into Laurent’s face. 

Smiling softly, Laurent pulled out his own Starburst and threw his wrapper at Damen.Then, for awhile, they tried to keep the wrappers aloft by blowing them, but it wasn’t even worth making a contest out of, because neither one of them could do it for more than a second.

Luckily, they were young.Before long, they managed to forget their worries, enclosed in Laurent’s walk-in closet, Starburst wrappers scattered all over the floor, play-wrestling for the last Starburst that was enclosed tight into Laurent’s fist.Once Damen had managed to pry it out, it was warm and squishy and neither wanted it, so they set to playing hand-slapping games, while Laurent chatted about the book he was reading, something about a girl who’d drank starlight and developed special powers.

When Hennike appeared in the doorway, an indeterminate amount of time later, she smiled down at them, before joining them on the floor, sitting cross-legged.Their laughter cut off and Damen knew they were about to be told something.Laurent did, too, because he reached over and grasped Damen’s hand in his.It was small and clammy.

Looking between the two of them, Hennike said, “I have stage three breast cancer.”She let that sink in as much as information like that could and then said, “What are your questions?”Something must’ve been in Damen’s face, because she caught it.“Yes, you too, Damen.You’re a part of this family.”

“Are you going to die?” Laurent whispered.

“Someday, mon amour, but not for a very long time.There are lots of treatments and they can work.It will be…rough.For all of us.But it’s doable.Your father and I are confident in the doctors we’ve found.” 

“Is there anything I can do?” Damen asked.

Hennike smiled.“You’re sweet, darling.And no.”After a pause, she said, “Well, you could promise to keep my boys in good spirits for me.”

“Okay.”He was happy to have a task.Anything.This one was easy, too.He already worked to do just that on a daily basis.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Laurent asked.

The tears were back and this time, she didn’t try to disguise them.Reaching over, she ran the back of her hand down Laurent’s cheek and whispered, “Because you’re my baby.You are the light of my life and I want you to always be happy with no worries.”

“You told Auguste.”

She nodded.“He overheard your father and I talking and I wasn’t going to lie to him.Perhaps, I should’ve told you, but…I already worry about you, Laurent.You’re like your father.You watch, listen, and you see the world for how it is.You’re already burdened with more than most people your age.”

“I can handle it.”

Hennike laughed, wiping the tears from her cheeks and kissing Laurent on the top of his head.Standing, she said, “Of course you can.But you don’t have to do handle it alone.”

“I haven’t been,” Laurent said.“I’ve got Damen.”

“You do,” she smiled.“And I’m so grateful.”

She kissed the top of Damen’s head as well and then left the room just as quietly as she entered.Turning to Laurent, Damen said, “What now?”

“Steal my dad’s computer?”

“I’m down,” Damen said.

 

17 Years Later

 

“You didn’t label any of these boxes?” Laurent asked, staring around Damen’s largely empty apartment, except for the stacked boxes taking up the middle of the living room and the furniture pushed to the sides.Laurent was beside the boxes, staring down at them, his arms crossed over his chest.He was wearing ratty jeans, rolled up to the ankles, and a loose flannel over a tank top.It was rare for him to wear an outfit like that and Damen did find himself looking more than he typically would, though, if he was being honest, Laurent was always pleasant to look at.Had been since he was seventeen.

“Uh…no.”

“It didn’t occur to you?”

“Obviously not.”

Laurent shook his head mockingly, but then he rolled up the sleeves of his flannel and picked up a box.Waiting for Damen to do the same, they carried it out to Laurent’s car and stuffed it into the back.Nikandros and Jord would be here soon, Nikandros with his pick-up, and then they would move furniture.Luckily, Laurent’s house was not a long drive from here, so they could make lots of trips in a day.

After grabbing six more boxes, they drove them back to Laurent’s house, where Nicaise was waiting with glasses of lemonade and absolutely no interest in carrying any of the boxes.He did like clambering onto Damen’s back when he bent down to place a box on the floor, though.

On the last box, Damen rose, putting his arms underneath Nicaise’s legs and hiking him up.Laughing, Nicaise practically crushed Damen’s windpipe with his forearms.

“I’m so excited that you’re living here,” Nicaise declared into his ear.“We can play hide and seek everyday!”

“I love you, kid, but I don’t love you that much.”

“I bet I could make you.”

Damen laughed and said, “Probably.”Turning, he watched as Laurent opened one of the boxes they’d moved to the kitchen area to make room for the rest of the boxes and start muttering to himself, almost definitely something about Damen’s poor organization skills.He had kind of just thrown his things into boxes haphazardly.There was no rhyme or reason.“Should we scare Laurent?” he whispered to Nicaise.

“We can do that?”

“You’ve never scared him?”

Nicaise shook his head, his hair brushing against Damen’s neck. 

“Oh, you’ll enjoy this then,” Damen said, sneaking through the dining room directly to the right of the entryway and around through the archway at the other end of the kitchen.Crouching down low, keeping Nicaise balanced easily, Damen crept across the floor as silently as possible until he was behind the counter.Nicaise started giggling softly and Damen pressed a finger to his lips.Raising three fingers, Damen folded them down one at a time and then leaped from behind the counter, only a few feet from Laurent.

Laurent jolted sharply, hand raising a trophy from Damen’s youth, ready to swing it at the threat, but when he saw who it was, he frowned, and said, “Jesus fucking christ, you two.”

They were both laughing, but Nicaise cut off and pointed at Laurent.“You just said a bad word.”

“Look what you did Damen.”

“What I did?”

“If you hadn’t been focused on playing with my nephew instead of actually doing something productive, I wouldn’t have swore in front of an eight year old.”

“Nine.”

“Not quite,” Laurent said with a small smile.“Damen, do you want this trophy?If you do, I insist it goes in your room and stays there.”

“I worked hard for that trophy, Laurent.”

“It’s for playing soccer in fourth grade.”

“There you have it.”

Sighing, Laurent tossed the trophy into the trash.Damen considered protesting, but he knew Laurent was simply reading his teasing exactly for what it was; indifference.Another trophy joined that one and then another and Laurent said, “This entire box is full of junk.”

“I’m not good about throwing stuff away.”

“Yes, I know.Thankfully, I now have the right to do it for you.” Nicaise started wriggling around his body and Damen set him down, watching as he walked over to one of the boxes and worked at the tape with determined fingers.“Honestly,” Damen said, returning his attention to Laurent, “You can throw away all that shit except the medal.”

“We’re going to have to set up a swear jar,” Laurent murmured.

“Can’t we just chalk it up to a lost battle?”

Laurent glared at him and Damen raised his hands in the air.He’d known this move would bring changes to his life and every single one of them was worth it, even if he had to work on not swearing, something he loved almost as much as he loved eating.

In fact, Laurent had laid down so many rules when they’d finally discussed it seriously a week ago.He could date, but he could not bring anyone back here, not until it was as serious as he’d been with Jokaste.He didn’t have to pay rent, but he did have to buy groceries, do some cleaning, and pay Jord for babysitting.If he actually cleaned, Laurent would do his laundry for him on occasion.He didn’t have to be a parental figure in Nicaise’s life, but he also couldn’t give Nicaise everything he wanted.Laurent had told him to pick his battles.

The list went on and on, but they were all reasonable and Damen had known most of them already.They were just there to respect Laurent’s boundaries and Damen had an intimate knowledge of those boundaries and how to protect them.He’d told that Laurent, in fact, when he’d finished talking and Laurent had just smiled and taken a sip of his coffee.

“And here’s the medal,” Laurent said, disrupting him from his thoughts.“Are you sure I can’t throw it away?”

“No!Dude, come on, we won state.”

“I don’t have mine.”

“Why the hell not?” Damen asked.

“I threw it away.It was when…” Laurent trailed off and Damen knew.There were some days they didn’t talk about and that day was one of them.It had been the anniversary of Auguste’s death and something or someone—Damen couldn’t really recall—had pushed Laurent too far that day and he’d kind of lost it.When he’d finally called Damen, asking him to come over, Damen had found him on the floor of his bedroom in the far corner, chaos, in the form of full trash bags, around him.

“We should get back to my apartment,” Damen said, moving on.“Nik’ll be there soon.Jord too, probably.”

“Is Nik going to flirt with him the entire time?”

“Yes.”

“Ugh.”

“We need his truck,” Damen said.

“I can’t decide if it will be more or less painful when they finally get together.”

“More.Nik is very…effusive.”

“Wonderful,” Laurent said sarcastically.Then he strolled over to Nicaise and kissed him on the top of his head.“We’ll be back in fifteen minutes.Lock the door after us and do not open it under any circumstances.”

“I _know_.”

“He’ll be a fun teenager,” Damen said.

Laurent shoved Damen in the shoulder, eyes filled with mirth, and then they headed out, climbing back into the car and driving back to find that Jord and Nikandros were there and that they were almost definitely flirting, Jord leaning on the wall by the door of Damen’s apartment and Nikandros standing close to him, murmuring something.

“Bets on how quickly I’ll murder them?”

“I’ve got this,” Damen murmured.Raising his voice, he said, “Asked for his number yet, Nik?”

Groaning lightly, Nikandros stepped away from Jord and flipped Damen off.It was a half-hearted gesture, though, because he quickly tackled Damen into a hug.“Where the fuck have you been, man?”

“Nowhere.Just miserable.”

“That’s an understatement,” Laurent said.“It’s been embarrassing, frankly.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Damen said cheerfully, opening up his apartment and letting everyone in.They all looked around, taking in the scene, especially Jord who had never been in the apartment before.

“When’s your lease up?” Nikandros asked.

“A month and a half.”

“He has terrible patience,” Laurent said, grabbing a box.“Now, I have to get back to my nephew, so I suggest we stop talking and actually get work done.Damen, help me fill up my car, you two, work on the furniture and please, refrain from flirting until you’re finished.”

Jord smirked at Nikandros and said, “This should be interesting.”

“Oh, I can multitask,” Nikandros said, giving Jord an appraising look, before moving to one of Damen’s couches and grabbing one end, waiting for Jord to grab the other.

“I bet Laurent would prefer you didn’t.”

“I don’t give a fuck what Laurent wants.”

“Unfortunately, I do,” Jord said, counting down with his fingers as he spoke so that they lifted the couch at the same time.

Laurent nudged Damen.“I’m afraid if I order everyone to focus, I have to do the same to you.”

Without a word, Damen picked up a box and motioned for Laurent to add another on top.He did, dropping it down hard on top of the first so that Damen had to compensate for the force of gravity as well as the weight of the box.Smiling pleasantly, Laurent gathered his own and Damen mimed putting both of his boxes on top of that one.It didn’t faze Laurent in the slightest, though, and that was probably because he could’ve carried it.Damen took joy in the thought that he wouldn’t be able to see over the boxes, though, however many he could carry.

 

The day slipped by in a whirlwind of boxes and driving and unpacking, until they were all gathered in the backyard, sitting on the grass, with three boxes of pizza in the middle of their makeshift circle.Nicaise was running around them, playing duck, duck, goose.Sometimes, someone would actually get up and chase him and that was why he kept playing.

Leaning back on his hands, Nikandros stared up at the sky and said, “Are you going to spend all night unpacking?”

Damen shrugged and was about to say that he didn’t know, when Laurent nodded, catching Damen’s eye as he did.“Yes.We are unpacking all night, because I will not get up at six-thirty in the morning only to trip over all of your goddamn boxes.”

Groaning, Damen slumped into Laurent, letting him support all his weight.Laughing softly, Laurent said, “I’ll help you, you spineless piss-baby.”

“Eight year old,” Jord said.

“Time to start that swear jar,” Damen slumping further and spreading out his legs, so that his head fell into Laurent’s lap, narrowly missing the plate of pizza balancing precariously on his thigh.Gazing up Laurent, he caught the eye roll and the amused smile.Cupping his palm, he held it in front of his face, waiting for Laurent to drop a dollar into it.

“You are not going to be the swear jar.Not under any circumstances.Besides, that doesn’t count.”

“You want Nicaise saying piss-baby?”

“I have no issues with it.He needs a good bank of insults,” Laurent said.From this angle, the pink sunset peeking over the top of the house framed Laurent’s face.The slightly exasperated smile was tinged sweeter by it.Taking out his phone, Damen snapped a quick picture.If anyone had asked him why, he wouldn’t have been able to come up with an answer.

“Delete that.”

“Nope.”

“You will regret it if you don’t.”

“No, I won’t,” Damen said, retreating from Laurent’s lap and scooting closer to Nikandros, holding his phone close to his chest.

Motioning to Nicaise, who automatically ran over, Laurent started whispering dramatically to him, keeping his eyes fixed on Damen.Nicaise started nodding and grinning, until he was bent over with laughter, using Laurent’s shoulder as a way to keep himself standing.

“You’re screwed,” Jord said mildly.

“I know,” Damen replied.He had a hard time caring, though.This was the first day since he’d broken up with Jokaste where he hadn’t been hit with a wave of crippling sadness.It had to be a sign that this was right.

“I should get home,” Jord said, standing.“I have to drive my sister to the airport in the morning.”

“Where to?”

“New York.She’s interviewing there.I don’t know where she thinks she’s going to live if she gets a job, but I’m not going to discourage her.”

Nodding, Damen waited until Jord’s back was turned, busy finding and collecting his keys from the grass.Then he mouthed to Nikandros, “Get his goddamn number.”Nikandros started shaking his head furiously and Damen nodded his just as furiously.There was little doubt in Damen’s mind that Nikandros would get the number.Jord liked him.Though he’d turned back most of Nikandros’ flirting, he’d done it in a way that indicated he didn’t mind the attention.

Making a noise indicating he’d found his keys, Jord made his goodbyes, ruffling Nicaise’s hair, and then he went back inside the house.“For fuck’s sake, man, go get it,” Damen said.

“Another dollar in the swear jar,” Laurent said.“And do.I’m not sure I can stand another text from Jord wondering when you’re going to ask him out.”

“Wait, are you…”

“Yes.”

“Fuck,” Nikandros said, scrambling up and jogging towards the house, shouting Jord’s name as he went.

“Did Jord actually text you that?”

“No, of course not.He’s very professional.”

Laughing, Damen crawled across the grass and settled right next to Laurent.“We should probably start unpacking.”

“We should, yes.Nicaise, why don’t you go take a bath?”

“I don’t want to.”

“Do we have to do this again?”

There was a long silence and then Nicaise sighed, before scurrying off into the house.While they’d been waiting for Nicaise to come to a decision, Damen had started staring at the sky and the few wispy clouds passing by.It was going to be a hot summer judging by the spring they’d had so far. 

Beside him, Laurent yawned and leaned his head on Damen’s shoulder.It was obvious he didn’t want to move either.The night was absolutely lovely and this was often what they did when they hung out, nothing more than sitting and talking.Going into the house and working, now that they were doing this, seemed inconvenient.Even irritating.Softly, Laurent said, “I know I said I’d help, but…”

“It’s fine.Go to bed.I’ll get it done.You’ve already done more than enough.”

“There is no ‘more than enough’, Damen.We don’t owe each other anything, you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” Damen said.

Laurent removed his head and went silent, as he often did.It usually meant he was thinking seriously about something.Sure enough, about a minute later, he said, “Do you remember when my mom told me she had cancer?You were there.”

“Vividly.”

“Yes, vivid is a good way to put it.”

“Why?” Damen asked.

“I was just thinking about how much she loved you.I think that was when I realized that she did.Though, it was entirely because you loved me.I’m not sure how fair that is.”

“She was your mom, not mine.And she loved me for other things, too.”

“Did she?”

Damen nodded, mind flying back to the day she’d died.His parents had insisted he didn’t go to the hospital, sure that Laurent, Auguste, and Aleron would want the little time they had left completely alone with her, but then Auguste had called, begging Damen to come.So he had.And when he’d gotten there, Hennike had asked to talk to him in private.Laurent had never asked about the contents of that conversation and Damen had never told him.It was personal and for a long time, Damen had wanted it to be his and only his.“Yeah,” he said, thinking of the weak smile she’d managed to give him, “She loved me for me.”

“Easy to do.”

“Why were you thinking about her?”

Laurent shrugged, picking at the grass down at his feet.“She would be glad you’re here.Living here, I mean.That’s all.”

“Yeah, she would.She thought I was the best thing that ever happened to you.”

“She wasn’t wrong,” Laurent said.

Looking over at Laurent, Damen felt his heart clench, as it always did whenever they ended up talking of Laurent’s family.It was a double hurt, because Damen couldn’t stand seeing Laurent in pain, but it was also a pain they shared.Damen had spent most of his childhood with the deVere’s.

Figuring they weren’t going anywhere for awhile, Damen laid back and said, “I’m glad I’m here.”

“Well, of course you are.I’ve saved you from decaying in your apartment.”

“That you have.Thank you, Laurent.I mean it.”

“Of course,” Laurent said, lying down beside Damen.Then, in a much quieter voice, “How is it?”

Knowing exactly what Laurent was talking about, Damen said, “Fine, I guess.I still miss her and wonder about her most of the day, but mostly I’m just angry.Kastor hasn’t called or texted, you know.I mean, I kind of figured he wouldn’t, but it still sucks.”

“That bastard.”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?” Laurent asked.

“Don’t do whatever you’re thinking about doing.”

“He deserves it.”

“Still.”

“Fine,” Laurent sighed.“I’ll wait until you want me to do it.”

“Good.”

They both turned to look at each other at the same time and Damen laughed quietly at the coincidence.Joining in, Laurent said, “We could do this every night, you know.Lie out here and talk like we used to when we were younger.It’s strange.I often thought about what it would be like to live with you, but I’m not sure I’m going to be correct.”

“I’m definitely not going to be right.I keep forgetting we’re adults.”

“As do I.That being said, I expect you to start your duties tomorrow.Mainly, buying groceries, because we have no food.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m on it.I’ll go after work.”

“Lovely.”

After another silence, Damen said, “God, this is so weird and domestic.This could be us when we’re eighty, dude.Just two friends living together.”

“I don’t like to think about myself as eighty in any situation.”

“Fair.”

“Besides,” Laurent said, sitting up and running a hand over his face.“You won’t be here when you’re eighty.You’ll find someone and live with them.Let’s not pretend this isn’t temporary.”

“Could still be us when we’re eighty.It’s not like I’m going anywhere.Everyone I’ve ever been in a relationship with knows you’re part of the deal and that isn’t going to change.It’s actually ended more than a couple relationships.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.Remember Landon?”

“Goatee man.Or pretentious man.I never decided which one I liked better.”

“There’s nothing wrong with using their names, Laurent,” Damen said.

“We’ve been over this.Anyone who broke your heart does not deserve a name.I need to come up with a good one for Jokaste, actually, now that I’m thinking about it.”

“Anyway,” Damen said loudly, making it obvious he was returning to the previous conversation, “He thought you were in love with me.Okay, and he actually thought I was kind of in love with you, too, and he tried to get me to stop hanging out with you and I was like, ‘dude, you are not worth that.Not even close.No one is.’”

“That’s ridiculous,” Laurent laughed. 

“Yeah, most people don’t get as lucky as we do.Apparently, finding a best friend is hard.”

“I’m sure it’s a tragic existence.”

“Alright,” Damen said, sitting up and slapping his hands on his thighs.“Time to go unpack.”

“I think I’m going to go shower and go to bed.”

“Awesome.I’ll see you in the morning.”

“I’ll be making the coffee.”

“God, I’m so glad you exist,” Damen said.

“Oh, I know.”

Heading towards the house, Damen turned when Laurent called his name.There was something foreign on his face and Damen felt something twist in his stomach at the sight.Damen knew every expression Laurent’s face was capable of making and it was distinctly uncomfortable to see something he hadn’t before.“What?” Damen asked carefully.

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Laurent,” Damen said, feeling distinctly disturbed that he could not for the life of him decode what Laurent was thinking or feeling.As he unpacked, it plagued him, and by the time he’d finished and was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, he still hadn’t figured it out.Sleep came easily, though, because Damen knew Laurent would tell him if it was anything important.They didn’t keep secrets from each other.Not anymore.

 

When he woke the next morning, there were a series of selfies on his phone of Nicaise and Laurent crowding Damen’s face, permanent markers in hand, smiling as they pointed to the numerous dicks they’d drawn on his face.Getting up to look in the mirror, he saw that they were all still there, stark and ugly.He’d have to scrub them off before work.

Laughing at himself and his situation, Damen returned to his phone to look up a quick way to remove permanent marker from skin.Instead, though, he found himself looking at the selfies and grinning.These two had always been his family and now he was here with them and even with dicks all over his face, it was perfect.

Flipping past the last one, he saw that Laurent hadn’t deleted the picture he’d snapped last night.It was a relief because Damen had an extreme fondness for the picture.

Pulling up Google, he discovered he needed something alcohol based for the marker, so he opened his bedroom to go in search, only to find three cotton balls and a small bottle of nail polish remover at his feet.A little scrap of paper was beside them and Damen picked it up, automatically recognizing Laurent’s elegant script.It read: _Welcome home, Damen._


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I just want to throw out a quick thank you for everyone who is reading this. Bigger thanks if you leave kudos or comments. I'm having so much fun with this one and it makes it like forty times better to share it with you.  
> And thank you to Mari. I don't know what I'd do without you.  
> Enjoy! <3

Hennike’s appearance drastically changed over the months that followed, her treatments making her even thinner.She was frequently tired and both Auguste and Laurent were left to their own devices more often, as Aleron did his best to work and keep the house running.Auguste assumed the most duties, happy to give Laurent whatever childhood he had left.He was also the one to raise the moods of everyone in the house, which Damen admired.And he did it so effortlessly, as though it was costing him nothing.

To Damen’s surprise, Hennike’s cancer treatments quickly became a fact of life.They were woven easily into plans and conversations and if, at first, Damen had been shocked at the ease, that quickly dissipated.Whenever Laurent discussed it, Damen could see the fire in his eyes, the confidence that these treatments were helping and that they were going to save his mother’s life.

A few days after Laurent’s tenth birthday, a quiet celebration as Laurent had asked for, the three of them were out in the backyard passing a soccer ball around and discussing what they should do with the sprawl of summer months ahead of them.It wasn’t as though the past year had felt completely hopeless, but now that summer was here, they felt free and light.

“I think we should do something for Mom and Dad,” Auguste said, kicking the ball Damen’s way.“They’ve been working so hard.They deserve a break.”

“Like what?” Damen asked, dribbling towards Laurent and attempting to fake him out but failing miserably.Not only did Laurent take the ball, he also tripped Damen up, laughing uproariously as Damen crashed to the ground.Hopping up, Damen started to chase Laurent, hoping his small height advantage would make him quicker, but it didn’t.

“I don’t know,” Auguste said over their laughter.“Any ideas?”

Laurent stopped abruptly, Damen crashing into him.Somehow, Laurent managed to stay standing, folding Damen into a hug, peering over his shoulder to answer Auguste.“We could cook them dinner.”

“We’d probably give them food poisoning.”

“So we don’t cook with meat,” Laurent replied, squeezing Damen hard, knocking the breath out of him, before letting go and passing the ball back to Auguste.

“It can’t be that hard,” Damen said, going to sit on the deck to watch Auguste and Laurent pass back and forth.“What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Excellent point,” Auguste said.

Laurent rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything in reply.Both Damen and Auguste knew that Laurent would do whatever they asked.While he often disapproved of their plans, spouting logic that really needed to be dispensed with, he wouldn’t actually refuse any plan outright.

“We’d need a recipe,” Auguste said.

“I bet I could get my dad to help me find a good one,” Damen replied.“He wouldn’t say anything about it to your parents.”

“Do that.”

“Okay.”

For awhile, it was silent, Auguste and Laurent attempting to dribble past each other.While Auguste often didn’t succeed, Laurent did.It didn’t surprise Damen in the slightest.Over the past year, whenever Laurent had grown upset, they would come out here and practice and practice and practice.They were both better than Auguste these days, though size was still to his advantage, as was evidenced by his fourth try to get past Laurent, which simply involved shouldering him out of the way.It worked, until Laurent caught up with him and cut his legs out from beneath him.The two brothers stared at each other, one standing, one flat on his back, and Damen watched as something passed between the two of them.Sighing, Laurent kicked the ball into the corner of the yard and came to sit beside Damen.“I think we should build a fort in that forest by the park.”

“Sure,” Damen shrugged.

“Auguste?” Laurent said.

“I’d love to, but I’m too busy this summer.I promised I’d help Kate with a science experiment and Dad thought he’d try and teach me stuff about cars.Not to mention, I’ve…”

“Who’s Kate?” Laurent interrupted.

“A friend from school.”

“I’ve never met her.”

“I know,” Auguste smiled, sprawling out on the grass in front of them.“It’s only because I haven’t known her all that long.”

“Then why are you helping her?”

“Because she asked for my help.”

“I suppose she’ll be coming over here,” Laurent said.

“Yeah!” Auguste said brightly.“You’ll like her, Laurent, I promise.She reminds me a bit of you, actually.”

“That would help.”

They smiled at each other and Damen felt the argument, that had felt impending since Laurent had tripped Auguste, disappear.Auguste was just as good at disarming Laurent as Damen was.Better, even, because he never let his temper get the best of him.Damen wasn’t even positive Auguste could actually get angry.And it was a good thing, frankly, because Laurent was excellent at being angry.The past year would’ve been a series of unpleasant arguments if it hadn’t been for Auguste.

Turning to Damen, Laurent said, “We need to Google how to build a fort.”

“You’re going to take notes, aren’t you?”

“It helps to remember what you learn, you know.”

“Winging it is more fun.”

“Until your fort falls down on your head,” Laurent said.

“My fort wouldn’t fall down.”

“It totally would.”

“How about this?You build a fort and I’ll build a fort.You can have your notes and I’ll just do my own thing and we’ll have Auguste come tell us which one is better,” Damen said.

“He’ll pick me.He likes me better.”

“I’m sure he can be fair.”

“Not when he likes me in a good mood.”

Behind them, the sliding glass door opened and Auguste’s head immediately shot up.The movement attracted Damen’s attention and he’d caught the barest hint of sadness in Auguste’s eyes, before it was fluidly replaced with happiness and an eagerness to please.Hennike must be at the door.

“Darlings, could you help me with something?”

The three of them looked at each other and then stood, tramping into the house.Hennike led them to the sitting room to the right of the front door, a room that was practically always flooded with light, especially when the sun was setting.The pillowed window-seat was painted gold with sunlight and Aleron was there, holding a camera in his hand.Smiling kindly at them, he stood and gestured to the seat.

“What’s going on?” Auguste asked.

“Your mom thought the light in this room deserved to be documented.And besides,” Aleron said, smiling softly, almost exactly like Laurent smiled, “we don’t have enough pictures of the entire family.”

The look he gave Damen made it very clear he was a member of that family and Damen felt a flush of pride.He hadn’t spent nearly as much time with Aleron, but he was valued just as much by him.Hennike settled in the middle of the window-seat.With a smile to Laurent, she patted her lap.For a moment, Damen was so sure Laurent was going to refuse, but then he settled into her lap, grinning when her arms wrapped around his middle, pulling him closer to her.She whispered something into his ear and he laughed, falling back into her.

Auguste and Damen looked at each other, their expressions mirror images.Laurent was happy. _Laurent was happy_.

Then they settled on either side of the pair and Aleron started clicking away on his camera.At first they all smiled, keeping the poses formal, but then Damen suggested they do silly faces and it quickly disintegrated.They were laughing, talking, shoving each other, and Aleron just kept clicking.

When the light disappeared, Aleron lowered his camera and said, “Alright, you three, run off and be loud somewhere else.”

Laurent suggested they figure out to build forts and Damen nodded.Automatically, Laurent ran off to Aleron’s office, so he could use the desktop, but Damen made sure to look back at Auguste before he followed.Smiling, Auguste said, “Go for it.I’ve got stuff I need to do.”

“If you say so,” Damen said, unable to help wondering if Auguste was lying.There was a lot he would sacrifice for Laurent’s happiness.It was the first time Damen thought maybe he offered more than he could give.But Auguste didn’t give him anything to go on, so he went to the office and leaned over Laurent’s chair, reading what he was reading.

A few websites later, Damen needed to pee.He went to the downstairs bathroom, but found it occupied, so he tramped upstairs.On his way to the bathroom, he heard a distinct sniffle from Auguste’s room.Hoping Auguste was getting sick, but suspecting he wasn’t, Damen stopped, digging his toes into the carpet, and debated what to do.

Steeling himself, he crept towards Auguste’s room and knocked on the door.There was more sniffling and then the door opened, Auguste’s eyes rimmed with red, but cheeks dry.Somehow managing to pull out a smile, he said, “What’s up, Damen?”

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah, alright.”

Walking into the familiar room, Damen felt as though he suddenly didn’t belong, as if Auguste didn’t belong either.It was for someone younger, whose mother didn't have cancer.Having no idea what he was supposed to do now that he was here, Damen watched as Auguste crawled onto his bed and curled his knees up to his chest.Carefully, Damen sat down on the edge of the bed and said, “Are you okay?”

Rubbing his nose, Auguste said, “You can’t tell Laurent.”

“I tell him everything.”

“Damen, you can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want him to worry.He’s dealing with enough already,” Auguste whispered, every emotion he was feeling plain on his face.It was so painful and Damen felt completely helpless.

“Should I go get Hennike?”

“No.”

“Okay,” Damen said, going silent, but knocking his fist against Auguste’s knee to let him know he would listen if Auguste wanted to talk.

And he did.Without any preamble, he said, “Tonight was nice, wasn’t it?With the pictures.Mom and Laurent looked so happy.We were all happy.”

“I know.”

“I just…what if that’s the last time we’ll be happy?Every time I’m happy, I wonder if it will be the last time.It’s like when it’s raining and you stare at those drops of water on the side of the umbrella, wondering when they’ll fall.It hasn’t fallen yet, but the treatments aren’t working as well as they’re supposed to and…”Auguste cut off and buried his head into his arms.The fringes of his hair at the nape of his neck stuck up.Hennike was the one who gave Auguste and Laurent haircuts.

Gradually, Auguste’s shoulders started to shake, muffled sobs permeating the room.Climbing more firmly onto the bed, Damen threw an arm over his shoulders.He hadn’t ever done this before, but this is what people did in the movies and it seemed to be the right thing to do, because Auguste leaned into him, turning the side of his face into Damen’s shirt.

It took a long time for the sobs to peter off, long enough that Damen knew Laurent was probably about to come look for him if he hadn’t already.Slowly, Auguste pulled away and dug his palms into his eyes.“Ugh,” he said.“I don’t want to do that again for awhile.”Then he smiled and Damen couldn’t even believe it.How were these brothers real?“You should go find Laurent.I bet he’s wondering where you are.”

Nodding, Damen removed himself from the bed and headed for the door.

“Thank you, Damen.And, please, don’t tell Laurent.”

Turning, Damen paused and said, “You want me to lie to him?”

“I…shit.”

The bad word was absolutely shocking.There were kids at school who said all kinds of words, some even fouler than that, but Damen didn’t like most of them and they weren’t words he ever thought of using.Hearing one come from Auguste, someone who was a lot like him, shifted Damen’s world just a little bit more.It was constantly shifting these days.

“No,” Auguste whispered.

“Okay.”Damen left the room, went to the bathroom, then went back downstairs to find Laurent outside, peering around the backyard curiously.When Damen came up beside him, he jumped and then hit Damen.

“I was looking for you everywhere.”

“Sorry.Auguste…he was crying and I tried to help.”

Laurent hung his head.“He should stop pretending.Did you tell him that?”

“No.”

“You should stop, too.”

“We just want you to be happy,” Damen murmured.

“And I want you to be happy.But none of us are.”

Having nothing to say to that, Damen put his arms around Laurent’s shoulders, asking for the same comfort he’d given Auguste, hoping it would work.Without a word, Laurent gave it.And it did.

 

16 Years Later

 

After scrubbing his skin for over fifteen minutes, Damen exited the upstairs bathroom, shirtless and in sweatpants.When he got downstairs, Laurent was in the kitchen, cooking what smelled like bacon and eggs.Most likely hearing Damen’s footsteps, Laurent looked up and smiled.“Good morning,” he said.

“Morning,” Damen yawned, heading straight for the coffee.While he hadn’t ever lived with Laurent, he had slept over countless times and he knew exactly what Laurent did in the morning.And the first thing was always coffee.

Grabbing a mug, Damen poured coffee in to the brim, and then cupped it in his hands, holding it close to his face so he could breathe it in.“Fuck, that smells good,” he murmured.

“I’m afraid I only made enough eggs for myself, but you could have some bacon.We’re out of bread so there’s nothing for toast.It’s likely you’ll have to starve.A nice incentive to go to the grocery store, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, that’ll do it.”

Pulling pans of the burner, Laurent approached Damen, gesturing at the cupboard he was currently blocking.“I need to get in there.”

“Really?Fascinating,” Damen said, holding Laurent’s gaze and taking a sip of his coffee.

“I can still beat you up, deAkielos.”

“You haven’t been able to beat me up since we were like thirteen.”

“Have you conveniently forgotten about that one time senior year of high school?” Laurent asked.

“You cheated.”

“Tickling you is not cheating.It is using my knowledge of what can incapacitate you to my advantage.”

“We were arm wrestling.”

“My point still stands,” Laurent said, reaching a hand out ominously for Damen’s stomach.

“Alright, god,” Damen said, leaping out of the way, some of his coffee splattering onto his chest.“Great,” he sighed, setting down his mug and reaching for a towel.In an instant, Laurent slapped his hand.

“Use a paper towel.”

Smiling mischievously, Damen snatched the towel and then ran to the either side of the kitchen to wipe down his chest.Laurent was shaking his head, eyes unreadable, but the corner of his mouth was cricked up, so Damen knew he wasn’t in trouble.He made sure to get all the drops of coffee and then watched Laurent serve himself eggs and bacon, before going to a small wooden table by a large window just to the left of the kitchen.It was made for two, but Nicaise wasn’t up, so Damen snatched a piece of bacon and joined Laurent.

They sipped coffee and ate and stared out the window.Laurent was reading the newspaper and whenever he read something he thought might interest Damen, he read it out loud. 

Once Laurent’s plate was empty, he leaned back in his chair and said, “And how was it waking up in your new home?”

Smiling, Damen said, “Felt like home.”

Returning his smile, Laurent said, “I need to get to work.Are you going in today?”

“Yeah.I’ve taken advantage of Julie’s kindness enough for a lifetime, I think.And there’s never an end to the shower drains I get to remove clumps of hair from.”

“Didn’t have to be a plumber.”

“Didn’t have to help you take care of Nicaise while you went to college.”

Laurent mellowed.“No, you didn’t.”Then he stood, clearing his plate away.Damen remained in his seat, returning his gaze to the window and the garden outside it, a mosaic of purples, pinks, and yellows.It was something Laurent maintained impeccably and the fruits of his labor always showed this time of year.

Damen thought he’d maybe destroyed Laurent’s good mood, but when he returned, he wasn’t closed off.Crossing his arms over his chest, he said, “Surely you’re not going to show up to work without a shirt on.”

“I’ve still got an hour.”

“How nice for you.Jord should be here in a half hour.He’ll let himself in, but I thought you should know, just in case you get carried away and try to hit him over the head with a frying pan.”

“That was once,” Damen sighed.

“And I will never let you forget.”

“I was hungover.”

Laurent just smiled pleasantly at him, before leaving the kitchen and heading for the front door.Following, Damen opened the door for him as he collected his bag and slipped on shoes.Together, they wandered out of the house and Damen breathed in the fresh spring air, thinking he should go on a jog before work.It was too nice of a day to waste.He’d have to work out a new jogging route, but that wasn’t really a chore.

“If you’re not careful, I’ll get used to this,” Laurent said, spinning his car keys around his finger.

“We couldn’t have that.”

Laughing, Laurent was about to move away, Damen could see it in the way his muscles bunched, but then something caught his eye and he paused.Sticking out his tongue, Laurent ran his thumb down the tip and pressed the pad of it in the crook between Damen’s jawbone and neck.Rubbing gently, Laurent said, “You didn’t quite get all the Sharpie.”

“Thank you for that, by the way,” Damen said sarcastically, holding still as Laurent worked his skin.

“You could’ve deleted the picture.”

“I noticed that you didn’t.”

“No,” Laurent said.“Turns out I look fabulous in it.I suppose it shouldn’t come as a surprise.”

“Thanks for leaving it,” Damen replied, seeing straight through Laurent’s words.Whatever he said, it was never a picture he would’ve deleted without Damen’s permission.Even with Damen, who would’ve forgiven Laurent literally anything, he maintained a strict level of consideration.

Rolling his eyes, Laurent stepped onto the path leading to the driveway and waved goodbye.“If you see Nicaise, tell him I love him and that I hope he has a good day at school.”

“Will do.”Then Damen turned and walked back into the house, closing the door behind him.His house, now, he supposed.It was strange to think of it that way, but it was true.Taking time to look around the foyer, Damen realized he hadn’t lied to Laurent earlier.It was fresh and a lot of it did not yet feel like his, but it did feel like home.This house always had.

After checking his phone and realizing there simply wasn't time for a jog, Damen climbed upstairs, took a quick shower, and then got into his navy blue jumpsuit with _Tyler’s Plumbers_ stitched over the chest.Most everything he needed, including his toolbox and the van, was at base, so he went downstairs and had another cup of coffee as he waited for time to tick forward.

He didn’t get to see Nicaise, but Jord did show up and they chatted amiably for a few minutes.They hadn’t had a host of conversations, but they’d had enough for Damen to know that Jord was a good person and the more time he spent with him, the more his respect grew.  It made him sincerely wish that he and Nikandros worked out.

The work day was largely slow, one project taking most of the day, as a leakage revealed that there was lead piping in the bathroom.It was an older house and while it was something Damen had seen before, it hadn’t ever taken so long to convince someone that the whole bathroom needed to be repiped.It was a project, but it was better than slowly getting poisoned.

After getting the owner’s signature on paperwork, Damen told him when they could start and what to expect, called Julie, his boss, to work out who could come help him with the project tomorrow, and then he went to the grocery store.Taking a cart, Damen started down the first aisle and then stopped, realizing he had no idea what to buy.Taking out his phone, he called Laurent.

“Is it quick?”

“No?”

“Is it important?”

Damen considered that and then said, “No.Meeting going long?”

“Yes.I’ll call you back when I’m done.”

“Okay,” Damen sighed, hanging up and sticking his phone back into the pocket of his jumpsuit.Wandering down each aisle, he grabbed the foods he wanted and then put half of them back, because he wasn’t sure if one meal was being made for everyone or if he would be left to his own devices.What was really irritating was that Laurent was going to solve the problem in five seconds and make Damen feel as if he should have known the solution all along.But Damen wasn’t one to take chances when other people were involved.He liked to be one hundred percent sure they would be satisfied.

A young woman with a green apron on found him and she asked, “Do you need any help, sir?”

“No.Thank you, though.”

“Are you sure?You look a lot like what I suspect my husband looks like when I ask him to buy tampons for me.”

“Just not sure what I’m buying yet,” Damen said, smiling.

She returned the smile and said, “Have a nice night,” before heading off down the aisle to find another clueless person.Her smile reminded him of Jokaste’s and he practically sat down in the middle of the floor, overwhelmed with sadness and longing.Opening his phone, he held his thumb over Jokaste’s name and debated.

Thankfully, Laurent called him before he could come to decision.“Hi,” Laurent said immediately after Damen picked up the phone.“I’m sorry all of my coworkers are incompetent and don’t read the stories they’re supposed to.What did you need?”

“Well, I’m at the grocery store and I have no idea what the fuck you want me to buy.”

“I knew I should’ve made you a list.”

“Probably, yeah,” Damen said.

“Just buy the necessities and we’ll hash out the rest when you get home.”

“Home,” Damen said, feeling the weight of losing Jokaste easing slightly.

“Home,” Laurent echoed, a smile clear in his voice.

“That’s going to take some getting used to.”

“As long as it’s not weird.”

“It’s not weird.”

“Is that all, then?” Laurent asked.It was very clear he was asking if Damen was alright.There were times Damen wished Laurent didn’t know him as well as he did.

“Yep.I’ll see you soon.”

There was a momentary pause, but then Laurent simply said, “Bye, Damen.”

Setting off, Damen replaced some of the items in his cart and added a lot more.While he didn’t know everything Laurent liked to have stocked, he did know what Laurent tended to eat.That was why he also made sure to grab a carton of chocolate ice cream, even though it couldn’t seriously be considered a necessity.

 

When he got home, arms laden with groceries, he only had the front door half open when Nicaise barreled into him, arms around his waist, head landing on his hipbone hard.“You’re home!” Nicaise said, dragging him into the house.“You smell awful.”

“That’s what happens when you spend all day in strangers’ bathrooms and kitchens,” Damen said.“How was school, kid?”

“Alright.My teacher is an idiot.”

“Why?”

“She just is.”

“It’s good to respect authority unless you’ve got a good reason not to,” Damen said.

“Are you trying to parent me?”

“Nope.I wouldn’t do that.”

Nicaise eyed him suspiciously and Damen tried not to laugh.Nudging Nicaise to the side with his knee, Damen headed for the kitchen and put the groceries on the counter.Unpacking the bags, he noticed that Nicaise had followed him.“Want to help me?”

“Not really,” Nicaise said, hopping up on a barstool.

That was when Laurent appeared in the kitchen, glasses on, book in hand.  That was enough to confirm it had been a long and bad day at work.  Laurent rarely took out his contacts before he went to bed, preferring them to glasses.  Laurent stared at Damen with consideration briefly and then set his book down on the counter beside Nicaise.“Why don’t we all help?”

“But, I don’t want to.”

Scanning the food Damen had gotten, Laurent’s eyes landed on the chocolate ice cream and he smiled.“More for me then, I suppose."

“What?” Nicaise asked, falling right into Laurent’s trap.

“It looks like Damen got chocolate ice cream.Too bad it’s only for people who help put groceries away.”

“I’ll just set an alarm and eat it for breakfast again.”

Laurent was turned away from Nicaise, but in view of Damen and Damen watched as his face went completely blank.Unsure what exactly his role was, what he was allowed in situations like this, Damen said, in a light tone, “I’ll give you a piggy back ride.Out on the street.I’ll even run.”

Nicaise immediately got off the stool and held out his hands for groceries, which Damen loaded into his arms, picking the things that he could actually put away at his height.While he worked, Damen laid a hand on Laurent’s shoulder and whispered, “Alright?”

“You can’t solve everything with a piggy back ride, Damen.”

“I know.”

“I don’t…”Laurent lifted his glasses and rubbed his eyes.“I don’t know how to get him to understand that the world isn’t always going to revolve around him.  That it doesn't already.”

If Damen had been less tired, less completely done with being awake, he would’ve come up with something better.All he managed was, “You’re trying and I promise, it’ll be fine.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Later,” Damen said, moving to the fridge and storing what belonged there.The three of them silently put away the remainder of the groceries and then Laurent declared that they were going to have to scrounge for dinner as he wasn’t up to cooking and Damen clearly wasn’t either.He did make Nicaise a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, though.Damen just grabbed some turkey and cheese and slapped it on some bread and ate it.

When Nicaise was finished eating, Damen gave him the promised piggy back ride.Nicaise seemed to enjoy it and that made Damen happy, but it wasn’t enough to erase his exhaustion.Once they were back inside, Damen went to go shower.He considered going back downstairs when he was finished, but when he went into his bedroom to get dressed, pulling clothes from boxes, still having not completely unpacked, Damen saw his bed and decided he’d rather be there.

A half hour later, there was a knock on his door.“Yeah?” Damen called.

“I’m coming in.”

“Okay.”  Damen set down his game of Candy Crush.

Laurent slipped inside, shutting the door behind him.Crossing to the other side of the bed, Laurent laid down beside Damen and said, “Jokaste?”

“Someone smiled like her.”

There was a beat of silence and then Laurent said, “You do realize that’s pathetic, right?”

“Completely.I just…”

“What?”

Damen shook his head.“It doesn’t matter.”

Rolling onto his side, Laurent leaned his head on his hand and poked Damen gently in the side.“I’m sensing I need to be sympathetic.”

Laughing brokenly, Damen rolled on his side, too, and said, “I don’t even know how to say it.I just really fucking miss her.There’s this empty space where she used to be in my life and I can see echoes of it all day when I feel like she should be somewhere and she’s not.I can handle it most of the time by getting angry, but not all the time.I’m never prepared for it, you know?”His eyes were burning and Damen ran his fingers under them.“And I’m going to fucking cry again.Great.”

As was typical, Laurent simply reached out and took Damen’s hand in his, running a thumb up and down the length of Damen’s thumb.It was the easiest way for him to offer comfort and luckily for them, it was the best way for Damen to be comforted.

Minutes passed.Damen had fallen onto his back to avoid looking at Laurent as tears slid silently down his cheeks.It wasn’t fun, but it was better than the full-body sobs Damen was used to. 

Damen’s phone ringing disturbed the peace between them and Laurent didn’t even ask, he simply rose from the bed and picked the phone up off the nightstand, checking the caller.“It’s Jokaste,” he said flatly.“Want me to answer?”

“It’s Jokaste?” Damen asked weakly.

“Yes.”

“Fuck.I don’t know. _I don’t know_.”

“We’ll let it ring out, then.”

“Okay,” Damen agreed.And it did.But then, almost seconds later, it started up again.When Laurent raised his eyebrows, Damen nodded.

Putting the phone to his ear, Laurent said, “Jokaste.What the fuck do you want?”To his credit, Laurent appeared to be listening, but then he said, “No,” very firmly.“You fucked Kastor, in case you need a reminder.”Then he let out a long breath, murmured something, and said to Damen, “Would you like to talk to her?”

“What does she want to talk about?”

“You and her, apparently.She needs closure.”

“Closure?”

“She’s corrected me.She knows you and her are done, despite her use of the word ‘us’ multiple times.All she wants is the chance to explain,” Laurent said, voice empty, a surefire sign of anger.It was an anger that wasn’t directed at him, though, and it made Damen feel safe.If Laurent was here, maybe he could do it.Holding out his hand, Damen nodded.

It was obvious Laurent disapproved of his decision, but he handed over the phone nonetheless.He made to leave, but Damen shook his head furiously, patting the bed beside him.Laurent sat.

“Hi,” Damen said into the phone.

“Hi, Damen,” Jokaste said and her voice threw him back into a wash of memories, most intimate and soft, because that was the tone she was using.He had no idea what he was feeling, but he did know it was too much.It was way too much and he needed out immediately, but she was talking and he didn’t have it in him to stop her.“I know you probably don’t want to hear from me, but I miss you and I just wanted to see how you were doing.I realize that’s absolutely shitty of me, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here and I knew you weren’t going to contact me.”

“How I’m doing?” Damen asked, voice breaking.Anger was starting to overwhelm the other emotions.What kind of question was that?

“I’m sorry, is this too soon?”

“Jesus fucking christ.Is this too soon?Seriously?I walk in on you fucking Kastor and you expect me to _want_ to talk to you?I don’t.I fucking miss you and I wish that you hadn’t done what you did, but you did, and I don’t want to talk to you.Probably ever again.How could you not know that?How could…” he trailed off, his anger stealing all of his words.

Wordlessly, Laurent held out his hand.Damen gave him the phone.

“Wait until he calls you,” Laurent said succinctly.“Wait or I will ruin your life.And I know you’re thinking you could outwit me, but you’re wrong.”Then he hung up.When his gaze fell on Damen, it was still empty and hard.Absentmindedly reaching out, Damen ran his thumb underneath Laurent’s eye, along his cheekbone.

“Don’t look at me like that,” he murmured.“I can’t stand it.It’s awful.”

Standing, Laurent turned away from him, shoulders tense.Gradually, it eased and then he faced Damen again, hints of anger in his eyes, but also determination.It was a look that said very clearly Laurent knew Damen was on the verge of breaking apart and that Laurent was going to be damned if it actually happened.“Get up,” Laurent said.“We’re going out.”

“No.”

“Yes.It will make you feel better.Moping isn’t going to solve a goddamn thing.”

“I can mope in more than one place.It’s a talent,” Damen said miserably.

“Excellent.Then it won’t hurt to move.”

“Laurent…”

“Trust me.”

Sighing, Damen slowly slid out of bed and rose.He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to.The fact that Damen trusted Laurent with everything he had was common knowledge between them.Just as wordlessly, Laurent grabbed the nape of Damen’s neck and pulled his head down onto his shoulder, wrapping his other arm around Damen’s back. 

“Where are we going?” Damen murmured into Laurent’s shoulder.

“It’s a surprise.”

“I like surprises.”

“I know,” Laurent said, stepping out of the hug.He smiled up at Damen and said, “And you will love this one.”

Laurent’s smile was elastic and stunning, trying to convince Damen it would all be alright.It didn’t work at all, because it made him feel something strange and ephemeral, something that whirled straight into all the other emotions and got tangled and confused.Out of that mess came two realizations.One, he wanted Laurent to smile like that forever and two, the first was a lie, because he felt a not insubstantial desire to kiss the smile away.

Damen couldn’t have said how his face looked, but he couldn’t seem to move.It wasn’t like this hadn’t happened before, but it hadn’t happened in years, and it was always acutely unpleasant.

Chalking it up to his loneliness and confusion, Damen managed to snap out of it.Returning the smile as best he could, he let Laurent lead him out of the room and to Nicaise’s.The door was closed, as was typical, and Laurent knocked twice, leaving the door unopened.Realistically, Damen knew it meant Laurent was doing parenting right if he was so worried, but it was hard to believe he was when Damen watched how he respected Nicaise, his privacy, what he said, and what he needed.

“What?” Nicaise’s voice called.

“Damen needs a pick me up.Would you like to come with us or would you like me to call Jord?”

“Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise.”

Nicaise didn’t reply immediately, but he did open the door a few seconds later.Staring up at Laurent, he said, “Would you tell me the surprise?”

Smirking up at Damen, Laurent bent down and shielded Nicaise’s ear with his hand, whispering the surprise.Nicaise’s eyes lit up and he nodded vigorously, before hurtling back into his room, grabbing a hoodie, and hurtling back out.“Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go,” he said.

 

They ended up at an arcade and though he had no quarters on him, he knew Laurent did.It wasn’t an oversight he would make.And sure enough, he had a ziploc bag full of them in the glovebox of his car.When Damen gave him a questioning look, he simply said, “I’ve been making preparations.”

And that was where they spent the next three hours, spending all of their quarters.Laurent and Damen would constantly compete on the games, having a particularly furious fight at a pinball machine, increasing their scores each time, until Laurent got such a ridiculous score that Damen surrendered, instead finding a shooting game and absolutely crushing Laurent at that.Sometimes, Nicaise ran after them and watched and sometimes he’d disappear somewhere else, but Damen could tell Laurent was constantly keeping track of his location.

Damen wouldn’t have said he was having fun, but it was a distraction.A good one.Enough to get him to think of things other than Jokaste.

When they got home, Damen carrying Nicaise from the car, Laurent opened the front door and whispered, “Did that help any?”

Damen considered that.Nicaise was snoring gently in his ear, he’d beaten Laurent in a couple games, and he didn’t feel the need to drive to Jokaste’s house and either kiss her or kill her.Hiking Nicaise up, Damen nodded.“Yeah.”

“Good.Are you alright putting Nicaise to bed?”

“Definitely.”

Extending to the tips of his toes, Laurent kissed Nicaise on the forehead and then kissed Damen on the cheek.“Goodnight, Damen.”

“Night, Laurent.” 

His bedroom, unlike Damen and Nicaise, was on the base floor.They split at the stairs, Damen carrying Nicaise to his bedroom, settling him on top of the sheets and removing his shoes, before gently tugging out the sheets and throwing them over.“Love you, kid.”

When he got back to his own bedroom, he didn’t fall asleep as quickly as he would’ve liked.It was still early, but it was around two in the morning before he could even try sleeping.On the verge of sleep, his brain flooded his head with images of Jokaste beside him in bed, smiling and reaching for him.He reached back and kissed her, pulling her tight against his body.When he pulled away to rest his forehead against hers and Laurent was in her place, he thought nothing of it.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have anything new to say except that I'm sorry.  
> Thank you all for being here and leaving lovely comments and just generally being awesome. It means everything  
> And thanks to Mari for being the best beta a girl could ask for  
> Enjoy! <3

It was an ordinary Saturday until it wasn’t.

Damen was playing video games with Kastor and losing spectacularly when the landline rang.Both boys ignored it, Kastor because he was generally lazy, and Damen because Kastor was rarely around and any time he gave Damen couldn’t be interrupted.Kastor may have been significantly older, but Damen still thought he was the coolest person on earth.He snuck out at night, asking Damen not to say a word and grinning at him, making him think he was in on some big secret.Girls were always over, which Damen had heard from Auguste was an impressive thing, and most importantly, he would answer whatever questions Damen had that he wasn’t willing to ask their parents.He did it in a glossy and mild voice, as though it was information everyone knew.For all Damen knew, it was.

The sound of his mom answering the phone filtered through the sounds of shooting, but Damen didn’t really take notice of it.His mom’s voice was a simple fact of his life.

The soft sob, however, was not.Sitting up, Damen paused the game and glanced at Kastor, who shrugged.Throwing his controller at Kastor’s stomach for not being properly alarmed, Damen went into the kitchen and found his mom with a hand over her mouth, the phone against her ear.When she saw Damen, she became afraid, Damen could see it in her eyes.“I’m so sorry, Aleron.I’m so sorry.I have to…I have to…”And then she hung up the phone.

When she returned to Damen, she simply opened her arms, because she knew he knew.If she’d been talking to Aleron and crying, then there was only one explanation. 

Stumbling forward, Damen wrapped his arms around her and stared at the wall by the stove.He stared and stared and stared and listened to his mom cry.

Once the original shock passed, there was only one thing that mattered.Tearing himself away from his mom, Damen looked up at her and said, “I have to go.Wherever they are, I have to be with them.”

“Oh, darling,” his mom said, sweeping his curls away from his forehead.“I think it’s best if we leave them alone for now.They need time.”

Damen was about to protest when his dad strolled into the kitchen, suddenly springing into action, heading straight for his mom and cupping her face in his hands.“Is everyone okay?” he asked.

“Hennike’s dying.They don’t expect her to survive the night.”

“Shit,” his dad said, aging before Damen’s eyes.“You alright, son?”

“I have to see Laurent and Auguste.”

“They need to be with family.”

“I am their family,” Damen said.

His parents glanced at each other, having a private conversation, and irritation flooded through Damen.Curling his hands into fists, he waited for the verdict.It wasn’t as though he could get to the hospital by himself.God, did he wish he could.He would already be out the door.

“Honey…” his mom pleaded and Damen stomped out of the kitchen and up to his room, flinging himself on his bed.Hennike was dying and he couldn’t be with her or the people who needed him.It wasn’t fair.They _were_ his family, whatever his parents said.It wasn’t just what it would do to Laurent and Auguste, the very idea of losing Hennike made him feel nauseous.

Curling up on his bed, Damen could feel his entire body shaking. 

There was a knock on his door and Kastor stuck his head in.There was nothing readable in his expression.All he said was, “I guess we’re done playing video games, huh?Too bad.We were going to crush those bastards.”

Damen didn’t reply.He just clutched his stomach and waited for Kastor to go.All he could do was wait. 

Exhaling a string of curses, Kastor came fully into the room and laid next to Damen on the bed, placing his hands behind his head and crossing his legs.After a few minutes, he pulled out a carton of cigarettes and a lighter from his jacket and asked, “Mind if I light up?”

Again, Damen didn’t respond.It was hard to care about anything right now, unless it was the deVere family.Taking his silence as acquiescence, Kastor lit the cigarette, inhaled, and then exhaled a thin stream of smoke into Damen’s room.Silently, Damen rose on his knees, crawled across the bed, and opened the window.Then he laid back down.

“Sorry about your friends' mom, bro.Blows.”

“Yeah.”

Kastor didn’t try to initiate conversation again.He simply laid there, smoking his cigarette.When Damen scooted into his side and pressed his forehead against Kastor’s shoulder, Kastor didn’t shove him away.He smelled exactly like the smoke wafting through the room, though less potently.Damen wondered how many of those he had a day.Probably more than he should.But Kastor knew everything, so there was no way he didn’t know the risks.

In a low mumble, Damen said, “Mom and Dad won’t let me go to the hospital.”

“Yeah, well, they suck.”

“No, they don’t.Well, they do right now.”

There was a long beat of silence and then Kastor inhaled to speak, when their mom came in, phone in hand.She saw the cigarette in Kastor’s hand and Kastor swore fluidly.He didn’t attempt to hide anything, though, knowing perfectly well he’d been caught.In fact, he took another drag.He was so, so cool.

“Do not smoke those around your brother,” their mom said, the look she gave Kastor illustrating just how long they were going to talk about this later.Then she handed the phone to Damen and said, “It’s Auguste.”

Damen took the phone hurriedly.“Auguste?”He watched as Kastor handed over the cigarette to their mother with a small scowl.When she left, Damen fully expected Kastor to as well, but he didn’t.

Auguste still hadn’t spoken.Finally, he managed, “Damen.”And then he started sobbing.Through the sobs, Damen managed to catch.“Come.Please.We’re at the hospital in Multnomah.Mom wants to see you and Laurent needs you.”

“I’m coming,” Damen said.Then he hung up.Setting the phone down on his bed, he considered his options.It was entirely possible if he asked his parents, they would refuse, whatever Auguste said.But there was Kastor and his cigarette had just been stolen, which meant he was probably in a rebellious mood.Glancing down at his brother, their eyes locked. 

Shrugging, Kastor rose from the bed.“Let’s go.”

They crept through the house together, Kastor raising a finger to his lips, begging Damen to be silent.Kastor didn’t actually own a car, so they had to steal one from their parents.There was almost always a set on the table by the door, but if they were caught before they got there, they would have a lot of explaining to do.Even if it looked as though they were doing nothing wrong, both their mom and dad had a scary ability to tell that they were. Thankfully, they made it without alerting anyone.Grabbing a set of keys, Kastor herded him out of the door and hopped into their dad’s sedan.Damen got into the passenger seat, buckled up, and then they were gone.A flash of guilt stung Damen, but Kastor noticed and said, “Don’t worry about it.They’ll always like you more than they like me.”

 

Kastor dropped Damen off at the front entrance.It scared Damen to be left alone, but Kastor said, “You’re cute and young.Just talk to the person at the first desk you see and they’ll get you wherever you need to go.”

“Are you sure you can’t come in?”

“I hate hospitals.”

“Where are you going to go?”

“Nearby Starbucks,” Kastor said.Digging around in the glove compartment, Kastor pulled out a pen and a map, ripping off a section of it at the bottom, having no concern for what he’d just destroyed.Writing something on the scrap, he handed it to Damen.“I know you don’t have it memorized.Find a phone.Call me when you’re done.”

“Okay.Thanks, Kas.”

“Sure,” Kastor said.

Turning, Damen stared up at the massive building and took a deep breath.Strolling through the automatic doors, he noticed a desk right away.There was a friendly looking woman sitting there, talking on the phone.When she noticed Damen, she smiled and held up a finger.When she finished talking, she said, “How can I help you, young man?”

“I’d like to find Hennike deVere.”

“Ah, yes,” the woman said, standing.She gestured to one of her coworkers, who promptly took her position.“I was just informed you might show up.Damen, right?”

Damen nodded.She smiled again, a pleasant, comforting smile, and laid a hand on Damen’s shoulder as she directed them towards an elevator.They rode up four floors and then the woman led him through multiple sets of doors, some locked, but she had the keycard to get them through.It was a maze of sterile walls, the smell of cleaning products, and the bustle of doctors.In that moment, Damen decided he also hated hospitals.They weren’t welcoming in the slightest.

When they stopped by a door, Damen felt his entire body still, no longer listening to him.On the other side of that door was the people he wanted to see the most, but it also held what Damen was most afraid of; a person he couldn’t help however much he wished to.

The woman knelt down in front of him and said, “You can take however long you need.Would you like me to wait with you?”

“No.It’s alright.Thank you.”

“You’re sweet.And brave.”She gave him one last smile and then disappeared. 

Damen still couldn’t move.He didn’t know if he would ever be able to.But then the door opened and Aleron came out, eyes dead, beard untrimmed.It took him a long time to notice Damen.When he did, however, he cracked the barest hint of a smile.“Go ahead, Damen.They’re waiting for you.I’m just getting some coffee.I’ll be back in a second.”

“Is she…”

“She’s alright right now.Still beautiful.”

That only made Damen sadder.This man was about to lose something absolutely vital to his life.The reality of that was very clear in his voice.Carefully, he laid a hand on Damen’s shoulder and then he headed down the hall, presumably towards the coffee.Finding the courage, he needed, Damen stepped into the room, which was just as depressing as the rest of the hospital.Unlike the rest of the hospital, though, it held Laurent and Auguste.

They were both sitting by their mother, holding one of her hands together, and talking quietly.When the door closed, they looked up to see Damen.Auguste attempted a smile and almost succeeded.Laurent’s eyes were like his dad’s.Empty.And he didn’t smile.

Slowly, Hennike’s head turned and she smiled weakly at Damen, extending her free hand towards him.Damen walked over and grasped it.Her breath was raspy and irregular and it made Damen’s heart clench.She didn’t say anything, just smiled and held his hand and the tears that hadn’t come yet did now, flowing freely and silently.She was still beautiful, however thin and however little hair she had.It was something about how poised she managed to seem, even lying in a bed, largely helpless to do anything besides that. 

Seeing her, it struck Damen that this was going to be the last time he did.That was what death meant.Abstractly, he knew that, but it felt more real now.This beautiful woman was going to die, leaving behind a husband and two sons.No, three.And they were all going to be devastated.That knowledge lay in her smile.Even now, she was still trying to comfort.It seemed stupid that she had to.She was the one dying.That had to be more terrifying than the prospect of living without her.At least, Damen thought so.

Into the silence, only filled with Damen’s sniffling, Laurent said, “I don’t want him here.”

“Laurent,” Auguste said.“Stop.”

“I don’t.He has a mother.He should leave mine alone.”

Stepping back, letting go of Hennike’s hand, Damen felt his heart clench.“Okay,” Damen said, wondering if this was what it felt like to have a broken heart.“I’ll go.”

“No,” Auguste said.“You aren’t going anywhere.I want you here.”

This was not a position Damen liked to be in.It wasn’t an unfamiliar one, as Auguste and Laurent were brothers and fought as often as brothers did, and they often asked Damen to pick sides.This felt exactly like that.Laurent wasn’t looking at him and it hurt badly.So badly. 

Deciding to compromise, Damen said, “I’ll be outside.”And then he left the room and sat down on the floor beside the door. 

It wasn’t long before Auguste joined him, settling down so that their sides were pressed together.The warm heat of his body was comforting and Damen laid his head on Auguste’s shoulder.Sighing, Auguste ran a hand through his hair and whispered, “I’m sorry about Laurent.He’s been like that all day.To all of us.I don’t think he’s going to take this well at all.I mean, none of us are, obviously, but…it’s hitting him really hard.”

“Does he hate me?”

“God, no,” Auguste said.“Never that.”

“He’s not wrong about…”

“Yes, he is.You deserve to be here.”

“Why aren’t you crying?”

Auguste smiled weakly.“I already did that.A lot.Laurent hasn’t, though.Not once.I would say he’s trying to be brave, but that’s not it.I don’t know what it is, actually.”

Damen did.Surely, Auguste had noticed how absent his eyes were.Damen wasn’t even convinced Laurent was actually there.If he was, he’d gone completely numb.Hopefully, it wasn’t a permanent change.Because if Damen lost both Laurent and Hennike, he didn’t know how he would survive.

“I’ll talk to him,” Auguste continued.“I know he’s already beating himself up about talking to you that way.”

“Don’t,” Damen said.“He won’t appreciate it.”

“Sometimes, I think you understand him better than I do.”

Damen shrugged. 

They were silent and then Auguste stood.“I’m going to go back in.Are you alright out here?I think Laurent brought a book.I could bring it to you.”

“I’m fine.”

“Alright,” Auguste said, heading back in. 

Leaning his head back against the wall, Damen closed his eyes, trying to ease the burn.It didn’t much help, but it was all he could do.There was no universe where he would move from this spot for anything.If he was needed, but gone, he would never forgive himself.

An indiscernible amount of time later, Aleron returned, not a single cup of coffee in sight.Instead of going into the room, he sat beside Damen and assumed a similar position.They didn’t speak, but Damen got the sense he was providing exactly what Aleron needed, so he didn’t.He was older than Laurent, less volatile, more experienced in handling complex emotion, but Damen thought Aleron was just as numb and absent.

Waiting was a tedious thing.Even more tedious when it was waiting for someone to die.Damen felt bad for thinking about it that way, but he wasn’t sure how else to think of it.There wasn’t going to be a miracle, she wasn’t going to live, and so they waited. 

It had probably been hours and Damen and Aleron hadn’t moved.

That was when Laurent came out of the room.Immediately, Damen averted his eyes.The last thing he wanted to see was the emptiness that was still there.

Aleron stood, kissed his son on the forehead, and went into the room, leaving Laurent and Damen alone.Instead of sitting against the wall, Laurent sat opposite of Damen, their knees knocking together.Unable to look up, Damen simply stared at their knees and hoped it was a good sign that Laurent was so close to him.

Laurent did not talk.He did not apologize.There was time for that, though.Deciding to forgive Laurent even without the apology, Damen reached over and took his hand, holding it tightly.In a quiet voice, he said, “I’m here for you whenever you want me.”

There was no response, but Laurent didn’t remove his hand, either.Eventually, he shifted so that he was next to Damen, gingerly leaning his head on Damen’s shoulder.They were still holding hands, but now they were resting in Laurent’s lap.Laurent was staring at them.As he did, he whispered, “You’re my best friend, you know.”

“And you’re mine.”

“I can’t believe what I said to you.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” Laurent said.“Nothing is okay.”

“How is she?” Damen whispered.

“Asleep.I figured I should…well, I figured I had time to make things better with you.”Then, suddenly, Laurent’s voice went as impenetrable as his eyes.“She’s going to die.When I wake up tomorrow, she won’t exist.I won’t have a mom.”

“Have mine.”

“That’s not how it works.”

Damen sighed, rubbing his eyes.“Yeah, I know.”

“Are you ever going to look at me again?”

Taking a deep breath, Damen met Laurent’s gaze, finding it just as blank as it had been before.Those blue eyes usually filled with curiosity and a sparkling intelligence were like poor representations of the real thing, as if they were in a dummy.“I don’t like to,” Damen whispered.“I don’t like looking at you and wishing you were there.”

“I’m right here.”

“Not really.”

“Whatever,” Laurent murmured.

“Are we going to be okay?”

There was a long silence and it terrified Damen.Unable to help himself, he peered at Laurent.His eyes were no longer empty.They were filled with a familiar fire and it was so comforting, Damen practically started crying again.Squeezing Damen’s hand so tight it hurt, Laurent said, “Yes.”

Damen’s lips twitched and he nodded.“Good.”

Beside them, the door opened and Auguste and Aleron both came out.“Mom wants to speak with you,” Auguste said.

“With me?”

“Yes,” Aleron replied.“Go on.I’m not sure how long she’ll be able to stay awake.”

Nodding, Damen stood slowly, making sure Laurent had time to remove his head from his shoulder and then he headed into the room, his heart racing and his eyes stinging with the prospect of tears.When Hennike saw him, she patted the bed beside her. 

Taking the hint, Damen crawled up and laid down, curling into her body.She wasn’t as warm as Laurent had been. 

It took a lot of adjusting and pauses for breath, but Hennike eventually managed to kiss him on the forehead.Not having the strength to move, she simply tilted her head slightly, just enough so that she could speak.“I hate to ask this of you, Damen, because you’re so young, but I don’t know what else to do.I don’t…”It took her a long time to even say that much and when she started crying, that was all she could do. 

A few minutes later, she managed to collect herself enough to continue.“I can’t stand that I’m leaving them,” she whispered, voice cracking constantly.“I can’t stand it.I don’t know what’s going to happen to them.I can’t stand that I’m leaving you, either, because you have been the single brightest thing in all of our lives.I need you to understand, Damen, that all families need a glue, something that holds them together beyond the simple bonds of blood, and I was so sure when we moved, that we would lose that.Aleron would’ve withdrawn, Auguste would’ve tried to patch it together, but would’ve been too young to do it properly, and Laurent…Laurent would’ve lashed out, a lot like how he lashed out at you today.But none of that happened and it’s because you became that glue.What’s even more amazing is that you were too young to do it purposefully.You simply did.

“What you are made of, mon amour, is powerful.There are going to be a lot of people in life who tell you you’re nice.But, the truth is, there are a lot of nice people.It’s kindness that’s rare.And you are kind.Please, don’t ever lose that.”

“Okay,” Damen said, trying to come up with a reason she was telling him this.

Catching his expression, she laughed, though it was really more of a series of rhythmic breaths.“I’m just trying to impart last minute wisdom, I suppose.And to ask you for a huge favor.”

“Anything.”

“Take care of Laurent.It is not your job to take care of Aleron, though he will need someone, and Auguste has been blessed with a score of people who are there for him, but Laurent does not and I worry for him.He takes things hard and pretends he doesn’t. 

“I admit, what I’m asking of you is difficult.And I know you’re thinking it’s not even a favor because you love him and you will always love him and I won’t argue with that.I would simply argue that loving people is not easy, especially the older they get, and I’m worried that Laurent will make it very hard.There will be times when he’ll push all the wrong buttons and a tiny voice in the back of your mind will tell you to walk away.And you might listen.You’re young and you don’t understand what can happen when two people grow up.Falling apart is a lot easier than it should be.I’m begging you to remember this moment when that happens and to stay, even if you don’t want to.

“Because what the two of you have is special.When he’s with you, he opens up, he has fun, he forgets what he thinks he should be afraid of.And when you’re with him, you light up, you explore, you question.You love each other.You trust each other.And it’s real.Heavens, is it real.It makes me believe in the stories in all of those books Laurent reads.

“So I’m asking you to stay.Stay because I can’t.”

Nodding, Damen said, “I won’t ever leave him.I won’t.I swear.”

She exhaled shakily.“He said the exact same thing.”Damen didn’t respond, not able to comprehend why Hennike would ask the same thing of Laurent.“That doesn’t surprise you, does it?”

“Not really,” he said truthfully.

“I wish I could live long enough to watch what the two of you become.”

“What does that mean?”

Another laugh, even breathier than the last one.“Nothing, mon amour.Nothing at all.Could you please go bring everyone in?I think I’m…I think, perhaps, it’s time.”

Trying not to ponder those words, Damen did as he was asked.Only five minutes after they filled the room, doctors began to do the same.Judging by the looks on their faces, the waiting was almost over.Finding Laurent, Damen took his hand again and didn’t let go, even when the slow beeps of the heart monitor sped and then flatlined.

 

15 Years Later

 

To say that Jokaste’s phone call had had an effect on Damen was an understatement.Though he managed to get up for work, he spent the rest of the week either lying in bed, absentmindedly watching TV and wishing he had the energy to go fetch some ice cream, or crying in the shower.The littlest thing could set him off and he found himself wondering more often that not if what she’d wanted to say was that she wanted him back.He didn’t know why it mattered, since he wouldn’t ever take her up on the offer, but it must’ve, because, god, did he dwell on it.

Both Laurent and Nicaise did their best to cheer him up.Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t.Most of the time, it ended up being a lot like the arcade.Distracting, but not particularly fun.Distantly, Damen was aware he was going to have fun again sometime, maybe even soon, but he wished desperately he could have it now.Part of it lay in the exhaustion that came from being uninterested in most things, and part of it lay in the confidence Damen had that Jokaste was doing better than him.Or, at least, was doing much better at pretending she was fine.Often, he wondered if she was still fucking his brother.

On Friday night, Laurent had had enough.

Throwing Damen’s phone onto his chest, he said, “Call Nik.Have him take you out.”

“I’m alright,” Damen mumbled, pulling his sheets up to his neck and rolling onto his side, his phone slipping off his body.“Being drunk won’t help.”

“Yes, I agree.However, being tipsy will.Be smart and you’ll be fine.”

“I don’t want to be smart.I don’t want to go out.I just want to lie here, in this bed, and get hit by waves of longing and nostalgia, casually wondering if missing Jokaste is going to kill me.Kind of starting to wish it would.”

“Stop being maudlin.”

“Stop being pushy.”

“No,” Laurent said firmly, crossing his arms over his chest.“I will not let you wither away in self pity.Partly because you’re my best friend and partly because it’s…”

“Yeah,” Damen interrupted.“Pathetic.I know.”

Sighing, the line of Laurent’s mouth eased slightly.Damen knew this wasn’t a sign of weakening resolve, simply a decision to use a different tactic.Lowering himself to the floor beside Damen’s bed, Laurent perched his chin on the mattress and said, “Alright, fine.Tell me what will make it better.Tell me what else I can do.Because if you can’t come up with anything, then we’re doing it my way.I think you know that a large part of healing is actively attempting to heal.That is something you are distinctly not doing.”

Fumbling for words, Damen came up blank.Fully aware he’d lost, Damen called Nikandros, waiting two rings before he answered.

“Hey, man.What’s up?”

“Busy?”

“Not at all.Is this you calling to tell me we’re going out?Because I really hope that’s what’s happening right now.I need to hit a dance floor, grind up against some poor soul.”

“Lord,” Damen said, already regretting this.

“Listen, I’ve got a whole lot of unresolved sexual tension going on with Jord and I need to get it out somewhere.”

“How is that going?”

“Terrible,” Nikandros groaned.“I think he’s teasing me and it’s really unfair.I’m not built for drawn out courtships or whatever.”

“You’ve seemed to decide he’s worth it.”

“Yeah.Don’t remind me.So we are going out, aren’t we?”

Flicking his gaze to Laurent, Damen saw that the steely determination in his eyes hadn’t left.Rolling his eyes, Damen said, “Yeah.I guess so.”

“Cool.I’ll pick you up in a half hour?”

“Sounds good.”

Before Damen even hung up the phone, Laurent was digging through boxes.“You really need to properly unpack, Damen.I know it’s not your strong suit, but it’s impossible to find anything.”

“I know where everything is.”

Laurent arched an eyebrow.“Oh, really?Where’s your tank top with the skyline of New York City printed on it?”

“ _Generally_ know where everything is.”

“I assume generally means that it’s in one of these boxes.”

“Yeah,” Damen sighed, running his hand over his face.

Tossing over a pair of black shorts and a loose purple v-neck, Laurent said, “Wear those.Might get you laid.”

“Laurent…”

Hanging his head, Laurent lowered himself to the floor, surrounded by the boxes, and said, “Too much?”

Smiling fondly, Damen nodded.“Just a bit.”

Returning the nod, Laurent met his eyes and said, “I’m sorry.I just can’t stand you being in pain and doing nothing about it.I tried all week and it practically killed me.You’re not meant to be in pain.That’s my job.”

“No, it’s not.”

“I will bear…”

Rolling his eyes, Damen moved to the floor and kneeled in front of Laurent.“And I will bear whatever of your pain that I can.But you know as well as I do, sometimes it still isn’t enough.This is one of those times.I will be alright.How many times do we have to go over this?You are not _meant_ to be in pain.That is not your lot in life.”

“Sometimes it feels like it is,” Laurent sighed.

“Yeah, I know.Not recently, though, right?”

Smiling softly, Laurent replied, “No.Not recently.These past few years have been the best of my life.At least, that I can remember.”

Holding the shorts and shirt in either hand, Damen stared down at them and said, “Really think these’ll get me laid?”

“I do.”

“Alright then.”

“But you cannot bring them back here.I am willing to come pick you up from wherever in the morning, however.”

“Aye, aye captain.”

Laurent laughed and stood.“I’ll leave you to get ready, then.Oh and before you leave, make sure to kiss Nicaise goodnight.I promised him you would.He’s gotten attached to that.Something about your stubble.It tickles, apparently.”

“I’ll make sure.”

“I know,” Laurent said, shutting the door behind him.

 

Damen got a lot drunker than he intended.Drunk enough to be aware that he was drunk and that he was really going to regret it tomorrow morning, perhaps even later tonight.The strobe lights and music were pounding, Damen was dancing with a beautiful woman, however sweaty, that he did not remember pulling onto the dance floor.There was a welcoming, playful look in her eyes, though, and when she moved closer, twining her arms around his neck and pressing their bodies together obscenely, he let her.

They swayed and gyrated, getting lost in each other and the music and when she grabbed the back of his head and brought it down to kiss her, Damen wasn’t surprised.She smelled of perfume and sweat and she tasted of sugary alcohol, but her lips were soft and warm, tongue loose, and for a moment, it was perfect, exactly what Damen needed.But then her teeth grazed his bottom lip and the slight twinge of pain drew him back to himself and he automatically thought of Jokaste and how he wished it were her.She loved dancing.She loved biting on his lip when they were kissing and he loved it when she did it.

Prying himself away from the woman more violently than he perhaps should’ve, Damen mumbled an apology and fled the floor, finding an open seat at the bar and putting his head in his hands.Now that he was thinking of her, there was no stopping it.He remembered the last kiss they’d shared.It had been that morning, in bed, her body warm, naked, and wrapped around him.He’d left early, so he could go back to his apartment and shower, get ready for work, and she’d barely been awake for it, but she’d made the most beautiful, unconscious noise of happiness.

“Fuck,” Damen mumbled.

A fist knocked against the wood of the bar in front of him and Damen looked up to see the bartender wiping a glass and staring at him.“You look like you need something.”

“I don’t…that’s really not a good idea.Probably.I just need…I need to find Nik.Excuse me.”

The bartender shrugged and left him.For a minute, Damen didn’t move, but then he rose and peered at the dance floor.The world was spinning and it didn’t help that all of those bodies were pressed close together, moving like waves.Feeling sick, Damen looked away and pushed his way outside, heading to Nikandros’ car and leaning up against it.For a wild minute, he wished he had a cigarette, though he’d never much liked them.

Eventually, he sank to the pavement and started to cry, occasionally beating the side of his head with his palm and begging for Jokaste to go find someone else to torment, because he didn’t fucking deserve it.

That was when Nikandros came out of the bar and knelt down beside him.“I fucking lost you, man.Don’t do that to me.You know it freaks me the fuck out.”Then he saw that Damen was crying and he sighed, sitting down beside him.“You know what I think?” Nikandros asked.

“What?”

“I think you got way too drunk.”

“Yeah, no shit.I was dancing with some girl and, god, was she pretty, but then I just like fucking left her standing there all alone because I’m an asshole and…and it’s all Jokaste’s fault.I wish she was here.I miss the way her fucking hair smells.Her hair.”

“Alright,” Nikandros said, standing.Carefully, he helped Damen do the same and then he forced him into the car.“I’m going to go close our tab and then we’re getting out of here.Laurent is way more suited to handle something like this than I am.I’m just here for the fun.”

“That’s not true, Nik.You’re suited for all sorts of things.Like, you do realize that I value you just as much as I value Laurent, right?Just because he’s like the best part of my life does not mean that…oh, well maybe it does.”Damen frowned and wished he could form words properly.That was not what he’d tried to impart.

“Yeah, I know, idiot.I just don’t want to deal with this.Thankfully, that’s why Laurent exists.Hang tight, alright?”

“Okay,” Damen said, falling back into the seat and closing his eyes.It helped the spinning a little, but he really would’ve preferred lying down somewhere.It was a lot of work keeping himself upright, from throwing up, and from sobbing.

It felt like forever until Nikandros was back.He started the car and then rolled down all the windows.“If you throw up, please throw up outside the car,” he said and then he drove away.As he drove, he talked, for which Damen was grateful.It was Nikandros’ talent and one of the reasons they were such good friends.It never failed to distract Damen and lead him out of his thoughts.All he was talking about now was some girl he’d run into that they’d gone to high school with and how surprising it had been, but it was enough. 

When he finished that story, Damen said, “I love you, Nik.You know that, right?I love you so much.”

“I love you, too.”

“I’m sorry this was how the night ended.I know you wanted to like dance and stuff but I kind of ruined it.”

“No, you didn’t.I got plenty of dancing in.It’s more fun when you’re drunk, anyway.Unless you’re you, I guess.Then you take it as an opportunity to get all worked up about your ex-girlfriend.Who, by the way, really doesn’t deserve this much wallowing.”

“She does, though.”

“No,” Nikandros said, his voice almost as tight and angry as Laurent’s when they talked about Jokaste.“No, she doesn’t.”

That didn’t make sense in Damen’s head and it only made him more miserable.Letting his head fall out the window, he felt the wind whipping across his face and he breathed in deeply.

Damen lost track of time and only came back to awareness when the wind wasn’t drowning out his thoughts.They were parked in front of his house. 

Gingerly, Nikandros helped him out of the car and to the front door.He knocked and Laurent opened the door, looking ruffled and sleepy, but still awake and for that, Damen was profoundly grateful.Laurent let out a long sigh and said, “He got drunk, didn’t he?”

“Yeah,” Nikandros said a little guiltily.“I kind of lost track of him for a bit.Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine.I’ve got it from here.Go home.”

“Sounds good.I’ll see you, Laurent.Bye, Damen.”

“Bye,” Damen said, waving half-heartedly.“Love you.”

Nikandros let out a little laugh and then returned to his car.An arm wound around Damen’s waist as he watched and Damen swiveled his head back around to stare down at Laurent, who rolled his eyes and helped him into the house.Settling on the couch, Laurent pulled Damen’s head down on his lap and made him stretch out his legs.Slipping his fingers through Damen’s hair, Laurent said, “Tell me when the world stops spinning.”

“I love you, Laurent.”

“And I love you.I do wish you hadn’t gotten this drunk, though.You were crying, weren’t you?”

“Yeah, I was,” Damen slurred.“There was this girl and we danced, but then she kissed me and I thought about Jokaste and then I was out at the car and crying on the ground and it was probably really embarrassing.Poor Nik.I’m not gonna cry now, though.”

“And why’s that?” Laurent asked, amusement in his eyes.

“Because you’re taking care of me,” Damen smiled.Then he reached up, a flicker of a dream in the back of his mind, and brushed a thumb across Laurent’s chin.He’d kind of been aiming for his cheekbone, but that was close enough.“You’re beautiful in this kind of light, you know.Dim and stuff.You probably would’ve looked more beautiful in those flashing lights than the girl I danced with.I wish you’d been there.I always wish you’d been there, or, uh, whatever…I know you’ve already internally corrected my verb tense.But, like, all the time.Even at work, sometimes, I’m like wouldn’t it be cool if Laurent was here?It’d probably be more fun.”

“And you definitely wouldn’t be this drunk,” Laurent said.There was something off about his smile and his eyes were wide, but Damen couldn’t comprehend what exactly that meant, not like this.Lowering his hand, he focused on the feel of Laurent’s fingers in his hair to distract from the nausea.It was foolproof.Laurent always knew exactly what to do.

But, then, the fingers stilled.Blearily, Damen said, “What?”

“Hmm?” Laurent said, still not stroking Damen’s hair.

“You’ve stopped doing the thing.”

“I…yes.I have.Would you mind sitting up for a second?I really think I should fetch you some water.”

“Oh, sure,” Damen said, doing just that.He did it slightly too fast, though, and then he groaned, wrapping an arm around his stomach.He shut his eyes, having no interest in observing what the world was doing currently.Gently, hands directed him back into a lying position and then Laurent was gone.Damen wasn’t sure how he knew, but he knew.

Though Damen couldn’t have said how many minutes had passed, he was confident it had been too long.It didn’t take a lot of work to fill a glass with water, after all.He hoped Laurent was okay.He would stand and go search for him, but he might throw up on the carpet and then Laurent would murder him.

Just as he was about to get up anyway, gentle hands were back, helping Damen into a sitting position.A glass of water was placed in his hand and Laurent said, “Drink all of that.When you’re done, tell me, and I will get you another and you will drink all of that.After that, you can sleep.Oh, and here’s some Advil.”He dropped three white pills into Damen’s hand.

Rolling his head in Laurent’s direction, Damen saw he was perched on the very edge of the couch, as though ready to flee at a moment’s notice.“Why are you sitting like that?” he asked.

Immediately, Laurent settled back into the couch.Without saying a word to Damen, he grabbed the book he’d presumably been reading before Damen arrived, and cracked it open.Taking a large gulp of water, Damen said, “Read to me?”

Laurent did.When Damen finished his glass of water, Laurent got up and fetched him a new one and kept reading.When that glass of water was gone, Laurent set down his book and threw Damen’s arm around his shoulder, carried him upstairs, and settled him into bed, removing Damen’s shoes and jeans.Whenever Damen looked at him, though, his face was shut off in the way Damen hated and there was no earthly reason for it.

Typically, when Damen was this drunk, Laurent would stay until he fell asleep, keeping him company.It wasn’t a gesture Damen usually remembered, but Laurent had told him about it before.Though it was unlikely he would remember it tomorrow, he was painfully aware of the fact that Laurent did not stay this time. 

For awhile, Damen tried to recall if he’d thrown up somewhere or if he’d said something offensive, but for the life of him, he couldn’t come up with a single thing that he’d done to deserve the cold shoulder from Laurent, which was what that unmistakably had been.

Fortunately, his exhaustion caught up with him and dragged him down into sleep before he could dwell on it any longer.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I just want to thank each and every one of you. The support means everything  
> And, of course, I want to thank Mari, a beautiful star  
> Enjoy! <3

The months after Hennike’s death passed slowly.Days that Damen spent with Laurent and Auguste lessened, so that sometimes, they only saw each other once a week outside of school.Though they all shared in their grief and the sheer depth of it, Auguste and Damen didn’t quite know how to articulate what they were feeling, though they tried, and Laurent was entirely uninterested in discussing what he was feeling at all, preferring to read books and sit silently.

If it hadn’t been for Aleron’s declining health, it was likely Damen and Auguste would’ve found comfort in each other and left Laurent behind, simply because they both needed the same things.But Aleron’s health did decline, his interest in food and doing anything besides work deserting him.Since Auguste was Auguste, he felt the need to take care of his dad and was often cooking or sitting in his dad’s office and chatting with him quietly.

It was hard on all of them.Damen recognized that.But he couldn’t help feeling completely alone and isolated, both of his best friends not having time to spend with him. 

To sate some of that loneliness, Damen ended up spending a lot of time with Kastor, to his parents’ consternation.They didn’t trust their elder son with their youngest and they rarely let them leave the house together.It was true that if they managed to sneak out, Kastor dragged Damen to smoke-filled houses and skating parks to hang out with his friends, who did a lot of things they weren’t supposed to.Though it wasn’t an environment Damen really enjoyed, it was easy to forget his troubles around a bunch of drunk and high boys who welcomed him with easy grace, often trying to share their spoils with him, but nodding in understanding when he refused, though they claimed they’d started drinking even earlier than his current age.

Mostly, Damen just watched them silently.It was probably why Kastor was still willing to take him.If he didn’t talk, there wasn’t an opportunity for him to embarrass Kastor.

On a sunny day in early spring, Damen was doing just that, sitting on a bench at the skating park and watching as his brother performed tricks on his skateboard.He’d just gotten out of school and decided to walk here, knowing his brother would be present.It was an almost daily ritual for him and his friends.They still got out of classes early than him, being in high school.Though Damen wasn’t convinced his brother actually went to all of his classes.There were some late night conversations between Kastor and his parents that seemed to indicate otherwise.

As he watched, he thought about Hennike and what he’d promised her.It was already proving to be difficult.Laurent was unwilling to talk about almost anything at all.And when he did, his voice was flat and emotionless.Damen had tried so many things to dig him out and none of them had worked.He was starting to realize that Hennike’s promise relied on Laurent’s cooperation.That was probably why she’d asked the same promise of him. 

“Hey, bro,” Kastor called.“Wanna come give this a try?I’ll teach you.”

“I’m alright,” Damen yelled back, unzipping his backpack and digging through it to find homework.Hopefully, that would ensure he was left alone.Today was an alone sort of day.

When someone sat down beside him, Damen didn’t look up from his math homework as he breezed through the problems.If it wasn’t Kastor, it was one of his friends, and none of them were who he really wanted to see.

But, then, the person talked, saying, “This is where you come?” and Damen whipped his head up.Laurent was sitting there on the bench beside him, staring out at the skating park, a hint of curiosity in his eyes, enough to start a flicker of hope in Damen’s chest.Maybe Laurent was having a good day.Maybe Damen could finally crack through that layer of armor and get back where he belonged. 

“How’d you find me?” Damen asked, setting his pencil down.

“I followed you.”

“That’s not creepy at all.”

Laurent looked at him, unimpressed.It was still a distant, cold expression and Damen felt the hope die.Shaking his head and sighing, he picked his pencil back up and focused on his next problem.Math definitely made more sense than Laurent did. 

Beside him, Laurent fidgeted.Damen wouldn’t have been surprised if he got up and left.In fact, he was almost positive that was what Laurent was going to do, but then the fidgeting stopped and he wasn’t gone. 

Suddenly, Damen was very thankful they’d had years of a friendship to fall back on, because he wouldn’t have known just how significant it was that Laurent stayed if they’d only had a year or two under their belts.Scooting closer to Laurent, Damen said, “Why did you follow me?”

In a small voice, Laurent said, “I miss you.”

“You can see me whenever you want.”

“So can you.”

“Please don’t do that.”

“Do what?” Laurent asked, his voice quickly veering into anger.

“Blame this on me.Use that tone of voice.Stare at the ground.Take your pick,” Damen replied, shoving all of his things into his backpack and slinging it over his shoulder.“I get it can't go back to the way it was or whatever, but you have to try something different.”Lowering his voice, knowing his brother’s friends would pick on him endlessly if they heard the next thing he was going to say, Damen continued with: “I love you, Laurent.But you’re not the only one who needed someone, who still needs someone.”

“Love is a two way street,” Laurent mumbled, scuffing his shoes into the dirt.“Mom always said that.”

Nodding, Damen waited for a few seconds and then left, waving to Kastor.Immediately, he felt guilty, but he didn’t know what to do or say if Laurent wasn’t willing to engage.

He was halfway home when Laurent caught up with him, gasping for breath and clutching his side.Since both of them still played soccer regularly, it said a lot that he was so out of breath.Damen wondered how long he’d been running and how fast.

Before Damen could say anything, Laurent careened into him, wrapping his arms around Damen’s neck.Then he started to sob.Hard.It felt and sounded as though it were causing Laurent physical pain, the sobs being ripped from his throat.

Looking around him, Damen spotted a large oak tree in a big stretch of grassy space only a few yards ahead of them.With careful prodding, Damen led Laurent there, hoping it was public property, and sat against the tree, pulling Laurent down with him.Recently, he’d gotten better at this comforting thing, so he didn’t attempt to come up with consoling words like he once might’ve.Instead, he simply put his arms around Laurent’s shoulders and pulled him close, waiting out the sobs.

Gradually, the shaking lessened and Laurent quieted.But he didn’t move away from Damen.In fact, he clutched himself closer and Damen let him.He was very aware what his brother’s friends would say, what, even, some of his school friends would say if they saw this. _You’re gay_.And they’d say it like it was a horrible thing, which didn’t make sense to Damen, but he wasn’t going to argue, since he didn’t really know anything about it.

All he knew is that he would let himself get called gay a hundred times over if it meant Laurent felt better.

“I can’t lose you,” Laurent said.“I can’t lose you, Damen.”

“You won’t.”

“I feel like I am.”

“You’re not,” Damen replied.“I promise.”Then he patted Laurent’s back weakly.Okay, so maybe he wasn’t perfect at the comforting thing yet.

“Okay.”After a pause, he said, “You’re not losing me, either.I just…”

“What?”

“I don’t know how to live without her.”

Damen nodded.“I don’t either, really.Sometimes, I’ll wake up in the morning and I’ll be so excited to tell her something, anything, or I’ll be at lunch, wishing my mom cut carrots the way she did, and I’ll be close to crying.It’s like…”

“The world is a completely different place,” Laurent said.“It’s not the same world that we grew up in.”

“Yeah.”

“I hadn’t cried yet, you know.”

“Yeah, I know.Auguste’s been worried about it,” Damen said.

“There’s something wrong with me.”

“No.”

“I didn’t even cry over the death of my own mom,” Laurent said, voice heated. 

“You did just now.”

Letting out a small huff, Laurent stopped talking, his head thumping back against Damen’s chest.The meaning of the huff was clear. _You don’t understand_.Brushing Laurent’s bangs out of his eyes—it was something his mom would’ve done and it didn’t feel wrong—Damen said, “Would you try to explain it to me?”

“I’m not like you or Auguste.There’s something wrong with me.”

“I refuse to believe that.”

“I don’t…I don’t know how to let myself miss people.Or let myself confide in people.”

“You’re doing alright right now,” Damen said, still not completely understanding.It did explain, though, in part, Laurent’s ability to make both his eyes and voice inflectionless.

“It’s hard,” Laurent said.“And it’s you.”

“Me?”

“You make everything easier.”

“Oh.Well, good.”

Laurent laughed half-heartedly and it made Damen wonder when exactly Laurent had last laughed, full-bodied and genuine.He wondered when was the last time he’d done the same.It felt like too long.There was a lot Damen didn’t know or understand, but he did know one thing.Laughing could heal.Laughing could make the world glow, if only for just a minute.And they both needed the world to glow for a little while.“When was the last time you had fun?” Damen asked.

“I’ve forgotten what that is.You tell me.”

Nudging Laurent, Damen got him to move.Standing, Damen extended a hand, helped Laurent up, and then didn’t let go of his hand, leading him down the street and towards the church that was next to their houses.There was a large grassy field in the back of it and Damen knew he was allowed to be there, since it doubled as a private school.

When they arrived, there were some kids there, but not many to Damen’s relief.Dropping Laurent’s hand, he said, “Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Chase me.”

“What?”

“Chase me,” Damen repeated, raising his eyebrows and shooting Laurent a careful smile.For a moment, Laurent stood there and considered him, his curiosity back in full force, just as Damen had hoped it would be.There was reluctance in the corner of his mouth, though, and Damen watched, wondering which would win.When Laurent ran at him, he knew the answer, fleeing to the other side of the field as fast as he could.That was important.They had to be running so fast their feet were barely touching the ground.It was one of the ways Damen could feel free, alive, timeless, and he was confident it would work just the same in this new world the two of them found themselves in.

Laurent adjusted to the speed easily and Damen could feel it working.There was a grin on his face and when he glanced over his shoulder, Laurent was smiling, too.Something tamer, but still there.

They ran and ran and ran until all they could do was collapse on the ground, holding their stomachs and panting loudly.Their limbs were tangled together and when Damen rolled his head to the side to stare at Laurent, the smile he wore was almost vicious in its happiness.Eyes meeting, Laurent said, “I think…is this what happiness felt like?”

“Think so.”

Laurent laughed, something almost giddy.“It’s good.”

“Totally.”

Raising himself up on his elbow, Laurent said, “Thank you.For everything.”

“Always, Laurent.”

Laurent laughed again, much sweeter and softer.“You’re a strange twelve year old.”

“You’re a strange eleven year old.”

“Not quite eleven.”

“Couple weeks,” Damen replied.

Laurent mellowed at that and Damen sighed.The return had been inevitable, but the brief break had been worth it.In a contemplative voice, Laurent said, “It’ll be my first birthday without her.”

“I survived mine without her.”

“How?”

“I don’t know.It sucked.”

“You’ll come to my birthday party, right?”

Damen rolled his eyes.“In what universe would I miss your birthday?Anything you want?”

“My mom back.”

“I’ll call God.See what he says.”

Unsure if the joke would succeed, Damen felt a rush of utter relief when Laurent laughed.After a long stretch of comfortable silence, one that wasn’t weighed down with sadness, something that was more unusual than not these days, Laurent said, “Can we just lie here forever do you think?”

“I will if you will.”

“Deal.”

“My parents are probably worried, though,” Damen sighed.“They’ve been a little more relaxed on the rules recently, especially since I’m usually with Kastor when I disappear, but I’m still a baby, according to my mom.”

“Here,” Laurent said, pulling a flip phone from his pocket.“Call them.”

“When did you get that?”

“A week ago,” Laurent said.“Dad’s a little…well, he doesn’t know how to live without Mom either.I have this in case he needs to know where I am or I get in trouble.”

Nodding, Damen took the phone and called his parents, informing them where he was and who he was with.Since they weren’t far from home, his parents told him he could stay as long as he wanted, that they would save him dinner if he wasn’t home in time for it. 

He and Laurent stayed until twilight, sometimes talking, sometimes not.It was the most normal Damen had felt in a long time and he told Laurent that as they were getting ready to walk home.Laurent agreed and said, “I don’t know how you manage it, but…I love you for it.”

Damen grinned down at his feet.That was the first time Laurent had ever told him what he’d already known and it was as satisfying as he’d imagined it would be.

 

15 Years Later 

 

Damen startled awake, his ears ringing as something metal clanged against something else metal directly over his head.Scrunching his eyelids tighter, Damen reached up and covered one of his ears, managing a mumble of a protest.Whatever was making the noise did not listen, their rhythm holding steady.Cracking open his eyes, he saw two knees.Even in his confusion, he knew those were Laurent’s knees.  Aware that if he moved right now, he’d probably throw up, Damen kept staring at Laurent’s knees while he said, “If you’re banging actual pans together right now, I’m going to kill everyone in this room and then myself.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the pans I’m banging.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

“That’s a dollar in the swear jar,” Nicaise’s voice yelled.

Groaning, Damen pulled his pillow over his head.Blissfully, the pans stopped, replaced by Nicaise and Laurent’s laughter, a sound that was still much too loud, but inherently nicer.Someone crawled on top of his back—definitely Nicaise—and Laurent flopped down on the bed beside him, causing a depression in the bed.“Morning!” Nicaise said brightly.

“I hate you both,” Damen grumbled.

“We want to do something,” Nicaise said, hitting his back.“Laurent and I were brainstorming, but we both decided we wanted you to come with us, so we need you to be awake and in a brainstorming mood.”

“I’m hungover as shit, kid.”

“Another dollar.”

“The swear jar doesn’t exist.”

“It does now,” Laurent said, voice tinged with amusement.“I made it this morning.We’ll use the funds when the jar is full for whatever Nicaise wants, since he’s the one we’re permanently damaging.”

“How nice for Nicaise.”

“Isn’t it?” Nicaise said.

“Alright,” Damen sighed, unable to resist these two in anything.“I’ll work on getting up if you go find me some Advil, a banana, and some water.”

“Okay.”Nicaise leaped off his back, propelling off the bed with one foot as he left, jerking Damen’s body around.Groaning, Damen considered letting his nausea overwhelm him and vomiting all over Laurent’s nice, clean sheets in revenge.Of course, he’d probably be the one left to wash them, as it was his bed, so he quickly discarded that plan.

“Did you have to?”

“I believe I told you not to get drunk.”

“Ah, so this was a lesson.”

“Of a sort,” Laurent said.“I am, however, not going to follow through.”

Rolling onto his back gingerly, double-checking his constitution every step of the way, Damen gazed at Laurent hopefully.“Did you do something nice for me?”

Laughing, Laurent said, “I haven’t yet, but I will make you a spinach omelet whenever you’d like.”Then he poked Damen gently in the arm.“How are you?”

“I was pretty beat up about Jokaste, wasn’t I?”

“Yes, which is why…”

“I was supposed to stay mostly sober, yeah, I know.” Damen said.“I’m alright,” he continued, answering Laurent’s question.“I think…I think maybe that was the worst of it.I don’t know.I want to be done crying about her, anyway.”

“Progress.”

“I think it just didn’t hit me until she called that it was all real, her fucking my brother, the break-up…it just felt like a really bad dream before.Something both her and I would wake up from, you know?I’m not sure that makes sense.Just blame the hangover.”

“It makes sense,” Laurent murmured.“We weren’t expecting it.”

“Not at all.”

Laurent went silent and Damen examined him, wondering what exactly was keeping him so subdued this morning.Though he’d managed to seem energized when Nicaise was in the room, something slight had shifted.The skin under his eyes was dark and bruised and he wasn’t as put together as usual, simply wearing a pair of boxers Damen had given him one year for Christmas—they had books on them—and a loose t-shirt, the collar slipping off one of his shoulders.It made him look young and vulnerable, which was why he typically avoided looking like that.“Nightmares?” Damen asked softly.

“No.”

Touching the thin, purple skin, Damen said, “These say differently.”

Again, Laurent didn’t reply, but he didn’t avert his eyes, either.They weren’t expressionless, but they were a step away, and Damen had a strange sneaking suspicion that it had to do with his touch, so he withdrew his hand and turned his gaze to the ceiling.

It was tense between them, which Damen hated, and he was about to crack it wide open, figure out what the fuck was going on with Laurent, when Nicaise bounded back into the room, water, Advil, and a banana in hand.Absolutely oblivious to interrupting something, he fell onto Damen’s lap, and poured the objects onto his chest.Wrapping an arm around Nicaise to keep him steady, Damen sat up slowly, and then peeled the banana, taking a bite.After he swallowed, glad that it went down and seemed to be willing to stay, he said, “So what were we brainstorming?”

“A movie, strawberry picking, going to the river, uh…”

“I like the sound of the river.”

“Okay,” Nicaise said.“River, Laurent?”

“Very well.Why don’t you go pack up a bag?Make sure you’ve got something to read in case Damen and I decide to be boring at any point.”

“Right,” Nicaise said seriously, kneeing Damen in the side this time as he hurried to get to work.

“Ow,” Damen mumbled.

“There is no possible way that hurt,” Laurent said.

“Clearly he needs to knee you in the side more often.”

“Clearly.”Then Laurent got off the bed, running a hand through his hair and yawning.“I’m going to go pack some food and sunscreen and towels and things.Is there a particular kind of sandwich you want?”

“Whatever is fine.”

“Alright.”

“Laurent?” Damen said, before he could escape the room and Damen forgot something was wrong in the bustle of the day.

“It’s nothing, Damen.”

“You’re lying.”

Letting out a sigh, Laurent said, “Could we do this later?”

“You’re assuming I’ll forget, I can tell.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Laurent replied and then he left the room.

Taking another bite of his banana, making sure to really tear at it with his teeth, Damen grumbled, “I don’t know, Laurent.The fucking truth would be great.Just a thought.”

“I heard that,” Laurent called.

“Good!”

Gulping down water, a move Damen instantly regretted, he also felt bad about pushing Laurent, especially after requesting they talk about it at a later time.It was just that Damen couldn’t remember the last time Laurent had outright lied to him.Taking a more reasonable sip of water, Damen decided he would let it go for now.They were best friends.He had to trust Laurent would tell him when he was ready.There was no sense starting a fight over something that could be as small as a very bad nightmare.

After working his way through the banana and water, Damen decided to try standing.It went reasonably well, the nausea staying at an almost unnoticeable level.It did become painfully obvious that he was sporting a massive headache, though. 

Sluggishly, he undressed himself and got into swim trunks before heading downstairs and slumping onto the kitchen counter.Laurent was flitting around, grabbing things.When he noticed Damen, he uncovered a pan on the stove, took a plate from the cupboard, and slid an omelet onto it.Smiling, Damen said, “I know I must’ve told you I love you like forty times last night, but I’m going to say it again.I love you.”

“Love you, too.”

There was something off in his voice, something so minuscule that no one besides Damen would’ve noticed, and Damen felt his frustration rise, suddenly sure that it had nothing to do with a nightmare, just like Laurent had told him.It was rare that he didn’t understand what was going on with Laurent.“You just got weird again.”

Stopping in his tracks, Laurent closed his eyes as he exhaled.“Sometimes I wish you didn’t know me as well as you do.”

“Is this…” Damen stopped, considering his next words carefully.“Is this something that you need to be yours?”

“I don’t know.”

“How do you not know?”

“It concerns you,” Laurent murmured.

“Oh.You aren’t…you aren’t mad at me, are you?Or is this about living together?Have you decided it’s a bad idea, because I can respect that and…”

Coming to sit down beside Damen, Laurent shook his head.“No.No, I don’t want you to leave.And I’m not mad at you.”After a pause, he said, “It’s…complicated.”

“Okay.”

“You don’t need to worry, Damen.That much I can promise.”

“You aren’t going to go all blank eyes on me because of it, are you?”

“I wish you wouldn’t call it that.”

“Well, what would you call it?” Damen asked.

Laurent rolled his eyes and stood.Placing sunscreen on the counter, he said, “Put some of that on.You can still get skin cancer.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“I might.Yes.”

“I fucking hate that,” Damen said.

“I know.”

“Why can’t you just tell me?”It had to be asked.Once.

“Because I don’t understand it myself, yet.”

“Fair enough,” Damen sighed, shooting Laurent a comforting smile.Then, as a form of apology, he grasped the sunscreen and squeezed a dollop onto his hand, rubbing it into his left arm.Laurent let out a breath that was close to being a laugh.His eyes lingered, trailing Damen’s hand as it smoothed sunscreen into his bicep.It made Damen’s stomach flip and he thought maybe he was beginning to understand something, but before it became clear, Laurent blinked, smiled, and walked away, calling for Nicaise.

 

That was exactly how the afternoon progressed.As Laurent massaged sunscreen into the skin on Damen’s back, his fingers occasionally seemed to purposefully trace muscle, leaving tingling paths in their wake.When they all swam in the river together, flinging Nicaise around, Damen would laugh and out of the corner of his eye, catch Laurent watching him differently than he usually did, something Damen didn’t recognize, not on Laurent’s face, anyway.Later, when they were reading, and Laurent disgustedly snapped his book shut, declaring it awful, Damen immediately started reading his out loud.As usual—though he didn’t read for Laurent often—Damen fumbled over a word or two on almost every page.Usually, it was something Laurent would tease him for, but today, he didn’t.There was a soft smile on his face, as though he found it endearing.

It wasn’t all that different.If they weren’t so attuned to each other, if they hadn’t known each other as long as they had, Damen was positive he wouldn’t have been able to notice the differences.Laurent wasn’t really acting differently.What was different was the kind of attention he was paying Damen.It was almost reverent.

It wasn’t until the sun was setting over the river that Damen finally understood.In between the two of them, Nicaise was asleep on his towel, breaths slow and deep.Gently, so gently that it took Damen’s breath away, Laurent was stroking the hair by Nicaise’s temple as he watched the sun’s descent.He must’ve felt Damen looking at him, because he turned his gaze and smiled, eyebrows quirking in a question.

Shrugging, Damen said, “It’s just been a good day.Especially considering it started with a hangover.”

“Self-induced.”

“Thanks for reminding me.”

“If I’m not constantly reminding you of all the stupid shit you’ve done and continue to do, what kind of best friend am I?”

“True,” Damen laughed.

“Glad we dragged you out of bed, then?”

“Yeah.Very.”After a stretch of silence, Damen laughed again, something quieter and more reflexive.“How do you always know what to do?I never know what I need, but you always do.”

“I know you.Like you know me.”

“We did earn this, didn’t we?” Damen said, leaning back on his hands and returning his gaze to the horizon.For some reason, that was suddenly much easier than looking at Laurent, as though he were a rival sun and the one in their galaxy was setting in an attempt to run away.

“Yes.I’ve fought harder for you than I’ve fought for anything.”

“Same.”Damen waved a bug from Nicaise’s arm.“Why is that do you think?We were so young.Why did we decide to fight?”

Damen could almost hear Laurent’s brain whirring as he contemplated the question.Unable to help watching, Damen smiled fondly at the seriousness of Laurent’s face, lips thin, eyebrows crinkled slightly.In a slow voice, Laurent said, “I think it’s a common misconception that children cannot feel as deeply as adults do.I can’t say what it was in the beginning, though I do think I was just glad to have a friend who accepted me, but I can tell you that, later, you were often the only thing keeping me alive.Even when…”

“We weren’t talking.”

“But we pretend that didn't happen.”

“Yes, we do,” Damen said.

“What I’m trying to say, I suppose, is that it’s rather simple.For me, anyway.I loved you from the moment we met and I don’t let go of what I love.Obviously,” Laurent said, choking out a laugh.Damen knew that laugh.He was thinking of Auguste.It was true that Laurent had yet to let him go.But, then again, Damen hadn’t really either.  The months surrounding the anniversary of his death were always difficult.

Pushing Damen lightly in the shoulder, Laurent said, “Isn’t it the same for you?”

“I suppose.”

“You suppose?”

“I’ve never known why it was you,” Damen said quietly.“Why you instead of Auguste.Why you instead of the countless other friends along the way.Why I didn’t listen to Nik in high school when he told me to let you go.Whenever I think about the times I could’ve picked differently, I remember that my only reasoning for picking you was that it was _you_.Nik, particularly, didn’t enjoy that reasoning.”

“I’m not sure introspection is a skill, but it’s one you need to practice, nonetheless.”

“Do I now?”

Laurent hummed.And then the amusement deserted his eyes, leaving the emotionless.

The light from the sun finally hit the right angle, slipping between trees, and hitting them.Squinting, Damen decided to avert his eyes, letting them naturally fall onto Laurent.Only a few seconds later, Laurent did the same and then they were staring at each other and it all fell into place.The confusing snatches of memory he had from the night before, the way Laurent had watched him, as though he was relearning every inch of Damen, the careful and perfunctory way he had touched Damen all day, besides the way he’d applied sunscreen earlier.It was all connected, it was all related to the sudden need for Laurent to keep a piece of himself away from Damen.

It was unbelievable, earth-shattering.But it was also the exact opposite, a small voice in the back of Damen’s head saying that this had been true for years, whether or not Laurent had known.

Laurent was in love with him.

Unsure what to think, Damen instead decided to practice his introspection, wondering how exactly he felt about that.As he did, he continued to gaze at Laurent, his gold hair glowing in the light, his eyes shimmering with pinks and oranges, his slender hand still stroking Nicaise’s hair.

He was so beautiful.

He was so beautiful and Damen sighed, wondering how it had escaped his attention all this time.How it had escaped both of their attention for all this time.

Because he was in love with Laurent.Of course he was.It was entirely possible he always had been.The line between what they were now and what they could be was so, so thin.And that line was not helped by the fact that they’d met when they were children, being in love something far from their minds.

The blue of Laurent’s eyes was still fixed on him as all of this occurred to Damen and Damen wondered if Laurent knew what had just transpired, wondered if they were ever going to talk about it, or if they were going to continue the way they were until the day the died.Because they could.It would be easy and safe and the idea of feeling this way about each other after all this time was just ridiculous enough that Damen could pretend it wasn’t real.

And then there was Jokaste.

Feeling his headache return, Damen silently cursed.Everything had just gotten complicated.Very complicated.And this was Laurent.He would have to be careful, because nothing, not even this feeling, was worth losing Laurent over.

Their eye contact broke.Laurent said, “Beautiful sunset, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Damen replied.“It is.”


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, you guys are the greatest and the sweetest and I love you all. Thank you  
> And as always, my shout out to Mari for being a beta that no one deserves, least of all me  
> Enjoy! <3
> 
> P.S. If you're doing math on the years thing...I'm sorry. It's very general. Consider each one with a little squiggly line before it

It was the Saturday after Damen’s first week of high school, a crazy rush of a week, where he’d been tasked with finding his way around a much bigger building to locate his locker and his classes, not to mention trying to find someone to hang out with during lunches.There was one boy, Nikandros, who’d been alright, if a little loud and rambunctious, but Damen’s heart simply hadn’t been in developing a relationship or doing anything, for that matter.Auguste hadn't even come to school yet.To say the first week had been a daze would’ve been an understatement.

Because Aleron was dead.

And his funeral was today.

There was a knock on the door and his mom peeped her head into his room, mustering a small smile.“Laurent’s here.Should I let him up?”

“Course,” Damen said, looking dejectedly at his reflection in the mirror.The suit his mom had rented for him didn’t quite fit, loose in all the wrong places.Not that there were right places.Damen had started growing rapidly and none of his limbs quite worked together, leaving him off balance and generally displeased with his appearance.His dad had told him it would get better, though, so Damen tried not to worry about it much.

“Hey,” Laurent said, coming into the room.He was also dressed in a suit.It didn’t look as painfully awkward on him, but he still looked terrible, eyes bloodshot and skin pale.

“Hey.What’s up?” Damen whispered, sitting on the edge of his bed.Without a word, Laurent joined him.He took a deep breath and rested his head on Damen’s shoulder.

“I had to get out of the house.Auguste and my uncle keep fighting.”

“About what?”

“He wants to move.Not far, just…get us out of the house.Get us away from the memories or something.”

“Move?” Damen whispered, feeling the emptiness in his gut grow.Damen did not want to know what his life would be like without Laurent next door.

“That’s what Auguste is arguing with him about currently.He doesn’t want to move.He’s convinced it would do irreparable damage to me if I was taken away from you.It’s ridiculous, really, but I’d prefer to stay, so I’m not dissuading him.”

“What’s your uncle like?”

Laurent shrugged.“Fine, I suppose.Nice enough.He wasn’t very involved in our lives, so he knows absolutely nothing about what we want or need, but I suspect Auguste will win the fight, so that’s something.”

“Are you…are you going to be okay today?”

“Are you?”

“No.”

“There’s your answer,” Laurent said.

Damen nodded.A lot had been different about Aleron’s death and Hennike’s death, but the most obvious one was Laurent and his willingness to talk.Well, to Damen and Auguste, anyway.Everyone else who asked Laurent anything got a mumbled response.If pressed, Laurent would snap at them.He was getting rather good at coming up with inventive and cruel insults.

“Your suit looks terrible on you.”

“Yeah, I know,” Damen said.

“You never did tell me what soccer team you made.”

“Didn’t seem important.”

“I would like a distraction, Damen.”

“Oh, right,” Damen said.“Well, I made JV.It sounded like I was close to varsity, though, and they’re willing to bump me up if my performance warrants it.”

“It will.I expect you were distracted.”

“A bit.”

“I’m going to make varsity my freshman year,” Laurent said confidently.

Damen smiled.“That amount of arrogance will certainly help.Half of the varsity squad is made up of dicks who think they’re the greatest thing in the world.”

“I’ll fit right in.”

Snorting, Damen leaned his cheek against the top of Laurent’s head.“As long as we’re on the same team.”

“Can I come watch your practices?”

“Yeah.Why would you want to?”

“It’s unlikely I’ll ever want to be in the house, to be honest,” Laurent said.“While I don’t want to move, my uncle isn’t actually wrong.They were the ones who made it a home.”

“It’s still your home, Laurent.”

“No, it’s not.”Lifting his head from Damen’s shoulder, Laurent rubbed his eyes and yawned.Then he shot Damen an apprehensive look.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Shouldn’t we go?” Damen asked, looking at the alarm clock by his bed.It was only a half hour or so before the service.Sighing, Laurent nodded. 

Together, they walked downstairs and out of the house, Damen not even bothering to find his parents and tell them where he was going.They knew. 

When they arrived next door, they found Auguste sitting on the hood of Aleron’s car, a ‘For Sale’ sign taped to the windshield.He was staring out at the street and kicking his foot violently against the license plate.For a long time, he didn’t notice Damen and Laurent.When he finally did, he didn’t smile, which was so abnormal that Damen wondered if he was asleep or in an alternate universe.

Laurent laid a hand on Auguste’s and said, “How did it go?”

“We’re not moving.”

“Good.”

“I hate him,” Auguste mumbled.“I don’t know why, but I do.”

“It’s just because he’s trying to replace Mom and Dad.”

“Maybe.”

Looking uncomfortable, Laurent turned his head and appealed to Damen.Unsure what he was supposed to do, especially if Laurent couldn’t do anything, Damen shook his head.But then he remembered what Hennike had said.According to her, he was the glue that kept the deVere family together.Now there were only two members, but he didn’t see why that should change anything.Somehow, he could do this.He could take care of them both.They’d lost more than two people ever deserved to lose.

Scrambling up onto the hood of the car, Damen said, “I can help, you know.You don’t have to do everything alone.”

“I’m fine.”

“None of us are fine, Auguste.That’s not going to work.”

“I’m just so fucking angry.I’m mad at Dad for leaving us, I’m mad at our uncle for coming in here and trying to turn our lives upside down, I’m mad that I’m an orphan, I’m mad that Laurent’s hurting, I’m…” Auguste trailed off and looked down at his hands.They were shaking.“I’m mad and I have to pretend I’m not.I have to pretend that the only symptom of your heart being broken is sadness, because that’s what people expect.”

“I can handle the reception,” Damen said, fully aware that he couldn’t.The guests would expect Auguste or Laurent to accept their well-wishes, not Damen, who, as far as they were concerned, was not part of the family.

At that, Auguste smiled.It looked shockingly like Laurent’s, more vicious and controlled, but it was a smile, nonetheless.“No, you can’t.And that’s alright.I can do it.”

“Okay.”

“Are you riding over with us?” Auguste asked.

“I thought I would, yeah.”

“Alright.You get to meet my uncle, then.”

And Damen did.He was an impressive presence, refined and polite, with a large beard and hair peppered with gray.But Auguste was right.There was something unpleasant about him beneath all of that.There was no pinpointing what it was, but Damen was shocked to realize he didn’t want to leave either Auguste or Laurent with him.It wasn’t something he could do anything about, but he would make sure to have his room open to either of them whenever they wanted.

The service was intimate and short.Aleron was interred in the ground beside Hennike and then they were heading home, all of their eyes dry, but their conversations short and mellow.Laurent and Auguste’s uncle tried to start numerous conversations and it was awful.Damen wanted to hit him in the head and tell him that it wasn’t helping, that he should leave the comforting to Damen, who had some inkling of what to do.

When they got back to the house, the reception due to start in a half hour, Laurent stopped before crossing the threshold and his face turned to stone.Both Damen and Auguste noticed, pausing with him and exchanging a look.“What is it, Laurent?” Auguste asked.

“I don’t want to be here.I don’t want to see people I don’t even know pretend to mourn our dad.”

“I’m not sure they’re pretending.”

“Did he even have friends?” Laurent said. 

“I don’t know,” Auguste murmured.“I don’t know whose were mom’s and whose were dad’s.”

“There weren’t that many in the first place.”

“You have to, Laurent.”

“I don’t have to do anything.I don’t owe those people a thing.”

Carefully laying a hand on Laurent’s shoulder, surprised and grateful when he didn’t shrug it off, Damen said, “Maybe Auguste needs you to be there for him.”

“Do you?” Laurent asked Auguste.

There was a long silence and then Auguste shook his head.Glancing at Damen, he said, “Take care of him.”And then he strolled into the house. 

Damen wanted to chase after him and shake him, tell him that it was okay to think of himself before he thought of others, but he thought Auguste would just laugh in his face and argue that Damen wouldn’t do it any differently.Laurent swiveled around, presumably going somewhere, and Damen moved in front of him.Crashing into his chest, Laurent stared up at him and said, “What?”

“He wants you there.”

“He said he didn’t.”

“Laurent, you know better.I know you do.Just because he’s selfless to the point of self destruction does not mean you have to let him be.Let’s go in there, struggle through this reception together, and then go to my place and watch movies the rest of the night.”

Sighing, Laurent said, “I’m not him, Damen.I don’t want to be at that reception, so I won’t be there.”

“Fine,” Damen snapped.“Do whatever you want.But I’m going to stay.Someone should be here with him.”

“Alright,” Laurent shrugged, shoving past Damen with his shoulder and heading off down the street, head cast downwards.Feeling rankled at the dismissal, Damen didn’t try to convince him again, he simply walked into the house, found Auguste—who was slightly upset that he’d left Laurent alone—and together, they greeted guests, accepted misplaced apologies, and held thousands of conversations comprised of small talk.It was true that Laurent would’ve hated it, but it didn’t change that he should’ve been there.

When all of the people were gone and most of the food eaten, Laurent still wasn’t back.Their uncle was cleaning up the kitchen, humming to himself, which was kind of strange, and Auguste was watching, fighting his instinct to help.He really didn’t like his uncle, apparently.

Sidling up to Damen, Auguste said, “I’ve texted him, but he isn’t responding.Do you think he’s okay?”

“He’s not texting?”

“No.”

“I’m going to kill him.”

Auguste looked taken aback.“He’s hurting, Damen.You can’t blame him.”

“I can, actually.There’s hurting and then there’s making you worry.”

“It’s really not…”

“I’m going to go look for him,” Damen interrupted.“When I find him, I’ll have him text you and we’ll go from there.Are you going to be alright?”

“Of course.”

“Any place I should try?”

Auguste smiled sadly.“You would know better than I would.”

“I’m sorry,” Damen mumbled, feeling for the first time as though he’d stolen Laurent from Auguste.Maybe if he hadn’t picked one of them, Laurent would’ve stayed today.For his brother. 

“Don’t be.He needs someone like you, deserves someone like you.”

“So do you.”

“I have someone.Please don’t worry,” Auguste said.

“You do?”

Laughing shortly, Auguste nodded.“Go find him, Damen.Do whatever he needs you to do.Promise me.”

“I promise.”

With that, Damen strolled out of the house and headed towards the skate park.They still spent a lot of afternoons there, even though Kastor and his friends had moved on to college, only back during the summers.Despite that, Damen wasn’t actually sure he would be there.If Laurent didn’t want to be found, he couldn’t be.

When he reached the park, his eyes landed on Laurent in seconds.He was lying in the middle of the half-pipe, suit jacket sprawled out beside him, with no skateboarders in sight.It wasn’t that late, so it was odd that there was no one, but it meant that Laurent wasn’t getting run over, so it had to be good.Walking over, he sat down beside Laurent’s head and said, “Found you.”

“I knew you would.”

“The reception sucked.”

“I knew it would,” Laurent said flatly.

Unwilling to start an argument right off the bat, Damen asked, “Where are all the skateboarders?”

“I made them leave.”

“How did you do that?”

“Magic.”

“Right,” Damen said, leaning back on his hands and staring up at the sky.The sun was going to set in an hour or two.

“You’re still upset with me.”

“Text Auguste, would you?”

Reaching into his pocket, Laurent pulled out his phone and tapped out a message to Auguste, before placing the phone on his stomach and catching Damen’s eyes.“I’m sorry,” he said without feeling.

“I’m not the one you need to apologize to.”

“He said he was fine.”

“There is no way you actually believe him,” Damen said.“You’re just using it as a way to be selfish.”

“Screw you.”

Groaning, Damen stood.“I’m going home.I’ll see you later.”

It sounded as though Laurent was about to protest, but Damen kept walking.Guilt flowed in as it always did when Damen fought with Laurent, but this was the first time he felt it wasn’t justified.Someone had to stand up to Laurent when he was being unreasonable and if it wasn’t going to be Auguste, Damen was going to do it.

 

It was late, almost midnight, and Damen couldn’t sleep.He was exhausted from the day, but it didn’t seem to matter.The absence of Aleron weighed on him and he’d honestly expected to see Laurent again today.It wasn’t like him to stay away for long, especially after a fight.If there was a person who hated when they fought more than Damen did, it was Laurent.

A bang came from downstairs.Followed by three more.Sitting up in bed, Damen wondered if he should go investigate, but then he heard the footsteps of his grumbling dad, and he relaxed, closing his eyes, hoping he could make out what was going on downstairs.

His dad opened the front door and started talking to someone, but Damen couldn’t discern any of the words.Then the door shut and two sets of footsteps echoed through the house.They were coming up the stairs and Damen felt his heart racing for no apparent reason.It wasn’t like his dad would let in a stranger and bring them up here, but it was so late that it seemed anything was possible.

“Damen,” his dad said, knocking on the door.“Are you awake?”

“Yeah,” Damen replied.

The door swung open and Damen saw his dad and Laurent standing there.They both looked cold and disgruntled and underdressed.Gently pushing Laurent in, Damen’s dad said, “Night, kids.Please be quiet.”Then he left and Damen was alone with Laurent.

“What are you doing here?” Damen whispered.

Wrapping his arms around himself, Laurent said, “I felt bad.Really bad.And I…I’m sorry, Damen.You were right about everything, as usual.I just…I feel so alone and I can’t sleep in that house and I thought about sharing Auguste’s bed, but I think he’s mad at me, too.”

“Come on,” Damen said, sliding to the other side of his bed and lifting the covers.

Laurent smiled gratefully and hurried across the room, lifting himself in.Within seconds, he was pressing up against Damen, burying his face in his chest and saying, “Thank you.”

“Course.”As the silence lengthened and Laurent didn’t move, Damen said, “Do you think it’s weird?Sharing a bed?”

“Most people would.”

“I asked what _you_ thought.”

“No, Damen,” Laurent said.“I don’t.Do you?”

“No.I guess not.Do people call you gay?”

“Sometimes.”

Damen hummed in response.

“Do people call you that?”

“Yeah.”

“Tell me who they are and I’ll beat them up for you.”

Damen laughed.“I could beat them up just fine myself.I don’t really mind, I just wonder why they do.”

Shrugging, Laurent rolled back to his side of the bed.“Who cares?They’re idiots.”

“True.”

“Are you going to try and sleep?”

“I’m not sure I can.”

“I’m not either.”

“Come back over here,” Damen whispered.“It was helping.”

“Okay,” Laurent said, snuggling back up against Damen and inhaling deeply.“I think we should close our eyes, stop talking, and see what happens.”

“Alright.Goodnight, Laurent.”

“Goodnight.”

“Damen?”

“Yeah?”

“Remember this afternoon?When we were talking about my uncle and how he wanted us to move?”

“Yeah.”

“And I said that the house wasn’t my home anymore?”

“Yes, Laurent, I remember.Are you going somewhere with this?”

“I think maybe you’re my home.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s the best you can do?”

“I just meant that you’re mine, too.”

 

13 Years Later 

 

From his makeshift bedroom in the library, Damen watched the sun rise.All things considered, it wasn’t a bad place to observe the sky shift from pale yellow to blue, the books comforting company.

It should’ve been peaceful, but Damen wanted to be asleep and he wanted to stop thinking obsessively about Laurent because it couldn’t possibly lead to good places.They were living together, for god’s sake.He was going to need to maintain some level of self control.

They were best friends.They had years and years of history.It would be enough.It would be enough until one of them made a move.And Damen was firmly of the belief that Laurent should be the one to do it.Not because Damen was unwilling, but because he didn’t have any objections to a romantic relationship.He didn’t think.He had spent most of the morning laughing about it, somewhat hysterically, as he worked his head around the idea that he was in love with his best friend.

The point was, Laurent almost definitely had objections.There was Nicaise to consider, the possibility of ruining their friendship to consider, living arrangements to consider, Jokaste to consider, probably hundreds of things to consider and Laurent would weigh each and every one.And Damen was going to let him.

What that didn’t change, of course, were the nerves, the bubbling anticipation, the tendency towards breaking into ridiculously large smiles whenever he thought of Laurent and what he’d discovered yesterday.And it didn’t change how fucking terrifying it was.In a relationship that had lasted as long as his and Laurent’s had, any change was alarming and took adjusting to.

Deciding to get out of bed and get the coffee started, Damen slipped on a pair of boxers and headed for the door.As his hand landed on the knob, he wondered if he should put a shirt on.It was true he preferred going shirtless, that he did most mornings, but it was probably distracting.

Then again, it might be unwise to change his routine because it would acknowledge that something had changed.

But something had changed, hadn’t it?

Cursing himself, Damen forwent a shirt and slipped downstairs, keeping his footsteps light.Flicking on the lights in the kitchen, he yawned, and set about making the coffee, making sure it was strong the way Laurent liked it. 

As it dripped away, he found bread, eggs, and bacon, and began making breakfast.Laurent had been known to sleep in on Sundays, but it was much rarer these days, since Nicaise tended to get up early and make a lot of noise.

He was cracking eggs into a bowl, when the sound of Laurent clearing his throat made Damen look up.“You’re up early,” Laurent said, voice cracking slightly.His clothes and hair were mussed and he was yawning, a hand over his mouth.Damen knew he was grinning and he forced himself to focus back on his task as a form of distraction.

“Yeah.Had trouble sleeping.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

Laurent hummed in response, dragging himself to the cupboard to find a mug.Then he stood in front of the coffee maker and stared, waiting for it to finish.Laughing, Damen said, “You do know you can just pull the carafe out, right?”

“If I do, it’ll make a mess.”

“I’ll clean it up.”

“You’re abysmal at cleaning,” Laurent mumbled, removing the carafe from the stand, anyway, and filling up his mug.He shuffled back to the counter, pulled out a stool, and sat down, immediately taking a sip even though it was much too hot.Unsurprisingly, it burned his tongue and he said, “Fuck, that was a terrible idea.Get me a glass of water, would you?”

“Sure, if you put a dollar in the swear jar,” Damen said, finding it on the counter next to the toaster and waving it in the air.

“I don’t have money on me.”

“Well, that really is too bad.”

“I’d like to establish a rule for the swear jar.If Nicaise isn’t around, neither one of us has to pay for swearing.Deal?”

“Deal,” Damen said.“Doesn’t get you off the hook for that one, though.”

“It’s early and you’re in a good mood.It’s very strange.”

“I got to see the sun rise.It’s a very invigorating experience.”

“I’m sure,” Laurent said, eyeing him suspiciously.Damen felt the urge to laugh.It was far from a mystery why he was in a good mood.And then it occurred to Damen.What if Laurent didn’t know?What if he hadn’t realized Damen felt the same way yesterday?That wouldn’t be entirely crazy to assume, considering Damen hadn’t said a word.Though he’d been almost positive…well, fuck.He was just going to have to make sure Laurent knew.Somehow.

He was going to have to flirt with his best friend.The very idea made him burst into laughter.

“What is with you?” Laurent asked.

“Nothing.”

“Considering you accused me of lying yesterday, I’m going to do the same to you.”

Damen considered leaning across the counter, fitting himself into Laurent’s personal space, but he ended up shrugging instead and returning to the eggs.Part of him couldn’t believe he’d chickened out, but another part of him could.He hadn’t flirted with Laurent before, not purposefully, not with intent, and it made his stomach squirm.“I think I’m going to go over to Nik’s for awhile today.Want me to get anything while I’m out?”

“Your sanity, please.”

“Fuck off.”

“Swear jar,” Nicaise said, padding into the kitchen.

“Oh, come on,” Damen groaned while Laurent laughed.He and Nicaise high-fived and then Laurent pulled him up onto his lap so they could murmur to each other.Aware he was being left out of the conversation on purpose, Damen went to fetch his and Laurent’s wallets, taking a dollar bill from each and dropping it into the jar. 

“You are going to put that away, aren’t you?” Laurent asked, when Damen flung both of their wallets onto the counter.

“Nope.”

Laurent smirked.“Interesting.”

“Don’t hurt Damen,” Nicaise said.

“I’m going to agree with Nicaise on this one.”

“Oh, I’m not going to hurt him,” Laurent said, still smiling.Lifting Nicaise off his lap, he came around the counter and leaned against it right beside Damen. 

“I’d like to remind you I’m cooking your breakfast.”

“Tell me, Damen, whose house is this?”

“Yours.”

“Correct.Gold star,” Laurent said.Damen could feel how inevitable his loss was, but he was feeling indulgent.Any and every version of Laurent was unduly fascinating at the moment.

“And who so generously let you live here?”

“You.”

“Yes, good.And, pray tell, who makes sure this house is pristine because that’s how he likes it?”

“You.”

“My, Damen, you are quite good at this game.”

Grinning, Damen turned and tilted his head down, a delighted thrill running down his back at the way Laurent had to tilt his head up to keep eye contact.It got better when Damen noticed Laurent’s pupils dilate.Taking a deep breath, double checking he could say what he wanted to say without laughing or losing steam, Damen said, “I’m good at all kinds of games.”

Laurent bit down on the corner of his mouth, disguising a smile.“Quite,” he said, stepping away.“Nonetheless, I think you see my point.”

“Yeah, alright, I’ll put it away.After I cook your breakfast.”

“Excellent.”

Settling back on his stool, Laurent and Nicaise started some kind of hand clapping game that Nicaise adored, judging by the brightness of his smile.Damen resumed cooking breakfast and when it was done, he split all of it up three ways, and set the plates down in front of everyone.He was thanked and then ignored, but he hardly minded.

Nicaise was easily one of the best things that had happened in Laurent’s life.  And Damen's, if he were being honest.  But the point was, Nicaise and Laurent were both excellent at cheering the other up and they loved each other unconditionally.To anyone else, Damen knew it would feel invasive, staring the way he was, but this was his family and they were both glowing, throwing scraps of bacon at each other.

When they were done, Laurent was the one to clean up, though he did insist that Damen clean the coffee maker because he’d said he would.

“What are we doing today?” Nicaise asked, once the sink water was shut off and Laurent was wiping his hands on a towel.

“Damen is going to Nik’s,” Laurent said.

“Can I come?”

“Well…”

“Yes, can’t he, Damen?” Laurent asked, eyes sparkling.He was definitely in a better mood than he had been at the start of the morning and Damen thought he knew why.

“Please, please, please,” Nicaise crowed.“I love Nik and I haven’t seen him in ages.”

“I…let me call him, first.”

“Okay.”

Retreating up to his bedroom, Damen laid down on his bed and called Nikandros.He picked up after three rings.

“Dude, it’s fucking early.”

“It’s after nine, Nik.You’re an adult.”

“Sure I am.What’s up, Damen?”

“Two things, I guess.Do you want the question or the news first?”

“News,” Nikandros said, yawning into the phone, making the connection crackle.

“I’m in love with Laurent.”

There was a long silence.Damen almost started babbling, just to fill it, but he held his tongue, not wanting to thoroughly embarrass himself.Finally, Nikandros said, “Well, alright.Sure.Why not?”

“Are you…”

“Dude, what the fuck?Two days ago you were sitting on the fucking asphalt and sobbing about Jokaste and now you’re calling me and telling me that you’re in love with your best friend?I mean, okay, it’s not completely insane, because you two have always had a kind of… _thing_ , but I’m literally going to bash your head in with a rock because….because what the fuck?”

“Yeah, I know,” Damen said.“Trust me, I know.”

“Does he…love you back?”

“Think so.”

“Oh,” Nikandros said.“Well, that’s…good.What are you going to do?What the fuck are you going to do?What the fuck is he going to do?What the…okay, I’m sorry, I have to ask once.Have I woken up in an alternate universe where you’re bat-shit crazy?”

“Nope.”

“Well, alright.Back to my earlier question, then.What are you going to do?Because I hate to break itto you, man, but you can’t just tell him you love him and then expect him to fall into your arms or whatever.You just got out of a serious relationship.That you were crying over two days ago.”

“I don’t know,” Damen mumbled, running a hand over his forehead.“I have no idea.I’m still trying to decide if it even matters.”

“What even matters?”

“Jokaste.”

“Kind of seems like she does.”

“I know, but it’s Laurent.It’s Laurent and I.I’ve known him since I was eight years old, Nik.”

“Yes, but you were in love with Jokaste,” Nikandros said.“Still might be, I don’t know.Are you?”

“I don’t know.”

“And therein lies your problem.”

“I’m going to have to talk to her,” Damen mumbled.

“Well, that’s a horrible idea.”

“I need to do something.”

“Why?”

“Why?Are you serious?Yesterday, I figured out that I was in love with my best friend.I didn’t fucking get any sleep last night.I live with him.I purposefully flirted with him while I was cooking breakfast this morning.That’s why I need to do something.If I don’t do something, I’ll go crazy and end up kissing him at the worst possible moment and then he’ll hate me forever and I can’t have Laurent hate me forever.I can’t.He’s everything.He’s always been everything.”

“Jesus,” Nikandros said.“Alright.So you talk to Jokaste.I think you should have someone go with you.”

“Okay.I nominate you.”

“I un-nominate me.”

“And I re-nominate you.Come on, it’ll be fun,” Damen said, trying to make his voice light and failing miserably.

“I don’t deserve this.Why can’t Laurent go?”

“Because it’s about him.”

“Fine.Let me know when that’s happening, then.”

“I will.”

“What was the question?” Nikandros asked.“Please tell me it’s something more pleasant.”

“Well, I was going to come over to talk to you about all of this but then Nicaise wanted to come and I knew I couldn’t do it while he was there, so I don’t actually need to come over anymore, but…can we come over?”

“About that…”

“What?” Damen said.

“Jord’s kind of coming over.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Sort of.We’re hanging out.Apparently.I’m not really sure what that means and he won’t tell me.”

“Ask him if we can be there, too.”

“Dude,” Nikandros whined, “what if hanging out is code for sex?”

“Please.Nicaise sounded really excited.”

“Fuck.Fine.I’ll ask.I’ll text you when I know.”

“Sounds good,” Damen said.“Thank you, Nik.”

“Yeah, yeah.I’ll probably see you later, dumbass.”

“Bye,” Damen said, hanging up.Raising himself up off his bed, he left his bedroom and found Laurent lurking suspiciously in the bathroom next door.Actually, it was entirely possible he was innocently doing laundry, but Damen happened to know Laurent was very good at multitasking. 

Leaning against the doorjamb of the bathroom, Damen said, “Hear something interesting?”

Laurent flushed lightly, but his voice remained calm and collected.“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about, Damen.I’m doing laundry.Some of it is yours, in fact.”

“Thanks.”

Nodding, Laurent slid open a compartment and poured liquid detergent and fabric softener in.Then he shut it and hit the on button, adjusting the settings to his satisfaction before pressing start.When he approached Damen, he said, “Are you going to continue blocking the door?”

Smiling, Damen stepped out of the way and trailed after Laurent.They ended up back downstairs in the kitchen where Nicaise was dooding on a paper towel with a purple crayon.Jerking his head up, he said, “Are we going?”

“Don’t know yet, kid.Nik’s going to get back to me on that one.”

“What are we going to do until then?”

Damen exchanged a glance with Laurent and they both smiled at each other.It made Damen’s stomach flutter.Before he got too distracted, he averted his gaze and said, “What do you want to do?”

“Soccer!”

“Really?I thought I hadn’t converted you, yet.”

In a quiet voice, Laurent said, “I may have…helped.”

“You’ve been playing soccer with him?Without me?” Damen asked, offended.

“A little.”

“We’re playing soccer,” Damen said, eyes on Laurent.“And I’m going to beat both of your asses.”

“Swear jar.”

“No.”

“Yes,” Laurent said.“When I went to pick Nicaise up for a dentist’s appointment a couple of weeks ago, a parent in the waiting room assured me that ‘ass’ was a swear word.”

“Bullshit.Why the fuck were you talking to a parent about swear words, anyway?”

“Well, that’s definitely the swear jar.”

Sighing, Damen fetched his wallet, regretting that he hadn’t left it on the counter despite Laurent’s protestations, and stuffed three more dollars into the jar.“That thing’ll be full before Christmas,” he grumbled, stuffing the wallet into his pocket.

 

The three of them played soccer for twenty minutes, Damen ending up on the ground at least three times, once with Nicaise landing on top of him and tickling him to the point of surrender.It wasn’t as though he had to suffer through it, but Laurent was watching them both with such fondness that Damen couldn’t do anything else but what he did, which was lay there, resisting feebly.

But then Nikandros said they could come over and so they all piled into Laurent’s car and drove over to Nikandros’ house, a run-down little place that had an overgrown garden and a purple front door.Nikandros liked neither, but he didn’t have the energy to change it.When he’d bought the place, he had insisted it was only temporary, until he found somewhere better that he could afford, but he still hadn’t moved.And it had been four years.

Jord’s car was already there and Nicaise grew even more excited.“You didn’t say Jord was going to be here!”

“Surprise,” Damen said.

The second the car was parked, Nicaise was jumping out and running for the front door.Both Damen and Laurent lingered, watching him, smiling when Nikandros opened the door and gathered Nicaise into a hug, lifting him into the air and putting him on his shoulders, ducking so that Nicaise didn't hit his head when they went inside.

Damen unbuckled his seatbelt and glanced over at Laurent.“Shall we go in?”

“There’s no need to wait for me.”

“Want to be alone?”

Laurent laughed shortly.“Please.Just for awhile.I’ll be in soon, I promise.”

“You are alright, aren’t you?”

“I am,” Laurent said.Then, more softly: “You know I am.”

“Are we…”

“No.No, we’re not.”

“Right,” Damen said, shooting Laurent what he hoped was a comforting smile, before stepping out of the car and walking into Nikandros’ house, opening the front door, which was unlocked like always.He was greeted with the sight of Nikandros on the floor, Nicaise on top of him, tickling him—clearly he was in a mood—and Jord cheering him on from the couch.Nikandros kept glaring at Jord, who just laughed.

Settling on the couch beside Jord, Damen said, “Hey.How are you?”

“Good,” Jord said.“A little tired.My sister got the job in New York and my dad has been a bit hysterical about the whole thing.  He doesn’t want her to go.So I’ve been doing a lot of damage control.It’s actually made my babysitting experience relevant.”

Laughing, Damen said, “I bet it has.”

“You want to know what I’m doing with Nik.”

“Huh?”

“I know that’s why you sat here.”

Though it hadn’t been a purposeful action, Damen realized that he would’ve wound the conversation around to that eventually, no question.Nikandros was important and Damen didn’t want to see him hurt.Sneaking a glance to the floor, Damen noticed that Nikandros and Nicaise were both still very occupied, laughing and poking each other.“What are you doing with Nik?”

“What’s he doing with me?”

Damen nodded.“I forgot you’ve been around a long time, listening to stories.”

“Has he actually ever been in a serious relationship?”

“Uh…no?Maybe?There was one girl in college he saw for longer than a month.”

“You see my concern, right?”

“You like him, then?” Damen asked.

Jord nodded, flushing hard.Despite that, he remained serious and intense.It struck Damen, not for the first time, just how genuine he was and how deeply he felt things.He really was going to be a match for Nikandros in more ways than one.

Considering his answer, Damen said, “Yeah, I get where you’re coming from.But you have to know that he’s a good person.A very good one, not that he would admit it.If you tell him what you need the relationship to be, he’ll either agree or back away.He’s not going to do anything that will end up hurting you.”

“That’s good to know,” Jord said slowly.

“And, honestly, he really likes you.Kind of talks about you all the time.Don’t tell him I told you that.He’ll kill me.”

Jord laughed.“I won’t say a word.”

“He’s kind of desperate for something.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“What are you two talking about over there?” Nikandros asked, sitting up, while gently shoving Nicaise off of him.

“Nothing.”

“You,” Jord said at the same time.

“Oh,” Nikandros said, scratching the back of his neck.“Well, that’s…of course you are.I’m a worthy conversation topic.”

“Nice recovery,” Damen said.

“Shut up.Where’s Laurent, anyway, lover boy?”

“Lover boy?” Nicaise asked.

“Don’t worry about it,” Damen replied, glaring at Nikandros.“He’s in the car.He said he’ll be in soon.”

“Talking about me?” Laurent asked, coming through the front door.

“Yep,” Nikandros said. 

“Do tell.”

“Oh, I think you know why.”

“Jesus,” Damen mumbled.Jord gave him a questioning glance and Damen shook his head.If he really wanted to know, he could ask Nikandros when they were gone.

Laurent raised his eyebrows and sat down beside Damen, crossing his legs and folding his hands in his lap.At least, until Nicaise jumped up onto the couch and crawled onto Laurent, taking his hands and comparing them with his.

The five of them easily fell into conversation and that was how they spent the afternoon, catching up and playing with Nicaise, who adored each and every one of them.It made Damen happy to witness, as it always did.This was a support system that Nicaise would have for his entire life.This was what Laurent had deserved and had had taken away from him.

When they were set to leave, Jord staying behind to Nikandros’ delight, Laurent pulled Nikandros aside and had a quick, murmured conversation with him.It piqued Damen’s curiosity and he tried to eavesdrop, like Laurent almost certainly had this morning, but it was much harder like this and he eventually gave up.

They were halfway home when Damen softly asked what the conversation had been about.Staring out at the road, Laurent tapped his fingers against the wheel and then said, “You.”


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one thing...I have twitter now and I don't know how to use it, but I'm gonna talk about books, my writing, and a tiny bit about my life, so....if that's something you're interested in, you can find me @soooimwriting  
> Other than that, I want to thank all of you, as usual. You make this all so easy and it's awesome  
> And thank you, of course, to Mari, who is the real hero  
> Enjoy! <3

“Laurent, come on.It won’t be so bad.I promise.They’re good guys.”

“You don’t need to…”

Damen stopped walking down the hall and turned, putting his hands on Laurent’s shoulders, over the top of his backpack straps.He was much taller than Laurent now, whose growth spurt had yet to hit, and it was almost hilarious how far back he had to tilt his head to keep his eyes on Damen’s.“I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do.You know that.It’s you and me, remember?If you don’t want to meet them, we can go sit somewhere else.”

“You don’t need to baby me.Do what you want and I’ll do what I want.”

“For god’s sake, I’m not babying you.You’re my best friend.I go where you go.”

Shaking his head, Laurent smiled and nodded.Slipping his hands from Laurent’s shoulders, Damen resumed walking towards the cafeteria, bumping up against Laurent as he did.“So, how’s the first day of high school treating you?”

“Adequately.”

“Get lost?”

“A couple of times,” Laurent admitted, looking very disgruntled about it.

“I couldn’t find my locker for a week, you know.I literally carried around books for four classes all day for a week because I kept running late whenever I went to search for it.”

“That’s really embarrassing,” Laurent said, smile back.

“Have you seen Auguste at all?”

“No.You?”

“Nope.I think he’s probably off flirting with Kate somewhere,” Damen said, keeping his eyes peeled as they entered the cafeteria.But, as he expected, Auguste was nowhere to be found.He had mentioned yesterday that he might disappear with Kate.How he’d managed to find a girl that would spend inordinate amounts of time with him was beyond Damen.There were a few girls who invited Damen to parties and things, but they all looked at him the same way, as if they wanted to tear his clothes off with their teeth.While there was nothing strictly wrong with that and Damen did enjoy the attention, often enthusiastically, it wasn’t ever enough to abandon Laurent for a night.Doing so felt like tearing a limb off and Laurent wouldn’t ever attend a party with him.

“I can’t believe he still hasn’t let us meet her.”

“Wants her all to himself, apparently.”

“Ugh.”

Damen laughed and then took Laurent’s hand, making sure he didn’t get lost in the rush of people coming into the cafeteria.He led him over to a table on the left side of the cafeteria.No one was here yet, but that was alright.They were probably in line for food.Both Damen and Laurent had their own lunches, so they pulled them out and started to eat.Two bites into his sandwich, Laurent said, “There are a number of people staring at us.”

“Yeah,” Damen said.

“You never told me you were popular.”

Shrugging, Damen said, “I’m not really.It’s not like any of them are my friends.According to Nik, I’m just the guy who everyone knows because he’s nice and moderately attractive.Though, to be fair, they’re probably staring because I talk about you a lot.”

“Ah.So I’m famous by association.”

Snorting out a laugh, Damen threw a carrot at Laurent’s face.Without blinking, Laurent caught it in his mouth, almost dropping it, but grabbing it at the last second with his teeth.“Nice catch,” Damen said, leaning back in his chair and keeping an eye out for Nikandros or Lazar.

When they appeared, he smiled and waved.They bounded over excitedly, Nikandros tackling Damen into a hug and kissing him loudly on the cheek.It was disturbingly wet and Damen had to wipe his cheek after.“Hey, dude,” Nikandros said.“Long time no see.Why the fuck you think you can get away with almost an entire summer of not seeing me, I don’t know, but it’s unacceptable.”

Lazar punched him in the shoulder and sat down, gazing at Laurent lazily.“So you’re Laurent,” he said.

“Yes.”

“Cool.I’m Lazar.If you want booze or weed at any time, let me know.”

“Trying to deal to people is not how you make friends, man,” Damen said, rolling his eyes at Laurent, who laughed.

“It’s made me plenty of friends, thank you.”

“It’s true,” Nikandros said, taking the seat on the other side of Laurent.“Ladies swarm him like flies.”

“You’re the one who cares about ladies.”

“Fine.Men swarm him like flies, too.”

“They don’t want to fuck, though.”

“Jesus,” Damen said, “You’re fifteen, Lazar.Of course they don’t.”

“No, darling, that’s not why.They’re straight.Or closeted.”

“I’m so sorry,” Damen said to Laurent.“I would say they aren’t usually like this, but they one hundred percent are.Of course, they could’ve tried to be normal for five seconds.”

“He’s either going to like us or he isn’t,” Lazar said.“No point pretending to be someone I’m not.”

“Cheers to that,” Nikandros said, raising his can of soda and clinking it against Lazar’s.

Wide-eyed, Laurent said, “Well, this is certainly enlightening.”

“Did he just say enlightening in conversation?” Nikandros asked.

“I love you, Nik, but if you make fun of him, I will beat you up.Or laugh and watch as he does.”

“Okay, that’s fair.Sorry, Laurent.I wish I had the intelligence to use big words like that.”

“You do,” Lazar said.“You just think it’s cool to be dumb, which means I’ve decided Laurent is my new best friend, because he’s clearly the only one of us who’d rather be himself than cool and I respect that.”

“Do you ever exhaust yourself?” Nikandros asked.

They kept bickering and Laurent leaned in to Damen.“I think I actually like them, which is rather mystifying.”

“I know the feeling.”

“Is Lazar gay, then?”

Damen nodded.“Shouts about it all the time.To everyone.Even people who didn't really ask.I think the only reason he hasn’t gotten beaten up is because he gets drugs for all the people who would beat him up.”

“That would do it,” Laurent said, taking a swig from his water bottle.

For the rest of lunch, they talked and joked, easily weaving Laurent into their conversations.Damen was delighted that his friends did so without complaint or issue.It was a kind of acceptance Damen hadn’t thought to expect, but one Laurent had sorely needed.Just by his smile, Damen could see he was feeling better now than he had for most of the summer.The free time had given Laurent a lot of time to think about his parents and it hadn’t been good.

When they all parted ways for class, Damen went with Laurent, walking him to the door of his math classroom.“I’ll see you at soccer practice,” Damen said.

“Okay.Remind me to trip you up at least once.”

“Ha ha.Very funny.”

“It will be.”Laurent smiled, poked Damen’s side, and then disappeared into the class.Setting off for his own, Damen let out a sigh of pure happiness.It was so good having Laurent here.So good.

 

Soccer practice was largely uneventful.Laurent did manage to trip him, more than once, but then their coach had told them to stop playing around and focus.It was a lot of mindless drills and then a scrimmage at the end, which was the only reason soccer practice was worth going to, besides the fact that you’d get kicked off the team if you didn’t show up often enough.

Instead of calling for a ride, Damen and Laurent decided to walk home.It was a nice day and lately, Laurent had been more than uninterested in being in his own house.He’d been reluctant, sometimes to the point of getting angry.

As they walked, Laurent said in a quiet voice, “I’m gay, too, you know.Like Lazar.”

Glancing over at him, Damen noticed Laurent’s head was down and that he was scuffing the toes of his cleats against the pavement.Immediately, Damen felt awful.It wasn’t a big deal or something he cared about, but Laurent seemed to think it was and that hurt.He shouldn’t be scared.“Okay,” Damen said, hoping that was the right response.

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

“But…sharing beds and…casual touching.We do a lot of that and, obviously, if it makes you uncomfortable, we can stop, I just thought that you’d be a little more freaked out about it than…”

“It’s okay,” Damen said.“And we don’t have to stop any of those things.”

“Aren’t you going to ask questions?”

“No?”

“You are being disturbingly calm about this,” Laurent grumbled.

“Would you like me to do something else?”

“No.”

“Alright, then,” Damen said succinctly.Then he bent down and held his hands behind him.“Come on, piggy back ride.”

“You’re trying to make me feel better.”

“Yep.”

Laurent sighed, mumbling something to himself, but then he jumped onto Damen’s back and wrapped his arms tight around Damen’s neck.“Your hair’s all sweaty,” he said disapprovingly.

“So’s yours.That’s what running around in the sun does.”

“God, you’re irritating.”

“You love me.”

“I do,” Laurent said, voice sincere.Then he kicked Damen’s hip and said, “Giddy-up.I want to get home and pester Auguste with questions about Kate.”

They set off down the street, Damen hiking Laurent up every once in awhile so he didn’t drop him.He almost made it to their street, but then his arms gave out and he warned Laurent before setting him down.When they reached their houses, they stared at their respective ones, both obviously debating whether they should split up or stay together. 

Laurent’s stare was more apprehensive, though, and Damen knew the only reason he wasn’t running into Damen’s house was because he came over so often that he felt as though he was imposing.Taking Laurent’s hand, startling Laurent slightly, Damen said, “Come over.We’ll watch something.I’ll text Auguste and invite him.”

“Your parents must be tired of feeding me.”

“Never.They adore you, Laurent.You know that.”

“Have you ever thought badly of anyone or anything in your entire life?”

“Yes,” Damen said, thinking of Laurent’s uncle.So far, he hadn’t done anything wrong that Damen knew of, but he still unsettled Damen.He’d thought maybe the feeling would pass as he got to know the man, but it didn’t.Laurent was the only one who didn’t seem to notice.In fact, for awhile, the two of them had gotten on very well.Recently, that had changed.Damen hadn’t asked why.He wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

Laurent rolled his eyes.“I don’t believe you.”

“Hey.”

“Hmm?”

“Was I the first person you told?”

Laurent nodded.“Yes.And besides Auguste, you’re the only person I want to tell.It’s really not anyone’s business, after all.”

“I won’t say a word.”

“I know,” Laurent said, squeezing Damen’s hand.They set off for the house and Laurent whispered, “Thank you, by the way.”

“For what?”

“For still wanting to hold my hand.”

“It’s not like I think you’re going to jump my bones,” Damen said.

Laurent burst into laughter, opening the door to Damen’s house.“You make a good point.That would be utterly preposterous.”

 

12 Years Later

 

The front door burst open and Laurent whisked into the kitchen, scanning the counters and lifting mail.Damen sipped his coffee and watched, the relatively constant butterflies coming back to life.Smiling lazily, he said, “Looking for something?”

“I don’t have my wallet and it isn’t by the door.Why is it not by the door, Damen?”

“Are you late?”

“Not yet, but I’m about to be.”

“Alright, relax,” Damen said, standing.“Have you asked Nicaise?”

“He isn’t awake.”

“I’m going to go ask him.You keep looking.”

Pausing in his scuffle, Laurent glanced up at Damen and smiled, briefly resting a hand on his arm.“Thank you.”

They both knew neither the touch nor the thank you was necessary, but they’d been manufacturing ways to touch each other for a week.Or, at least, Damen had been.He wasn’t sure what Laurent was doing.He wasn’t sure what either of them were doing.It was a waiting game, but he had no idea what he was waiting for.He suspected that Laurent, at least, knew that much.

Taking the stairs two at a time, he crept into Nicaise’s room and touched him gently on the shoulder.Slowly, Nicaise woke up.Rubbing his eyes, he whined, “Why?”

“I know it’s the first day of summer, kid, but Laurent doesn’t know where his wallet is and I thought you might.”

“Oh.Yeah.But don’t tell Laurent I knew.”

“Just tell me where it is.”

“On the coffee table.I just wanted to see what Laurent’s license picture looked like, I swear I wasn’t…”

“It doesn’t matter,” Damen said, kissing him on the forehead.“Go back to sleep.”

“Damen?”

“Yeah?”

“What’s going on with you and Laurent?The both of you are acting weird.It’s like you fought, but…not.”

Surprised and a little taken aback, Damen said, “We’re both trying to figure that out.We’ll let you know when we do, okay?”

“Okay.”

Slipping out of Nicaise’s bedroom and closing the door behind him, Damen went into the living room and found Laurent’s wallet right where Nicaise said it would be.Picking it up, he flipped it open, made sure all of the necessary cards were there, and then went to find Laurent, who, for some reason, was looking in the fridge.

“Why would your wallet be there?”

“I don’t know,” Laurent said.“My wallet is always by the door.Since it’s either you or Nicaise who moved it, I thought I’d broaden my area of search.”

“Search me, then.”

Slowly, Laurent closed the fridge and faced Damen, a small smirk on his face.“You’re making me late,” he said, as he wound his arms around Damen, finding his hands, and prying the wallet from them.For a second, Damen resisted, but then he relented, smiling as Laurent smiled at him.He was overly aware of his heart beating in loud, aggressive thumps.

“Have a good day at work,” Damen said, expecting Laurent to fly out the door.

But he didn’t.Instead, he stepped even closer, so their chests were almost flush, and said, “You’re making dinner tonight, right?”

"I am now.”

“I’d like there to be strawberries, since they’re in season.Pork, as well.Maybe some potatoes.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“Excellent,” Laurent said, smiling.Damen’s knees felt weak and he knew he kept looking at Laurent’s lips, but he couldn’t stop.They were right there, flush and lovely.Laurent poked him in the side and said, “I do believe you’re getting distracted.Are you sure you remember what I want for dinner?”

“Strawberries.Pork.Potatoes.”

“Impressive.”

“Weren’t you late?” Damen whispered, trying to get across how little self control he had left.If Laurent stood that close that much longer, he was going to be against the counter, his lips shamelessly busy, and there’d be no going to work for at least fifteen minutes.

Laurent blushed, his eyelids falling shut, as though looking at Damen was suddenly unbearable.“I was about to be.But I definitely am now.Thank you for finding my wallet.”

“Sure.”

Moving back, Laurent said, “I’ll see you tonight.”

“Love you.”

There was a momentary pause, one that was becoming regular whenever they exchanged the sentiment, but Laurent always said it back, without fail.“Love you, too.”His voice came out casual and calm.Damen knew that was why he paused each time.

Going upstairs, Damen flopped down on his bed and grinned at the ceiling.He’d been doing that a lot.Nikandros had told him multiple times that it was getting exhausting.Damen didn’t listen, though, mostly because Nikandros did not know the definition of exhausting.The definition of exhausting was flirting shamelessly with Laurent almost every second they were together and moving no further than that.But he wasn’t going to make a move, not until he was sure Laurent wanted him to.There was no screwing this up.

Besides, he hadn’t talked to Jokaste yet.That was in a couple of hours, during his lunch.He hadn’t actually told Laurent about it and he was kind of regretting that decision, but he hadn’t wanted to worry him.Tonight, he would tell him.

Pushing himself up, Damen got dressed for work and then left, greeting Jord on the way out, who was sitting on the couch and watching a show Damen hadn’t seen before.

 

At lunchtime, Damen called Nikandros.

“You ready for this?” he asked when Nikandros picked up the phone.

“No.I mean, feel free to drive over, but I might jump off a cliff before you get here.”

“Yeah, I might, too.”

“Are you sure about this, Damen?”

“I have to do this,” Damen said, thinking of this morning.“God, do I have to.I have to know why.”

“I’m going to be a terrible mediator.”

“You’re just there to make sure I don’t punch her.”

“Yeah, alright.See you soon,” Nikandros said with a sigh.

Stowing his phone, Damen got into his car and drove across town to the depressingly dull brick building Nikandros worked in.It was a deception, though.Inside, artwork and couches lined the walls, computers set up in the middle, where Nikandros did coding and other computer things that Damen did not understand.Instead of walking in, Damen just waited in his car, knowing Nikandros would be out in a minute or two.

Sure enough, he was, and when he slid into the car, looking distinctly put out, Damen said, “Thanks, man.”

“I can’t believe I’m wasting my lunch break suffering.”

“Promise me, I can’t either.”

That seemed to make Nikandros feel better.He put a hand on Damen’s shoulder, squeezed, and then said, “Drive.”

 

Ten minutes later, they parked outside a Starbucks.Coffee had been the best option.Though it didn’t offer a large selection of food, it did mean they didn’t have to depend on waiters and menus and things that would delay the actual conversing.They all had to go back to work afterwards, after all.

Damen didn’t get anything, too nervous and worked up, but Nikandros did, promising Damen that he could have some if he felt the need.Then, together, they turned and searched for Jokaste.

Damen spotted her instantly.She was at a table by a window, the sun filtering in, making her golden hair shine brilliantly.Knowing her, Damen was aware it was a carefully picked place with a carefully picked outfit, a light blue and floaty dress.She was reminding him why they’d been together as long as they had.Or, one of the reasons, anyway.Letting out a breath, Damen said, “Fuck.”

“Jesus christ,” Nikandros said.“Is she trying to get you back or something?”

“Who the hell knows?”

“Let’s go find out.”

When they reached the table, Joksate stood.“Damen,” she said, smoothing down her dress and stepping in for a hug, before rethinking it and gazing demurely down at her feet.It was the strangest thing she’d ever done.For a moment, all he could do was stare at her and wonder how they had ended up here of all places. 

“Hi,” he finally said.“Let’s sit.”

“Yes, of course.How are you?”

“I’m alright.You?”

“Well enough,” she smiled.

“Yes and I’m delightful,” Nikandros said.“Let’s move past the pleasantries, people.We don’t have all day and we all know the two of you are feeling terribly awkward and not fine.”

“Thanks, Nik.”

“No problem, man.”

Taking a sip of her coffee, Jokaste drank Damen in, her eyes lingering on each feature of his face, as though she was sure he was going to disappear in a puff of smoke.It wasn’t fair, her looking at him like that.She must’ve noticed the shift in his mood, because she said, “What did you want to talk about?”

Damen had no idea where to start.There were lots of things he wanted to go over, but it seemed important that she understood what had brought this on in the first place.He wanted her to know what she could accomplish and what she couldn’t.Deciding to be blunt, Damen said, “I’m in love with Laurent.I think I’ve been in love with him a long time.Obviously, I loved you, too, and I’m trying to figure out where I stand…with you.”

Blinking, Jokaste drank more of her coffee.A lot more.“Well then,” she said, “what would help you figure that out?”

“Why?”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to leave?” Nikandros interrupted.

“Nik, for god’s sake…”

“What?This is really weird.I’m super uncomfortable.”

“Text Jord or something.”

“That’s actually a good idea.Brilliant.”Nikandros flashed Damen a grin and dug his phone out of his pocket, immediately tapping away.

In that time, Jokaste had started spinning one of her many rings around her finger.“Did you buy one of these for me?” she asked.

“What?”

“A ring.”

“Answer my question, Jokaste.”

“That’s what I’m doing,” she said, still twirling her ring, one with a simple red stone in the center.It caught the light from the window and Damen was entranced.That was how being around Jokaste felt right now.She was a flashy trick of light, but an addicting one, nonetheless.

Running a hand over his face, Damen said, “No.I didn’t.And I wouldn’t have bought one, anyway.My mom has my grandmother’s engagement ring.That’s what I would’ve used.”

“Were you thinking about giving it to me?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“No, I suppose you wouldn’t,” Jokaste said.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Running a slender finger around the lid of her cup, she stared out of the window and pondered that.Damen suspected she already knew the answer and was just leaving him hanging.Why she was trying to make him uncomfortable, though, was beyond him.Maybe it was payback for the whole being in love with Laurent thing.

“Jokaste, don’t make me hurt you,” Nikandros said.“Answer the goddamn question in the next century.”

“Good mediating skills,” Damen said.

“Thank you.”

“You brought Nik to be a mediator?” Jokaste said, looking as though she was about to laugh.Part of Damen desperately wanted her to—he missed the sound—and another part of him grew more irritated.When he glared at her, her smiled disappeared.“I fucked your brother because I wanted out of the relationship.”

“What the fuck did you just say?” Nikandros asked.

“Why the hell did you not just break up with me, then, like a normal person?”

“I didn’t know I was going to…”Jokaste huffed and turned her gaze back to Damen.Her eyes were serious as she said, “I didn’t know I wanted out until I was getting drunk on my couch with Kastor.”

“Why were you getting drunk with Kastor?”

“Because I’d had a long day of realizations and it demanded some relief through alcohol.As for Kastor, he was over helping me move furniture while you were at work, since he is generally useless and doesn’t have a steady job.When I asked him to stay for a drink, he did.”

“What realizations?” Damen asked, already getting tired of pulling the story out of her, piece by goddamn piece.

“Do you remember that morning, Damen?”

“Yeah.I guess.I was over at Laurent’s, helping him with…”

“Yes.What exactly were you helping him with?”

Searching his brain, Damen tried to come up with an answer, but he couldn’t.He didn’t remember.Not at all.“I don’t know,” he whispered, sensing that that was exactly the answer Jokaste had expected.

“You were supposed to come over to my place that morning for breakfast.And you, of course, called and apologized and told me where you were going and what you were doing and it wasn’t until I was moving furniture with Kastor that I realized what it meant.”

“Can you stop being so goddamn cryptic?”

“You don’t even remember, Damen.How important could whatever you were doing with Laurent have been when you don’t even remember what it was?It wasn’t all that long ago.

“My future just opened up before me.That’s the only way I can describe it.  I could see you proposing to me, I could see myself accepting, I could see me pregnant, I could…I could see us being happy and it didn’t terrify me, not like it has with anyone else I’ve ever been with.But I saw something else, too.I needed you to take our children to soccer practice and Laurent needed you to watch Nicaise.I wanted to celebrate our anniversary and Laurent was feeling down and he needed someone to sit up with him.Do you know what you did in each scenario I imagined?”

“I picked Laurent,” Damen said, not even pausing to think about it.

“Yes.You did.When I first started dating you, I knew Laurent would always be there, lingering on the edges and it didn’t disturb me.What I didn’t realize is that lingering was far from the best description for what he would be doing.I loved you.Completely.And I know you loved me, Damen.I do know that.But it was only the fraction of the love you had to give, because the rest of it was with Laurent.

“And I realize what I did was wrong,” she said, pausing to take another sip of coffee.“I do.I got drunk, I was upset, unsure what I was going to do, unsure I even wanted out of that future, because I would still have some of you, and then Kastor made a move on me and I let him.And, well…you remember the rest.”

When she finished, Damen realized he felt like complete shit.She’d managed to turn the tables on him so completely that he couldn’t think of a single thing to say.He just sat there, stupefied.

Her hand crossed the table and held his.“I am sorry for making my statement—or whatever you’d like to call it—with Kastor.I never should’ve done it with your brother.Have you even heard from him?”

“No,” Damen whispered.“He hasn’t tried to contact me and I want an apology.”

“I’ll talk to him.”

“Don’t bother.”

“Are you alright?” she asked.

“I’m sorry,” he said hollowly, still not quite believing that he was offering an apology.“I’m sorry that I didn’t realize that…”

“It would be hard,” she said.“The two of you have grown up together, been through unimaginable things, and I imagine noticing differences in the vastness of what you two have would be…near impossible, like identifying one star out of billions.I didn’t even notice for a very long time and I usually notice something like that right away.You have so much love to give, Damen, that even part of what you could offer was more than I’d ever been offered before.I can’t even imagine what Laurent is going to have.But he deserves it.The both of you do.”

Laughing weakly, Damen said, “Can’t you say something awful and bitchy so I feel better?”

“Fuck you, Damen.Fuck you for making me fall in love with you.”

“That didn’t help.”

“I didn’t think it would,” she said, smiling softly.“I am grateful you realized how you felt about him, though.It made this much easier.I was terrified I was going to have to explain you were in love with Laurent.I’m not sure how that would’ve gone.”

“Not well.”

“Alright,” Nikandros said, standing.“We’re leaving.He’s beating himself up enough.Apologize to Damen one more time, because I don’t give a fuck why you slept with his brother, you still slept with his motherfucking brother, and then we’re out of here.”

“It’s fine, Nik.I don’t…”

“Dude, you need to trust me.You are going to make yourself miserable over this and you shouldn’t be miserable because it’s not your goddamn fault.She made what could’ve been an amicable break up absolute hell.”

Nodding at Nikandros, Jokaste said, “I’m sorry, Damen.And I will talk to Kastor, whether you want me to or not.You shouldn’t lose your brother over this.”

“Okay,” Damen said.

They all said their goodbyes, slightly stifled, and then Nikandros dragged him out of the Starbucks and to the car, Damen immediately handing over his keys.There was quite a lot happening in his brain right now and if he drove, it wasn’t outside the realm of possibility that they would crash.“Do you want to go home?” Nikandros asked him.

“No.Work is fine.”

“You look like you’re five seconds from throwing up.”

“I kind of feel like I might.”

“It’s not your fault,” Nikandros said firmly.“Any of it.Emotions are stupid and complicated and you’ve known Laurent most of your life.Are you listening to me?It’s not your fault.”

“I led her on.  For a year.”

“No.If you’d known you were in love with Laurent, then yeah, you would’ve.But you didn’t.”

“What do I do?” Damen asked.

“About Laurent?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know,” Nikandros sighed.“Wait until your less fucked up, probably.Though I can’t imagine anything super horrible would happen if you didn’t.”Then, after a long pause, he said, “You tell him the truth.All of it.And you let him decide.”

“Alright.”

“Awesome.Let’s be done talking about feelings.Still want me to drive?”

“Yeah.”

Starting the car, Nikandros backed out of the parking lot, and drove to his building.He got out, handed the keys to Damen, hugged him, and then went back to work.It took a few minutes for Damen to gather himself, but then he did the same, spending the rest of the day mildly distracted and very glad Ernie, someone capable, was working with him.

 

When he got home, he realized he’d forgotten about dinner completely.Groaning, he pitched face forward onto the couch and didn’t move, not until there was incessant poking against his side.Rolling his head to the side, he saw Nicaise and Jord standing there.“I thought maybe you were dead,” Nicaise said.

“Kind of wish I was.”

“Really?”

“No.Not really.”Patting around all of the pockets in his uniform, he found his wallet and dug out eighty bucks.“Thanks, Jord.”

“Sure,” Jord said.He left to gather his things, but just when Nicaise was about to speak, he came back.“Damen?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to ask Nik out.I just thought you should know.”

“Take him to the Mexican place on Tyler.He loves it there.”

“I will,” Jord smiled, waving.A few seconds later the door slammed shut.

“Why do you look so miserable?” Nicaise asked.

“I forgot to go to the store and now we have nothing for dinner.Laurent’s going to kill me.”

Nodding solemnly, Nicaise said, “That’s true.There might be time to…”

The front door opened.The sounds of Laurent and Jord talking filtered into the room and Nicaise patted Damen on the shoulder, grimacing sympathetically.When the conversation tapered off and the door closed, Nicaise whispered, “I’m going to go color in my room.”

“You do that, kid.I’ll tell you when we have food of some kind.”

“Is it helpful to mention how hungry I am?”

“Not at all.”

Nicaise nodded and ran off.As his footsteps faded, Laurent’s grew louder until Damen knew he was standing in the entrance to the living room.A hand landed on the heel of his foot and Laurent murmured, “Flip over.”

Doing as he was told, Damen watched as Laurent padded over and lifted his head, sitting in it’s place.Gently nestling Damen’s head on his lap, he stroked his hair, and said, “You look positively wretched.Work?”

“No.I had coffee with Jokaste at lunch.”

“Oh,” Laurent said.“I didn’t know you were doing that.”

“Yeah.Sorry.”

“It’s perfectly alright.You don’t have to tell me a thing you don’t want to.”

Finding Laurent’s eyes, Damen said, “Don’t do that.”

“What exactly?”

“Get all icy and pretend nothing matters.”

“How was coffee with Jokaste, Damen?” Laurent asked, not bothering to disguise a thing this time.There was a hint of betrayal and anger in the set of his mouth.Closing his eyes, Damen regretted not talking about all of this earlier.

Sitting up and rubbing his face, he said, “We need to talk about what’s going on between us.”

“Fine,” Laurent said.“But not now.It wouldn’t…it would not go pleasantly right now.I suppose you didn’t get the necessary ingredients for dinner?”

“No,” Damen said miserably.

“I’ll go shopping, then.”

“No.Don’t.I’ll go.”

Softening slightly, Laurent shook his head.“Go make yourself a cup of something.Watch an episode of _The Office_.I’ll be back.”

“I’ll help you cook.”

“No.I’ll be fine.”

“But…”

“Damen,” Laurent said, voice firm.“You know me well.Stop pretending to be dense.Please.”

Without even having to think about it, Damen realized Laurent wanted to be alone, wanted an opportunity to collect his thoughts and organize his emotions.Nodding, Damen whispered, “I’m so sorry for being the worst housemate ever.”

“Apology accepted.”Then Laurent swept from the room.

 

By the time dinner was ready, Damen had watched four episodes of _The Office_ and had called Nikandros two times.For one of the conversations, he’d sought comfort and for the other, he’d gone in for a similar thing, but Nikandros had ended up talking about Jord asking him out for the entirety of it, which, surprisingly, worked wonders for Damen’s mood.It was undeniable the effect his friends being happy had on him.

Dinner itself was a quiet affair.Usually, they all engaged in conversation equally, all having things to add, but tonight, Nicaise carried them, spending nearly the entire dinner talking about all of his plans for his summer vacation, most of which also involved Damen and Laurent.They were wild and varied and hilarious and Damen knew it was settling Laurent's mood.

When they were all finished, Damen collected all the dishes and washed them off before sticking them in the dishwasher.Glancing over at Laurent and Nicaise, he saw the two of them, heads bent together and murmuring, just like always.What was different, however, was the concern on Nicaise’s face and the weariness on Laurent’s.

Damen shut the water off and hung his head, blinking tiredly.He was so goddamn exhausted.Emotionally heavy days were just as difficult as physically taxing days.There was a tug on his shirt and Damen looked down to see Nicaise.“Now it seems like you two are fighting,” he said.

“I don’t know what’s going on, kid.”

“Fix it.”

“Yeah, I will.You know I will.”

“Good, because I like having you here and if you have to move because you do something stupid, I’ll kill you.”

Nodding, Damen watched Nicaise skip off before murmuring, “Pleasant,” to himself.

“You wanted to talk,” Laurent said from the table.

Damen nodded, trudging over and spilling into the chair beside Laurent.“Yeah, I did.Can you do it or should we save it for another time?”

Resting his head on his hand, Laurent whispered, “I don’t know.Why don’t you explain coffee with Jokaste first and then I’ll tell you?”

“I wasn’t…I wanted some closure.That’s all.It wasn’t an attempt to reconcile with her or…you have to know I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“It’s not like we acknowledged anything.Technically, I couldn’t blame you for…”Laurent stopped, clearly uninterested in finishing the thought.He was one word away from a stony face and polite versions of ‘fuck off’.

“I wouldn’t lead you on.Not ever.That is, apparently, what I did to Jokaste, however.”

Laurent frowned.“You dated her for a year, Damen.I don’t think that’s qualified as leading someone on.”

“The morning we broke up, I was with you.I’d canceled breakfast with her to help you with something and I don’t…what was I helping you with?”

“I don’t know.”

“I didn’t either.I didn’t know what I’d canceled breakfast with my girlfriend for.She said…she said she imagined our future and what it would be like and realized that I would always pick you over her.And she’s not wrong, Laurent.If you were both in the hospital, I wouldn’t hesitate to go to you.If you were desperate to go on a fucking hike and no one would go with you, I’d drop everything, including her.”

“What is your point, Damen?” Laurent said.

“She said only a part of me loved her and that the rest loved you.”

Their gazes locked and Damen couldn’t get enough air, no matter how often he took a breath.Everything in him ached to touch Laurent, to reassure him, but there was something hard and implacable in his eyes and Damen was sure that was the wrong move.“What else did she say?” Laurent asked.

“That that was why she fucked Kastor.I was in love with you, she loved me, and she got upset about it.Kastor was over moving her furniture, they got drunk, and she made an awful decision.If I’d just realized that…we wouldn’t be here.We’d be so far from here, that…”

Sighing, Laurent said, “Anything else?”

“Not really.”

“And what do you say?”

“That I do love you.I’m so in love with you, Laurent, and I think I have been for most of my life.”

Laurent nodded.Swiping his thumb on the skin between Damen’s eyebrows, he said, “Stop fretting, would you?Considering our abundance of flirting over the past week, you have to know that I feel the same.”

“There’s a ‘but’ there.”

Laurent smiled sadly.“ _But_ …I know you.You feel guilty right now.You’re absolutely miserable about what you put Jokaste through—though I promise you, you shouldn’t—and I don’t want to…I want to know from day one that you are all in, because it’s you and me and it has to be…”

“Forever,” Damen supplied.“It has to be the rest of our lives.”

“Ideally.Besides that, there’s Nicaise to consider and I want him to have a stable life with stable presences.And, most importantly, I think you know how little experience I have with this sort of relationship and I don’t want to spend any of my time worrying that a part of you still loves Jokaste.And I think a part of you does.I know what she told you appealed to your sympathy and I understand and I am willing to wait until I can ask you the question, ‘do you feel guilty?’ and you can respond, ‘no’.”Brushing a curl off of Damen’s forehead, Laurent smiled.“I don’t think I’ll be waiting long.”

“Seems…sensible.”

“Does it?” Laurent murmured.“That’s good.”

“Forever, huh?” Damen asked, voice lightly teasing.

“Oh, Damen,” Laurent said, standing and heading to the cabinet for a glass, “you weren’t ever getting rid of me, no matter what.It was already forever.Now, would you like to watch something?I do believe we meant to finish _Game of Thrones_ , even though I’m quite opposed to ninety percent of, well, everything.”

“Sure.I could watch some people kill some other people.”

“Good.”

“Do we get to cuddle?”

Laurent laughed.“God,” he said, “this is perhaps the most bizarre situation I’ve ever been in.”

“I know how you feel.”

“Standard cuddling, I think, will be fine.It’s not like we normally keep our hands off each other, anyway.”

Laughing, Damen stood and sidled up next to Laurent.“No.We don’t.”

“I suspect we’ll get quite good at flirting.”

“I don’t know who you’re suggesting is bad at flirting, but it isn’t me.”

Laurent smirked and filled his glass with water from the fridge.As he took a sip, he mellowed, staring straight into Damen’s eyes.“I didn’t tell you, not the way you told me and I feel as though I should.”Taking a deep breath, Laurent said, “I’m very much in love with you, Damen, and I think I have been for a long time.”

“How were we supposed to tell?”

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t know, either,” Damen said, following Laurent as he headed out of the kitchen and into the living room.


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got so long. And I don't even know how it happened. That's why I'm a little later than usual...it just didn't want to fucking stop  
> Anyway, thank you all so much for everything. You're wonderful and precious and important to me  
> Thank you to Mari, as usual. The best beta around  
> Enjoy! <3

When lunchtime rolled around, Damen went to search for Auguste.He’d yet to discover where he and Kate disappeared to every day, but he hadn’t seriously searched every corner of the school, and today he was going to.Because Laurent wasn’t at school and he wasn’t texting Damen back.

He started in the back, peeking into the art and music rooms, remembering when Auguste had mentioned Kate loved to sketch.They weren’t there—they weren’t supposed to be so it didn’t really come as a surprise, but they were really only supposed to eat in the cafeteria in the first place and while Auguste wasn’t one to break rules, he was never in the cafeteria. Too crowded, apparently.

Searching the halls mindlessly, it occurred to Damen as the lunch hour wound down that they were allowed to be outside.It couldn’t be pleasant during the winter, but if they found an overhang, somewhere to avoid the rain, then…

Exiting the front doors of the school, the closest exit, Damen skipped down the steps, eyes immediately catching on the separate building housing the swimming pool.There was a cover over the sidewalk there and a wall to lean against.If he had to sit outside, that’s where he would go.

Ignoring the rain that was splattering against his head, Damen hurried over, spotting the golden blonde of Auguste’s hair and the soft brown of Kate’s and he let out a sigh of relief. 

When Auguste saw Damen, something in his face fell.It hurt, Damen briefly wondering if it had something to do with him, but then Auguste patted the ground beside him and all his fears fled.That look had been about Laurent.It wasn’t better, necessarily, but it did mean Auguste wasn’t mad at him. 

Smiling at Kate in greeting, who smiled back, Damen said, “Where is he?”

“Home,” Auguste said.“I don’t know what’s going on.I was going to come find you after school and ask you, but if you don’t know…”

“I don’t know.”

Auguste nodded.In a quiet voice, he said, “He hasn’t talked to me in weeks, Damen.Not really.He hardly ever leaves his room and when he does, he doesn’t look good.”

“Is he sick?”

“I don’t know.I don’t know anything.”Damen noticed that Kate was now holding Auguste’s hand, stroking the back of it with her thumb.In that gesture alone, Damen knew the two of them had discussed this before.Auguste was beyond worried.Something serious was going on and Laurent wasn’t talking to anyone about it.

“What do we do?” Damen asked.

“We can’t help him if he doesn’t talk to us.”

“Should I try and talk to him?”

“Yeah,” Auguste said.“I don’t know what I’ll do if he won’t talk to you, but you’re the best idea I’ve got right now.He’s still been talking to you, right?”

Damen nodded.“Sort of.He hasn’t been texting me back today, though.”

Though it was obvious from the expression on her face that Kate wasn’t sure she had a right to enter the conversation, she said, “Maybe you should wait him out.From what I’ve heard and seen, he doesn’t appreciate people poking their noses into his business.Maybe you should trust him to ask for help when he needs it?”

“That’s a good plan b,” Auguste said.“Our only plan b.”

“He’ll talk to me,” Damen said determinedly.

Auguste smiled sadly.“I wouldn’t be so sure.Whatever’s going on, it’s…it’s not good.”

“He has to.I’m supposed to take care of him.”

“We both are.”

“I’m going to go now,” Damen decided, standing.

“What about school?”

“There’s school and then there’s Laurent,” Damen said.“One of them is infinitely more important.My parents’ll forgive me once I tell them why I left.Don’t worry about it.Plus, Nik is in my last two classes with me.I can get notes from him.”

“From Nik?”

Damen laughed weakly, too worried about Laurent to manage something better.“It’s not like I really take notes, either.I can’t blame him.I’ll text you after I’ve talked to him.”

“Okay.Thank you.”

“Course.”

 

When he knocked on the door—unable to help thinking of Aleron and Hennike, who would’ve insisted he simply walk in and make himself at home—Laurent’s uncle opened the door, smiling politely, but with little interest.“Damen,” he said.“Why aren’t you at school?”

“I want to talk to Laurent.”

“I’m afraid he’s asleep right now.”

“That’s fine.I’ll wake him up.”

“Surely…”

“Listen,” Damen said, cutting him off, “he’s my best friend.I know what he can and can’t tolerate and I know he can handle being woken up by me.Please, sir, just let me in.I won’t stay long.”

“Very well,” Laurent’s uncle said, opening the door wider and letting Damen slip by.Squeezing himself through as far away from Laurent’s uncle as he could manage, Damen didn’t spare a glance back as he hurtled up the stairs, stopping when he found Laurent’s bedroom door shut.

Rapping on it gently, Damen said, “Laurent?It’s me.Can I come in?”

There was a long silence and then Laurent said, “Yes.”Something was off about his voice, but Damen couldn’t pinpoint what, so he shoved the detail into the back of his mind.

Walking in, he found Laurent curled up in bed, sheets up to his neck.Kneeling down on the floor, Damen touched the side of his face, immediately retracting his hand when Laurent flinched violently, as though Damen had never touched him like that before, which was far from true.“Hey,” Damen whispered.“What’s going on?Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“What do you know?”

“Alright, there’s no need to be an asshole,” Damen said, getting more comfortable on the floor, figuring he’d be here longer than he’d originally thought.This was behavior Damen recognized.It had just been a very long time since Laurent had done it to him.

“Sorry,” Laurent mumbled.

“It’s okay.If you’re not going to tell me what’s going on, could you at least tell Auguste?He’s really worried about you.”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“You’re missing school.You love school.”

“It’s just sophomore year.Nothing happens, anyway.”

“That’s not reassuring me, you know,” Damen said.“Please, Laurent.I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

“What will it take to drive it through your thick skull?Nothing is wrong.I’m fine.Just sick.And I sure as hell don’t need your help.”

“Oh,” Damen said, taken aback.“Alright.I guess we could just…”

“Just go home.”

Sighing, Damen searched for Laurent’s gaze until he caught it.“Telling me to go home is only making me more scared.Even when you’re hurting, you never tell me to leave.You let me distract you for awhile.”

“First time for everything.”

“What the hell, Laurent?”

“I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

“Fine,” Damen said, trying not to sound angry.It wouldn’t help the situation and while Laurent was being distinctly awful, Auguste was probably right that whatever had Laurent like this was serious.The last thing Damen wanted to do was make it worse.“Promise me, though.Promise me that you’ll tell me when you’re ready.Promise you’ll let me help.”

“Sure.”

“I love you.”

“Weren’t you leaving?”

“Yeah,” Damen sighed.“I was.See you soon.”

Laurent didn’t reply and Damen left the house, feeling tired and sore and hurt.Not bothering to return to school, not after that, he walked home, explained what he could to his parents, and then went upstairs, flopping down on his bed and texting Auguste.

_D: He won’t talk to me, either_

_A: Fuck_

_D: Yeah.It’s bad.And I think it has to have something to do with your uncle.I’ve never liked him_

_A: I know_

_A: I’ll try and get Laurent out of the house.Maybe that will help_

_A: All we can do is wait, though_

_D: I hate it_

_A: So do I_

 

Time slipped by and Laurent was a notable absence in Damen’s life.Damen knew he was at school, but he didn’t come to sit with Damen at lunch any longer and he didn’t text Damen back and whenever he did run into Damen—usually when Damen was at the house, hanging out with Auguste and trying to sneak in glimpses of Laurent—he only spoke of his classes.His eyes were dead, lifeless, and the only time they showed any sort of emotion was when he asked how Damen was.Then, they were filled with a mix of pain, longing, and interest.That was the only thing Damen had to go on, the only thing keeping Damen together.It was proof that Laurent still cared, but that something was holding him back from showing it.

Auguste wasn’t getting better treatment.He spent more time at home than usual, just in case Laurent gave up his silence, but he didn’t have any such luck.

Once summer was over, though, Auguste left for college—a small, private school in northern Washington where Kate was also going—and suddenly, Damen only saw Laurent at soccer practices and in the occasional hallway.He spent most of that time just staring at his best friend—what had been his best friend—and complaining to Nikandros, who told him over and over again to forget about Laurent.“There’s only so much you can do for a person,” he’d said.“And if Laurent doesn’t want to talk to you, there’s nothing you can do about it except move on.”

Damen couldn’t, though.They’d fallen apart so slowly, so anti-climatically, that Damen couldn’t quite believe it was over.Besides, all he could see was the want and need in Laurent’s eyes when he inevitably checked in on Damen—a question Damen started answering with a lie, because he couldn’t find it in himself to tell Laurent the truth when Laurent was so obviously doing the opposite. 

Then there was Hennike’s voice in his head, telling him to stick with her son no matter what.He couldn’t ignore that, either.He couldn’t ignore all they’d been through.He couldn’t ignore what it must be like for Laurent to be without his best friend and his brother, all alone in that house with his uncle.It was self-inflicted, but Damen found sympathy for him, anyway.Of course he did.Most of the time, he felt guilty for doing so little so late.But, he was a teenager, clueless and unsure.He’d been dealing with surprising crushes on boys and girls, Kastor coming home from college and crashing at his parent’s with no inclination of getting a job, the general complications of puberty, and it was…a lot.He’d had no idea what to do about Laurent distancing himself.He still didn’t.Everyday he came up with a new plan of action, he was sure it wasn’t enough.

It all changed the day of their last soccer game of the season, the state championships.Their team had made it against all odds, in large part thanks to both Damen and Laurent, who still managed to work as a seamless team despite their inability to talk to each other.As an outside midfielder, Laurent would dribble up the field, find an opening, and volley the ball into the middle, right towards Damen.He never aimed for anyone else, even though Damen was not the only forward.

They all got to leave class early and when the announcement came over the speaker, saying that all varsity soccer players should be dismissed, Damen was greeted with cheers and slaps on the back as he left the classroom.

The halls were empty and quiet, most everyone in class, and so it wasn’t really a surprise when Damen spotted Laurent at the bottom of the stairs he was at the top of, heading towards a bathroom to change.Feeling something clutch his heart and squeeze it hard, painfully, Damen swallowed and watched as Laurent got further and further away, wondering why his feet wouldn’t move, wouldn’t chase after him.  Probably because they were tired.  They had been chasing for almost two years now.

Trudging down the stairs slowly, head down, Damen decided he would head to the gym locker rooms.That’s where most of the team would be, anyway.

Looking up, he saw that Laurent had paused in front of a series of art pieces from students.Stopping himself, Damen stood and watched, debating.Their conversations these days always went the same way, were always fruitless and frustrating, but Damen held out hope that someday that would change.Maybe today would be the day.  Maybe his relentless optimism would finally pay off.

Picking up his bag, Laurent looked around him and saw Damen.Their eyes locked and Damen felt the urge to break down and cry.It wasn’t unusual.Back when this oppressive silence had begun, all he’d done was cry. 

Damen didn’t know how long they stared at each other, but when Nikandros bounded down the stairs, throwing an arm around Damen’s shoulder and asking if he was excited, the moment broke and Laurent started to move away.When Nikandros followed Damen’s eyes, he sighed and dragged Damen towards the locker rooms by the hand. 

 

On the bus to the game, Damen sat beside Nikandros, but didn’t listen to a single word he was saying.Laurent was at the front of the bus, alone, headphones in his ears, and he looked sad.It was probable he didn’t think anyone was watching him.It occurred to Damen that Laurent hadn’t once looked happy in almost two years and that was wrong.So wrong that Damen knocked his thigh against Nikandros’ and said, “Move, would you?”

“Dude, don’t do it.”

“Nik.Move.”

“He’s not going to…”

“And I don’t care,” Damen said.“I’m so fucking tired of pretending I’m okay with this.I’m so fucking tired of pretending he is.”

“Maybe he is.”

“There’s no way, Nik.Trust me.”

Sighing, Nikandros swiveled so that Damen had space to squeeze through to the aisle of the bus.Ignoring the calls of his coach to sit down, Damen wound his way around bags and feet to the front, hitting Laurent in the arm with his knee.Pulling out one of his earphones, Laurent stared up at him in surprise, which quickly transformed into disinterest.“What?” he asked.

“Move over.I’m sitting with you.”

“You have a seat back there.”

“I don’t want it.Nik and I are fighting.”

“No we aren’t!” Nikandros called.

“Dude, shut up,” Damen yelled back.

“Sounds like you do.”

“Laurent, move.Move before I make you move.”

“I’d rather not,” Laurent said, putting his headphone back in his ear.It was obvious he didn’t think Damen would do anything.In most cases, it would be true that he wouldn’t, but Laurent was underestimating just how hurt Damen was, just how much he missed Laurent, just how much he wanted him back, and just how much he was tired of his shit.Sitting down on the edge of the seat, Damen scooted, shoving Laurent to the side with each one.There were flames in Laurent’s eyes, but he didn’t say a word, relenting and staring out the window.

Carefully, Damen pried one headphone from Laurent’s ear, trying not to feel like it was a suicidal move.“Good lord, Damen, is there something you want?”

“Just to talk.”

“About what?”

“I don’t know,” Damen shrugged.“Anything.Excited for the game today?”

“I suppose,” Laurent replied, watching him warily.

“I’m really excited.I think we’re going to win.”

“I’d hope so.If you don’t think we will, we won’t.”

That was the most Laurent had said to him in months.Smiling, Damen fell back into the seat and said, “If I tell you something, will you listen?”

“What could you possibly have to say to me?”

“A lot, actually.What do you say?”

Laurent flicked his gaze to Damen and there was that sadness and longing.It was so deeply felt that Damen was almost afraid.In a quiet voice, he said, “Maybe later.I’d prefer to be in a good headspace for the game, thank you.”

“Maybe it’s only nice things.”

“I highly doubt that.”

Damen shrugged.“Mind if I still sit with you?”

“Do whatever you want.” 

It was so uncomfortable and tense, but Damen didn’t move and Laurent didn’t ask him to.They were both stubborn like that, even when it caused them pain.The ride from that point forward was long and Damen’s heart was racing, as though he were already on the field, chasing after the ball.He kept sneaking glances at Laurent, but Laurent’s gaze stayed firmly out the window.They were so far apart and it was the worst thing in the world.

When they arrived at the field, they all piled out of the bus, Laurent immediately wandering off by himself to jog and stretch.Damen stayed with the team, warming up with them and watching their opponents doing the same, pointing and chatting with Nikandros about who looked most dangerous.They’d only played this team once in the season and it had been a very close match.Damen expected it would be the same today, especially since lots of students were here to watch, which was not typical.

The referee blew a whistle, shouting for them to get ready, and Damen ran up to the middle of the field, Raquel, the other forward, beside him.They smiled at each other, exchanged a high five, and then stared at the two forwards opposite of them, waiting for the whistle and the moment they kicked the ball off.

When it blew, Damen’s adrenaline spiked and he went after the ball, veering off when it was passed.Much of his time was spent watching the defense keep the ball away from the goal, but when the ball got anywhere close to midfield, he was off.

It was a rough and brutal game.There were multiple fouls and by the time it was halftime, Damen had been tripped twice, a green stain up the side of his shorts, and a couple of bruises forming.They were tied one to one and their coach spent half-time boosting their morale.It wasn’t his strong suit—he preferred to tear people down until he could mold them to his will—but, thankfully, Nikandros and a few others picked up the slack.Damen was pumped by the time they were back on the field and he looked over at Laurent, who was on the wings, waiting, ready to run.He waited until Laurent’s eyes met his and then he grinned.Carefully, Laurent smiled back.With that, Damen felt like he could do anything.God, how he’d missed Laurent’s smile, genuine and fierce. 

Soon, there were only two minutes left in the game and they were still tied.Their coach was now irritable, yelling as he typically did, and the game had only gotten more violent.Nikandros, in fact, had gotten into two squabbles, pushing and yelling at someone who’d talked shit to him. 

Currently, their defense was being tested.The defenders and midfielders were all back there, running around, blocking the ball as best they could.Then, heart-stoppingly, someone shot at the goal.It was heading straight for a hole in the defense and Damen knew they were going to lose, when Nikandros appeared out of nowhere and headed the ball away.Whether he meant it to or not, it landed right at Laurent’s feet, who was dribbling up the field in seconds, as though he hadn’t been surprised at all that it had ended up with him.

Then Laurent looked up and caught Damen’s eye and Damen knew exactly what he was going to do.

Taking off up the field, outstripping two of the defenders circling him, shoving them out of the way with a carefully disguised elbow, Damen landed into the penalty box the second Laurent kicked the ball and sent it flying over the heads of the defenders.Watching it, Damen knew this was it.If he didn’t make this, they would tie, there would be overtime, and who knew what would happen.This was the best opportunity they’d had this entire half.He wasn’t going to screw it up.

There were boys shoving at him, trying to get him out of the way, and Damen grinned, knowing his physicality and his weekends and weeknights spent at the gym because Laurent was gone were about to pay off. 

The ball was flying straight for his head.Angling his body, Damen caught it with his forehead, flicking his neck, hoping the ball would listen to his silent command and fly to the corner of the goal.

It did.The keeper had no chance of blocking it. 

They’d won.

His teammates flooded him, but Damen hardly noticed, because he was looking at Laurent, who was looking happy, but distinctly unsure.Shoving everyone off, Damen told everyone there were still thirty seconds left in the game and they had to keep playing.They all obliged, running back to their side, and allowing the team to kick off, pass a couple of times, before the referee blew the whistle.Before his teammates could circle him again, Damen ran straight for Laurent, ignoring the surprise and the reluctance in his face and swept him up into a hug, lifting him off his feet.

Laughing into Laurent’s ear, Damen whispered, “We beat those bastards.You and me.”

Laurent didn’t say anything in return, but he wrapped his arms around Damen’s neck and that was enough.

When Damen let him go, their eyes met and there was so much there, so much to see, that Damen could’ve looked for hours, but there were things to do.They didn’t have time right now.They had to shake their opponent’s hands, receive their trophy and their medals, clean up, greet family and friends, then drive home.After that, there would be a party, but Damen suspected he wasn’t going to go.He hoped he wasn’t going to go.

 

“Dude, I couldn’t fucking believe that header,” Nikandros said, slapping him on the back again.“That was insane.I swear to god, I could never have done that.”

“Says the guy who blocked the goal with his head,” Damen replied, smiling.

They were getting off the bus, about to head home and clean up for the party, and Damen didn’t even bother disguising that he was keeping an eye out for Laurent so he could corner him and beg his attention.Nikandros, for once, didn’t notice, because he was too high from the win.

“Good point,” Nikandros said.“I saved the goddamn day, didn’t I?”

Laurent appeared, looking as though he was going to walk home, heading off towards the sidewalk, not even looking for a car.“You sure did,” Damen said absently.“I’m going to, uh, go.I’ll see you later.”

“You coming to the party?”

“Probably not.”

“Dude, we just won state.What the hell?”

“It’s Laurent,” Damen said.“I think I can fix it with Laurent.”

“Oh,” Nikandros said.“He did hug you back, didn’t he?”

“He did.”

“You’re crazy, but I hope it works, man.I really do.  You haven't been the same for a long time.”

Slapping Nikandros on the shoulder, Damen grabbed his bag, slung it over his shoulder, and then chased after Laurent, calling his name.Laurent stopped walking.He didn’t turn around but he waited.Coming up beside him, Damen said, “Mind if I walk home with you?”

“Isn’t there a party?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not going,” Laurent said quietly.

“I’m not, either.I don’t think.”Then he turned and looked at Laurent.“Am I?”

Looking down at his feet, Laurent whispered, “Why do you want to talk to me?After…why now?”

“Because I realized what I’ve been doing wrong all this time.I thought if I left you alone, that you’d come to me or you’d…I don’t know.I just thought leaving you alone was the best idea, because you’re you and being alone is often exactly what you need, but I left it too long because I was scared.All I needed to do was stay by your side and irritate the hell out of you until you talked.”

“That’s not what I’m asking,” Laurent said.

“Because, you idiot, I’m your best friend.You’re mine.That hasn’t changed and it never will, even if you refuse to talk to me for a long-ass time.”

Laurent nodded and started down the sidewalk, slow enough that Damen could match his pace in seconds.The walk home was silent.  Damen could feel the waves of tension and guilt coming off Laurent, and only when they were standing in front of their houses, did Laurent speak, “I can’t talk here.I just…can’t.But I don’t…”

“Having trouble with sentences?”

“I don’t know what to say to you,” Laurent murmured.“I don’t know what I can say to you or what you’ll allow or what…I’m, uh…fuck.”

“Alright,” Damen said, not pretending to understand most of that.“I’m going to go change into something less sweaty and then I’ll meet you right here.Say in ten minutes?”

“Okay.”

They split ways.Damen’s parents were home and they greeted him with huge hugs and celebratory cheers.He felt bad for shrugging them off, but when he told them Laurent was waiting for him, their smiles got wider and they let him go.

When he was back out onto the street, he only had to wait a few minutes, before Laurent exited his own house, wearing jeans and a flannel.It was chilly, a late fall day, and Damen wondered why he hadn’t grabbed a jacket. 

“Where do you want to go?” Laurent said, keeping his eyes averted.

“How about the skate park?”

Surprisingly, Laurent smiled shyly.“I’d like that.” 

 

10 Years Later

 

“Why do you have flowers?” Nicaise asked, eyeing the bouquet suspiciously from the couch.Damen hadn’t really counted on him being that close to the front door, but he managed to recover in time.They were technically from the garden, after all. 

“Laurent wanted me to pick some flowers for the kitchen,” Damen lied.He felt bad about lying, but they hadn’t told Nicaise yet, because there wasn’t anything to tell.Again, technically.His entire life felt like it was balanced on a foundation of technicalities right now. 

That answer bored Nicaise and he turned his attention back to the TV, an episode of _The Simpsons_ on. 

Heading towards the kitchen, Damen found Laurent cooking, a towel slung over his shoulder.There was French music playing from his phone and he was swaying lightly as he mixed a bubbling red sauce on the stove.When he heard Damen, he flung him a smile over his shoulder and said, “And how was work?”

“Alright.I’m so fucking glad it’s Friday.”

“Me too,” Laurent said.“I've needed a weekend.We should do something.”

“Okay.”Stepping up to Laurent’s side, leaning against the counter, Damen said, “I brought you something.”

“Flowers?From my own garden?If that’s an attempt to court me, I suggest forking over twenty dollars like every other poor sap who buys flowers for their…romantic interest.”

“It only occurred to me when I was almost home so I had to improvise.”

“We aren’t…dating, you realize.”The pauses were normal.Over the past week and a half, since their conversation at the dinner table, they’d struggled to find a way to maintain their distance, while still trying to define and understand what they were and what they would be.

Damen sighed.“Yeah, I know.I just wanted to do something nice for you and the flowers were pretty and whatever the fuck I’m feeling over Jokaste doesn’t change the fact that I’m really in love with you and that you deserve flowers.”

“You are hopeless,” Laurent said, dropping the wooden spoon and taking the flowers from Damen’s hands.He sniffed them and smiled.“It’s wonderful to know that I’m adequate at gardening.Why don’t you find a vase and put these in there?”

Taking the flowers back—feeling as though the gesture was wasted—he dug around in the cupboards for a vase, filled it halfway with water, then artlessly stuck the flowers in.When Laurent finished throwing minced garlic into the sauce, he looked back at them, and sighed.“That’s pathetic,” he drawled, rearranging them into something beautiful in less than five minutes.Damen must’ve been pouting, because Laurent rested a hand on his arm and said, “Thank you, Damen.For the flowers.They’re lovely.”

“That’s all I was looking for.”

“Of course.I’m sorry.I just find I rarely know what to do with the situation we find ourselves in.”

“Me neither.”

“It is worth mentioning, I think, that there’s absolutely no need to buy me flowers or a nice bottle of wine.None at all,” Laurent said.

“I know.But I want to buy you those things.”

Laurent smiled, something half shy, half fond, and he brushed his fingers over the top of Damen’s knuckles.Returning his attention to their future meal, Laurent said, “Why don’t you go entertain Nicaise?I’d prefer he doesn’t watch as much TV as he does.I’ll call the both of you when dinner is ready.”

“Okay.”

Leaving the kitchen, the scent of warm tomato sauce trailing after him, Damen plopped down onto the couch beside Nicaise and let his head fall to the side, staring at Nicaise.“What’s up, kid?”

“Laurent wants me to stop watching TV, doesn’t he?”

“Yep.”

“And you aren’t going to fight him for me.”

“Nope.”

Sighing, Nicaise pressed a button on the remote and the TV faded to black.“What am I supposed to do now?” he whined.

“You know what my dad always said?”

“I don’t care what he said.”

“He said that you can’t depend on other people to entertain you.You’ve got to do it yourself,” Damen said.

“Great.That doesn’t solve my problem.”

Laughing, Damen tugged him close and kissed him on the top of his head.“I don’t know.I’ve got no ideas.Is there anything you want to do?”

Nicaise considered that for a moment and then brightened.Leaping off the couch, Damen heard him as pounded up the stairs, probably to his bedroom.Hardly thirty seconds had passed when Nicaise returned, a bottle of bright purple nail polish in hand.Rising to his feet, Damen went into the kitchen, not disturbing Laurent however much he wanted to, and fetched some newspaper.He knew that if they got nail polish onto the rug, Laurent would skin them both alive.

Spreading out the newspaper, Damen sat on the floor and laid his hands down flat.Nicaise crawled over and unscrewed the cap of the polish, brushing it on without concern for drips or how much of it got onto Damen’s skin.It was a nice color, though, that went well with his skin.Watching amusedly as Nicaise stuck out his tongue while he painted the pinky nail, Damen was hit with the realization that this was his future.It felt like it was supposed to be an immense epiphany, but it was quiet and unassuming instead.In many ways, this had already been his future.There wasn’t any way in hell that Damen would’ve been far from either Laurent or Nicaise, no matter what had happened.Still…

“Hey, kid, you know I love you, right?”

Nicaise nodded.“Duh.”

“Good.Just making sure.”

“Did you love my dad?” Nicaise asked cautiously.He wasn’t one for caution, so Damen knew he’d asked about Auguste before and that Laurent hadn’t handled it well.Though Damen was aware that Nicaise shouldn’t be scared to ask about his own father, Damen also knew that it was something Laurent would’ve struggled with and thought about deeply.He probably felt terrible about it. 

“I did,” Damen said.“A lot.He was a good person.”

“And my mom?”

In all honesty, he’d hardly known Kate.She was the one thing Auguste had kept to himself, the one thing in his life that had been firmly _his_.And that had been important for him, since he gave most everything else away.Still, if Auguste had loved her, there was only one answer.“I didn’t know her well, to be honest.But she was just as good a person.They both loved you, kid.More than anything.God, I think Auguste spent over an hour gloating about how beautiful you were.”

“Do I look like him at all?”

Damen smiled.“Yeah.You do.Especially your eyes.”

Nicaise touched the corner of his eye and then grinned.“They’re like Laurent’s eyes,” he said.

“They are.”

“I’ve been thinking I should call him dad,” Nicaise said with consideration, as he painted Damen’s other hand.“Everyone I know gets to call someone dad and it sounds nice.I like it.And he’s kind of my dad, isn’t he?”

“I’d say so.”

“It would freak him out.”

Damen laughed.“Yeah, it would.He’d get used to it, though.”

“No, he wouldn’t.”

“I promise you, kid,you can call him whatever you want.He’d hang the goddamn moon for you.We both would.”

“Swear jar.”

Shaking his head, Damen sighed.Nicaise finished the last nail with a flourish and capped the bottle.He didn’t twist it closed, but there was only so much you could ask of a nine year old.“My wallet’s on the table by the door.Go take two dollars out of it.Put one in the swear jar.You can have the other.”

“Really?”

“Definitely.I’ve got to pay for this awesome manicure.”

Cheering, Nicaise hurried off and Damen blew on his fingernails, willing them to dry.It was likely he would fuck them up hopelessly within minutes, but he’d prefer not to.These nails were the fruit of Nicaise’s labor, after all.

Five minutes later, Laurent called him for dinner and he hurried to the kitchen, still blowing on his fingernails.

 

Scanning the bookshelves in his bedroom, Damen tried to find something to read before he was tired enough to sleep.It was a guarantee that Laurent loved almost every book housed here, considering he had multiple boxes of books up in the attic of the house, rarely seeing the light of day.It meant that these had gone through what was probably a severe vetting process.Still, there were so many and Damen didn’t read often enough to know what he was supposed to look for.

There was a soft knock on his door.Smiling down at his feet, Damen said, “Yes?” while looking at the cover of a fantasy book.

Laurent came in, yawning and falling back onto the bed.“Don’t read that.You won’t like it.”

“Okay,” Damen said, slipping it back into the shelf.He considered searching for another one, but Laurent was on his bed and there was no doubt that he was here for a reason.Crawling up the bed, Damen laid back beside him, close enough to touch, though he made sure not to.“Hi,” he whispered.

“Hi,” Laurent said.“So, I called Jord.”

“What for?”

“Tomorrow.A coworker was gifted tickets to a wine tasting event, but his fiancé left him—it’s been quite the buzz around the office—and so he gave me the tickets.I don’t know why, really, and I wasn’t going to use them, but then I thought…well, I knew you would like it.”

“I would,” Damen said.“But…”

“Yes, I know.It does sound like a date, I realize.However, are you trying to tell me you wouldn’t have gone with me if I’d asked back when…”

Bursting into laughter, amazed at just how many unfinished sentences they’d had, Damen said, “This is so fucking weird.It’s all fucking weird.About eighty percent of the time I can’t believe that I actually lie around thinking about kissing you.It’s not even lying around.It’s almost constant.How did that happen?”

Smiling, Laurent turned his head into a pillow, hiding his face.There was a light flush high on his cheeks that wasn’t quite hidden, though.A hint of muffled laughter found its way through and Damen felt his stomach flip flop.Shoving Laurent on the shoulder, Damen said, “You’re laughing at me.”

“Only a little,” Laurent said.Shifting his face, gaze returning to Damen, he reached out and flicked Damen in the forehead.“I think about kissing you, too.”

“Really?”

“No.It’s all a giant farce.I’m not in love with you in the slightest.I can’t believe I’ve managed to trick you for this long.”

“Alright, no need to get sarcastic.It’s, you know…well, it wouldn’t be surprising if…”

“Don’t bring my uncle up.Not now.We were having a pleasant conversation.”

“Sorry,” Damen murmured.

“It’s quite alright.Let me properly ask the question I came here to ask.Will you go wine tasting with me tomorrow?”

“You’re going to drink?”

Laurent smiled.“I’m cultured, Damen.I’ll spit it out.”

“Those sentences should be contradictory.”

“I might,” Laurent said, ignoring Damen’s comment.“I haven’t decided.It’s something I can do with you, though.You know that.”

“You know I’ll go.”

“Good,” Laurent side, pushing himself up off the bed.“I’ll say goodnight, then.”

“Are you sure you have to leave?”

“I…no?”

“You didn’t sound very sure about that,” Damen said, trying not to laugh.

“You’re testing my self control, which, while impeccable, has some minor flaws when it comes to you.I have yet to hurry around my brain and patch them up and…I would stay with you all night if I could.Believe it or not, I seem to enjoy suffering.”

“I’m making you suffer?”

Laurent rolled his eyes.“It’s not as serious as all that, Damen.Get that martyring look off your face.I just wish sometimes that this was more stable, I suppose.We haven’t always been stable, but I prefer when we are.And we’re the opposite right now.”

“Sorry,” Damen mumbled.

“I’m not trying to make you feel guilty.I know you’re trying to understand what you’re feeling and I promise you, I expect it to take awhile, since you’ve never really practiced introspection before.It must be difficult.”

“Oh, fuck off.It’s not that bad.”

“Yesterday, you were staring blankly at the television, eyes not moving, for over an hour, and your expression can only be described as constipated.”

“You’re laughing at me again.”

“Yes,” Laurent said, grinning.“Would you like me to stay?I can lie back down.It’s not like I have anywhere to be.”

Sighing, Damen said, “No.You can go.I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Did I kiss your forehead ever?Before now?”

“I don’t think so.”

“But you did kiss mine, didn’t you?”

“Definitely,” Damen said, a flood of images coming to mind.Most were from the past couple of years, the relative lack of traumatic events and the increase in days without seeing each other creating a feeling that was a mix between normalcy and longing, longing for the past they’d had, one door down from each other.Then, of course, there had been the one time right before he left for college and he’d thought that maybe he’d felt something for his best friend.

“Well, what are you waiting for?”

“You want me to get up?”

“Stop whining.”

Chuckling, Damen rolled over, reached up, and grabbed the collar of Laurent’s shirt, tugging him down so their faces were only a few inches apart and Laurent looked to be in a distinctly uncomfortable position.It would be so easy to kiss him, slip his tongue into Laurent’s mouth, finally know exactly what that felt like, exactly what that would do to him, but he’d made the both of them a promise.Gently, he kissed Laurent on the forehead, lingering longer than usual, but not as long as he had before college.Or maybe his mind was blowing that entire memory out of proportion.It certainly hadn’t been all that important until recently.

“Let go of me, you barbarian.”

“I wasn’t getting out of bed.”

“Clearly.”

“You were the one who wanted a kiss on the forehead,” Damen said.

“I didn’t explicitly say any such thing.”

“You kind of did.”

“I’m going to have to disagree with you.”

“Get out of here, asshole,” Damen laughed, shoving at his thigh.

“I’m not sure I want to,” Laurent whispered, the mood in the room changing drastically.There was an unspoken question there and Damen felt his heart clench hard with the desire to have a different response to it.

“I can’t say I’m not guilty.”

Laurent nodded slowly.“Sleep well.”

“You, too.”

With that, Laurent left the room, somehow managing to not look back.

 

“I’m so uncomfortable,” Damen said, plucking at his collar as they walked towards a beautiful estate, the vineyard spread out beneath them in greens and golds.Staring out at it, Damen wanted to unbutton at least three buttons and take Laurent’s hand to drag him out into the fields of vines.

Laurent slapped his hand.“Stop that.This is the price you pay for drinking wine at a place as nice as this.”

“Are you sure I can’t unbutton my shirt a little?”

“It will make you look like a lothario and I’d prefer whatever wives or girlfriends are present to keep their hands off of you.”

Damen grinned.“Jealous?”

“No.They can flirt and you can flirt back for all I care.I trust you.It will disgust me, is all.”

“So do I look handsome then?”

“Stop fishing for compliments.It’s unseemly,” Laurent said, nodding to a woman who opened a side door into the estate for them.There were signs directing them to where they needed to go and they followed, hands occasionally brushing as they walked.

“You look amazing,” Damen said.And it was true.Every piece of his outfit was tailored perfectly to his body and the shades of gray offset each other beautifully.It was not something Damen could’ve ever achieved.He’d stuck with basic whites and grays for a reason.

“Of course I do.”

“God, you’re exhausting.”

Laurent looked at him and smirked. 

They ended up in a large room lined with tables, bottles and glasses everywhere, along with platters of breads and cheeses and fruits, all apparently paired with the wines they were beside.“Wow,” Damen breathed.“This is fancy.This guy just gave you tickets to this?”

“I know.He should’ve just come by himself.”

“He really should’ve.”

There was a clap from the front of the room, drawing everyone’s attention to an older man with a white beard.Without further ado, he welcomed them all to his vineyard and talked about the wines, what kind of grapes he grew, all of the activities they could participate in, and the mechanics of making wine, clearly a part of the experience.Damen remained silent, though he was bored, knowing this was the part that Laurent would enjoy the most, always interested in learning something new.

The tables were apparently split so that reds were on one side and whites were on another.Damen preferred reds, so that was where they started once the speech was over.Laurent studiously spit out each swallow of wine and watched with undisguised humor as Damen drank every last drop of wine that was offered to him in the glass.

In truth, Damen couldn’t really taste the difference between any of them.They all tasted like wine.Laurent, naturally, commented on each one, engaging the server in a conversation about the wine.But when they moved away, heading towards the white wine section—miraculously avoiding a couple who looked unduly fascinated by two men attending a wine tasting together—Laurent said, “Do you think anyone’s noticed I don’t know anything about wine yet?”

That made Damen laugh, long and loud.“Maybe we should test it.Find the snootiest looking couple in the room and talk about wine with them.”

“Oh my god,” Laurent said.“Can we?Please?That would amuse me to no end.”

“Course we can.Let’s see…how about them?”Damen pointed to an older man and woman.They were both cradling their wine glasses, their expressions calculating as they took tiny sips and washed them around their mouth.

“Too old,” Laurent said.“They’ll spend more time wondering if we’re a couple and being tactlessly horrified.I think we should try them.”His finger directed Damen’s attention to a much younger couple, who looked to be on the verge of arguing about what exactly the wine tasted like.That could prove hilarious for numerous reasons.

“Let’s do it,” Damen said.“Besides, they’re on the whites and that’s where we need to be.”

 

“They had no idea,” Laurent laughed as they walked out onto the balcony overlooking the vineyard, the sun close to setting, painting everything a warm gold.It paled next to the shine coming from Laurent’s hair, though.“Not that I’m convinced they knew anything about wine, either.I don’t know how they’re even in a relationship.It must be complicated.”

“Seriously,” Damen said, leaning up against the balustrade.“I’m positive they didn't hear a word we were saying, since I described one wine as 'marshy'.They were too busy exchanging silent insults.”

“Over wine.”

“Over wine,” Damen laughed, bumping his shoulder against Laurent’s, who smiled easily.On the whites side of the room, he’d actually drank most of what he’d been offered and Damen knew he was about to feel it if he didn’t already.Damen was tipsy himself.

“Shall we go walk in the vineyard?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

There was a momentary pause and then Laurent reached over and twined his fingers with Damen’s.“We hold hands sometimes, don’t we?” he whispered.

“Sure.”

There was a set of stairs coming down from the balcony and they took them, stepping out into a paved walkway that circled the building.They stepped off of it and into lush grass that tapered off once they reached the vineyard. 

Heading between two of the vine bushes, Damen said, “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Taking advantage of my tipsiness?”

“Kind of.”

“Well, at least you’re honest.What is it?” Laurent asked, running his thumb up and down Damen’s.It was very distracting.How such a small stretch of skin could drive him crazy was beyond him, but it definitely was.

“Uh…Nicaise.Nicaise was asking me about Auguste last night.Oh, also, he wants to call you dad.”

“Those are disjointed ideas.Which would you like to start with?”

“You need to talk to him about Auguste.He’s scared of talking to you about him and he probably shouldn’t be.Auguste was his father, Laurent.And I know it absolutely wrecks you to talk about him, but if anyone deserves to hear what he was like, it’s Nicaise.Besides, it might…help,” Damen finished lamely.

Laurent was quiet for a long time, eyes fixed on the vines beside them.Finally, he said, “I know.I don’t…fuck, Damen, I don’t know why I can’t talk about him.I don’t know why I feel like I can’t share him with anyone, especially when I already share him with you.I miss him so much, but it’s not like…it’s not like it’s unbearable anymore.It should be simpler than it is.”

“All you should do is try.”

“I will.I promise.”

“You don’t have to promise me,” Damen said.

“He wants to call me dad?”

“Don’t sound so horrified.”

“It’s horrifying,” Laurent said.“I’m not his father.I’m nowhere near his father.I don’t fucking deserve the title.”

“He thinks you do.I think you do.You’ve raised him, Laurent.”

“If I’ve raised him, than so have you.”

“Oh, god no.I’m not a dad,” Damen said.

“I’m glad you see my side.”

Hearing the words behind the statement, Damen squeezed Laurent’s hand gently.There was a small squeeze back.“You’re raising him great, you know.He’s going to be a good kid.A good person.Auguste couldn’t have done better.”

“Thank you,” Laurent whispered.“You aren’t just saying that are you?”

“Am I the type?”

“Probably.”

“I’m not just saying that,” Damen said, bringing Laurent’s hand up to his mouth and kissing the back of it before thinking better of it.The both of them tensed afterwards and Damen laughed shakily.“It just seemed like a good idea?”

“Impulse, more like.”

“It seemed like a good impulse, then.”

Shaking his head, Laurent smiled and bumped against him.For the rest of their walk, they were silent, enjoying the fading sun and each other’s company.It was easy to do after knowing one another so long.Silences could still be filled with a meaningful conversation made of shrugs, rolled eyes, and small gestures.And since they’d become…whatever they were, there’d been shy smiles, barely manageable tension, and flirtatious glances as well.Currently, there was a lot of the latter because they were slightly tipsy and in a stunning locale and holding hands.

 

On the drive home—Damen taking over that task as his body dealt with the alcohol quicker—Laurent talked the entire time about the coworker who’s fiancé had left him.The amount of gossip he’d managed to retain was incredible, especially since Damen knew he carefully cultivated an image that seemed uninterested in gossip and then sunk around the office listening in on whatever conversations he could.As Damen listened, he unintentionally let his mind drift off into thoughts of the future.The truth was, he was blissfully happy at the moment and it was so simple to imagine them doing this exact thing in ten years, twenty.It wasn’t a thrill, exactly, and it didn’t scare him, it just eased his muscles and made his heartbeat slow.This was what he’d wanted most of his life and he’d found it right in front of himself.

It made him think back to the words Hennike had spoken as she was dying, words he’d entirely ignored because they hadn’t seemed relevant.He hadn’t understood, not for the longest time.Frankly, he hadn’t understood until now, because he couldn’t see how a woman looking at extremely young versions of he and Laurent could’ve predicted something like this.

 

When they got home, Nicaise and Jord were watching a movie.There was a space on the couch between them, which Damen thought was strange, until Nikandros appeared from the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn.“Alright,” he was saying, “This is my bowl of popcorn, you two.You will not consume the entire thing before I get to eat any.”

“Should’ve been faster,” Jord said.

“Agreed,” Nicaise said.He was the first one to look up when Laurent closed the front door.By then, Damen was hovering on the edge of the living room.“Hi!How was wine tasting?”

“Alright, kid.Got your uncle a bit tipsy, actually.”

“Is he still tipsy?” Nicaise asked with delight.

“Alas, I am not,” Laurent said, coming up beside Damen, closer than he would normally.“Jord, Nikandros.”

“I hope it’s alright I’m over,” Nikandros said.

“You’re always welcome,” Laurent replied.“Would anyone like cookies?I was thinking of making some.”

There was a chorus of yeses and Laurent nodded, clearly expecting nothing different.Before he left, his pinky interlocked with Damen’s and squeezed.

Taking a minute to wrap his brain around what had just happened and relearning how to breathe, Damen plopped down on the floor and leaned back against Nikandros’ legs.Digging his hand into the popcorn, ignoring Nikandros’ protests, he said, “What are we watching?”

“ _The Secret Garden_.”

“It’s dumb,” Nicaise chimed in.

“It is not dumb,” Jord said.“It’s a classic.You just don’t like it because there’s no explosions.”

“What’s the point of a movie if there aren’t explosions?”

“I’m going to have to agree with the kid,” Damen said, laughing at Jord’s open mouth. 

“It’s obviously…touching,” Nikandros said slowly, voice sounding as though the words tasted bad. 

Laughing, Damen said, “God, you’re such a liar.”

“I can appreciate a movie without explosions, I’ll have you know.”

Jord leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.“It’s alright, Nik.I’ll still like you even if you can’t.”

Damen grinned up at Nikandros who looked as though a ghost had passed through him.Obviously, Jord hadn’t done any such thing before.That theory was only augmented by the blush on Jord’s face.Despite himself, he was giggling into his hand and Nikandros nudged him hard with his leg.

“You’re one to talk,” Nikandros whispered into his ear.“You and Laurent need to get over yourselves and fuck already.The sexual tension was potent.”

“Fuck off.”

“You fuck off.”

Rolling his eyes, Damen turned back to the movie and watched it without retaining a word.Instead, he was thinking about Laurent and the pinky that had briefly encircled his.

 

Laurent came back to his room that night, after everyone was gone and Nicaise was in bed, probably asleep.This time, he didn’t say a word, making Damen wonder why exactly he was here.That became immediately obvious when Laurent slipped under the covers, adjusted the pillow on his side, and started to read.His face was a mask, clearly begging Damen not to say a word.Feeling unsure, Damen got up and readied himself for bed, changing into sweatpants and brushing his teeth.As he’d changed, he’d felt Laurent’s eyes on him.

Throwing the covers back on his side and crawling underneath, Damen rolled onto his side and stared at Laurent until Laurent returned the gaze.“Sleeping here?” he asked.

“I’ve done it before.”

“Yeah, but usually that’s because there wasn’t another option.”

“There isn’t another option,” Laurent said.“I’ve been getting terrible sleep recently and I need something proper for tomorrow.”

“It’s Sunday tomorrow.”

“Yes and I have lots of cleaning to do.”

“Right,” Damen said, falling onto his back and staring at the ceiling.There was a stretch of silence that followed, a heavy one.“You know, I have kind of terrible self control and I’m not sure this is helping.”

“Would you like me to go?”

“No, of course not.I mean…I don’t know, Laurent.You’re the one who doesn’t want to…if I end up cuddling you in the middle of the night, it’s your own goddamn fault.”

“Fair enough.”

“You’re skirting around the topic.We don’t skirt.”

Laurent sighed and set down his book.Situating himself so that his head was on the same level as Damen’s, he said, “I know.I’m not thinking very clearly at the moment.I haven’t been since the wine.Maybe even before that.You’ve always been able to settle my thoughts—it’s rather strange, actually—but, recently, you’ve all but stopped them.I’m consciously aware that I had objections, but most of the time, they seem stupid.”

“They aren’t, really.”

“I know they aren’t.That only makes it harder.”

“I wish I knew how to make her go away.”

“It just takes time,” Laurent said.“And though I hate to admit it, we have plenty of that.It’s a distinct advantage of being in love with your best friend.Or, maybe, it’s the opposite of an advantage in this situation.It feels like it sometimes.Maybe if I cared about you less, I’d have kissed you by now.”

“No, that’s not your style.”

Laurent nodded miserably, already aware of that fact.

“I guess I’m just…what’s the difference between what we’re doing now and kissing every once in awhile?”

“It’s different for me,” Laurent whispered.“I think.”

“Okay,” Damen said.“I guess that doesn’t surprise me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

Smiling, Laurent rolled over and flicked off the light.“I love you, Damen.”

“I love you, too, Laurent.”

“What’s the likelihood you’re going to end up sprawled all over me?”

“High.”

There was a short laugh and then Laurent was snuggling up against his chest, grabbing one of Damen’s arms and laying it over his waist.“Might as well just get it over with then.”

“I wish more people knew you were soft like this.”

“I will go back to my side and give you a pillow to hug.”

Laughing, Damen clutched Laurent closer.“You’re welcome to try.”

“I could, you know.”

“You don’t have to prove it to me.Go to sleep.”

Yawning, Laurent nodded, his head hitting Damen in the chest gently. 

Damen only fell asleep when he felt Laurent’s body relax and heard his breaths deepen.And before he did, he made sure to kiss Laurent’s temple and murmured the truth he’d been holding onto all day.“Your mom knew this was going to happen all along.Crazy, isn’t it?”


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got nothing new this time around. Just another thank you and another I would die for every single one of you  
> Also, I love Mari, my beautiful beta   
> Enjoy! <3
> 
> Oh...fair warning...there is a brief and not graphic mention of sexual abuse in this chapter. Just be careful.

When they arrived at the skate park, settling down on the grass underneath a flood of light from the lamp above, just flickering on, an awkwardness akin to the bus ride fell between them.The two years they’d done little but be politely cordial to each other reared their heads and Damen didn’t know what to do.Laurent certainly wasn’t helping, crossing his arms over his chest and gently rubbing his arms, while staring at the ground as though it was a starlit sky.

Sighing, Damen removed his jacket and laid it over Laurent’s shoulders.“Why did you wear nothing but a flannel?It’s barely above forty degrees out.”

“I don’t know.”

“Try again.”

“My brain’s a bit scattered.I’m…scared, I suppose,” Laurent whispered.“You’re giving me a chance and I don’t want to screw it up, but…”

“But what?”

“I’m not sure I can fully explain what happened.”

“Why not?” Damen asked.

“I don’t know how to.Nor do I know how you’ll take it.”

“I can’t really be more upset than I already am.”

“Optimistic,” Laurent said, grabbing the edges of Damen’s jacket and pulling it more firmly around him.

“Okay, I just want to make sure you realize that I am actually really pissed at you.I may have made mistakes, but I was not the one who shut you out and I did give you opportunities.Two years, Laurent.I missed out on your life for _two years_ and you missed out on mine and I hate that.”

“I know.So do I.”

“So why did you let it happen?” Damen asked, voice cracking slightly.Clearing it a couple of times, he turned his gaze to the half-pipe and imagined his brother and his friends daring each other to perform more and more dangerous tricks like they’d used to.  It was better than crying.

Curling in on himself, Laurent obviously focused on inhaling and exhaling, each breath measured and exaggerated.Though it had been a long time since Laurent had let him see him like this, Damen still recognized what this was.He really was scared and suddenly, Damen wasn’t sure he wanted to know.Carefully slipping a hand around Laurent’s waist, stifling the immediate flinch, Damen said, “You don’t need to tell me everything.Just what you can.”

Laurent nodded.“Could you remove your hand?”

“Uh, yeah.Sure.”

Laurent must’ve sensed the hurt in Damen’s voice, because he finally looked up and stared Damen directly in the eye.“It has nothing to do with you.I just…I prefer to be informed I’m going to be touched before it happens.”

“That’s new.”

“Yes.”

Nodding, Damen shivered as a cold breeze blew past them. This conversation was already going in a direction he hadn’t planned, but they were talking, and that was all that really mattered.Laurent was making an effort, aware that more years of silence was entirely possible if he didn’t give Damen enough.It wasn’t exactly fair and Damen felt a bit guilty, but Laurent hadn’t been fair, either.

“Can you just…what have you been doing?”

“With my life?”

Laurent nodded.“Every time I asked how you were, I always hoped you would…well, I don’t blame you for saying you were fine and nothing else.”

“I didn’t know if you cared, I guess.”

“I did.”

A long silence followed, Damen thinking of the longing that had occasionally shone through Laurent’s eyes.It wasn’t news Laurent cared, perhaps, but it was still reassuring to hear confirmation directly from him.Running a hand through his hair, Damen said, “I don’t know, really.Not much.I spent a lot of time in the gym, because I spent a lot of time missing you and it was the one place I could clear my head for awhile.I’m really close with Nik now.He totally doesn’t like you, by the way.Not anymore.”

“That seems…fair.”

“Uh…I think I’m bisexual?I had a crush on this guy in my English class for awhile.We made out at a party when we were both drunk, but he pretended it didn’t happen the next day.Or maybe he really didn’t remember, I don’t know.Then I dated a girl for awhile.”

“Yasmine.”

“Yeah.Been watching me?” Damen teased.

“Yes.”

“Right.”

“I missed you,” Laurent murmured.“I missed you the second you left my bedroom that day, but I didn’t know how to…I was not in a place where I could reach out because I knew you would want to know what was wrong and I was…ashamed?Frightened?I don’t really know.I felt wrong.I still do, in all honesty.”

“You’re the furthest thing from wrong,” Damen said.

“Thank you.”It didn’t sound as though he believed Damen.

“What happened?”

“My uncle happened.”

“I knew it,” Damen whispered.“Both Auguste and I got a bad vibe.Fuck, I should’ve…”

“This is why I didn’t want to tell you.Well, one of the reasons.”

“Have you told Auguste?”

Laurent shook his head, scratching at the laces on his shoes.“No.He would handle it worse than you.Much worse.I’m not sure…I don’t think he can ever know.Not for a long time, anyway.It would completely destroy him and that’s not something I can do to him.Of course, it might do the same to you, but…I can’t…”Resting his head on his knees, Laurent started to cry. 

Remembering that he couldn’t touch without warning, Damen said, “Come here.”

All Laurent did was tip over, his shoulder hitting Damen’s.Readjusting, Damen felt as Laurent slid further, face falling into his neck.Damen wrapped an arm around Laurent’s shoulders, hoping that the permission to do so was as tacit as he was imagining.Thankfully, Laurent didn’t protest, shoulders heaving as he sobbed, leaving Damen’s skin wet. 

“I can’t be alone anymore,” he whispered later, when the sobs had waned. 

“You aren’t,” Damen said, deciding something then and there.“I won’t ever leave you again.Not ever.And you don’t need to tell me anything else.I forgive you.”

“He sexually abused me.”

Something in Damen cracked and anger flooded him, every single pore.It was so strong that Damen decided he hadn’t ever been angry before in his life, not really.Despite that, he didn’t know what to do or say.It was too shocking, a lot like when Hennike had died.The whole world tilted and transformed.It had probably transformed for Laurent a long time ago.Maybe that was why they’d gotten stuck.It was hard to talk across alternate universes.With barely contained rage, Damen broke the glass covered silence.  “Is he still?”

“No.”

His first thought was: _why didn’t you tell me?_   But he suspected that was what Laurent expected him to say.So he went with his second thought.“How are you still living with him?”

Laurent shrugged.“I avoid him as best I can.”

“How do you feel about sleepovers?”

“Damen, it’s fine, you don’t need to…”

“Like hell.I don’t want you in that house,” Damen said.“Auguste wouldn’t want you there, either.”

Pulling himself away from Damen, Laurent stared him dead in the eye and said, “I can take care of myself.I am fine.If I need somewhere else to say, trust me to come to you and ask.”

“Trust you?”

“Please.”

“You sure as hell didn’t come to me before.”

“No,” Laurent said.“I didn’t.But I’m here now and I’m not going to make the same mistake again.  Okay?”

“Okay,” Damen sighed.

“And you can’t tell you Auguste.I think that goes without saying.”

“It’s yours,” Damen said.“I wouldn’t dream of telling anyone.I…thank you for telling me.”

Laurent made no indication that he’d heard Damen speak.Instead, he uncurled himself and hooked one of his feet over Damen’s, reaching for his hand at the same time.Smiling, Damen turned his hand up and felt most of his anger dissipate when their palms slid together and their fingers interlocked.“Do you think…”Laurent stopped, the silence aching with the butchered sentence.“Do you think it can be how it was before?”

“Us, you mean?”

“Yes.”

Squeezing Laurent’s hand, Damen said, “No.I think it can be better.”

 

10 Years Later

 

_N: Hey.Jord and I are thinking about going to that dumb, dinky amusement park across the river.Want to come?_

_D: Sure.Can Laurent and Nicaise come?_

_N: Course.Figured they already were_

_D: Meet there?_

_N: Yeah.When?_

_D: Noon?I’ve got to get them mobilized_

_N: Noon it is.See you guys then_

_D: Nik?_

_N: Yeah?_

_D: Invite Jokaste would you?_

_N: Do you know what you’re doing?_

_D: Yeah_

_N: Okay.   Fine.  I hate it, but I'll do it_

_N: Remember to tell Laurent_

_D: I’m not an idiot_

Leaving the kitchen, Damen exited the front door and found Nicaise and Laurent right where he had left them.Handing over the glass of lemonade Laurent had asked for, Damen sat down on the bottom step and watched as they planted some dahlias together.Mostly, Nicaise crouched down and watched, but he loved to play with the worms that Laurent inevitably dug up in the process.

It was one of the few ways in which Laurent let himself get truly dirty.His jeans and shirt were old with holes, he was fully seated on the ground, not concerned with the dirt, and he wasn’t even wearing gloves, the soil getting underneath his nails and on the glass whenever he took a sip of lemonade.Damen had decided early on this morning that Laurent should garden more often.It was always a pleasure to see him dressed down.Especially when there were little smudges of dirt all over his arms and face.

“…To separate the roots,” Laurent was saying, helping Nicaise carefully break up the bottom of the plant that they’d just slipped from its container.“You don’t want to do be too rough or separate them too much, though.That looks about right.Why don’t you put it in that hole right there?”

“What’s wrong with that one?” Nicaise asked, pointing to a different hole.

“I’d prefer not to have similarly colored flowers beside each other.If we have variety, we should mix it up.”

“What if I want it there?”

Laurent sighed, running the back of his hand across his forehead, leaving another smudge of dirt.“Then you can put it there.There’s no point putting up a fight over flowers.”

Smiling indulgently, Nicaise put it in the hole he wanted and started pushing dirt over it.With gentle fingers and quiet words, Laurent told him to slow down and be more careful around the leaves.Damen smiled as he watched, idly wondering if this was something he could do all day.He thought maybe it was.

When that dahlia was planted, Laurent shielded his eyes from the sun and turned his attention to Damen.Smiling softly, he said, “There’s something on your mind.”

“Two things,” Damen replied.In truth, it was three, but Nicaise was with them, so it was probably the wrong venue to flirt shamelessly with Laurent.“One, your birthday is in three days and we should come up with something to do.Two, Nik is going to the amusement park with Jord and he invited us.Noon.I said we’d go.”

Nicaise’s eyes lit up at the mention of the amusement park.Without any verbal confirmation, Damen knew they were going to go.Neither he nor Laurent could resist that face and it wasn’t like they had anything better to do.

Standing in a rush, Nicaise said, “I’m going to go get dressed,” before sprinting into the house.His mood was infectious, both Damen and Laurent grinning after him.

Taking the only dahlia left into his hands, Laurent said, “I’m working on my birthday.There isn’t much time to do anything.I’m fine staying in and watching a movie.Maybe we could splurge and rent something from Comcast.”

“That’s like a forty year old’s birthday.You’re turning twenty-six.We should do something.”

“Nicaise.”

“Get Jord to babysit.”

Laurent considered that and then said, “What if we came up with something that included Nicaise?”

An idea occurred to Damen.“Remember that arcade Auguste took us to when he came home after his freshman year?I’m pretty sure it’s still around.Nicaise would love it.Hell, so would I.It’s been a long time since I’ve had that kind of fun.”

“I still have that stuffed dragon Auguste won from the claw machine,” Laurent murmured.

“In the Auguste box?”

“In the Auguste box.”

“Look through it yet this year?”

Laurent shook his head.“No.I’m anticipating it’s one of the years where I deal with everything all at once.”

“My favorites.”

Humming in agreement, Laurent carefully pressed the soil in around the dahlia.Then he picked up the water bucket beside him and stood, splashing water onto the soil, doing his best to avoid the leaves.“The arcade sounds fine.”

“Fine is not the same thing as fun.It’s your birthday.It was just an idea.”

Rolling his eyes, Laurent said, “The arcade sounds fun, if you must know.Now, would you go fill this with more water?I don’t want these to die.”

“Sure.”

As Laurent handed the bucket over, he said, “You were staring.”

“I like the dirt.And the holes.”

“I’ll have to remember that.”

“You have smudges everywhere,” Damen said, unable to stop himself from brushing his thumb across one underneath Laurent’s cheekbone.

Smirking, Laurent said, “If only we were doing _this_.I’d let you rub each one clean.”

“You suck.”

“I’m aware.Weren’t you filling up my water bucket?”

“I’m starting to think you don’t deserve my help.”

“Yes, but I asked and you’re in love, which means you’ll do it because you’re Damen deAkielos and you’re hopeless.”

“Oh really?” Damen asked, smiling.Laurent groaned and ripped the bucket from Damen’s hands before he could do something with it, which was really too bad, because Damen had been about to put it over the top of Laurent’s head.Maybe snap a picture or two.

Settling back on his step, Damen waited for Laurent to come back.It didn’t take long.And as he poured more water over the dahlias, Damen said, “I’ve got something to tell you.”

“Jokaste?”

“Uh…yeah, actually.How’d you know?”

“Tone of voice.”

“Oh, right.Well, I had Nik invite her today.”

There was no response from Laurent.Methodically, he finished watering his plants, and then he set the bucket down in the grass and sat beside Damen on the stairs, picking the dirt out from underneath fingernails, wiping what came out onto Damen’s shorts.Finally, he said, “It isn’t going to be pleasant, you know.”

“Couldn’t you be nice?”

“Please tell me you did not have some fantastical notion that I would be nice to her.That would be downright delusional, Damen.”

Sighing, Damen shook his head.“Not really, no.”

“What exactly is going on in your brain?”

“It’s been a month since I’ve seen her,” Damen replied.

“You miss her.”

“Well, yeah.Course I do.But that’s not what I’m saying.”

“Do not make me fight for answers, Damen.I’m not in the mood.Not when it’s Jokaste,” Laurent said, voice edging towards irritation.

“Sorry.”Then, Damen laughed, not quite believing that what he was about to say was true.“I’m just nervous.Like, the butterflies are next level right now.They should probably be tearing my body open.”

There was a beat of silence and then Laurent bit down on his lip to prevent himself from smiling down at his lap.“You think you’re…you think we could do this.Don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“But you want to see her to make sure.”

“It is slightly terrifying how well you know me,” Damen said.

“Works both ways.”

“I know.”

“Very well,” Laurent said.“I’ll try to…go easy.Although, it is worth mentioning that she is more than capable of withstanding my insults.”

“Doesn’t make it right.”

Bumping his shoulder into Damen and leaving it there, Laurent said, “You are infuriating, you know.”

“You love me.”

Kissing Damen on the cheek, Laurent ruffled his hair, and then stood, wiping his hands on his jeans.“I’m going to go shower before we go.Make sure Nicaise puts sunscreen on and consider putting some on yourself.And stop staring at me like that.You can join me in the shower once you've figured your shit out.”

“I wasn’t looking at you like anything,” Damen grumbled.

“You were.I’ve seen those eyes before.”Laurent paused at the door and then came back, carding his fingers through Damen’s hair and leaning down, so that their foreheads were almost touching.“I’m not sure I’ve ever seen them directed at me, though.”

“Like it?”

“It makes me a bit nauseous, actually.”

“Hot,” Damen grinned.

Laughing, Laurent released Damen and headed into the house, leaving Damen behind with a half empty glass of lemonade and a mess of gardening tools and leftover plastic containers.Knowing Laurent wouldn’t want it to remain a mess, Damen began to clean it up.When Nicaise came to find him, he helped without complaint, chattering away about all of the rides he wanted to go on.

 

When they arrived at the park, Laurent had to hold Nicaise’s hand to prevent him from sprinting off into the crowds of people.It looked as though it was a lot like walking a dog who hadn’t been outside all day.Nicaise was tugging and tugging on Laurent’s hand, Laurent stumbling after, quickly grabbing Damen’s hand so they all stayed together.

They waited in line for twenty minutes, bought tickets, and then Damen led them to the skating rink where Nikandros, Jord, and Jokaste were waiting for them.As they got closer, Laurent’s hand tensed around Damen’s.In response, Damen ran his pinky up and down the line of Laurent’s until the grip eased slightly.

There were rides all around them and Nicaise kept pointing and saying, “Let’s go on that one.”

By the time they made it to the skating rink, Damen could feel Laurent’s frayed nerves.More desperately than he’d wanted anything in awhile, Damen wanted to disappear into the crowds with Laurent, find a quiet place, and sit with him until he was comfortable.Unfortunately, they had Nicaise and there were things he had to do.

“They’re over there,” Laurent murmured, pointing to the other side of the rink.They were all sipping something from styrofoam cups and gathered in a small circle.Jord was doing the talking, that much was obvious.Probably because Nikandros was having trouble not glaring.

“We’d better go save Jokaste.”

“She doesn’t deserve saving.”

“Okay, well, I’m going to go save her.If you want, you can take Nicaise out on the rink for a bit.I’ll pay for the skates.”

“Why aren’t we doing anything?” Nicaise whined.“There’s so much to do and we’re just standing here.”

Laughing, Damen handed him a twenty.“Why don’t you go get you and Laurent some skates?When we’re ready to hit the rides, I’ll come get you.”

“Okay!” Nicaise said, snatching the twenty from Damen’s hand and running off to the desk to the side of the rink.Sighing, Laurent chased after him, flipping Damen off as he did.Chuckling, Damen walked towards his friends.

“Hi,” he said, when he arrived.“What’s up?”

“Oh, thank god,” Jord mumbled.“Feel free to take over the conversation.I’m done.”

“That bad, huh?”

“He will not stop acting like a five year old.”

“Neither will she,” Nikandros argued, crossing his arms over his chest.“I can’t believe you’re blaming it all on me.I’m your boyfriend, for god’s sake.You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“Just calling it as I see it,” Jord said, taking another sip of what looked to be a slushy of some kind.

“He’s not wrong,” Jokaste said, voice smooth and easy.“I’ve barely said a word and I’m certainly not the one glaring.I have no problem with you.”

“Of course you don’t.I didn’t sleep with your brother.”

“I don’t have a brother.”

“Damen, I’m going to kill her.Why the fuck did we invite her?Why?”

“It’s, well…complicated.”Finally looking at Jokaste, Damen smiled, trying to discern how he felt.She was beautiful, as always, but the irrevocable pull was gone.There was a twinge of something, but Damen couldn’t tell if it was guilt or just a longing to repair their relationship so they could at least be friends.That was something he was going to have to figure out today.

“Complicated,” Nikandros grumbled.“Great.Where are Nicaise and Laurent?”

“Roller skating.”

“Excellent.My boyfriend and I are going to go do that, too.Do whatever the fuck you have to do with her and then make her go home.Or take her out on the rides yourself.I don’t care.But I don’t want to be around her.”

Jord took Nikandros’ hand when it was offered, but Damen heard him berating Nikandros quietly as they strolled to the desk themselves.Jokaste watched them go and then said, “Did you want to talk about something?”

“Not really,” Damen said.“I just wanted to see you.”

“How’s it going with Laurent?”She said it with nonchalance but Damen could tell the words were causing her pain.

“We’re not doing anything.”

Jokaste considered that and then took Damen’s hand, dragging him to the side of the room and sitting down against the wall, patting the ground, begging him to do the same.He did and she said, “Why the fuck aren’t you doing anything?I thought it was quite obvious that you should be doing something.”

“He thinks I’m still in love with you.”

“Do you want me to talk to him?”

Damen laughed.“You can try, if you want.I’m pretty sure he won’t care, though.He kind of…”

“Hates me,” Jokaste finished.“They all do.”

“Sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Well, I…”Damen stopped, unable to come up with a reason.He’d thought about saying she didn’t deserve it, but she did.He’d thought about saying that she didn’t deserve it now, not after what she’d told Damen, but they weren’t obligated to forgive her just because he had.In truth, he’d only said sorry because he wanted her to be happy, but that wasn’t what the word sorry was for.It wasn’t his fault she wasn’t happy.Perhaps it wasn’t hers, either, but it certainly wasn’t his.“I don’t know,” he finally said.“It just seemed like the right thing to say.”

“You feel guilty, don’t you?”

“Sometimes.I wish I’d known.I wish I’d spared you the pain.”

“Do you want to know what I think?” Jokaste asked.

“Of course.”

“I think you’re very well aware that it’s not something you could've controlled.What you’re feeling, I think it’s just what you think you should be feeling.Or, at least, it’s an overenthusiastic attempt to understand what I’m feeling, which would be just like you.”

“You think?”

She nodded, leaning against the wall and staring out at the skating rink.When Laurent and Nicaise passed by them, Laurent skating backwards so that he could keep Nicaise upright, Jokaste said, “If the two of you were together, taking care of that kid, would you really feel guilty?In the slightest?Would you regret a single decision you’d made?”

“No,” Damen whispered.

“No.Of course you wouldn’t.Because that, Damen,” she said, pointing to Nicaise and Laurent, “that is what most everyone wants.”

“Thank you.”

“Always,” Jokaste said, stretching out her legs and smoothing down her dress.

“Always?”

She nodded.

“So...are we friends?”

“I certainly hope so,” Jokaste said.“Of course, I think we should keep the others out of it when we see each other.There’s no sense making them suffer.”

“They’re not suffering.They’re fine.”

“You can’t force them to like me.”

“No, I can’t.But I can force them to be civil.Just watch me.”

Laughing, Jokaste started to re-braid her hair.As she did, the two of them watched the passing skaters, not exchanging a word.It wasn’t awkward like Damen had expected it to be and when she finished the braid, quickly tying a hairband around the end, Damen said, “Shall we get this day started?”

“Yes, let’s.I love it here.”

“I know.Remember when we came here and got stuck on the one fucking roller coaster for like an hour?”

“Oh, god, don’t remind me.That was terrible.I just wanted to be home by then.”

Laughing, Damen agreed and then stood, helping her up.Together, they walked to the skate rink and leaned against the wall.Damen yelled at everyone and they gathered around, both Nikandros and Laurent still looking rather disgruntled.Smiling at them both—it only worked on improving Laurent's mood—Damen said, “Ready to get out there?”

“Is she coming with us?” Nikandros asked.

“Yep.”

“Damen, I swear to god…”

“Nik,” Damen said, cutting him off.“She’s coming.If you have a problem with that, we can go duke it out somewhere.I’m willing.Shall we?”

Nikandros glared at him for almost thirty seconds and then he said, “Fine.Whatever.Let’s go.”

The group piled out of the skating rink, removed their skates, and took them back to the desk.Then they strolled out and let Nicaise take the lead.He was the most excited and knew exactly which rides he wanted to go on.Even when it was a stupid cart ride that took them through what was supposed to be a haunted house, but was really just a decrepit building with really fake skeletons, they all still went, happy that Nicaise was happy.He was, in fact, what brought all of them together.By the time they were in front of a high-flying spiny ride, they were all having obscene amounts of fun.

“Dude, remember when I rode this twelve times and threw up for like fifteen minutes?”

“A riveting story, Nik, and one I don’t want to hear,” Laurent said.“Especially not when I’m about to ride it.”

“I was talking to Damen.”

“Yes, I know.”

“How does Damen not murder you?” Nikandros asked.“I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like you just fine, but I don’t live with you.”

Smiling, Laurent said, “I don’t know.He must really like me.”

“Oh god.I didn’t ask for you to get gross.”

“What’s gross?” Nicaise asked.“They do really like each other.  Duh.”

“Nothing, kid,” Nikandros replied, shooting both Damen and Laurent a glance.Grimacing, Damen walked up the metal stairs and settled into one of the seats on the ride.Gradually, his friends joined him, Laurent and Nicaise sitting on either side of him.Laurent opened his mouth to say something, but then he shook his head and started grinning when Damen began to help Nicaise get properly buckled in.It was difficult.Nicaise kept slapping his hands away and insisting he could do it himself.

While they were waiting for all the other riders to get buckled in, Damen leaned over to Laurent and whispered, “Do you think we could ditch everyone after this ride?”

“You want to leave?”

Damen nodded.

“What about Nicaise?”

“Have Jord and Nik look after him.They’d love to.Or Jokaste, frankly.”

“Is this about…”

Smiling, Damen said, “Yeah.I want you alone and I want you alone right now.”

Eyes widening, Laurent nodded, and then averted his eyes.Aware that Laurent wanted some to think, Damen turned to Nicaise and challenged him to a thumb war.They played until a portly man came to stand in the middle of the ride to explain how important the seat belts were and what the ride was going to entail, in case anyone wanted to get off before it started.

Then, gradually, it began to spin, and even more gradually, to rise, swinging like a pendulum.Halfway through the ascension, Laurent reached over and took Damen’s hand in his, gripping it tightly.He wasn’t very fond of heights, so it wasn’t particularly surprising.

When they were at the ride's full height, practically upside down, Damen let out a whoop, Nikandros echoing him.Glancing over at Nicaise to make sure he was okay, he saw that Nicaise was staring down at the crowds below them with wonder.He was just fine.

They fell fast, wind pounding them, and Damen grinned, feeling a rush of adrenaline.It was probably how he was going to feel for the rest of the day, because this was only half of what Laurent could do to him.

As the ride slowed, Nicaise letting out a groan of unhappiness, Damen’s eyes fell on Laurent, whose hair was windblown and mussed.Taking the hand in his and kissing each knuckle, hoping Nicaise was distracted, but not worrying about it too much, Damen said, “You are so fucking beautiful.”

Laurent flushed hard.His response was barely audible over the rush of wind, but Damen managed to catch, “So are you.”

The ride finally stopped—it had felt like ages to Damen—and Nicaise said, “Can we go again?There’s no one in line.”

“Sure, kid,” Nikandros said.“I’m down to see if I can last longer than twelve times this time.”

“Why do I like you?” Jord asked.

“I’m alright if it’s just because I’m hot.”

“It’s more than that, you idiot,” Jord said sincerely, making Nikandros laugh shyly.

“Actually,” Damen said, unbuckling himself, “Laurent and I are going to go home.He’s not feeling great.”

“Sure he’s not,” Nikandros said.

“Kindly fuck off,” Laurent said.

“Swear jar,” Nicaise piped up.“Does that mean I have to go?”

“No,” Damen replied, ruffling his hair.“If these guys are willing to keep track of you, you can stay as long as they do.”

“Works with me,” Nikandros said.

“Yay!”

Taking Laurent’s hand, Damen waved and dragged him away, lots of farewells trailing after them.When they were off the ride and away from their friends, they both relaxed, and Laurent closed the distance between them, practically clutching Damen’s arm.They were silent, contemplative, as they walked, but then Damen saw the ferris wheel and he knew they couldn’t leave quite yet.

“We should go on that,” he said.“Before we go.”

It was one of the ferris wheels with cages, the only version of a ferris wheel this dumb amusement park had, and Laurent looked at it apprehensively.“I swear to god, Damen, if you spin us upside down, I won’t speak to you for the rest of the day.”

“I won’t.Promise.It’ll be a normal ferris wheel ride.”

“Fine.”

“Excellent,” Damen said.They stood in line and waited their turn.Laurent let go of his hand a few minutes later and Damen was about to protest, when it came back, their fingers interlocking this time.It was totally surreal, the way Laurent was staring down at their linked hands, as if the very notion of it was cosmic in its brilliance.

When they entered one of the cages, getting it closed and locked behind them, Laurent leaned his head on Damen’s shoulder and said, “We need to tell Nicaise.”

“I’m ready whenever you are.”

“Is it…strange that I want it to be ours?Just ours?”

“A bit, maybe, considering it already isn’t ours.Jokaste and Nikandros definitely know.”

“True,” Laurent murmured.“It’s just…going to take me awhile to get used to.”

“I know what you mean.That being said, when can I kiss you?”

Laurent laughed loudly.“I don’t mean to be a tease, but I would prefer if it was somewhere less public and less…dirty.”

“Fine.”

They ended up halfway down the other side of the ferris wheel by the time it actually started to really move.It was a little jerky at the beginning, but then it steadied, and Damen looked out at the crowds around them, feeling a part of them and distant from them at the same time.It was calming for him, but he could tell Laurent found it less so.In an attempt to distract him, Damen said, “So how do you feel about pet names?”

“I don’t know.”

“How do you not know?”

“Wouldn’t it be strange?”Then Laurent paused and mumbled to himself, “It’s all fucking weird, who am I kidding?”

“Good weird, right?”

“The best kind of weird,” Laurent said, staring down at their hands again.In a careful voice, he continued by saying, “I’m going to be…I haven’t really done this before.I know you know that, but I don’t think you understand quite how bizarre it will all be for me.I’m not saying it has to go slow, I don’t think it does, I’m just saying you’re going to have to be very patient with me.Which, of course, I’m fully aware you can do easily.To be honest, I don’t know what I’m trying to say, but it seems like you should know that I might be very bad at this.I’ve always thought we knew everything about each other, but that’s not entirely true.You don’t know how I am like this and I don’t know, not really, how you are, either.It’s…terrifying.”

“I think it’s kind of exciting.”

“Of course you do,” Laurent sighed.

“I get to learn something new about you.It’s been so long since that’s been the case.When we were younger, I was always so thrilled when I got you to open up about something new.”

“I still dislike opening up.”

“It’s just me.”

Laurent huffed and then whispered, “I can’t believe we’re actually going to do this.What if it all goes wrong?”

“It won’t.”

“What if I can’t have sex?I’m not entirely convinced I’m capable.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“What if…”

“Laurent,” Damen laughed, “stop worrying.”

“Wonderful advice.Why didn’t I think of that?”

“Do you really think I will care about any of it?”

“I don’t know,” Laurent whispered.“I did mention I don’t do this, remember?It’s different.It’s more.And maybe I can’t give you what you want.”

“I want you.That’s it.”

“But you already have me.You’ve had me since the day we met.”

Taking his hand out of Laurent’s and carefully turning it over, Damen kissed his slightly sweaty palm, leaving his lips there as he stared into Laurent’s blue eyes.Laurent held his gaze, clearly about to start running off a bunch of words again, so Damen talked before he did.“It’s not that different.All that’s changed is that I want to make out with you all the time.And even if that’s something you ultimately don’t want, I won’t leave you.We’ve already got what really counts, alright?We’ve got the communication, the friendship, the enjoyment of each other’s company.Yeah?”

The tension bled away and Laurent laughed quietly, nodding.“You’re right, of course.I’m sorry.My mind is kind of in overdrive is all.This ferris wheel is not helping.”

“What is it about heights?”

“Call it an irrational fear.I have them just like everyone else.”

“We didn’t have to get on.”

“I find irrational fears irritating,” Laurent said.“One day, I’ll convince my brain there’s nothing to be scared of.That’s the goal.”

“I wish your brain luck.It’s in a losing battle.”

Smiling, Laurent leaned back in the seat and took Damen’s hand in both of his, lazily tracing loops into the palm as he stared out of the cage at the grounds of the amusement park.Tingles were shooting up Damen’s arm and he let the feeling wash over him, closing his eyes and rocking with the sway of the cage.

By the time the ride stopped, he was in a sort of stupor.When it was their turn to exit the ride, Laurent lightly shook his shoulder and said, “Move, would you?I’d very much like to leave this cage in the next century.”

“Sorry,” Damen mumbled, doing as he was bid.“I was very relaxed.”

Laurent rolled his eyes and put his hand back in Damen’s, leading him to the parking lot.As Damen followed, he wondered if Laurent was ever going to stop holding his hand now that he’d decided he was properly allowed to.In truth, Damen didn’t really care.Laurent could hold his hand every second of every day until the day he died if he wanted.It was comforting, a pleasant reminder that Laurent was there.

They got into the car, immediately rolling down the windows to escape some of the heat, and Laurent drove them home.Though Laurent preferred to have both hands on the wheel, he did sacrifice one occasionally, holding Damen’s hand on top of his thigh.More often than occasionally, he’d glance at Damen and smile, almost self-consciously.

When they got home, they toed off their shoes, deposited keys, and then wondered into the kitchen, the metaphorical center of their house.Neither of them really knew what they were doing and Laurent absentmindedly clicked his tongue as he scanned the kitchen.“Should we eat?” he asked.

“Uh…sure?”

Laurent swiveled to face Damen and then burst into laughter, clutching his stomach as he doubled over.Joining in, Damen laughed until he cried, wiping his eyes and breaking into giggles again whenever Laurent did, which happened whenever they looked at each other.After Laurent told him to stop laughing five times, they finally managed to settle down and Damen said, “So, can I like kiss you or something?”

Covering his mouth, Laurent fought down laughter.“If you’d like,” he finally managed.

Stepping forward, Damen made sure to keep the distance that he could, not wanting to pin Laurent between himself and the kitchen counter.He had to make sure Laurent had a way out.For a minute, Damen thought Laurent was going to laugh again, but the amusement flickering in his eyes disappeared when Damen cupped his face in his hands.“Hey,” Damen whispered.

“Hi,” Laurent breathed.

Then Damen leaned in, until their lips were just barely brushing.When Damen didn’t move, wanting Laurent to have full control of this kiss, their first one, Laurent surged forward, fingers digging into Damen’s neck, as he took Damen’s top lip between both of his.

And fuck, was it good.Hardly thinking about it, Damen slipped his tongue into Laurent’s mouth and Laurent let him.In the beginning surge, it was electric and mind numbing and dizzying, but when they were properly submerged in it, the kisses lazy and wet, it was simply comforting and easy and flooded Damen with warmth, like a cup of hot chocolate would.Resting his hands on Laurent’s hips, keeping him close, Damen realized they should’ve been doing this all of their life.They were made to do this together.Damen hadn’t ever had kisses like these, kisses that felt like forever, that felt like they'd already been doing them for years.

Laurent was the one to pull away, Damen chasing him, before a hand landed firmly on his chest.Laughing, Laurent said, “I need to breathe, Damen.”

“Breathe?Breathing is for the weak.”

Laughing again, Laurent slipped his fingers into Damen’s hair and leaned their foreheads together.“Was that as good as I thought it was?” he murmured.

“Definitely,” Damen said.“I personally suggest we never stop.”

“It wasn’t quite how I…expected.”

“What did you expect?” Damen whispered.

“I knew you’d kiss like your life was on the line, but I did not expect you to kiss that gently.Nor did I expect it to feel like…well, that aren’t words for it.All I can say is that you must really fucking love me.”

“I do.”

Humming, Laurent kissed him again, arching into his body and properly winding his arms around Damen’s neck.Carefully, giving Laurent time to pull away, Damen slipped his hands underneath Laurent’s shirt and splayed them across the small of Laurent’s back.A small noise fell from Laurent’s lips, but he didn’t protest, changing the angle of their kiss, deepening it, stroking Damen’s tongue with his own.“So this works,” Damen mumbled between kisses.

“Yes.Thank god.”

“What…mm…what do you like?”

Breaking off properly, Laurent’s lips delightfully puffy and red, Laurent said, “These kisses have been the best I've ever had, Damen.I assure you, you’re doing fine.I…what do you like?”

Stomach flip-flopping, Damen said, “Don’t be afraid to use your teeth.”

Smirking, Laurent said, “I’m more than happy to oblige that request.”But when he stepped back into Damen’s space, he didn’t go in for a kiss, he just wrapped his arms around Damen’s waist and laid his ear against Damen’s chest.Resting his cheek on Laurent’s head, Damen held him tightly, breathing in his pleasantly spicy cologne.

“Not to be abrupt or...well, what are your thoughts on sex?” Damen said softly.

“I won’t know until we try.”

Closing his eyes, Damen kissed the top of Laurent’s head.“We’ll wait until tomorrow, then.Or whenever we have time.I’d prefer being less tired for that.”

“It has been a long day.”

“Dinner?”

“An excellent idea.Will you help?” Laurent asked.

“Course.What do you want me to work on?”

“A salad would be wonderful.”

“Done.”

“Make sure you actually chop the onions this time.Nicaise doesn’t like them and I’d prefer to avoid his complaints, which means they need to be so small, he can't tell they're there,” Laurent said, already pulling out pots and pans for whatever else he was planning.

“You’re lucky I’m fucking smitten with you right now or I’d tackle you somewhere and tickle you half to death for that insinuating I can't chop onions.”

“If you wanted me to talk to you again, you wouldn’t.”

“At least pretend to take my threats seriously?”

Smiling, Laurent shook his head.“I’m afraid I can’t.”

Setting down what he’d gathered from the fridge, Damen strolled over and kissed Laurent softly.“Luckily,” he murmured, “I can just do that when I want you to shut up.”

Stepping on Damen’s toes, Laurent said, “And in response I can do that.”

“Fuck,” Damen grumbled, wriggling his toes.“That hurt, you know.”

“I’m terribly sorry.That must be hard for you.”

“Fuck you.”

At that, the front door opened and Nicaise laughed maniacally, shouting, “I heard that!Swear jar!”

“After dinner?” Laurent murmured.

Aware that Laurent was talking about Nicaise, Damen nodded and said, “After dinner."  Before he went back to his salad, he snuck in one more lingering kiss.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ten years later...........  
> Just want to say sorry for the delay, whether I actually need to be sorry or not. Had some bad mental health days and some bad nausea days--turns out I'm lactose intolerant wooo, but I finally managed to pound this out and be sort of proud of it.  
> As always, thank you so so much. You're all delightful and make this so much easier for me  
> Thanks to Mari, as well. You do such wonderful things for me.  
> Enjoy! <3
> 
> P.S. I'll get to comments when I'm fully pulled together.  
> P.P.S Whoever was saying something about a podfic......YES. PLEASE. I WOULD ADORE YOU FOREVER. Literally whatever you want to do. Also, I'll properly get back to you about that at some point. Promise.

The year that followed was one of the best of Damen’s life so far.He had Laurent back, and though it took a fair amount of convincing, Nikandros welcomed him back into the fold with only a few digs and glares.It was as though nothing had ever happened.Laurent ate lunch with them again, Laurent was constantly over at Damen’s, whether it was doing homework or reading a book, and they talked about everything, the years and secrets falling away, until it felt like how it was when they were kids, except now they knew, truly knew without a doubt, that their friendship could survive anything.

There were more difficult nights, nights when Laurent was so far away from himself Damen couldn’t even find him, but he refused to leave and Laurent didn’t ask him to.Those nights, they would do absolutely nothing except lie on the floor of Damen’s bedroom and watch the ceiling fan spin.

Then there were nights where Laurent was almost happy and they would take Damen’s dad’s car, pick up Nikandros and Lazar and whatever dates—if they had some—and drive on long, country roads just outside of the suburbs, going faster than they should and blasting music.Laurent would rarely speak during those nights, but his smile was always addicting and beautiful.

The summer that came was even better.Auguste was home, Kate in tow, and Damen spent less time worrying about Laurent and his uncle, because there was now someone in the house with the two of them.

It was easier on Laurent, too.He was undeniably happy to have Auguste back and there were so many nights they all spent out, in parks, in cars, at coffee and ice cream shops, that sometimes it felt like they were family.They certainly spent more time with each other than their actual families.

One night, it was just he and Laurent, and they were on the couch in Damen’s basement, watching a movie.They were curled up together, sharing a blanket, tossing popcorn at each other more than they actually ate it.The movie was incredibly boring, so they were mostly whispering and giggling with each other.It was a summer evening.That was the only way to describe just how lazy and content the two of them were.  Arguably, these were the absolute best nights.

“You know,” Laurent said, “This would be so much better if that blonde girl just blew everything up.”

“Where’s she going to get the bombs?”

“Who cares?That would be the least of my concerns.There’d be explosions.”

“You’re not even the explosion lover in this relationship,” Damen said, resting his head on top of Laurent’s.For most of the night, Laurent’s head had been on his shoulder, his hair gently tickling Damen’s neck.“And you’re a stickler for plot.”

“This is plotless.It’s already irredeemable.”

“Explosions would end it quicker.”

“Exactly.”

“We can stop watching, you know.”

Laurent opened his mouth expectantly and Damen rolled his eyes before feeding him some popcorn.After he swallowed, Laurent said, “I’ve suffered this long already.I can’t quit now.”

Damen laughed and Laurent tilted his head back, smiling softly.The only light in the room came from the TV and it got suddenly bright, the white reaching every plane of Laurent’s face and Damen felt suddenly breathless.Always, he’d been aware that Laurent was beautiful, but only aware in a concrete sort of way; a simple descriptor or observation.It hadn’t ever hit him like this.Or affected him so strongly.

But as he stared at Laurent, whose smile had almost entirely disappeared, he realized, acutely, that Laurent had grown up, that they both had.He was lankier than Damen, his limbs long and slightly awkward, but the way they were sprawled out on the couch now was graceful.His shoulders, one digging into Damen’s side, were wide and well-muscled.Everything fit, worked together.He’d grown into himself and it was…stunning.

Quietly, Laurent cleared his throat and Damen startled, sitting up abruptly.Carefully lying a hand on Damen’s shoulder, Laurent said, “Are you alright?”

“Uh…yeah.”

“Do I have something on my face?”

“What?”

“You were staring.”

“Oh, uh…no.Your face is…fine.” _I just think I might want to kiss you, which is totally fucking uncomfortable_ , Damen thought to himself.

“You’re being strange.”

“Yeah, I know.”

There must’ve been something in Damen’s eyes, because Laurent didn’t press the question.All he did was nod and relax back into the couch, distinctly apart from Damen.Overly aware of his own body and how awkward he was, Damen did the same.For the rest of the movie, they both watched, and Laurent didn’t make another comment, the tension in the room palpable. 

Chewing on the inside of his cheek, Damen wondered what the fuck was happening.Why were they both acting weird?Laurent should be fine.Hell, he should be fine.He hadn’t actually kissed Laurent, thank god.That would be a travesty.For one, they were best friends and that was exactly how Damen liked it and for another, Damen was weeks away from leaving for college and if Damen kissed Laurent, it would mean something.Wouldn’t it?

Maybe it was hormones.Damen’s mom was always talking about those.Maybe that could explain why he’d had the sudden desire to kiss his best friend, someone who probably didn’t even want to get kissed, especially by him. 

When the movie was over, Damen said, “Are you staying the night?”The words came out almost squeaky.

“I was planning to, but I…Damen, you look like you’re about to pass out.”

“It’s nothing.”

“You’re a terrible liar.”

“Don’t worry about it, alright?” Damen said, willing Laurent to let it go.There was no way in hell he would ever tell Laurent that he’d thought about kissing him.Not ever.Not even if he was being dangled over a pit filled with crocodiles by his feet.

“If you insist.”Then, after a long pause, where they didn’t look at each other, Laurent said, “I think I’ll go home, if that’s alright.”

“Oh.Of course it is.”

Biting on his lip, Laurent opened his mouth to say something and then closed it.Finally, all he said was, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Yeah.”

Damen watched as Laurent scampered up the stairs.After the front door slammed, barely audible from where he was, Damen settled back on the couch and watched another movie, refusing to think about what had just happened, refusing to wonder if Laurent had known exactly what he had been thinking, refusing to acknowledge that it was something that might keep happening.

 

The few weeks before Damen left for college weren’t painfully awkward, though they were filled with moments that were.A morning boner one day Laurent did sleep over, catching each other staring, and short, stunted conversations that attempted to work around what they really needed to talk about, whatever that was.Damen didn’t actually know and it was obvious Laurent didn’t either, or he would’ve said something. Auguste quickly caught on and when he confronted Damen about it, he just laughed as Damen slowly picked his way through words, trying to describe what it was he was feeling.The laughter had been irritating and Auguste had immediately softened and said, “You two will figure it out.You always do.”

It was a nice sentiment, but Damen wasn’t sure.Or, rather, he wasn’t sure they could do it now, before he left.He would have to leave it to future Damen, if that was something future Damen was interested in.Honestly, Damen couldn’t ever see himself being interested in figuring out the lines between best friends and…no.He couldn’t even think the word.Not about Laurent.

 

But then it was the day he was leaving, a late summer afternoon, the smell of freshly mown grass and the sound of lazily buzzing bees making Damen wonder how it was possible his summer was already over.He was heading to a local private college, only a thirty minute drive from home, with Nikandros in tow.A large part of his decision had been about Laurent.If he needed somewhere to go, Damen wanted it to be reachable.When he’d told Laurent, he hadn’t talked to Damen for over a day, disagreeing with his priorities, but he eventually apologized, grateful for the gesture.

The car was all packed up and his parents were ready to go, happy and smiling, even though Damen knew they would both be in tears within the hour.

But he hadn’t said goodbye to Laurent yet.Mostly because Laurent couldn’t be found.Not even Auguste knew where he was.Damen had already tried the skate park and the local coffee shop.Swearing fluidly, his mom telling him to watch his language out of obligation, Damen texted Laurent again.It was clear he didn’t want to be found but Damen was not leaving until he saw him.Tomorrow was the first day of an introductory week, anyway.It wasn’t like it could be all that important.

“Honey,” his mom said, giving him a sympathetic smile, “You can always come back on the weekend.And I’m sure he’ll call you.”

“He doesn’t call,” Damen murmured, trying to brainstorm other places, places that Laurent would think he didn’t know about.There had to be somewhere.

“I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but your father and I have things to do.We’re going to have to leave at some point.I know he’s your best friend, but it’s not like he’s going anywhere.”

“I’m not leaving without saying goodbye.”

His mom sighed and shot a look to his dad, who shrugged.They started to have one of their silent conversations and Damen left them to it, heading down the street.There was the tree that they’d sat against all those years ago when Laurent had cried about the loss of Hennike.It was a long shot, but Damen had exhausted every other option, apart from a truly random place that Damen had no hope of finding.He was pretty sure, however, that a small part of Laurent wanted to be found.He was counting on that.

It was an incredibly short walk to the tree, though it had felt much longer when he’d been a kid.When he got there, he saw Laurent propped against it, reading a book, his bangs falling into his face.The tree looked the exact same, though Laurent didn’t, and Damen felt a wave of nostalgia.When exactly had they grown up enough to suffer a forced separation like this?It had always seemed a distant thing, even a couple of weeks ago, but now it was here.

“Hey,” Damen said, standing a few feet away.

Laurent closed his eyes and then his book.“Leaving?” he murmured.

“Yeah.”

“Goodbye, then.”

“Don’t do that, okay?Not today.I’m fucking miserable, to be honest, and I need my best friend.”

“Weren’t you saying just yesterday that it was only thirty minutes away?And that we could visit each other all the time?And that, really, it wasn’t all that significant of a change?” Laurent said, keeping his eyes focused on his lap.

“I was trying to be optimistic.”

“Feel free to continue.I really don’t mind.I’m sure we’ll both be fine.”

Rolling his eyes, Damen sat beside Laurent and bumped their knees together.It had been a relatively recent development, but Damen dwarfed Laurent in every way and it was particularly unsettling now, under this tree, a notable landmark of their childhood.Almost any sort of physical contact would take some rearranging.

When Laurent didn’t look at him, Damen said, “I won’t be fine.I’m already not fine.”

“And I’ll be alone.”

“Yeah,” Damen whispered.

Setting his book aside, Laurent leaned into Damen’s shoulder and took his hand, slowly folding his fingers between Damen’s.They both stared at their hands, Damen trying not to lose his mind, suddenly unsure if this was normal or not.“I don’t like goodbyes.”

“I know, but…”

“You’re Damen.”

“Well, that’s not really what…”

“But you are,” Laurent said.A short pause followed.“I am sorry.”

“It’s alright.”

Smiling softly, Laurent ran his thumb up and down Damen’s.It sent so many nerves alight that Damen wasn’t sure whether he wanted it to stop or he wanted it for eternity.“You forgive too easily, you know.”

“I’d forgive you almost anything.”

Then Laurent brought Damen’s hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of it, not sparing Damen a glance.It was quick, perhaps not even qualified as a peck, but it still didn’t feel entirely platonic.As Damen gazed at Laurent’s profile, an interesting study in harsh angles, but soft lines, he searched desperately for words, something to explain the past few weeks, while still asking a question, but he came up empty. 

It wasn’t the right time.He was leaving.Their relationship was fine the way it was and they were young.So young.Too young to start something like that between the two of them.Weren’t they?Wouldn’t they screw it up?

Besides, Laurent was…complicated.It was entirely possible Damen was reading too much into everything and he couldn’t afford to be wrong.

Shaking away the built up frustration of the past few weeks, figuring it could build up for awhile longer, Damen whispered, “I really need to go.My parents have wanted to go for like an hour.”

“You refused to go without seeing me first, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.I’m not sure what I’m going to do without you.”

“You’ll have Nik.”

Damen shrugged and Laurent smiled, obviously flattered and pleased.Giving Damen his hand back, he stood and picked up his book.He waited for Damen to do the same and then they walked home together, saying nothing, occasionally shoving each other and laughing quietly, self-consciously, both aware this was no longer an everyday activity.This would become rare and incandescent, like a summer meteor shower.

They stopped walking when they could see the car in the distance.They were close to Laurent’s house, only occupied by Auguste for another week, and Damen felt a surge of worry.Gripping Laurent’s shoulders, he said, “I know it’s going to sound super unappealing, but Nik and I’s dorm is always open to you.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Just in case.”

Laurent nodded.“Just in case.”

“Good.”

“I suppose this is goodbye, then.”

“Not for long.”

Laughing, Laurent gently pushed Damen’s hands off his shoulders and said, “Enjoy college.It’s meant to be a time of exploration and experimentation.I won’t have you missing out on something so pointlessly normal because of me.Come home when you want to, not because you feel as though you have to.”

“Jesus, Laurent.You’re the only reason I want to come home.”

“Well, in that case…”

Damen laughed and Laurent joined in.His abruptly cut off, his teeth catching his lip, and then he wrapped his arms around Damen’s neck, curling himself into Damen.“I love you,” he whispered into Damen’s ear.“If you don’t call me at least once a week, I will seriously consider murdering your parents.”

“You hate calling.”

“Not when it’s you.”

“I’m not sure that’s entirely true.I definitely remember a couple of times when…”

“Shut up, Damen,” Laurent said, holding him tighter.

“I love you, too.”The words didn’t sound weird, not like everything else had felt and sounded weird.They sounded right, true, important.They might be splitting ways, possibly for a very long time, possibly for the rest of their lives, but that wouldn’t stop Damen from loving him in any way that he could.He knew it was true for Laurent, too.They’d simply been through too much together.

Laurent stepped back, but Damen followed, trying not to think as he pressed his lips to Laurent’s forehead.It was unpracticed, slightly awkward, but he was determined.The irritatingly persistent and unresolved feelings demanded it.

A sharp breath came from Laurent, but he didn’t move.Closing his eyes, Damen breathed Laurent in and let his lips linger, indulging himself, just this once, because Laurent was no longer going to be a driveway away.

When they came apart, Laurent whispered, “What was that for?”

Panicking, Damen blurted, “I don’t know.Just…I’m going to miss you.”

“I know the feeling.”Reaching up, Laurent ruffled his hair.“Have fun at college, idiot.”

“I’ll probably have more fun than I’m supposed to.”

“Probably,” Laurent laughed.

“How do I walk away?”

“You walk.”

“Easy for you to say.”

“I can walk away if you need me to.”

“Would you?” Damen asked.

“Yes,” Laurent said, holding Damen’s gaze for a long moment, before turning around and strolling away, not looking back as he entered his house and closed the door.Sighing, Damen went to the car and climbed into the backseat without a word to his parents.They understood, getting in and starting up the car, no conversation exchanged the entire drive.

 

10 Years Later

 

During dinner, Laurent kicked him four times.It was a lot harder to focus on eating and staring at something besides Laurent’s lips than Damen had thought it would be.  All he could think is that they could be doing a lot more useful things pressed against Damen’s lips.Besides, Nicaise didn’t seem to notice.And if he did, he definitely didn’t care.The kid wasn’t shy.If he had something to say, he said it.

When they were done, Nicaise ran off to the living room to watch TV while Damen and Laurent cleaned up.Normally, Laurent would’ve protested, insist that Nicaise do something to help, even if it was just carrying his own plate to the sink, but tonight he didn’t.Instead, he gathered all of the plates himself, dumped them into the sink, and then grabbed the collar of Damen’s shirt and tugged him forward until they were kissing again, blissfuly.Damen was careful to keep his hands on either side of Laurent, against the counter, so they didn’t wander anywhere they weren’t supposed to.He was less careful with his tongue, though, and Laurent was less careful with his teeth, constantly scraping Damen’s bottom lip. 

On one particular scrape, Damen groaned lightly and lowered his head, breaking their kiss.“He’s going to hear.”

“Then he’ll know.”

“We have to actually tell him.”

“Do you have to be honorable right now?I’m telling you that I’d rather kiss you against this counter for the foreseeable future.Surely, you can’t protest that.”

“We can kiss all we want,” Damen said, smiling at the sentence.“But not right now.”

“You are infuriating.Fine.Help me do the dishes.”

“Want me to wash or load?”

“Whatever you want,” Laurent said, starting the washing, knowing exactly which Damen preferred.They worked in silence, the clanking of the dishes the only thing stopping them from kissing again.They purposefully brushed hands when exchanging dishes, just for a way to touch each other.It was relieving to know that Laurent was equally determined to maintain physical contact as often as possible.Damen supposed it wasn’t really a surprise.They’d always been affectionate with each other.It was a small matter of pride for Damen, because Laurent was affectionate with very few people.

When the last dish was loaded, Damen said, “How do we want to do this?”

“I’ll tell him.You’re in charge of damage control if necessary.”

“You’re going to be blunt, aren’t you?”

“Well, you would stumble along, hopelessly searching for words, until Nicaise and I both demanded you get to the point.”

“There’s nothing wrong with handling important things delicately,” Damen mumbled.

“It’s Nicaise.”

“Alright, fair.”

“Good,” Laurent said, taking his hand and dragging him to the living room.

They discovered Nicaise sprawled across the couch, watching something that looked distinctly R rated, judging by the extreme violence and gore.When he heard Laurent, he startled and smiled innocently, changing the channel.Laughing, Damen said, “What were you watching?”

“Some _Resident Evil_ movie.Don’t know which one.”

“You can keep watching,” Laurent said, “if you’re willing to have a conversation with me afterwards about the content of the movie.”

Groaning, Nicaise turned the TV completely off and flicked his eyes between the two of them.“You have your serious faces on.”

“We have something to tell you,” Damen said.

“Okay.”

“Damen and I are…”Laurent stopped, which was a surprise.It wasn’t typical of Laurent, but then this wasn’t a typical situation.Damen was about to cover him, when he realized he had no idea what to say either.They glanced at each other and Laurent said, “What is the word for what we’re doing?”

“Dating?”

“No.”

“Uh…occasionally making out?”

“Is that seriously the best you can do?” Laurent asked.

“I haven’t heard you offer anything better.”

“Lovers?”

Before considering it, Damen burst into laughter.“Lovers,” he mumbled incredulously.Then he said, “Fuck, that’s the only way to describe it, isn’t it?”

“Well, you aren’t my boyfriend.”

“I mean, I kind of am.”

“That doesn’t encompass what you are.Not in the slightest.”

“I agree, but it’s also the only word anybody’s going to understand.”

“How is that my problem?” Laurent asked, turning to face him fully, a small smile on his face. 

“I’ll handle those conversations, then.”

“A sound idea.”

Nicaise sighed loudly, pulling them back to the present.Flushing lightly, Damen regarded Nicaise, trying to predict what his reaction would be.They hadn’t exactly conducted that conversation the way they’d intended.“You haven’t been fucking this entire time?” he said.

“Wow,” Damen laughed, a little shocked and very amused.That was a phrasing he only could’ve learned from Laurent.

“Do you have a dollar, Nicaise?” Laurent asked.

“No.”

“How do you propose we solve this problem, then?Because you owe the swear jar a dollar.”

Grimacing, Nicaise said, “I could…help with dinner tomorrow.”

“Oh, please, don’t strain yourself.”

“I was just trying to make it dramatic,” Nicaise mumbled.“I can’t believe you guys seriously thought I didn’t know.You’re my family.How could I not know?”

“I don’t know,” Damen said.“You’re nine?”

“I’m nine, not stupid.”

“Well, there you go.”

Snorting, Laurent lifted Nicaise’s legs and settled underneath them.Flicking the TV back on, he scanned the channels, settling for HGTV.When Damen didn’t immediately move to situate himself among them, Laurent leaned his head back against the couch, and said, “What are you doing, Damen?Surely it didn’t come as that much of a surprise.”

“Why do I live with you people?”

“Because you love us,” Nicaise chimed in.

“Oh, right.That.”

“Come sit down,” Laurent said.

Kissing Laurent on the top of the head, Damen nodded, lifting Nicaise’s head so he could pillow it on his lap.It wasn’t a seat beside Laurent, but there wasn’t that much room, and surely he could go an hour or two without touching him.They were in the same room after all.

He couldn’t.Within the first five minutes of _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ , Damen’s fingers were itching and he kept fidgeting, disrupting Nicaise enough that he slammed his head into Damen’s thigh.Having seen the movie before, Damen eventually settled on simply staring at Laurent, reveling in his beauty in a way he often didn’t.This was something he was allowed now.

Laurent, of course, had impeccable control and managed to watch the whole movie without looking over once.By the time the credits were rolling, Damen was ready to make out with him on any goddamn surface in the house, regardless of where Nicaise was.Both Laurent and Nicaise noticed, rolling their eyes at each other, and whispering something.Then Nicaise rose and pecked both Damen and Laurent on the cheek.“Night, Dads.”

“I’m not your dad!” Damen called after him.

Surprisingly, Laurent didn’t say a word.He simply scooted across the couch and folded himself into Damen, closing his eyes and saying, “I almost forgot, your dentist called this morning while you were showering.You’re due for another appointment.”

“I hate the dentist.”

“I’ll make your appointment for you, then.I hope it fits in your schedule.If not, you might find yourself having to do some rearranging.”

“My teeth are perfectly fine,” Damen grumbled.

“You don’t floss.”

“I do, too.”

“Once a month?”

“Been watching my teeth brushing habits?”

“No,” Laurent said.“It was an educated guess.

“Fine.Whatever.”

“I do love it when you’re petulant.Reminds me of when you were fourteen.”

“What the fuck was so great about me at fourteen?” Damen asked.

“Absolutely nothing.”

“Hey,” Damen laughed.

“I simply like being reminded I’ve known you that long.”

“Eighteen years.”

Laurent nodded.“The years hardly matter, really.It’s not like I can remember a time of my life when you weren’t there.Not really.Even those years in high school when we we weren’t talking.I was so invested in mentally begging you to talk to me, that it was like you were there.”

“We don’t talk…”

“Shut up.I’m reminiscing.”

“Why?” Damen asked.

“Because eighteen years led here.”

“Your mom knew,” Damen said.

“What?”

“She knew we’d end up here.She basically told me so that day in the hospital.”

There was a long silence and then Laurent sat up, leaning in and kissing Damen sweetly.That was all it took to scatter Damen’s thoughts, to leave his body in control, which insisted he press closer and kiss deeper until all awareness except skin and lips disappeared.

Their arrangement on the couch made that difficult, however.Damen thought he got lucky when Laurent straddled his lap, but they unfortuantely stopped kissing, Laurent brushing curls back from his forehead.“Did she…was the thought a pleasant one to her?”

“Didn’t she ask you to never leave me?”

“She did.”

“Yeah.She asked the same of me.”

Smiling, Laurent said, “Thank you.For telling me that.”

“Sure.”

Yawning, he said, “I think I’m going to go to bed.Having emotions is exhausting.I suggest not putting me through something so strenuous again.”

“I’ll do my best, babe.”

Laurent hummed, slipping from Damen’s lap.“I think I like that one.”

“Oh, does that mean it’s allowed?”

“I suppose.”

Laughing, Damen also stood, haphazardly linking their fingers together.Laurent led him down the hall.When they reached the stairs, Damen started up them, but Laurent tugged hard, bringing him back down.“Where do you think you’re going?”

“To my room?”

“You’ve got a new room.”

“Do I?”

“Yes,” Laurent said.“I could even be talked into cleaning out a drawer or two.”

“Wow, I’m so spoiled.”

“I’m going to regret everything, aren’t I?”

“Probably,” Damen laughed, snatching Laurent up into his arms and throwing him over his shoulder.Letting out a long suffering sigh, making Damen laugh harder, Laurent pinched him in the neck, but didn’t protest any further, instead directing Damen to deposit him on the bed.Damen did and then crawled on top of him, keeping his body elevated, and kissed Laurent hard, sweeping his tongue across Laurent’s teeth.Lying one of his hands on Damen’s chest, Laurent kissed him back for a moment, before pushing him away.Rolling his eyes, he said, “You’re insatiable.”

“I’ve got time to make up for.”

“I do need to sleep.”

Groaning, Damen buried his face into Laurent’s neck and started laughing.Joining in, Laurent stroked the hair at the nape of his neck.“I’m not going anywhere,” Laurent whispered.“We have all the time in the world.”

“I know.”

“And I am flattered.Really.”

“You don’t feel the same way?”

“Oh, I do.But I’m reasonable.Realistic.And I know that if I don’t fall asleep soon, I will regret it tomorrow,” Laurent said.

Rolling off of Laurent, Damen nodded.He laid there for a long time, listening to Laurent brush his teeth, change clothes, open and close a bottle of lotion, and then crawl under the sheets, a spine cracking as a book was opened.A few pages flipped and then Laurent said, “Are you going to lie like that all night?It doesn’t look comfortable.”

“I’m just…I’m really happy.”

“Happiness doesn’t normally incapacitate you.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever been quite this happy.”

Laurent let out a strange noise and then whispered, “I’m certainly the happiest I’ve ever been.”

Damen grinned at the ceiling and then flipped over onto his stomach, staring at Laurent, who was staring back at him.“Really?”

“Really.”

“On a scale of one to ten, how uncomfortable would you be if I slept naked?”

“I could really care less.”

“Good answer,” Damen said, hopping up off the bed and disappearing into the bathroom, grateful he didn’t have to walk down a hall to do so.Since none of his stuff was down here, he used Laurent’s toothbrush, and then undressed, flicking off the lights as he exited.He was about to fling his clothes on the ground when Laurent shot him with a look.It was pointed for only a few seconds, before Laurent clearly lost interest in anything other than taking in Damen’s body.

“Where do you want me to put them?” Damen asked.

“There’s a hamper two feet from you, you giant animal.”

“But what if I want to wear these tomorrow?”

“In the hamper.”

“You know, compromise is an essential part of…”

“Put them in the hamper and then come to bed so that I can actually read my book,” Laurent said, voice tight.

“See something you like?”

“I’m three seconds from cutting you into pieces, putting you in three separate garbage bags, and dumping you in random, dirty places around the city.”Then he brought his book up to cover his face and said, “And if you must know, I see quite a lot I like.”

“You have always had a thing for muscles.I think.Not entirely sure.You were never very vocal about your tastes.”

“Didn’t I mention I want to sleep?”

Laughing, Damen tossed his clothes into the hamper and slid underneath the sheets, luxuriating in the sheer softness.He’d forgotten just how much Laurent liked to spoil himself in some things.“How much did these sheets cost?”

“A lot.”

“Hey, pay attention to me,” Damen said, flicking the back of the book.

“No.”

Faking nonchalance, Damen rolled onto his side, facing away from Laurent and yawned loudly.“Guess I’ll just sleep then.See you in the morning.”

“I strongly dislike you,” Laurent mumbled.Grinning into his pillow, Damen heard Laurent’s book hit the bedside table, saw the light disappear in a flash, and then Laurent’s arm came up over his waist, hand pressing flat against his chest.“I’m paying attention to you.Is there something you wanted?”

“What do you like best about my body?”

“This conversation is one we could have another time.”

“It’s called pillow talk, darling.”

“Darling, is it?” Laurent asked, voice the softest Damen had ever heard it.Unable to go another second without looking at Laurent’s face, Damen rearranged their bodies with careful consideration, Laurent going wherever his hands asked him to.

“Is that one alright?” Damen whispered, blinking until his eyes were used to the darkness.

“You know very well you can call me whatever you like.”

“Can I?”

“Of course,” Laurent murmured, watching his finger as he trailed it up and down Damen’s arm.“I’m simply unaccustomed to anybody wanting…any of this.With me.  Because they...love me.”Aware that Laurent had more to say, Damen stayed silent, waiting.This time, Laurent’s finger traveled all the way down his arm and then his hand grasped Damen’s wrist, pulling his hand up to his face.“Your hands,” Laurent whispered.“They’re what I like best.”

“Why?”

“Because they’re yours.Because I know everything about them and I know they’re different from everyone else’s.Because they’ve only ever touched me with kindness.”

“That is possibly the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me,” Damen said, slightly breathless.

“What’s your favorite part of mine?”

“Your ass.”

For a long moment, he thought the joke had fallen flat, but then Laurent laughed, unconsciously pressing his body into Damen’s, seeking closeness.“And what is it about my ass, Damen?”

“Well, it’s quite nice.”

“Poetic.”

“Your eyes,” Damen said, seriously this time.“No question.”

“You and everyone else.”

“Yes, well, I am predictable and ordinary.”

“You are far from ordinary,” Laurent whispered, kissing the palm of Damen’s hand.

“This is going to work, right?”

Laurent nodded.“Yes.I’m already falling into it much easier than I thought it would.Of course, everything is easier with you around, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise.”

“God, you’re a fucking romantic, aren’t you?”

Instead of answering, Laurent moved even closer, his legs intertwining with Damen’s.Kissing the back of his shoulder, Laurent mumbled something about sleep and being in love—Damen really wished he’d heard every word of that comment, but Laurent had almost certainly said it into his skin on purpose.The warmth of Laurent’s body made his eyes droop and Damen surrendered to sleep, pulsing with pure, unadulterated happiness.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing new this time around.  
> I'll never stop thanking all of you so here's another thank you. You're all wonderful.  
> And thanks to Mari, who keeps me motivated.  
> Enjoy! <3

_A: I’ve got news.Is Laurent with you?_

_D: No_

_D: He can be, though, if you want_

_A: That would be great.I really don’t want to explain it twice_

_D: Alright.Give me thirty minutes_

_A: Jesus, Damen, I just thought maybe you were home for the weekend.Don’t drive all the way there.It’s fine_

_D: Don’t worry about it, man.I want to see him, anyway_

_A: You know, we still haven’t properly talked about what happened this summer_

_D: Yeahhhh_

_D: Let’s not_

_A: Why not?_

_D: I’m kind of dating someone_

_A: Fair enough_

_A: I think the two of you would be good together, though_

_D: Ughhhh_

_A: Wait, how are you even getting there?I thought you didn’t have a car_

_D: Nik does_

_A: And he’s okay driving you?I don’t want to bug him_

_D: I do all sorts of shit for him.He’s fine_

_D: I AM NOT FINE.CANT YOU JUST CALL YOUR FUCKING BROTHER AND LEAVE US ALONE?I HAVE THINGS TO DO.STUFF.LIKE…EATING.WATCHING TV IDK_

_D: Sorry about that_

_D: I’ll text you when we’re there_

_A: Thanks, Damen.And thank Nik for me_

_D: You got it_

Putting his phone in his pocket, Damen said, “Alright, Nik, let’s go.”

The Cheetos bag on his bed crinkled as Nikandros stuck his hand back in.Stuffing them into his mouth, he said, “Dude, I’m not your fucking chauffeur.And what the hell am I going to do when we get there?I’m assuming this conversation is one I’m not allowed to participate in?”

Grimacing, Damen said, “Probably not.”

“Great.”

“You could visit your parents?”

“I guess.”

“Your mom probably made cookies recently.And you know she’ll give a bag to you.”

Still pouting, Nikandros licked his fingers clean, wiped them on his pants, and then groaned loudly, getting off his bed.Without talking, he gathered his things and then opened the door to their tiny room, standing in the hall and staring at Damen with impatience.Grinning, Damen grabbed a jacket and followed Nikandros.

Nikandros managed to keep his bad mood up for all of five minutes.Once they were in the car and driving, he started chattering away about a movie trailer he’d seen this morning.It was frankly impressive that he always had something to say, even now, when they spent practically every waking moment together, an easy thing to do when you shared a room.

Before long, Nikandros was stopped in front of Laurent’s house.“Do you even know if he’s home?”

Damen shrugged.“If he’s not, I can find him.”

“Do you need me to come with you?”

“No?”

“Don’t look at me like that,” Nikandros said, leaning his head back against the headrest.“Last time I dropped you off here, Laurent’s uncle opened the door and you looked like you were ten seconds from shoving him against a wall and beating him to a pulp.”

“I don’t like him,” Damen grumbled.

“Yeah, that’s obvious.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“Alright,” Nikandros said easily, putting his car into drive.“Are you getting out of my car or not?”

Laughing, Damen did and watched as Nikandros drove away, before looking around the street.It was the dead of winter and he hadn’t been home as often as he’d anticipated, but it was still oh so familiar, as if he still lived here.Figuring he would pay his parents a visit later, Damen walked up to Laurent’s door and knocked.It was opened by Laurent’s uncle.

“Laurent here?” Damen asked, shoving his hands into his pockets.Whenever he saw the man’s face, it was a lot harder to keep himself from doing something stupid than he pretended.

“I’m afraid not.I rarely see him these days.Apparently he has better things to do than spend time with his family.”

“Yeah, he does.”

“There’s no need to be so hostile,” he said, smiling, standing taller.Though Damen was significantly larger in every way, he still felt outmatched.

“There’s plenty of reason.”

“Do you have something to say, boy?”

“Don’t fucking call me boy.”

Laurent’s uncle was on the verge of saying something, his smile only growing, but then there was a voice from behind them, quiet and surprised.“Damen?”

Whipping around, Damen felt the tightness in his chest loosen.Laurent looked lovely in a sweater and jacket, a scarf wrapped around his neck.As he glanced between Damen and his uncle, his breath puffed in the air.When Damen smiled at him, the tenseness in his shoulders disappeared and he gave a small smile in return.“Here to see me?”

“Yeah,” Damen replied.

“Let’s go.”

“But you just got home, Laurent,” Laurent’s uncle said.

“And now I’m leaving, Uncle.”

Strolling to Damen, calm and collected, Laurent strung his arm through Damen’s and led him away, heading down the street, giving no indication where they were going.Damen didn’t ask, instead fully taking Laurent’s hand and sighing happily.This was undeniably the best part of being home.All of those years ago, when Laurent had been lying in his bed and declaring Damen his home, Damen had returned the sentiment simply because it seemed the thing to do and it had been possible.But now that he was away at college, he knew it was true.It wasn’t his house, the home cooked food, or his parents that made this quiet suburb his home.It was Laurent.

“Why are you here?” Laurent asked.They were heading to the skate park.That much was obvious now.

“Auguste has some news.Apparently, he wanted to give it all at once.”

Laurent hummed in acknowledgement, his expression thoughtful.Laughing, Damen said, “You don’t need to figure out what the news is before he tells us, you know.”

“I think I do.”

“I missed you.”

“You always do.”

“So do you,” Damen said, bumping against him.

“Whatever gave you that idea?”

“That smile,” Damen said, using their linked hands to poke a finger into the corner of Laurent’s mouth.Laurent’s smile widened at the contact. 

“He’s getting married to Kate.”

“Really?You think so?”

Laurent nodded.“He’s a romantic.It’s like him.And he’ll think I’m going to berate him for it.”

“Aren’t you?”

“I’m going to tease, Damen.Tease.It’s very different.”

“If you say so,” Damen said.

“Fine.Maybe a little berating.He’s only a sophomore in college.It’s not a particularly intelligent life move.”

“We all have our moments,” Damen replied, taking them to their typical bench in the skate park and sitting down, Laurent doing the same, close enough that their thighs were touching.It was cold and not altogether strange to search for some body heat.Still, Damen started to remember what he’d been feeling the past summer.  It was both pleasant and unpleasant.

“I suppose you’d better call him,” Laurent said.

“Okay.But you have to promise we can hang out afterwards.It’s been an entire month since I’ve seen you.”

“I’m yours as long as you want.”

“You don’t have anything to do?”

“Nothing as important as you,” Laurent said.

Before he could stop the words—control was rather difficult when Laurent was saying things like that and looking at him with genuine affection—Damen said, “I know I’m dating this girl right now and I know I’ll keep dating people, but sometimes I feel like it doesn’t even matter.”

“And why’s that?”

“I don’t know.”

Poking Damen’s side, Laurent said, “I think you do know.Don’t stop now.”

“Do you ever feel like when we’re done with school, we should just fuck everything and live together, grow old, screw everyone’s expectations?Because I do all the time.I’ve known you most of my life and I don’t think anyone I’ll ever be in a romantic relationship will match up with you.Is that insane?”A quiet voice in the back of his head pointed out that it wasn’t entirely platonic, either, but he shoved that voice down.

“You sound like my brother.”

“Yeah,” Damen said, laughing and scratching the back of his neck.

“There is a lot of life left to live, Damen.There’s no point settling so early.Though, you aren’t exactly wrong in some ways.There is quite a lot inherently wrong with the assumption that romantic relationships trump all other relationships.”

“Alright, I don’t need you to get all philosophical on me.”

“And Damen?”

“Yeah?”

“I have thought about that exact thing before,” Laurent said.“It’s not as insane as you think.Now, will you call Auguste?”

Grinning, Damen nodded, scrolling through his contacts and clicking on Auguste’s name.As it rang, he switched it to speaker, and rested it on Laurent’s knee, watching it waver back and forth precariously before settling.On the third ring, Auguste answered.“Hey.You both there?”

“Yes,” Laurent said.

“Good.”Then Auguste laughed, very nervously.

“You’re marrying Kate, aren’t you?” Laurent asked.

Damen slapped him on the arm.“Let him tell the news himself.”

“It didn’t sound like he was going to get there within the next century.I was sparing him.”

“That’s not the point and you…”

“I am,” Auguste interrupted, voice crackling.Clearly, he’d blurted it loudly into the phone.Then he cleared his throat.“I am.And soon.Because…”

“Oh my god,” Laurent said.

“What?”

“Kate’s pregnant.”

“What?” Damen shouted.“Pregnant?You got Kate pregnant?”

“I didn’t mean to,” Auguste whined.“We were kind of drunk and carried away and it slipped both of our minds to…”

“I really don’t want to know,” Laurent said.“You’re an idiot.That’s explanation enough.I assume she’s keeping the baby, then?”

“Yeah,” Auguste said.There was a lot of fear in his voice, but also excitement, and Damen found himself smiling.If it had been him, he would’ve stayed because it was the right thing to do, but he wouldn’t have been thrilled in any way.However young, however unexpected this was, Auguste wanted it, which was a spot of relief.

“How far along is she?” Laurent asked.It was impressive that he knew all the questions to ask.Damen was still trying to recover from the news.

“Four months,” Auguste mumbled.

So he’d waited awhile to tell them.

“Impressive, brother.The more questions I ask, the more idiotic you get.”

“Like you haven’t made any mistakes.”

“Not one quite like this.”

“You almost lost Damen,” Auguste said and Laurent went still, eyes flashing.Their bickering, completely normal, was about to turn into a genuine fight and Damen couldn’t allow that to happen.Fights were so rare between them that they often lasted a long time and were absolutely brutal.

“But he didn’t lose me,” Damen said in a rush before Laurent could speak.“And you’re going to be a great father, Auguste.I’m sure of it.”

“You think so?”

“Definitely.”

In a voice caustic enough to corrode flesh, Laurent said, “Congratulations, brother.”Then he ended the call and tossed Damen’s phone onto his lap.Unsure what to do or say, Damen watched as Laurent stood and left, going to the half-pipe and sitting on top of it.Running a hand over his face, Damen got more comfortable on the bench, spreading his legs, and brainstormed what could be wrong.There had been the comment Auguste had made, something that certainly hadn’t helped, but was unlikely to cause such a severe reaction.It was possible Laurent really disapproved that strongly, but then he would’ve ended the conversation earlier.Maybe…

Damen’s phone buzzed.

_A: Is he really mad?_

_D: Yeah.He stormed off actually_

_A: Fuck_

_D: Any idea why he’s upset?_

_A: None_

_A: I do understand that it’s not an ideal situation, but I didn’t see that coming.If dad was still alive, it’s kind of what I would expect from him.But Laurent’s not emotionally minded enough to get that mad for the sake of our dad_

_D: Is it possible he’s jealous?_

_A: Jealous?_

_A: He doesn’t want a kid, Damen, I can promise you that_

_D: No I know_

_D: Never mind.I’ll handle it_

_A: Have him call me when you do.There was more I wanted to talk to him about_

_D: Godfather?_

_A: Yeah.He’s not going to like it and I hate to ask, but there’s no one else_

_D: He might surprise you_

_A: Maybe_

Stuffing his phone into his pocket, Damen gazed at Laurent, whose legs were kicking the air.They were the only part of his body moving.Through the misty winter air, he looked smudged, distant, and utterly impossible to reach.He wasn’t, of course, and Damen wasn’t afraid to wade to him.Not anymore.After all this time, he could finally judge a situation and understand exactly what Laurent needed, even if he didn’t himself.

Slowly approaching, giving Laurent time to glare at him, send him away, Damen sat down next to him and hooked one of his ankles over Laurent’s, ending the kicking.For a long time, they sat in silence and then Laurent whispered, “You’ve come to tell me I could’ve handled that better, haven’t you?”

“Sounds like you already know.”

“He’s so fucking stupid.”

Quietly, Damen said, “He’s your brother, Laurent, and he loves you, but he’s also his own person.Beingyour brother is not his only role.Probably not his most important, either, though I know he would argue with me on that.You’ve got to let go.Just a little.”

“I was supposed to have time,” Laurent whispered.

So he had been right.Sliding his arm around Laurent’s shoulder, light and careful—he’d learned a long time ago that he could touch Laurent without warning if he made it clear Laurent had an easy escape—he said, “If it helps, you’re the most important person in my life.”

Resting his head back on Damen’s shoulder, Laurent said, “That does help.I’m sorry, that probably sounds selfish.”

“Tell me.”

“You’re the most important person in my life, too.”

“If you’re selfish, so am I.  It sounds nice,” Damen said.

Laughing, Laurent turned his face into Damen’s neck and there was a split second where the world fell away and Damen spun into a fantasy.One where all of these meaningful words meant just that much more than they already did, where Laurent’s lips brushed his neck with purpose, where it felt like the right time to speak words shy and unsure. 

Sighing, Damen ran his hand up and down Laurent’s arm, confident that there would never be a right time.

 

Nine years later

 

Grumbling noises came from underneath Damen and then teeth closed around his shoulder, nipping hard.Waking fully, Damen said, “Fucking hell.What?”

“Get off me.”

“You’re a nice pillow.”

“A pillow that bites.Would you like another?”

Rolling off Laurent, Damen took the blankets with him and Laurent protested, tugging hard on the ends, but Damen was strong enough to ignore him.Poking Damen in the back, Laurent said, “You’re being rather rude.Especially for a day like today.Or have you forgotten?”

“Happy birthday,” Damen grumbled, not letting go of the blankets.

“Enthusiastic.”

“Yeah, well, find someone functional.”

“You are the worst…”

“Just say boyfriend, Laurent,” Damen said.“It’s pretty easy to say.Two syllables.Hell, it’s even a compound word.”

“You sound functional.”

Digging deep, Damen found his well of patience and drew on it.Returning control of the blankets to Laurent, Damen shifted until they were facing each other.The irritation subsided at the sight of Laurent’s mussed hair and sleepy eyes.They smiled at each other and Laurent brushed his fingers through Damen’s hair.“Too bad your smile is so beautiful, really.I was about to kick you out of bed.”

“I still can’t believe you kicked me out of bed the morning after we first slept together.”

“That was not the first time.”

“As a couple.”

“I do not appreciate being elbowed in the stomach.”

“It was an accident.”

Laughing, Laurent slid forward and buried his face in Damen’s neck, pressing light kisses up and down the length of it.“Tell me you love me,” he whispered.

“I love you, darling.And happy birthday.”

“That sounded much more genuine.”

Humming, Damen threw an arm over Laurent’s waist and drew him in close, delighting in the lazy warmth that could only be achieved in a bed.Letting out a delighted laugh, Laurent withdrew his face from Damen’s neck and kissed his chin.“Someone’s turned on.”

“Ready and willing to rock your world whenever you want me to.”

“Well, that was appalling,” Laurent said, attempting to roll away.

Pulling him back, Damen said, “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Work.”

“Fuck work.It’s your birthday.Let’s stay in bed all day.Watch shitty movies and eat popcorn.We can make Nicaise our servant.”

“Yes, I’m sure he’d love that,” Laurent said, pinching Damen’s arm and wriggling away.“But, alas, I actually enjoy going to work.”

“One more minute.”

“Fine,” Laurent said, trying to sound disgruntled about it, but not quite pulling it off.“What would you like to do with your minute?”

Considering that, Damen cupped Laurent’s face and kissed him, without demand.Immediately, Laurent melted into it, following the directions of Damen’s hands and mouth.When the fluttering in his stomach relaxed enough for him to realize they both desperately needed to brush their teeth, Damen pulled away and said, “Can I ask you a question you’ll hate?”

“I suppose.”

“Did you have a crush on me in high school?”  The question had been plaguing him for days.

“Damen, do you really think I made it through your gym induced biceps unscathed?”

Sighing, Damen said, “I wish I’d known.We could’ve been doing this for ages.And, god, now that we’re doing it, I really wish we had been.”

“Are you…you had a crush on me?”

“Yeah.The summer before college.Until, well…”

“Until Auguste died, yes,” Laurent said, eyebrows furrowed as he thought about what he learned.Then he grinned and pecked Damen on the mouth.“Whatever is left of high school Laurent in me is quite pleased.That, in fact, is a lovely enough birthday present.”

“I got you a present, Laurent.”

“When will you learn.I don’t want you to buy me a thing.”

“Too bad.”

“You have gotten significantly more than a minute now.Will you let me go or do I have to resort to more drastic measures?” Laurent said.

“I’ll let you go.I need to get ready for work, too.”

“Would you like the shower first?”

Shaking his head, Damen kissed Laurent’s temple and then nuzzled his nose into Laurent’s hair.“No,” he whispered.“I’ll go make breakfast, instead.Any requests?”

“As long as there’s bacon, I’ll be satisfied.”

“I can do that.”

Neither one of them moved, though their conversation was over.Damen thought about pointing out that Laurent had no interest in breaking their cocoon of blankets either, but he knew that would be enough to spur Laurent to motion, so he stayed silent.Letting out a low, frustrated whine, Laurent lifted his head and kissed Damen softly, running his hands up the planes of Damen’s chest.It seemed an inevitable end when the kiss deepened and they lost most of their morning, neither showering, and both of them running around the house, getting ready in record time, eating pieces of poorly buttered toast.

 

When Damen got home from work, before Laurent to his surprise, he hung out with Jord and Nicaise, until Jord went home, and then picked Nicaise up and placed him on his shoulders, before he went up to his old bedroom and fetched Laurent’s present.He hadn’t wrapped it—that was not one of his skills—and he said, “What do you think, kid?Is he going to like it?”

“It looks boring.”

“That’s because it is boring.”

“So why would he like it?” Nicaise asked, resting his chin on top of Damen’s head.

“Because it doesn’t bore him.”

“Are you going to wrap it?”

“Probably not,” Damen said, picking it up, using one arm to hold both of Nicaise’s legs.

“You’re the lamest boyfriend ever.”

“Thanks.”

Heading back down the stairs, Nicaise gripping his hair and using it as makeshift reins, they entered the kitchen and Damen set to work on dinner, asking questions about Nicaise’s day, poking and prodding for answers he didn’t give easily, too frequently distracted by Damen’s phone, Nikandros sending a number of texts.

“This one says he’s going to kill you.Oh, and this one says he can’t believe you’ve disappeared when he’s just had sex with Jord.Gross.Why does he think you’d want to know that?”

“It’s just something we talk about,” Damen sighed, whisking the phone from Nicaise’s hands and stuffing it into his pocket.

“Why?”

“Honestly, kid, I don’t know.It’s a bit weird, isn’t it?”

Nodding exaggeratedly, Nicaise started kicking his legs against the counter and clucking his tongue.As Damen flipped the pork chops he was pan-searing, he considered giving Nicaise his phone back just to stop the noise, when the front door opened and Nicaise leapt from the stool, calling Laurent’s name.There was a burst of laughter and two excited voices and Damen smiled.This, right here, was what he’d always wanted and now he had it, really and truly.

They both came into the kitchen and Laurent beelined straight for him, rising to his tiptoes and kissing Damen on the cheek, before getting himself a glass of water.“When are we going to the arcade?” he asked, when he settled on the stool beside Nicaise, who was currently drinking over half of Laurent’s water.It was a move that would’ve gotten anyone else in serious trouble.

“I figured we’d just go after dinner,” Damen said.

“Very well,” Laurent replied, yawning into his hand.

“We could always save it for another day.”

Laurent waved the comment away, then noticed his present on the counter.Reaching across Nicaise, he picked it up, and said, “Are those supposed to be hair ties?”

“Nope.”

“Well that is good, because my hair is not quite that long.”

“Read the back of…”

“I’m having more fun guessing,” Laurent said, shooting Damen a small smile.Carefully, he examined the package.Then his eyebrows crinkled together, making Damen’s stomach warm.Sighing loudly, Laurent flipped the box over.“Oh, they’re bookmarks.I assume the little hands point to the exact line I stopped on?But you know I like to stop at the end of chapters, Damen.”

“This is more for the moments when your attention is diverted briefly.I know how much you hate leaving them face down and open.Bad for the spine, right?”

“Isn’t he the lamest boyfriend ever?” Nicaise said, snatching the bookmarks from Laurent’s hands and gazing at them forlornly.“They aren’t even expensive.”

There was a small frown at the word ‘boyfriend’ that Damen did not miss.It was the second time that day that Laurent had shied away from that word and Damen realized it bugged him.Maybe it was stupid, but it did.Of course that wasn’t enough for what they were, but there was something about the mundanity of it that Damen liked in his relationships.

But the frown transformed into a smile almost instantly and Laurent cupped Damen’s neck and kissed him, Nicaise making disgusted noises as he did.“Thank you, Damen.”

“Course.”

Damen could hear the way he was feeling in his voice and he went back to work on dinner, hoping Laurent wouldn’t notice.If he did, Damen didn’t know, because he wasn’t looking at him.There wasn’t time to feel uncomfortable, though, because Laurent and Nicaise immediately started bantering playfully with each other and Damen found himself laughing all the way through dinner, until Laurent asked Nicaise to do the dishes—Nicaise began to complain, unlikely to stop, but he did as he was asked—and Laurent left the kitchen, a few seconds later the front door opening.There wasn’t any noise suggesting it closed, though, and Damen knew he was supposed to follow.Sighing, Damen kissed Nicaise on top of the head on the way by, pointing out a spot he missed just to be irritating, and then went outside, closing the front door behind him.Laurent was sprawled on the top step, gazing at his garden.When he saw Damen, he said, “What was that?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Damen.”

“It’s not a big deal.”

“You know how I feel about your tendency to undermine your own problems,” Laurent said, staring him dead in the eye. 

Sitting down beside Laurent, Damen ran his hand through his hair, and said, “I don’t know what’s wrong, really.”

“I think you do.”

“Don’t fucking pressure me just because it takes me longer to understand what I’m feeling than it takes you.”

Letting out a breath, Laurent nodded.“Is there anything you can tell me?”

“You frowned.”

“What?”

“You frowned when Nicaise called me your boyfriend.”

There was a very long silence, one only interrupted by the soft clacking of Laurent’s fingernails as he dug the dirt out from underneath them.Then he glanced at Damen and there was nothing in his eyes, making Damen’s chest run cold, just as it always did.“That disturbs you, then?”

“It’s just a word, you know.”

“Just a word,” Laurent said.“Not to sound like the book lover I am, but words are rarely just words.”

“Is it really that weird?I kind of like it.I like that I can call you my boyfriend.I get that you’re more, I do.I get what you mean when you say the word doesn’t fit, but it also kind of does and it’s…it’s nice.”

The tension in the air only increased and Damen began to wonder if they were actually having a fight, when the front door opened and Nicaise poked his head out.  It was highly likely Damen was going to have to go back through the dishes, just to make sure the leftover grime was grime their dishwasher could handle.  “When are we going to the arcade?”

“Now,” Laurent said, standing.“Ready?”

“Yeah!”

“I’ll go get my wallet and the keys,” Damen sighed, feeling a constant and dull throb of irritation in his veins.Grabbing all he needed, he went back outside, locked up the house, and saw Laurent in the driver’s seat of the car.Damen got into the passenger seat and handed the keys over, neither one of them saying a word to each other.It stayed that way the entire drive, Nicaise and Damen talking while Laurent focused on the road and lived inside his head.

When they arrived at the arcade—a tired and second rate place, dear in it’s age—Laurent remained taciturn.At little automated booths, they exchanged money for tokens.Damen spent quite a bit of money, but it made Nicaise happy, smile bright as he gripped his ziploc of gold coins.Laurent had a similar one and he offered a smile to Nicaise, before walking off.Taking Damen’s hand, Nicaise said, “He’s mad at you, isn’t he?”

“Apparently,” Damen said.“Wish I knew why.”

“Can we go shoot those guns?”

“Sure.You aren’t going to win any tickets.It doesn’t shoot where you point.”

“That’s okay,” Nicaise shrugged.Together, they walked over and inserted coins, each picking up a gun and aiming for various tickets in a strange forest diorama with plastic owls.As they shot, Nicaise said, “Where do you think he went?”

“The Titanic game.”

“The what?”

“There’s a game here,” Damen said, “that has a small plastic Titanic that’s sinking in the middle of it.On the outside there’s a couple rings of lights and they light up one at a time, quickly, and they don’t stop until you press a button.”

“Oh yeah,” Nicaise said.“And if it’s in the right place, you win tickets.”

“Right.”

“Why that one?”

“He’s uncannily good at it,” Damen said.“And he loves to win.Especially when he’s in a bad mood.”

“He always loves to win.”

Laughing, Damen said, “You make a good point.”

The two of them went through a series of games, winning tons of tickets at a ball tossing game, when Nicaise whined, “It’s his birthday and we’re not with him.This is dumb.”

“He’s probably had enough alone time.Want to find him?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s go, then.”

Without thought, Damen wound through the diamond carpeted room, heading straight for the Titanic game, positive that Laurent hadn’t left yet.If he had, he would’ve come to find them.

Sure enough, there he was, a massive pile of tickets at his feet, his hand hanging lazily above the button, as he watched the light go around.Knowing it was best not to interrupt him, Damen held Nicaise back, who was dying to get to the tickets, likely wanting to know just how many were there.

In a burst of motion, Laurent’s hand came down on the button and he swore fluidly, only five tickets spitting out.“Swear jar!” Nicaise said cheerfully, before rushing forward and picking up all the tickets Laurent had managed so far.They took up both of his arms.“Wow!Damen was right.You are good at this.”

“Not terrible, anyway.”

Frowning, Nicaise shoved the tickets into Laurent’s arms and then poked him in the stomach.“We’re supposed to spend your birthday together.Stop being lame and hang out with us.I get you’re mad at Damen, but he loves you a lot, so get over it.”

“He told you I was mad?”

“I figured it out,” Nicaise said proudly.

Lifting his eyes to Damen’s, Laurent gazed at him for what felt like an eternity, before nodding.“What game do you want to play next?”

“That one,” Nicaise said, pointing and dragging Laurent with him.Taking a deep breath, Damen followed.

The rest of the night was relatively painless.Though they didn’t talk to each other much and it wasn’t what Damen had had in mind, Nicaise kept the mood positive, and there was more than one game where the competition got heated and there wasn’t a doubt in Damen’s mind that they were all having fun.Once their tokens ran out, they pooled all their tickets, fed them into a machine, and got a printed receipt of the number.Taking it to a counter filled with prizes, Laurent told Nicaise to pick whatever he wanted.Unexpectedly—Nicaise wasn’t one to refuse being spoiled—Nicaise shook his head.“It’s your birthday.You get all our tickets.You deserve them.”

Laurent’s mouth twitched in surprise, but he recovered quickly.He picked out a teddy bear, a couple of lollipops, and a set of plastic vampire teeth that he gave to Nicaise, insisting that it was his wish for Nicaise to have them.Then they left, driving home, Laurent laughing at Nicaise’s description of Damen’s inability to play the arcade’s version of Dance Dance Revolution.When he said, “I wish I’d seen it,” Damen knew some of the ice had thawed.

They got home and as they headed up the front steps, Nicaise said, “Don’t come back in until you’re better.”

“You can’t kick us out of the house, kid,” Damen said.

“Totally can.”

“Says who?”

“Me.”

“Hard to argue with that logic,” Damen laughed.

Surprisingly, Laurent didn’t argue.He found his water pail and began to fill it up with the outdoor hose.Nicaise disappeared inside and Damen sprawled onto the grass, knowing Laurent would come to him when he was ready.Forcing conversation out of Laurent was doable, but it was a last resort, because it would mean a serious fight.

Damen had no idea how long he laid there, watching as the day faded into twilight.But, eventually, Laurent found his way over and sat down beside Damen, crossing his legs.His fingers played with pieces of grass, occasionally tearing a blade up and tying it into knots.It was a gesture from a younger Laurent, one who’d felt insecure when revealing something to Damen.It had been a very long time since that had been true.

“It matters to you,” Laurent began.

“It does, I think.”

“Alright, then.”

“Tell me why you’re mad,” Damen said, wanting desperately to touch Laurent’s hands, stop them from fidgeting, but deciding that was an unwise move.

“It’s ridiculous.”

“Yeah, I still want to know.”

“I…”Laurent stopped, laughing.“I thought you’d know.Why the word boyfriend disturbed me.I forgot that we haven’t done this before and that you can’t possibly know these things, not about this part of my life.Getting upset about you not knowing something is rather idiotic, anyway.I’d rather not take you for granted like that.I do, though.It’s a bad habit.”

Damen shrugged.“We’ve known each other a long time.It’s not that strange.”

“You’re being kind.”

“Yeah, I do that.”

Laurent laughed softly and stopped playing with the grass, taking one of Damen’s hands into both of his.Bringing it up to his mouth, he kissed it, over and over again.

“You don’t want me to call you my boyfriend.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Does it matter?” Laurent said.

“Yeah.”

“It’s a possessive word.Or, rather, that’s how I’ve always perceived it.I realize that, inherently, it isn’t and that with you, that is not what it would be, but I…I’ve been treated as a possession before in my life and I don’t ever want to be again.”

Nodding, Damen said, “I guess I’ll call you my partner, then.”

“Don’t give up so easily.”

“Why not?It matters to you more and for good reason.”

“But…” Laurent began.

“But nothing,” Damen interrupted.“I accommodate for you and you accommodate for me.That’s always how it’s been.This is the same thing.”

Smiling, Laurent lowered himself all the way to the ground, keeping Damen’s hand in his.“Partner?” he said.

“Would you prefer main squeeze?Significant other?Oh, I’ve got a good one.My main bitch.”

Bursting into laughter, Laurent said, “Please, god, no.”

“Boy toy?Arm candy?Paramour?”

Laurent kept laughing and only when he stopped, did Damen raise himself up onto his elbow and hang over Laurent.With tenderness, he kissed Laurent’s forehead.“Or what about my better half?” he whispered.

“You are disgusting.”

“You love it.”

“I do not.I probably have grass stains on a perfectly lovely pair of jeans because of you,” Laurent said.

“I like the stains.”

“Yes, I forgot that turned you on.”

“I’m pretty sure you could be covered in a layer of dirt ten years old and I’d still be turned on.”

“We’ll get there,” Laurent said, pulling Damen down for a kiss.

“I know,” Damen said against his lips.“I’m really fucking excited.”

“Not impatient?”

“Too excited for that.”

Laughing softly, breaths puffing against Damen’s face, Laurent pulled Damen’s bottom lip into his mouth, properly silencing him, the sounds of the neighborhood turning in for the night humming around them.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is kind of...a lot. For a lot of reasons. Just be aware that Auguste dies and that I managed to trigger myself in the process, though that is in large part due to personal experiences than anything else.  
> As always, thank you. Right after I post this, I'll be slowly working through all the comments I've missed. Might take me hours but I'm determined.  
> And a huge thanks to Mari for being consistently wonderful.  
> Enjoy! <3

It was mid August, humid and hot, and Damen and Laurent had just left Kate and Auguste’s house, a tiny little place without a yard.As they walked, Damen took off his shirt and slung it over his shoulder, wishing they’d had the sense to drive.The walk was long enough—thirty minutes—and even though they’d left early in the morning, it was now afternoon and not at all comfortable.

Laurent, impeccably dressed as ever, seemed fine, however, even though a layer of sweat was visible on his forehead.Glancing at Damen, briefly getting distracted by his bare chest to Damen’s joy, Laurent said, “He’s so much bigger already.I don’t know how that’s possible.We saw him only a week ago.”

“It’s not like babies have much else to do besides grow.”

“Or cry,” Laurent said, wincing slightly, obviously remembering the first thirty minutes of their visit, which had mostly involved them sitting on the couch in silence as Auguste and Kate ran around, trying to sate Nicaise’s needs.Kate was much better at it, but Auguste never stopped trying, to his credit.

“At least he loves you.”

“You must scare him.I do believe your bicep is bigger than his entire body.”

Laughing, Damen said, “Bigger than his head, anyway.”

“It’s practically bigger than my head.”

“Been checking out my biceps?”

“You are irritating,” Laurent said, digging his fingernail into Damen’s dimple.They were both a little flushed, fully aware that Laurent had avoided answering the question entirely.“That being said, can I spend the day with you?I’d rather not see my uncle today.It’s not a good day for that.”

“Sure.I’ve got to run some errands for my mom, but other than that, I’m doing nothing.”

“Errands it is.I’m much better at them than you, anyway.”

“Probably helps to actually read the list instead of pretending you have the whole thing memorized.”

“Yes.Why do you do that?” Laurent asked.

“Too lazy to take it out and double check everything.I don’t do too bad all things considered.”

“I suppose not.”

Reaching down and taking Laurent’s hand, Damen held it tightly, not concerning himself with the sweat quickly building between their palms.He was sure Laurent was going to protest, but he didn’t, instead returning the grip just as fiercely.Then the words came, echoing the fierceness of their fingers digging into the gaps between knuckles.“I can’t believe summer is already almost over,” Damen murmured.It was something that had been gnawing at him for days.“Another fucking year away from you…when are you leaving again?”

“Three days.”

“Great.”

“Let’s all remember that you were the one that insisted I go to the East Coast.”

“I was trying to be selfless.”

“I know,” Laurent sighed, “And I wouldn’t regret getting as far away from this place as possible if it weren’t for you.”

“Well, at least we know we can survive.”

“Apparently, that requires three hour Skype sessions at least twice a week.”

“Fuck yeah it does.”

Smiling, Laurent swung their linked hands.They kept sneaking glances at each other, as they had been all summer, and it worried Damen.One of them was bound to crack eventually and he wasn’t sure he could handle the consequences of that. 

That was how the spent the rest of the walk home.When they got to Damen’s, sighing happily at the feel of clean, cold air on their skin, they were greeted by Damen’s dad, who was messing around with the TV, Kastor watching on without moving a finger to help.He did manage to say hello, as least, but it was half-hearted.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” Damen asked.

“Fired,” Kastor mumbled.

“What the hell did you do this time?”

“Flipped off a customer.”

“Jesus.”

“They were being a dick.”

“Son, there’s a time and place,” Damen’s dad said sternly, unplugging a cord from the cable modem and plugging it back in.Nothing happened.Damen was going to have to fix that tonight.Both of his parents were hopeless with technology.

“You’ve said that three times, Dad.Still say she deserved it.”

“What did she do?” Laurent asked curiously.

“Wanted to return something she’d bought at an entirely different store.God, she was so fucking obstinate, too.I don’t have time to put up with shit like that.”

“If you couldn’t come back here, you would have to,” Damen’s dad said.

“But I can come back here.”

“When will your mom let me kick you out?”

“It’s fucking lucky she loves me, I guess.”

“Christ, son, you know I love you.But there’s lessons you need to…”

Sighing, Damen whispered, “Let’s go upstairs.”With a nod, Laurent followed.They ended up in his room, most of it still littered with boxes he hadn’t ever taken the time to properly unpack, figuring it was largely a waste of time.Once the door was closed, they no longer heard the bickering and Laurent slumped down on the bed, his legs hanging over the side.

“Weren’t we running errands?” he asked.

“I figured we could cool down a bit first.”

“Oh, thank god.”

Laughing, Damen laid down beside Laurent, their hands falling together.Without a thought, Damen intertwined his fingers with Laurent’s, slender and long.Slowly running his thumb up and down Damen’s, Laurent whispered, “Wake me when you want to go.The sun makes me tired.”Within minutes, he was out, bangs fanned across his forehead.Damen made sure to sweep them away before he carefully detached himself, looking to create a little distance.

 

An hour later, he woke Laurent and they went to do their errands, mostly grocery shopping and filling up the car with gas.When they were done, they stacked all the bags in the kitchen, unpacked them, and then disappeared down to the basement.They turned the TV on, but didn’t watch, instead stretching out the last bit of time they had left, talking lazily, like the bees in summer, bumbling and weaving.

As they talked, they drooped further into the couch, until their shoulders were pressed together, one of Laurent’s legs was over Damen’s, and their faces were close enough together that it was hard to focus on more than the other’s eyes. 

“You will check in on Auguste, won’t you?” Laurent murmured.“I know he’s been parenting for over a year now, but I still don’t trust him with a child.”

“And you trust me with one?”

“Two idiots is better than one.”

“Oh, really?” Damen said, laughing.As he did, he let his head rest on Laurent’s shoulder.But when he stopped laughing, he didn’t move.He simply didn’t have the strength to.There was only so much resisting he could manage in a day and besides, this was relatively innocent.

Cautious fingers, ghosting over skin, slipped over the nape of Damen’s neck.Jerking up, meeting Laurent’s eyes, Damen felt the mood shift abruptly into something tense and brimming with anticipation, words unsaid, and hope.In a whisper, Laurent said, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”

“Really?” Damen breathed.

“Yes.I think it’s high time I get it over with as it’s getting rather ridiculous.”Taking a deep breath, Laurent began to speak, when his phone rang.Briefly, he closed his eyes, than slipped his hand from Damen’s neck and accepted the call, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on the wall.

Internally groaning, Damen thunked his head back against the couch and watched basketball players run up and down the court.Beside him, Laurent was hardly making a sound, only occasionally giving acknowledgements that he was listening.Then he hung up and it was still silent and Damen tore his eyes away from the TV.

Instantly, he knew something was wrong.Laurent’s eyes were blank, his mouth in a thin line, and every aspect of his body was singing with tension, ready to snap at any moment.When Damen reached out to touch him, he flinched away violently.Damen’s first thought was that his uncle had called, but it had been a long time since that man had threatened or upset Laurent quite this directly. 

When Laurent stood abruptly and disappeared into the bathroom, Damen knew it was worse.Whatever that phone call had been about, it was bad.Trusting his instincts, Damen got up and knocked on the door of the bathroom softly.Keeping his voice low, he said, “Hey, I’m right out here, right against this wall, and I’ll be here all night, if you need me.”Then he lowered himself to the ground and leaned against the wall right across from the door, just as he’d promised.

To his surprise, the door was open seconds later, whatever composure that had slipped in the bathroom back in place.“I need you to drive me to the hospital.”

“Okay.”

“Now.”

“I got it,” Damen said, standing and hurrying upstairs, finding his keys and wallet and giving a rushed explanation to his parents, before racing out the door.Laurent was already in the passenger seat of the car by the time he got there, buckled in, and completely still.Feeling his heart beating furiously, Damen took a moment to collect himself before he stuck the key in the ignition, twisted, and then backed out of the driveway, in the bad position of wanting to stare at Laurent more than he wanted to stare at the road.Something was wrong.Very wrong.And, selfishly, a part of Damen also wanted to return to the couch, where it felt like something had been about to happen.

His anxiety only increased the closer they got to the hospital.Laurent hadn’t yet explained what was happening, but it was likely it had something to do with Auguste, since there wasn’t anyone else Laurent cared about enough to act like this. 

When they were stopped at a red light, Laurent glaring at it as though it was personally harming him, Damen said, “I know this has something to do with Auguste.I care about him too, you know.Tell me what’s going on.Please.”

“Drive.”

“Laurent…”

“The light is green.”

Sighing, Damen stepped on the accelerator.“You’re being a selfish bastard, you know.”

“Talking is not driving.”

“I can do both at the same time.Crazy, isn’t it?”

Letting out a low growl, Laurent said, “If I tell you, you will stop driving and I cannot have that happen.Leave it.”

“It’s that bad?”

Choosing not to answer that, Laurent gazed out the window.Trying to tamp down on his anger, relatively confident Laurent wouldn’t be purposefully cruel to him, not without good reason, Damen did as he was asked, focusing solely on getting them to the hospital as quickly as possible.

Once they did, Laurent threw open the door, even though they were still moving.Jolting to a stop, Damen said, “Don’t you dare go in there without telling me what’s going on first.Don’t you fucking dare.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Be really, really mad at you.Throw another ‘really’ in there for good measure.”

Staring at Damen, eyes inflectionless, Laurent said, “Auguste and Kate were in a car crash.Kate is dead.Auguste is in critical condition.”

“What?” Damen whispered.

Laurent didn’t say another word.He got out of the car, leaving Damen alone to find a parking spot, to find the room where Auguste was, to figure out a single goddamn thing that was going on.It hurt.Though that hurt was nothing compared to the words that had just ripped through him, leaving everything a jumbled mess.Laurent couldn’t lose Auguste.He couldn’t lose Auguste.

And Kate.

What about Nicaise?Motherless.

What about Auguste, if he lived?

What of their family, of what they’d carefully built, after so much tragedy?

Swearing loudly, Damen slammed his fist into the wheel, and then hunched over it, not crying, not ready for that yet, not until Auguste was alive or dead, but wondering how exactly he was supposed to drive this car, how he was supposed to walk, how he was supposed to look Laurent in the face, when everything had shifted so spectacularly.

Nothing was going to be the same.It already wasn’t.

After parking the car, Damen did something he hadn’t done in a long time, not like this, not because he needed her.He called his mom.

“What’s up, son?”

“Dad.Uh…hey.Can I talk to Mom?”

“Am I not cool enough for you?”

“Dad.”

“Hey,” his dad said, voice growing softer.“You alright?”

“No.”

“One Mom on the way.That’ll be seven dollars.”When Damen didn’t laugh, his dad sighed.“Wow, not even in the mood for jokes.Alright.Here’s your mom.”

“Darling?Are you alright?”

Letting out a shaky breath, Damen said, “No.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I…uh…Auguste and Kate.And Laurent is a mess and…”

“Okay,” his mom said, as though that collection of words had made sense to her.“What about Auguste and Kate?”

“Kate’s dead.Auguste might die.Auguste might…”

“Oh, sweetheart,” his mom whispered.“Do you want me to come to the hospital?”

“No, I…what the fuck is happening?What in the actual fuck is happening, Mom?This is not how life’s supposed to go.How am I supposed to face Laurent?I know I have to, because he needs me, but I don’t…I don’t know what to do.What do I do?”

“Well, first, you worry about yourself.Not Laurent, but yourself.Are we clear on that?”

“Okay.”

“And once you’re okay, you find Laurent and you trust yourself.I’ve known that boy most of his life and I know that there’s no one who knows him better than you.”

“Okay,” Damen said.

“And when you’re ready, you come home and you let me take care of you for awhile.”

“Okay.”

“Good.What else do you need?”

“Tell me it’s going to be okay.Just tell me.I don’t care if it’s a lie,” Damen whispered, his voice cracking.

“It’s going to be okay.You are going to be okay.Laurent is going to be okay.”

Nodding to himself, Damen sniffled, and ran his thumbs underneath his eyes, clearing the tears that were about to spill over.“Okay,” he mumbled under his breath over and over again, until he was together enough to move, together enough to desperately need any and all information on Auguste’s condition.“I should go, Mom.”

“Call me if you need anything else, alright?”

“Yeah.”

“I love you.”

“Love you, too,” Damen mumbled, ending the call.He put his phone in his pocket, fumbling with shaky fingers, before getting out of the car.In a sort of daze, he made it into the hospital, asked where he could wait for news of Auguste, and found Laurent there, a little waiting room with a few TVs and a lot magazines.He was straight-backed in a chair, staring down at his hands.Grabbing the chair beside him, Damen took Laurent’s hand, tightening his grip when Laurent flinched.When he glanced at Laurent to make sure it was alright, Laurent’s bottom lip wobbled slightly.

“He hasn’t woken up,” Laurent whispered.“Not since they found him.Serious head injury, apparently.If he doesn’t wake up by tomorrow, they…they don’t think he ever will.”

“Will he wake up?”

“They don’t know.”

“Shit,” Damen said.“Can I…I don’t suppose I can see him?”

“Probably not.”

“Can you?”

Laurent nodded.“Technically.”

“You haven’t.”

“No.”

“You should go.”

Laurent shook his head, eyes distant.Knowing better than to argue, Damen let the chair hold his weight, closing his eyes.Hadn’t there been enough of this in his and Laurent’s life?Hadn’t there been enough normal days turned earth shattering? 

Bolting up, Damen said, “Nicaise.”

Laurent’s face paled, but he didn’t say a word.Still, Damen knew what he was thinking.Laurent was the kid’s godfather and if Auguste died…oh god.They were both still in college.Laurent was barely nineteen years old. 

Then there was the fact that his mother was dead and his father was dying and he had no idea.He was at home, presumably with a babysitter, having no knowledge of the incident.Not that he would understand it, but Damen felt like Nicaise deserved to see his father, just in case he never woke.In a voice infinitely more calm than he felt, Damen said, “I’m going to go get Nicaise.”

“Don’t leave.”

“He should be here.”

“Damen, he is not even two years old.”

“But…”

“Don’t.Leave,” Laurent said harshly.

“Okay,” Damen whispered.“Okay.I won’t.”

“Ever.”

“I won’t ever leave.”

Nodding, Laurent let out a breath and clenched Damen’s hand harder.Confident they would be hear all night, just in case Auguste woke up, or in case he didn’t, Damen texted his mom and informed her what was happening as he knew it.She showed up two hours later with food, blankets, books, and warm drinks.When it was obvious Laurent didn’t want her around—Damen was honestly amazed that Laurent wanted him around—she left, kissing Damen on the top of the head and looking Laurent straight in the eye and telling him she loved him and that he would always have a family, no matter what.

Neither he or Laurent were particularly hungry or capable of focusing, but Damen tried, aware that it was good for him.Picking through a sandwich and sipping absentmindedly on the coffee, Damen gazed at Laurent, who was utilizing none of the gifts.

Another hour or so later, Laurent stood abruptly and said, “I’m going to go see him.Come with me.”

“I’m not…”

“Now.”

“Alright,” Damen said, gathering all of their more valuable things, leaving the rest behind, and followed Laurent through a set of doors.He led him into a room not far down the hall and there Auguste was, scrapes and bruises everywhere, looking tired and so young.He was breathing and his heart was beating, but it didn’t look as though he was going to wake anytime soon.Dropping his eyes to the floor, Damen focused on breathing.

Laurent’s hand left his.That pulled Damen out of his descent into panic.He watched as Laurent circled the bed and then sat on the edge at the end.“You fucking asshole,” Laurent said, voice filled with barely contained rage.“You can’t leave me.You can’t.”

 

But Auguste didn’t wake.And Laurent shattered while Damen watched, absolutely helpless.

 

Seven Years Later

 

“Double date?”

“Yeah.”

“I mean, I’m down,” Damen said.“I’ll have to ask Laurent, though.”

“Can’t you just say yes for him?” Nikandros asked.

“You know I can’t.I’ve never been able to do that.”

“Why the fuck not?You know his schedule.You know like literally every aspect of his goddamn life.Why the hell would he care?”

“Sometimes he can’t do stuff like this,” Damen responded.“And that’s not something I can know.Besides, he loves saying no.It’s one of his favorite words.I’m not going to deny him the opportunity to say it.”

“So dating him gives you no privileges.”

“Dating him is privilege enough.”

Groaning, Nikandros said, “Please, dude.Please.Jord really wants to do it and I’m kind of obsessed with him and what he wants and I’m like eighty percent sure if I have to call him after this and tell him that it’s not going to happen, I will break my own goddamn heart, and I have to call him because I haven’t talked to him all day and it’s my one break and I really, really need to hear his voice. _Need_ to, Damen.”

“Sounds like love, Nik.”

“Please shut the fuck up.”

“Just saying,” Damen laughed.When Nikandros didn’t join in, Damen sighed and ran his fingers through his sweaty hair.The days were hot enough that on jobs where houses didn’t have air conditioning, he was sweating within minutes.“Okay, how about this?I’ll try and call him at work.”

“He hates when you call him at work.”

“Yes he does.”

“That’s nice of you.”

“It is.”Then he grinned at himself and said, “Okay, honestly, I don’t think he’ll mind.He’s pretty consistently in a good mood these days.”

“Gross.”

“Have I mentioned that I’m absolutely besotted?”

“Fancy word.”

“He deserves a fancy word.”

“And this is quickly branching off into a topic of discussion I did not sign up for,” Nikandros said.“Call the bastard and let me know.In the next fifteen minutes, ideally.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Thanks, man.”

“Anything for you, Nik.”

“Save that for Laurent,” Nikandros said, voice finally fond instead of irritated.Then the phone went dead.Scrolling through his contacts, Damen found Laurent’s name and pressed on the phone icon, letting his head fall back onto the headrest of his van.He was already smiling.

“What?” Laurent asked flatly when he answered.

“Hey, partner,” Damen said, doing an incredibly bad southern accent.

“If you don’t tell me what this is about in the next five seconds, I will hang up on you. _Partner_.”

“Rude.”

The connection ended, leaving Damen open-mouthed and laughing.Confident that Laurent would pick up if he called again, he did so, unable to stop himself from laughing when Laurent did, on the very last ring.“I do like having a job, Damen.This better be something more than calling so you can giggle at me.”

“Would you really mind?”

Laurent huffed, but didn’t respond.Laughing harder, Damen could practically feel Laurent’s growing irritation through the phone.Staving off laughter long enough to insist he did have something to talk about, Damen laughed for awhile longer.“Sorry, sorry,” he said, wiping his eyes clear.

“It’s fine.”

“Really?”

“I quite like your laugh.”

Humming in pleasure, Damen let the silence linger for a moment, enjoying the mix of exasperation and affection he could hear in it, before he said, “Nik wants us to go on a date tonight with him and Jord.”

“Alright.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes, Damen.How many times do I need to repeat myself in a conversation?”

Grinning, Damen lowered his voice and said, “We’re going on a date.”

“Another first for us.”

“I’m really liking all of these firsts.”

“Me too,” Laurent said.“Very much so.Now, I have to get back to work.I’ll be home before you, I expect.Have a good rest of your day.”

“Love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Want to repeat yourself again?”

Laughing, Laurent hung up the phone.Calling Nikandros back, Damen informed him they were in the clear.Nikandros was going to text him the details later, though it was likely pointless, Jord more than capable of filling Laurent in when he got home.That’s when it occurred to Damen.Pulling his car back off the road, he called Laurent again.

“Oh my god, Damen, I love you, alright?I swear.”

“Thanks, babe, but that’s not it.Nicaise.”

“Nicaise,” Laurent sighed.

“Yeah.”

“Being in love with you is very distracting,” Laurent said, sounding disapproving.It would’ve hurt if Damen wasn’t thinking the exact same thing.They had both briefly forgotten about their kid.Well, Laurent’s kid. _Oh, fuck it,_ Damen thought to himself, _he’s your kid as much as he’s Laurent’s._

“We can’t find someone to babysit that quickly,” Damen said.

There was a painfully long silence.Then Laurent grumbled, “What about Jokaste?”

“Wow, you must really want to go out with me.”

“I don’t like her, but I trust her with Nicaise.”

“You do?”

“Do you?”

“Yes,” Damen said without a thought.“With Nicaise, yes.”

“Then so do I.”

“Okay.”

“Okay,” Laurent said definitively.

“Is that…weird for you?”

“I am not talking about my feelings while I’m sitting at my desk at work.We can talk about it when you get home, if you really feel the need to.Does that satisfy you?”

“Yeah.”

“Good,” Laurent said, ending the call.Rolling his eyes, Damen shot him a heart emoji and then sent a couple of texts to Jokaste, outlining the situation.Once that was done, he returned to work, glad for the date, despite the general unpleasantness that could come from involving Jokaste.At least it had been Laurent’s idea instead of his.

 

When he got home, Laurent and Nicaise were on the couch in the living room, talking quietly.The second Damen was through the door and had removed his shoes, Nicaise was barreling into him.“I really get to see Jokaste tonight?”

“I thought you hated her.”

Nicaise shrugged.“You’re fine now and she’s really fun to play with.She does voices.”

“That’s good of her.”

“Better than you two losers.”

“Did you just call me a loser?” Damen laughed, scooping Nicaise up into his arms and carrying him over to the couch.He laid him down, lifted his shirt, and blew a raspberry onto his stomach.Giggling, Nicaise tried to beat him away, but Damen got in two more before he pretended to surrender.Then they both encroached on Laurent’s space, demanding his attention.Smiling softly, Laurent turned Damen’s face with a finger and kissed him once.

“You want to talk,” he said when he pulled away.

“Are you okay with this?Really okay?”

“Yes, Damen.I am.How I feel about her is…complicated, but I don’t think she’s a bad person.I find it infuriating that I can’t believe that about her, but I can’t.I don’t like deluding myself.”

“Was that so hard?” Damen asked, smiling.

“Is this a jealousy thing?” Nicaise asked.“Because that would be stupid.”

“Not a jealousy thing,” Damen replied.“I don’t think.”

“No,” Laurent said, twirling one of Damen’s curls around his finger.“I know better than that.”

“Better get ready for our date, then.”

“Oh, I am ready.You, on the other hand, need a shower.”

“Do I smell?”

“Yes,” Laurent said.

“Badly,” Nicaise added.“It’s okay, though.We still love you.”

Laughing, Damen ruffled Nicaise’s hair.Then he untangled himself from the couch and went to go take a shower.

 

Once dressed, he headed back downstairs.Twenty feet from the living room, he heard Jokaste’s voice.Taking a deep breath, Damen sped up and entered, smiling at everyone, as though that would somehow ease the tension that was present in the air.

Surprisingly, the tension did ease, though it wasn’t from his smile.It was what he was wearing.Both Jokaste and Laurent were staring at him, the conversation stalling.Jokaste was the first to speak.“Are you serious?On our six month anniversary you wear one of those appalling Hawaiian shirts and this is what Laurent gets?I’m honestly offended.”

“I’d kind of forgotten to do laundry before our anniversary,” Damen said bashfully.“Sorry.”

“I didn’t know you could put together an acceptable outfit,” Laurent said.

“Surprise.”

Jokaste choked out a laugh and said, “Well, the two of you had better get going.It will take you at least fifteen minutes to get to the restaurant Jord picked out.Oh, and make sure you order dessert.They have fabulous dessert.”

“Noted,” Laurent said, standing and kissing Nicaise on top of his head.“I love you.I would say behave, but I’m sure Jokaste can handle anything.”

“Try and behave, though,” Damen added.

“Okay!” Nicaise said brightly.“Have fun.”

Laurent walked over to Damen, grabbed his hand, and started pulling him towards the front door.Obligingly, Damen followed, murmuring, “He’s going to wait up for us, isn’t he?”

“Definitely.There’s nothing I can do about that.”

“God, he’s adorable.”

“I’m glad you think so,” Laurent said absentmindedly, picking up the car keys from their place by the front door. 

Once they got to the car, Damen was about to walk to the passenger side, when Laurent slammed him up against the driver’s side and kissed him hard, fingers digging into his neck.Heat spread from his mouth throughout his body and Damen folded Laurent into his arms, tugging him closer.Laurent’s fingers slipped off his neck, down his chest, and underneath his shirt, finding their way back up his chest.Breath stuttering, Damen broke the kiss and hung his head, still holding Laurent as close as he could.Undeterred, Laurent's lips trailed along his jaw, to the thin skin behind his ear.In a whisper that could only be described as husky, Laurent said, “I am getting you out of these clothes tonight.”

“Fucking hell,” Damen choked out.“It’s just some jeans, a v-neck, and a blazer.”

“It’s unbelievably attractive.”

“If this is why people care about clothes, I’m beginning to understand.”

Returning his lips to Damen’s mouth, Laurent kissed him longer, with more tongue, and less earnestness.“We should probably go,” he murmured after.

“Yeah, we should.”

“That was entirely unconvincing.”

“Probably because my brain likes the idea of driving to an abandoned parking lot and having sex in the back of your car a lot better.”

“Nobody is having sex in my car,” Laurent said.

“I know.”

“I’m not even sure…”

“Laurent,” Damen said.“I know.”

“I suppose you do,” Laurent said, stepping back and gently shoving Damen away from the door.For a second, they looked at each other, and Damen started to laugh.He was still getting used to this thing between them and though it surprised him less that he wanted to kiss Laurent for hours each day, he was still sometimes caught off guard.

Laurent laughed, too, murmuring incredulously about sex in the back of his car.They parted ways and got settled in the car.As Laurent started it, he said, “Have you even had sex in a car before?”

“Oh my god, I didn’t tell you about my attempt at car sex?”

“I don’t think so, no.”

“It’s a good story,” Damen said.“Because car sex is fucking hard.That probably doesn’t surprise you.”

“Not at all.”

By the time they got to the restaurant, they had both been laughing for so long that their abs ached.

 

Both dinner and dessert were nice.Damen and Laurent sat on one side of the table while Jord and Nikandros sat on the other.Though they were all dressed up and eating good food, it wasn’t any different from a normal hang out.Not at all.They weren’t more focused on their dates, they just laughed and filled each other in on their lives.

Still, the restaurant made it feel special and by the time their wine bottle was empty and they were all slowly making their way through their desserts, Damen rested his hand on Laurent’s thigh and kissed him softly on the temple, the first very blatant PDA of the evening.Laurent turned his head ever so slightly and murmured, “And what did I do to deserve that?”

“Exist.”

“I’ve existed for a number of years, you know.”

“And I should’ve been kissing you for more of them,” Damen said.

Laurent smiled angelically.It was distracting enough that Damen did not notice the small square of cake in Laurent’s fingertips, not until it was being lathered into his cheek, crumbs falling all over his lap.As Laurent watched him, he laughed, and then licked his fingers clean, keeping his eyes on Damen’s as he did.

“I can’t believe you just wasted perfectly good cake.”

“It was worth it,” Laurent said.

Nikandros cleared his throat loudly, breaking what almost certainly would’ve been a minor food fight.“Kind of nice place, guys.Let’s not get kicked out.”

“It’s his fault,” Damen grumbled.

“You should’ve been less disgusting.”

“You like when I’m disgusting.Shoving cake into my face is not very good incentive, you know.”

“You’ll still do it.It’s irresistible, complimenting me.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s not,” Nikandros said.Jord still hadn’t talked, too busy staring between the two of them.

Then, he said, “You two got used to your relationship pretty quickly.”

Laurent blushed vibrantly, quickly flipping Jord off.Then he said, “So did the two of you,” gesturing towards their linked hands on top of the table.

“Yes, well…”

“Easy to like me,” Nikandros grinned.

“It is,” Jord smiled.“Especially when you stare at me like I hung all the stars in the sky.”

“You hung all the stars in my sky, baby.”

Damen groaned.“Jesus, Nik, didn’t I teach you anything?That fell firmly into the cheesy category.”

“You taught him how to flirt?” Jord asked, eyes bright.

“I did.”

“You did not.”

“I totally did, Nik.Remember?It was freshman year of college and you rushed into the room, blabbering about some girl in your writing class, and you didn’t know how to talk to her, and I coached you through many options, including flirting.We role-played.”

“Ugh,” Nikandros said.“Jord is going to tease me about this all night.”

“Yes, I am,” Jord said.

“To teasing Nikandros,” Laurent said, raising his water glass.Not long after, they bid each other farewell, and split ways, Jord leaning on Nikandros, not because he was drunk but because he was falling in love.Damen probably would’ve stayed until he couldn’t have seen the two of them any longer—it meant a lot to him to see Nikandros so happy—but Laurent gently lead him away, rubbing circles into the back of his hand with his thumb.

They took the long way home, not quite ready for the night to be over.

 

When they finally got back, Nicaise was sitting there by the door, half-asleep, leaning against Jokaste’s shoulder.She was stroking his hair and singing a lullaby of some kind, and he didn’t stir, not even when the front door was closed and shoes were off.Quietly, Damen thanked Jokaste, offered her some money, which she refused, and saw her out the door.When he turned back around, Laurent and Nicaise were gone, likely off to his room.So that was where Damen went, tramping up the stairs on the tips of his toes.

Standing in the open door, Damen watched as Laurent tucked Nicaise in, murmuring something to him, before kissing him on the forehead.“I love you, kid,” Damen whispered into the room, before heading back down the stairs to their bedroom, slowly undressing.Though Laurent had said he wanted to do it, the night had shifted into something silken and formless on the drive home, like a Bon Iver song, and Damen wasn’t sure what to expect anymore, which was perfectly alright.

Laurent showed up a minute or two later, his shirt halfway unbuttoned.He glanced up at Damen and paused in the doorway.Neither of them spoke and neither of them looked away.The world narrowed to the two of them and it was a molasses world, lackadaisical and dreamy.Moving towards Laurent, Damen slid a hand around his neck and bent down to kiss him, without rush or destination.Laurent kissed back, loosely gripping Damen’s wrist.“Do you want this?” Damen murmured, nudging his nose against Laurent’s.

Laurent nodded, walking them towards the bed.His hands traveled over the planes of Damen’s chest, pausing in some places to dig fingers in, before undoing the button of Damen’s jeans, slowly unzipping them, the clicking of the metal loud in the room.

Damen’s legs hit the bed and he let himself fall, keeping himself propped up on his elbows so he could watch Laurent remove his jeans and underwear.Shooting him a small smile, Laurent kissed Damen’s ankle once they were off, then slid his hands up Damen’s legs, hips, chest, until he was straddling Damen on his hands and knees.Before they kissed, Laurent whispered, “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever touched, you know.”

How long they kissed, Damen didn’t know, but each article of Laurent’s clothing had been removed as they did, had to have been, because all Damen’s hands were ever met with was skin, warm and smooth.When Damen had imagined doing this, he’d always imagined a heady rush of arousal, an undeniable spark, the inability to stop and contemplate, too ready to give Laurent everything he could.But this wasn’t that and it was always going to be this.Every movement, every glance, every whispered word was heavy and laced with more emotion than Damen could comprehend.In a lot of ways, it felt like a culmination of the years, of what they’d been to each other, of what they were going to be.

Every step of the way, Damen checked in, made sure Laurent was okay.Sometimes, they stopped, Laurent putting a hand over his eyes, mumbling a few choice curse words, and they would only continue once Damen got him to laugh, loudly and without restraint.

But it was perfect.Whether they were rutting slowly, Laurent’s breathing hitched and ragged, his face flushed, or Damen was working him open with two fingers, going until Laurent urged him to get on with it, a mix of irritation and pure want on his face.When Damen pushed in, he kissed Laurent lazily, holding still until Laurent’s fingers clenched around the small of his back and he pled with him to move, voice strong and steady, letting Damen know he was present and not lost in memories of the past.They were like waves as they moved, ebbing and flowing, continuous and elemental, like their beating hearts.The rise of Damen’s orgasm snuck up on him and he breathed Laurent’s name as it crested, burying his face in Laurent’s neck.When he began to feel like himself again, he slid down Laurent’s body, kissing everything he could, making Laurent laugh, and finished Laurent with his mouth, coaxing him to orgasm even when Laurent wasn’t confident it could happen.

Afterwards, Laurent cleaned them up.Then he crawled back into bed and tangled their legs together, his breath puffing against Damen’s chest.They didn’t talk for a long time, unable to process what they had done, how singularly intimate it had been. 

Sometime later, Laurent whispered, “I didn’t know it could be like that.”

“I didn’t, either.”

“Didn’t you?”

“No,” Damen said, closing his eyes, listening to Laurent breathe. 

“I’m not entirely sure I did anything.”

“Didn’t have to.”

“You sound tired,” Laurent said.

“I’m not, really.It’s just easy to fall asleep like this.”

Laurent hummed in acknowledgement, running his nose up Damen’s chest to his shoulder.Then he started to hum a song, the melody wandering and sweet.It wasn’t something Damen recognized, but when he asked, Laurent refused to tell him.

“Too soft for you?”

Pausing in the song, Laurent said, “I do have a reputation to maintain.”

“What reputation?”

Laurent slapped him playfully, taking the song back up.He kept repeating it when he reached the end and Damen listened.He’d always loved Laurent’s voice, well-pitched and pure.It didn’t have depth or volume, but Damen couldn’t sing at all, so that was impressive enough to him. 

The song reminded him of the night, as he expected it did for Laurent, and all of the images coalesced into one question, one thought, and Damen voiced it before it could get away, before he could convince himself it was a dumb thing to say.“Why aren’t we married?”

“What?” Laurent asked, the song coming to an abrupt end.

“Why aren’t we?What are we waiting for?”

“It’s been weeks, Damen.”

“Who the fuck cares?” Damen asked, trailing his fingers up and down Laurent’s spine.“This is where we’re meant to be.We’ve both known it for years, I know we have.”

“Are you proposing to me?”

“Yeah.I think I am.”

Laughing, Laurent kissed Damen’s shoulder and then his neck, before raising himself up on an elbow and running a finger down Damen’s cheek.“Okay.”

“Really?I kind of thought you’d hate the idea.It’s not practical.It’s an antiquated ceremony of ownership.It’s…”

“Don’t try to talk me out of it now,” Laurent interrupted, kissing the corner of Damen’s mouth.

“Why?”

“Because marrying you is inevitable.”

“And?” Damen asked, sensing there was more.

“And I would’ve married you yesterday.”

“But why?”

“It matters to you.It matters to you more than it matters to me.”

“I’m not sure it…”

Laurent placed a finger over his mouth.“Don’t lie to me, you idiot.You are allowed to want what you want and I happen to know all you’ve dreamed about since you were fourteen and impressionable was someday being married, having kids, and living in your house with a white picket fence.”

“It’s not what you want.”

“I don’t know about that,” Laurent murmured, lying back down.“I don’t know about that at all.”


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to whose plot is it anyway where no one wants to take the credit and timelines don't matter  
> In summary, that seven years later is a very dubious seven years....*shrugs* This is why I write instead of doing math  
> As always, a huge thank you to all of you delightful readers who keep coming back for more. I'd also like to add this time around that we are close to finished. Two chapters left? Three? Something like that  
> Anyway, thank you to Mari as well. I continue to suck, but your existence makes my life infinitely easier  
> Enjoy! <3

Damen was bouncing Nicaise on his lap when Laurent got home from class, expression as distinctly empty as always.Silently, he padded around the apartment, dropping his bag on the floor, and getting himself a snack and a cup of water, before collapsing on the couch beside them.He kissed Nicaise on the forehead, watched what they were watching until his snack was gone, and then rose, disappearing into his bedroom.Cradling Nicaise into his chest, breathing him in for a moment or two, trying to find balance, Damen followed Laurent, pushing open the door without knocking.Even if he had knocked, Laurent wouldn’t have answered him.He’d figured that out weeks ago.

“Hey,” he said.“I’m going to go home.I’ve got work in an hour.”

Nodding, Laurent sat up on his bed and took Nicaise into his arms.

“How was class?”

“Fine.”

“That’s good,” Damen said, ruffling his hair.This kind of conversation wasn’t even awkward anymore.It was simply all Laurent could manage and Damen wasn’t going to force him into anything.Maybe he would’ve once, but the death of Auguste had hit him hard, too.Most days he only had the energy to do what he had to do and then he collapsed into bed for a couple hours and woke to do it all again the next day.

“Have a nice time at work.”

“Yeah.Thanks.”Mustering a smile, he bent down before Nicaise, waved to him, and then kissed him on the forehead.Then he kissed the top of Laurent’s head as well.“I love you,” he whispered.There was no response from Laurent, which was fine.Normal.  Well, the new normal.

Then he left, locking up the apartment behind him.

When he got home, he was getting dressed—he had a security job, an overnight shift, one that allowed him to watch Nicaise during the day—when his mom knocked on his door.It was the one unfortunate part of living at home.The rest was fine, though.Rent and food were free and that was the best he could hope for, especially considering his dad wasn’t really talking to him, not since he’d dropped out of college.

“Yeah?” he sighed.

“What about taking the night off?” his mom said, entering the room and sitting on the edge of his bed.“Stay home, watch a movie with us, and then get some actual sleep.”

“I don’t want to get fired.”

“Honey, you don’t even need the job.”

“Oh yeah?That what dad thinks?”

Sighing, she said, “No.Of course not.But you’re killing yourself and I’m intervening.He can get over it.He will.I’m working on it.”

“I don’t blame him,” Damen murmured.

“You should.He has no right to act like this.”

“I dropped out of college, Mom.”

“Yes, you did.And he’s being absolutely ridiculous about it.Was it the right decision?Logically?No.But it was the right decision for you and he knows that.”

“It was?” Damen asked quietly.

“You would’ve regretted staying in school, especially if Laurent lost the right to parent Nicaise.I don’t think you regret this.”

Damen shrugged.

“Stay home.Just one night.”

Falling onto his bed beside his mom, Damen hung his head and nodded.Grabbing his phone, he shot a text to his boss, glad that they had such an informal arrangement because actually talking to him on the phone might’ve killed Damen right now, and then closed his eyes.He was so tired.He’d been tired ever since Auguste had died and he was pretty sure he was going to be tired for the rest of his life.

His mom’s arm wrapped around his shoulders and he leaned into her, almost instantly breaking into horrible, wracking sobs.This was why he avoided his mom.Whenever she touched him, this happened.

Wordlessly, she held him through it.Then she wiped his cheeks with the sleeves of her cardigan, leaving her hands there, cupping his face.“Are you going to talk to me today?”

His usual answer—no—was on the tip of his tongue, but then he whispered, his subconscious realizing what he needed more than he did, “I don’t know what to do.”

“About what?”

“Laurent,” Damen said.“I need him right now, but he’s…we haven’t talked since Auguste…all he can manage is small talk and I can’t take it anymore.I mean, I’ll stay with him, do what he needs me to do, of course I will, but it’s starting to feel like obligation.God, I’m such a horrible person.He lost his brother and I’m…”That, frankly, was the least of it.They’d been so close to _something_ before this had all happened and now they were so far away, Damen wasn’t even sure he was in the tunnel, let alone seeing the light at the end of it.

“You are not a horrible person,” his mom said.“You are a beautiful person and you try so hard and you love that boy so much.And he knows, because he loves you the same way."  There was a beat of silence, where she stared at him.  "Do you know what I’m going to say?”

“No.”

“You tell him how you’re feeling.Someone has to break the ice, sweetheart.It’s not going to break without some help and I know you’d like it to be him, I know it would make you feel more safe and secure, like you aren’t intruding on his space, but he’s not going to break it.It’s got to be you.And when you do, you have to tell him what you need.”

“I don’t think he can give it to me,” Damen said.

“If he can’t, he’s not who I think he is.”

“Course he’s not.His brother is dead.I don’t know who he is anymore.I don’t know who I am anymore.”

She shook her head, wiping away more tears, and kissing him on the forehead.“Who he _is_.At the core, you two are incredibly similar.It’s why you’re such good friends.At the deepest level of who you are, the part hardest to change, you’re the same.And you know how I know that?”

“Because you’re my mom?”

Laughing, she shook her head.“Because you dropped out of college.You got an awful job so that you could look after Laurent’s nephew during the day.And you did all of that so Laurent could finish school, because you knew school was important to him.”

“Yeah.”

“My point is, if you tell him what you need, he will give it to you.”

“How do you know that?”

“How do you not?”

“I don’t know much these days,” Damen said.“I just wake up, take care of Nicaise, work, and go back to sleep.That’s all I know.”

“He would do anything for you, Damen.”

“I guess.”

“Well, think about it.Now, come downstairs.We’ll eat and you can pick whatever movie you want.Sound alright?”

Nodding, Damen stood, sniffling, and followed his mom down the stairs and into the kitchen, where his dad was working on dinner.Their eyes met and for a second, Damen thought he was going to look away, continue to ignore him, but the aching tiredness must’ve finally caught up to his face, because his dad frowned and said, “You look like shit, son.”

Damen laughed shortly.“I certainly feel like shit.”

His dad wasn’t one for apologies, but when he smiled and offered Damen a knife, a request for help with dinner, Damen knew they were going to be alright.Smiling back, he accepted the knife and started to chop onions.

 

When Laurent got home the next day—in the late morning—Damen didn’t even hesitate to follow him into his bedroom.Settling Nicaise between the two of them, he laid down and said, “You’re home early.”

“My third class was canceled.”

“That’s the African American lit class, right?”

Laurent nodded, looking slightly impressed, as though even he had trouble remembering which of his classes were which.Honestly, he probably did.

Staring at the ceiling, Laurent asked, “How was Nicaise today?”

“Just fine.As always.I love him, you know.”Raising himself over Nicaise, he kissed him on the tip of his nose and whispered, “That’s right, kid.I love you.Lots and lots.” 

Nicaise grinned up at him, waggling his arms, and said, “Wuv you.”

Smiling—it was hard to do anything else around Nicaise—Damen glanced up at Laurent and saw a flicker of a smile on his face.It was enough, exactly the sign Damen needed to attempt to reach out.Keeping his touch light, he took Laurent’s hand.

The smile disappeared and Damen knew he was retreating, falling back into his mind, which had to be the worst place for him to be.“Hey,” Damen said quickly.“I want to talk to you.Can we talk?”

“About what?Do you finally want financial compensation for looking after my nephew?”

“Jesus, no.”

“It’s not all that ridiculous,” Laurent murmured.“It’s inconveniencing your life.The least I could do is pay you.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I’m saying.”

“Yeah,” Damen said.“I hear and understand the words coming out of your mouth, but they don’t actually make sense.Not in context.I don’t want your money, Laurent.I’ll never want your money.I’m helping you because I love you, because you’d help me if our situations were reversed.”

“Would I?”

“Yes.”

“I never asked for your help,” Laurent said.“I would’ve been fine.”

“Well, too bad.You get it anyway.”

Heaving a sigh, Laurent tore his hand away from Damen’s and left the bedroom.Closing his eyes, willing himself to calm down, Damen picked Nicaise up and put him in his crib, talking gently to him for a few minutes before he thought he could talk to Laurent the same way.Then he left the bedroom and headed directly for the kitchen, where Laurent was busy pulling things out of the fridge, likely to make a lunch he almost certainly wouldn't eat.

Leaning against the counter and watching, Damen waited until Laurent was staring absentmindedly down at what he’d collected before he said, “Talk to me.Please.About anything.I’m so tired of this.We need each other and right now, you’re making that really difficult.”

“Upset you can’t fuck me now that my brother’s dead?”

Not once had they talked about what had almost happened that night and Damen had not expected it to get thrown in here.Frankly, he’d expected Laurent to ignore it for the rest of his life, which, suddenly, was preferable.“It wasn’t…that wasn’t all I…fuck you, Laurent.Fuck you.”Shaking his head, Damen went back into the bedroom, said goodbye to Nicaise, and made for the door.Before he closed it behind him, he said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”They weren’t the spiteful parting words he truly wanted to give, but they were true ones, and ones that would likely upset Laurent more than whatever his anger had been desperate to say.

 

After that, they didn’t talk at all, not even small talk.Damen would look after Nicaise and then leave when Laurent got home.

However terrible the small talk had been, it had been better than completely avoiding Laurent.Damen felt as though he was slowly losing his mind.He was trying to maintain a lifestyle that wasn’t sustainable and he wasn’t sure why he was doing it anymore.If they were done—though that was hard to imagine after so many years—Damen should go back to school, room with Nikandros, attempt to have a few more years of careless youth.

But it wasn’t something he could do that easily.They’d had longer silences in their friendship and it was in Damen’s nature to be optimistic and to keep his promises.

So, two weeks later, he picked up some post-it notes from Laurent’s desk—something Laurent kept in stock—and went around the apartment, sticking them to presents he’d gotten Laurent, to books that they’d shared, to movies they’d watched, to objects that mirrored objects in other places from the past, and wrote a memory on each one.Sometimes they featured Auguste and sometimes they didn’t.

Damen spent all morning doing it, only paying attention to Nicaise when he needed a diaper change or food.When he finished, a part of him felt cleansed.Not only had he dealt with some of the heavy, immutable grief over Auguste’s death, but he’d managed to do something that served not only as a plea, but as a goodbye, if that was what it came to.

Then he settled Nicaise on the couch, flipped the TV on, and started on a letter while Nicaise watched.There wasn’t much to say, but it needed to be said.

 

_Laurent,_

 

_You can’t be friends with someone if you don’t talk to them.I think you know that.And we’re not doing a whole lot of that right now.It sucks.It really, really sucks, because I need you.You’re my best friend, my home, the person—until recently—I always look forward to seeing, no matter what’s going on._

_I’m still pissed at you.You haven’t apologized for that bullshit you pulled a couple of weeks ago.I know that you were just protecting yourself, avoiding a conversation, but you need to fucking apologize for it, because it was uncalled for._

_Just to…address that…if it was something I wanted with you, it would be more than sex.Like, god, are you serious?_

_Anyway, my mom told me to tell you how I was feeling and that you would be there for me if I did.So here goes._

_It’s pretty simple, really.I miss you.I miss Auguste.My life really fucking sucks because it's a lot to juggle and I hardly sleep and I should be in school, but when I made that decision, it was worth it.Still is, if I’ve got you.If I don’t, if you really don’t need my help, I’ll just go.  I get that sometimes an entire life needs to change and if that's what you need to do, I won't stop you._

_Oh, and if you’re thinking of being an asshole just to make me go, because you’re feeling guilty or something, don’t you fucking dare.I was the one who decided to help you and maybe it’s a lot for you to deal with, but you have to.I guess what I’m saying is that you shouldn’t convince yourself letting me go is selfless or something.It’s the most selfish thing you could do._

_Don’t push me away.Okay?You and me against the world._

 

_Damen_

 

That night, when Laurent got home, Damen left without a word, same as always.

 

The next morning, when he arrived at Laurent’s bleary-eyed and about ready to pass out, Laurent was on the couch, in pajamas, eating a bowl of cereal and watching TV.Dropping his keys on the counter, Damen hurried over, completely forgetting that he’d intended not to speak until Laurent apologized, and said, “Are you sick?Do you need me to go get you something?Medicine?Soup?My mom?”

“I’m not sick,” Laurent whispered.

“Oh.Okay.”Feeling the tension unwind from his body, Damen collapsed on the floor in front of the TV and closed his eyes.God, he could fall asleep right here.He really could.

“You look terrible,” Laurent said.

Damen laughed shortly.He was positive that was an understatement.

Silence stretched between them and Damen just wanted Laurent to do something definitive, like leave for class, something that made it clear he didn’t want Damen around anymore.Of course, maybe the silence was saying enough.Opening his eyes, Damen turned his head and gazed at Laurent, eyes as blank as they’d been for months.“Don’t you have class in ten minutes?You’re not sick, right?”

“I do, yes.”

“Right.”

“I’m not going.”

“I got that,” Damen said.

Setting down his bowl on the coffee table, Laurent pulled his blanket tighter around him.Emotionlessly, he said, “I’m sorry.For what I said.And for a lot of other things.”

“Okay.”

“I don’t…” Laurent paused, obviously searching for words.“I didn’t think about what I was doing to you.I haven’t thought about much, recently.I haven’t felt anything, either.I’ve just…existed, I suppose.But you…thank you.For the post-it notes.I think I might’ve smiled.Once or twice.”

“You’re welcome,” Damen said.

“Stay,” Laurent whispered.“I’m not sure what I can give you, but stay.Please.”

“Okay.”

A ghost of a smile passed over Laurent’s face.“Come up here,” he said.“Watch _Dora the Explorer_ with Nicaise and I.”

Nodding, Damen managed to push himself up off the floor and stumble over to the couch.Picking Nicaise up, he crashed down on the couch beside Laurent, leaving Nicaise on his lap, tickling his stomach for a minute or two just to hear him giggle. 

Ever so slowly, Laurent let himself fall into Damen.A weight lifted from his chest and Damen wound his arm around Laurent’s shoulder and pulled him closer.“Sorry I threatened to leave,” he whispered.

“Don’t be.It was the first time in a long time I felt awake.”

“Yeah,” Damen said, knowing exactly what he meant.

 

Seven Years Later

 

Damen woke slowly, puzzle pieces—light, smell, the softness of the sheets—fitting into place, and then all at once, because one of the pieces was Laurent’s hand toying with his erect cock.Most touches were feather light and when Damen opened his eyes, panting slightly, Laurent smiled angelically.“Someone was excited this morning.I thought I’d help.”

“I’m not sure you’re helping,” Damen grumbled, gasping loudly when Laurent wrapped his hand around fully, twisting as he pumped up and down.Then, the whispers of touches were back.

Laurent’s eyes were sparkling with amusement.“Am I not?I could go get in the shower.I’m absolutely filthy from last night.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“Is that yes to another round?”

Rolling on top of Laurent, Damen kissed him into silence.

 

They were in the bathtub together, on opposite ends, legs entangled, when there was a knock on the bathroom door.Nicaise’s voice slipped through.“Can I come in?”

“We’re naked, kid.”

“If that’s something you don’t mind, feel free,” Laurent said.

“Seriously?”

Laurent shrugged.“I certainly don’t care.”With a small smile, he added, “Do you?”

Before Damen could answer, Nicaise came in, lowering the lid of the toilet and sitting on it, kicking his legs back and forth.Resting his head on his hands, pushing his cheeks up, he said, “Are we doing something or are you two going to be gross and boring all day?”

“Gross and boring, I’m afraid,” Laurent said.

“But you were already gross and boring.”

“Great,” Damen mumbled.“He heard us having sex.Lovely.”

“You’re loud,” Nicaise said, frowning.“Why are you so loud?It sounded like you were dying.”

Laurent burst into laughter, disturbing the water so that it clapped back and forth between the two of them.It only got worse when he noticed the flush on Damen’s face.Sighing, Damen splashed water into his face.That only transformed Laurent’s laughs into giggles and he said, “La petite mort.”

“What does that mean?” Nicaise asked.Damen hadn’t heard the term before, but he was able to guess.Either way, it hardly mattered.Whenever Laurent spoke French, it was an actual religious experience.It was very easy for him to adopt an accent like his mother’s.

“The little death.It’s another name for an orgasm.”

“That’s when the sperm comes out, right?”

Breaking into fresh giggles, Laurent nodded.“I’m sorry,” he said, when Damen glared at him.“Yes, that’s right, Nicaise.”

“Clearly, I missed the sex talk,” Damen said.

“You simply weren’t around when Nicaise asked.I’m sure we could do it again now if you want, give you the opportunity to add anything you’d like.”

“No thanks.”

“I figured as much.”

“So we’re not doing anything?” Nicaise whined.

“It’s an excellent opportunity to entertain yourself,” Laurent said.

“Well, what are you guys going to do?”

Turning to Damen, Laurent smirked, poking him in the thigh with his toes.“Yes, Damen, what are we doing?I do believe we have news to share.How would you like to go about that?”

“You’re going to tell people you had sex?” Nicaise asked.“Nik did that to Damen.Why is that a thing?Am I going to have to tell people if I have sex?”

To no one’s surprise, Laurent laughed again.This time, though, Damen listened, mostly because he wasn’t irritated at the cause.He was even laughing himself.And it was beautiful, because in it, he could hear how happy Laurent was.In his life, Damen had heard all of the laughs Laurent could offer, and this by far was the best kind, bright and slightly too loud.It was loss of control in a laugh.

When he nodded at Damen, Damen took a deep breath and said, “No.People don’t typically do that, don’t worry.No, uh, Laurent and I are getting married.At some point.You know, soon.I guess.We haven’t really talked about it.”

“This is why I share news,” Laurent sighed.“To summarize that disaster, we’re engaged.”

“Okay,” Nicaise said, unfazed.“That doesn’t solve my problem, though.”

“Go read a book,” Laurent said.

“I’ve read all my books.”

“Read mine, then.”

“You’ll let me mess around in the library?” Nicaise asked, standing in a rush, smiling wide.

“Yes.Be careful, though, please.And don’t make a mess.”

“I won’t,” Nicaise said, running out of the bathroom, forgetting to shut the door behind him, although, at this point, Damen was beginning to wonder what the point of the door even was.

Laurent prodded him again in the thigh and Damen looked at him, unable to stop himself from grinning and laughing softly.“You look uncomfortable, fiancé.”

“It is kind of cramped in here.”

“Yes, well, you are quite large.”

“And you’re quite obsessed with how large I am.”

Laurent hummed in agreement.“Maybe we should get more comfortable.I’d rather not leave this tub for a long while.It eases some of the pain.”

“I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s fine, Damen.I don’t mind it.Like it, even.”Standing without ceremony, water pitter-pattering off his body and into the tub, Laurent turned around and slid back into the water, leaning back against Damen’s chest.Winding his arms around Laurent’s waist to help, Damen leaned down and kissed his shoulder and then his neck.

“So sex was okay?” he murmured.“I didn’t really ask.After.Either time.Not about the…mental repercussions.”

“It was…you’re very gentle.”

“I tried to be, anyway.”

“I appreciated it,” Laurent said.“Immensely.”There was a beat of silence, one that was filled with the swish of water as Laurent ran his hands back and forth through it.“It wasn’t always…oh, it doesn’t matter.You were amazing.That’s all that really matters.”

“Will it get better?”

“I think so.”

“Good,” Damen said, pressing more kisses to his shoulder.“Because I kind of love having sex with you.”

“That much is obvious.”

Laughing, Damen kissed up Laurent’s neck, to his ear.He nibbled at the lobe and then whispered, “So, when do you want to get married?”

“Didn’t I say I would’ve married you yesterday?”

“Want it small?”

“Yes.As small as possible.”

Damen nodded.“I’ll start looking for places.”

At that, Laurent sat up and ran a hand through his hair, flinging some water droplets into Damen’s face.“There’s so much to do, Damen.There’s invitations and flowers and documents and vows and…”

“Hey, woah,” Damen said, tugging Laurent back against him.“We’ve got all kinds of time.We’re relaxing today.We can worry about that tomorrow.”

“I’m not sure I signed up for relaxation.”

“Can’t we?” Damen said.

“Oh, alright.Have you called Nik yet?”

“Nope.”

“Excellent.I’m glad I haven’t missed that.You’re not allowed to call him unless I’m present.”

“You’re just going to make fun of me.”

“Yes, I am.”

“You’re so irritating,” Damen said.

“Thank you.”

They laid there together in the slowly cooling bath water, occasionally emptying half and refilling with hot water, until Laurent was practically asleep, winding aimless patterns on the inside of Damen’s arm.This happened rather frequently, especially since they’d started living together, where they would simply run out of things to say.Sometimes, it was boring, but often it was comforting in its domesticity. 

Once they both started to get restless, anxious to move, anxious to do something, Damen whispered into Laurent’s ear, “I can’t believe I get to marry you.”

“It’s rather amazing it’s happening at all.”

“True.”

Lifting himself from the tub, Laurent turned and helped Damen out, too.They toweled down and then wandered into the bedroom, getting dressed.Though they had no plans for the day, Damen could sense when Laurent needed to move and right now, that was what he needed.

“Want to go on a walk?” Damen asked.

“I’d like that.Let’s call Nik while we do.”

“And here I thought the walk would be pleasant.”

Before they left, they peeked into the library, told Nicaise where they were going, promising to lock the door behind them, and then walked out the door.Laurent stopped at his garden before they started down the street, giving it a glance over, and nodding with satisfaction.Damen took his hand and they were off.There was a circle of paths and suburban streets that took around twenty minutes and it was perfect for a walk.Not needing any prompting from Laurent, Damen called Nikandros, putting it on speaker.

“Hey, man,” Nikandros answered.“What’s up?Wanna come over?I’ve got a family size bag of chips and a new video game.It’s complete shit, at least judging from what I played last night, but who the fuck cares?”

“Nope.I’m hanging out with Laurent today.Tomorrow?”

“Sure.Tomorrow’s good.So if you don’t want to hang, why are you calling?”

“I’ve got news.”

“Oh god.”

“Oh god?” Laurent asked.

“Oh, hey, Laurent.And yeah.Oh god.Last time he said he had news, he told me he was in love with you.”

“I remember that phone call.”

“I _knew_ you were eavesdropping,” Damen said.

“What’s the news?”

After looking at Laurent, who smiled apprehensively and nodded, Damen said, “Laurent and I are getting married.”

“Well, that’s normal,” Nikandros said.“You were the one who proposed, weren’t you?”

“I was.”

There was a heavy sigh and then Nikandros said, “Alright then.Do you need me to do anything?”

“I was counting on you, Nik,” Laurent said.

“Trust me, I think you two are fucking delusional, but I know better than to think there’s anything I can do about it.Just curious…have either of you thought about, like, dating first?You know, for at least six months or something?  I know you've known each other forever, but it's not a horrible idea anyway.”

“Nope,” Damen said.He thought about elaborating, but Nikandros already knew everything he would say.

“Cool.Well, I tried.Sorry to disappoint you, Laurent.”

“That’s perfectly alright.I’m glad you approve.Would you tell Jord for us?”

“Sure.Congratulations, guys.Seriously,” Nikandros said.

They said their thank yous and then hung up.As they finished their walk, they talked about other dreams and wishes for the wedding and Damen was genuinely caught by surprise when Laurent talked about it without hesitation, throwing out ideas just as often as Damen did.It was almost as though he’d thought about it.Extensively.He must’ve been up later last night or earlier this morning than Damen had assumed.

Once that topic run dry—there wasn’t a lot they could do without specifics—Damen said, “We need to tell my parents.”

“Perfect.”

“Really?”

“It gives us something to do.”

“Oh god, no,” Damen said.“No, we aren’t driving over there to tell them.They’ll keep us there all fucking day.And there’s an eighty percent chance Kastor will be there, especially if he got fired from another job.”

“Even better.”

“You’ve got your murder face on.”

“Do I?” Laurent asked casually, swinging their linked hands back and forth.“I can’t imagine why I would.”

“This is such a bad idea.”

“You haven’t seen them in months, Damen.I haven’t seen them in months.”

“I didn’t know you cared.”

“Were you intending to sound so petty?” Laurent asked, digging his pinky nail into Damen’s skin.

“No,” Damen sighed.“Sorry.I just…I don’t know what they’re going to think and I don’t want to see Kas and honestly, you _haven’t_ showed a strong interest in seeing my family or letting them get to know you.Just saying.”

“I know,” Laurent said.“Family is difficult for me.The possibility of losing you and Nicaise is about as much as I can handle.”

“You aren’t going to lose us.”

Smiling faintly, Laurent said, “My father said that to me after my mother died, Auguste said that to me after my father died, and you said that to me after Auguste died.Or while he was dying.I’m not sure of the timeline there.How infuriating.I suppose I wasn’t entirely conscious.”

“The world fucking owes you a break.”

“I’ve thought that my entire life.”

“Yeah, I know,” Damen said, bringing Laurent’s hand up and kissing the back of it.

They were back to the house and Laurent stopped by the car, leaning up against it, dragging Damen towards him.“Got a thing for cars?” Damen asked, leaning down and kissing him.It wasn’t an answer he needed to hear.Or, at least, he didn’t think it was, not until Laurent said, “No.Just a thing for being between a rock and a hard place.”

“Which am I in this scenario?”

Smirking, Laurent tugged Damen closer, slipping his hands into the back pockets of Damen’s jeans.They kissed and kissed and kissed until their lips were puffy and wet, their faces flushed, and their hair mussed.That was the point Damen tried to move away, to instigate some distance that would let him utilize his brain, when Laurent grabbed the hem of his shirt and reeled him back in.“Don’t go,” he whispered.And, of course, the only response to that was to kiss him again, trailing hands underneath his shirt and up his back.

How long they were against the car, Damen didn’t know.He would’ve gone for a lot longer if it hadn’t been for Laurent, who had managed to sneak Damen’s phone out of his pocket while they were kissing.Before he flitted away, he bit down hard on Damen’s bottom lip, making Damen’s knees weak.

Laughing, Laurent fiddled around with the phone and then pressed it against his ear.“Hello?Yes, it’s Laurent.Damen and I would like to come over today if that’s alright.Oh, and my nephew, too, of course.”

He smiled at Damen as he talked, choking down on his laughter when Damen groaned and slumped back against the car.Mostly, it was for show.He didn’t actually mind.Any of it.While it was something he never would’ve done to Laurent—Damen didn’t even know the password to his phone, actually—Damen was unconcerned with his privacy.Laurent, Nikandros, Nicaise, Jord…they could all take and use whatever of his they wanted without asking and it wouldn’t disturb him in the slightest.

When Laurent was off the call, he said, “Your parents are expecting us in an hour.”

“That was very presumptuous of you.”

“I would’ve convinced you, I promise.”Handing back the phone, he said, “If it’s genuinely not something you want to do, I can call and cancel.But, Damen, _darling_ , it is the kind of news you typically deliver in person.Particularly with relatives.”

“Can’t you call me ‘darling’ without the sarcasm?”

“I could.”

“God, you’re so irritating.”

Smiling, Laurent stepped back into his space, lighting up the world just a little, and said, so softly, “Darling, I will flay Kastor alive if you ask it of me.It will be fine.Maybe he won’t even be there.”

“I’m not sure he cares about being flayed alive.”

“I can make him care.Everyone has weak spots, Damen.Everyone.”

“I wish I didn’t want you to find his.”

“I know,” Laurent whispered.“And I wish I didn’t want to.”


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiiiiiiii  
> I know I don't need to explain myself, but I'm going to anyway because it's been so long and I never meant for it to get this long.  
> I, essentially, had a six month long mental breakdown. Not constant, but constant enough. A lot of things changed in my life all at once and I didn't handle all of it well and I'm only now getting comfortable with the changes and picking back up all the things I dropped. This was one of them. But I want you to know this was never abandoned and it will never be. It's so close to being done and I'm seeing it out until the goddamn end because it's important to me.  
> I also want to say that your comments and messages and everything else have meant the world to me. They've made this possible. They made this happen months sooner than it might've. I love you all dearly. And to the people who personally messaged me on tumblr, I saw your messages and they mean everything to me. I know I haven't responded, but I promise I will and soon. Very soon. I finally have the energy to do so. Never once think it had anything to do with you.  
> Anyway, this is largely unedited and the timeline doesn't make any sense anymore and I don't even know if it's good, but I did it. This is the only this chapter can happen, so I hope it's alright. The next one will not be this much of a goddamn struggle.  
> Thank you and enjoy! <3

Stepping into Laurent’s apartment, shifting and moving around all of the boxes, and found him in the bedroom, Nicaise sitting on the edge of the bed, short, stubby legs dangling, as he watched Laurent try on his graduation cap.

They both turned to look at him when he entered and Laurent immediately pouted, tugging his graduation cap from his head and tossing it on to the bed.“This is ridiculous,” he said.“I don’t want to walk and there’s no one to walk for.”

“There’s me,” Damen said, holding out the flowers he had been holding behind his back.Laurent accepted them with a small smile and buried his nose into the middle, murmuring a compliment as he did.Smiling softly, Damen said, “Walk for the both of us.”

“Perhaps I shouldn’t have complained.”

“Honestly, I’m happy whenever you complain.”

“Why on earth are you happy about that?”

“Because you only started doing it again in the last year,” Damen said.

“Yes, well, when you don’t care about anything, complaining is rather pointless,” Laurent said, handing the flowers off to Nicaise.They were practically as big as his body, but he seemed to like them, setting them down on the bed and poking and prodding at the flowers, asking Laurent which flower was which.Allowing the possible continuation of his and Damen’s conversation to end, Laurent identified each one, occasionally listing other facts if he knew any.

Damen left them to it, walking out of the bedroom and falling down onto the couch, hoping Laurent would come out eventually.He was supposed to be at the site of the English department’s graduation ceremony in less than an hour.

The truth was, Damen didn’t care much that he walked.What he did think Laurent deserved, however, was a proper celebration of his accomplishments in the last couple of years.Not only had he gone to school, but he’d taken care of himself and Nicaise, no easy task when you were struggling to find reasons to stay alive.

Shaking that thought away—it was not a conversation Damen preferred to dwell on—he focused on his plans for the rest of the night.They were rather simple, nothing like what Damen imagined other college graduation parties to be like.It was just going to be the three of them.Damen knew that would make Laurent happiest and it would be an understatement to say that was what Damen cared about most these days.

They were both still trying to find even ground after Auguste’s death.There were still days Damen got frustrated, still days when Laurent couldn’t will himself to engage with anyone, still days when Nicaise sat quietly, unsure what exactly he was missing, but missing something.

As far as Damen was concerned, ghosts existed.They didn’t rattle pipes or moan quietly, getting mistaken for wind, or float through walls.They simply stayed in the holes they’d abandoned, flickering echoes, present enough to matter, but not present enough to shape or affect the realities of the world, the biggest reality being that they were not alive.

Auguste was a ghost and neither he or Laurent could shake him.

They deserved this.They deserved one night to celebrate a milestone of being alive.

“Alright, I suppose I’m ready,” Laurent said, interrupting Damen’s thoughts.“How do I look?”

Shifting on the couch, Damen rested his chin on the back cushions and smiled.“Like a graduate.”

“Fantastic,” Laurent said sarcastically, fussing with his robes, trying to straighten them on his shoulders. When one side or another kept slipping to the side and Nicaise started laughing, Laurent scowled.“Let’s get this over with.”

 

The ceremony had been long and boring and Nicaise had two separate tantrums, Damen having to do his best to calm him in his chair.It auditorium they had been in was much too large and the crowds much too thick to bother getting up, leaving, then returning.

He hadn’t missed Laurent, though, thankfully.Though Damen could hardly even discern his face from where he was sitting, he still felt an unrivaled wave of pride.He’d clapped as loudly as possible and reveled in the moment, struck with how normal he felt, how normal this was. 

The second it was over, they’d been out of there, not lingering like the other families, who took pictures and mingled with their extended family, accepting thanks and, often, money.

And now, they were back in Laurent’s apartment, boxes ready to be moved acting as their furniture, and they were eating a cake.A lot of cake.Two pieces each. 

“He’s going to start bouncing off walls,” Laurent murmured into Damen’s ear, glancing at Nicaise, who was licking frosting from his plate, fork abandoned somewhere on the floor.

Damen shrugged.“We’re celebrating.”

“Well, when it becomes unbearable, I’m going to remember it’s your fault.”

“I know.”

Rolling his eyes, Laurent took another bite of cake, closing his eyes as he savored.It was a ridiculously rich, chocolatey confection and Damen was beginning to regret eating as much as he had, but he knew Laurent was pleased with every bite.

“So, I got you a present,” Damen said, when Laurent opened his eyes once more.

“You got me cake.”

“You’re really going to fight me on this?”

“It’s completely unnecessary.”

“So you are.”

“Presents?” Nicaise asked.

“Well, I can just give it to Nicaise,” Damen laughed as Nicaise nodded enthusiastically.“I’m sure he’ll be thrilled with it for about five minutes.”

Sighing, Laurent held out his hand.Grinning, Damen leapt off the couch and went to the kitchen, pulling it out from one of the least used cabinets.Then he handed it to Laurent.

“How long was that there?” Laurent asked.

“A week or so.”

“Good god.What have I been doing?”

“Finals.”

“Oh, right.Those.Fuck those.”

“You never have to do them again,” Damen said.

Smiling, genuinely and softly, Laurent replied, “Best news I’ve heard in a long while.”Then, carefully, making sure not to tear the paper—he’d always done that—Laurent unwrapped the present.First, he laughed and then he became distant.It was to be expected.

Reaching over, Damen pressed the arm of the bear.Auguste’s voice spilled out.It was only his voicemail recording—Damen had made sure to record it before his phone was disconnected—but it was something. 

He’d known it would be a difficult gift, but there’d been nothing else to give.

Sensing that this was going to transform the night and possibly not for the best, Damen went over to Nicaise and picked him up, dipping him a couple of times to distract him from the sudden mood shift in the room.Giggling, Nicaise screamed and Damen laughed, kissing him all over his face as he carried him to bed.

Once Nicaise was tucked in, Damen returned to complete and utter silence.

“I’m sorry,” he said.“I know…”

“Shut up,” Laurent said, not taking his eyes off the bear.It was fluffy and brown, relatively boring, actually, but clearly more than capable of holding Laurent’s attention.

Sighing, Damen slipped his arm around Laurent’s shoulders and pulled him in tight.Easily, Laurent fell into him.

“Do you hate it?”

“No.”

“I just thought if he were here, he would’ve been really proud of you and he deserved to have a bit of this day.”

Laurent nodded.In a ragged voice, he whispered, “I thought he’d be here.”

“I know.”

“I thought a lot of people would be here.”

“And all you got was me.”

Surprisingly, Laurent slapped him hard on the chest.Sitting up, dislodging Damen’s arm, he cupped Damen’s face in his hands, bringing back vague and complicated memories of the summer before Damen went to college, when he was unsure exactly what he wanted from Laurent.Fixing his eye’s on Damen’s, pinning him, Laurent said, “Do not say that to me.”

“Okay,” Damen whispered.

“I would be empty without you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“You overestimate me.”

“Never,” Damen said, smiling softly.Taking Laurent’s hands in his, Damen removed them from his face and placed them in Laurent’s lap.“You underestimate yourself.Trust me.”

Laurent stared at him.

“Laurent, you managed to get through college in four years while taking care of a kid, dealing with the death of your brother, and working a job.You do realize how completely insane that is, don’t you?”

“But I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Why is arguing with you always like this?”

Smirking, Laurent said, “Because I’m always right, Damen.Surely you’ve learned that by now.”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“You aren’t right about this.You’re stronger, braver, better than you give yourself credit for.”Eyeing Laurent, watching as he closed up, Damen shrugged and curled his arm more tightly around Laurent.“It’s fine if you don’t believe me now.One day, you will.” 

 

Four Years Later

 

“I’m going to reiterate how bad of an idea this is.”

“We’re already halfway there.”

“You say that like turning around is impossible,” Damen mumbled, watching yet another U-turn possibility pass them by.Not that he would’ve missed it.Nicaise had taken up pointing them out whenever he noticed them, which was less often than Damen did, but enough to transform the attitude in the car.At this rate, Laurent would be in a noxious mood by the time they arrived at Damen’s parent’s.It was not helping the warning throbbing low in Damen’s chest.

“Is this about something else?”

“Nope, definitely just Kastor.”

“Are you sure?You don’t even know if he’s going to be there.”

Rolling his eyes, Damen said, “I want them to know, Laurent.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, are my insecurities an issue for you?”

“Are mine?”

They settled into a tense silence.Then Laurent murmured, “Let’s turn around, then.We can reschedule.”

“No, that’s dumb.We’re halfway there.”

“Incredible,” Laurent breathed.

“Hey, I bet you could turn around there!”

The light a few hundred in front of them slipped from green to yellow and Damen slammed on the breaks.Now that the car was still, the silence was more pronounced, not even tires spinning against asphalt easing it.Nicaise started to hum a song.Looking back at him in the rearview mirror, Damen considered asking him to stop, but then saw his legs swinging back and forth, a happy smile on his face, as though he was oblivious.Damen knew he wasn’t.

It was likely he was trying to diffuse the situation.

If Damen hadn’t noticed, it wouldn’t have worked, but he couldn’t let the kid’s efforts go to waste.“I want to tell everyone, whether they care or not,” he said quietly.“It’s not about us.”

Face impassive and impossible to read, Laurent said, “I understand, of course.They’ve known both of us for a very long time.If it was going to be hard to tell anyone, it would be them.”

“Laurent.”

Laurent sighed.“You have nothing to fear from Kastor.Trust me.”

“Trust _me_.”Knowing it was safe now, Damen reached over and laid his hand on Laurent’s thigh. 

“Light’s green,” Laurent replied, but he trailed a finger down the back of Damen’s hand before turning to look out the window and Damen knew they were alright, so he moved his hand away and focused on driving.Arguing with Laurent—and remedying said arguments, for that matter—was a study in body language and interpretation and experience.It was lucky, frankly, they’d been friends for a very long time, because Damen couldn’t quite imagine Laurent falling in love any other way.He was prone to a kind of self-destruction that exploded into the faces of others as well, whoever it was originally aimed at.

It wasn’t something Damen forgot, not really, but it was something that sometimes existed in a sort of nebulous place in his mind because it was so rarely directed at him.

Kastor was fucked.

Which made Damen feel a little better.

“Do you think Egeria will let me bake brownies again?” Nicaise asked from the back and Damen laughed, thinking back to that day and how he’d managed to cover half the kitchen and all of himself in brownie batter, how he’d gotten sick from licking it all off. 

“Course,” he said.Nicaise beamed and Damen laughed again.One day, soon, Nicaise was going to figure out just how much power he had and then life was going to get very interesting.Because refusing him, for anyone, was impossible.

 

“That’s his car,” Damen said as they pulled up to the curb in front of his parent’s house, in front of the place where they grew up, a place that always made him feel nostalgic and Laurent sad.

Beside him, Laurent smirked.“It’s seen better days, hasn’t it?”

The back left light was broken and dirt caked it, making the red rusty.Nodding weakly, Damen said, “Hey, can I remind you he’s my brother?”

“I’m aware how familial relations work, thank you, Damen.”

Wincing for Kastor, Damen turned off the car and hopped out, heading to the back and opening Nicaise’s door for him.Nicaise made to hop out, but Damen caught him and placed him on top of his shoulders.Lightly, Nicaise gripped his hair.“Get my mom to bake brownies with you as soon as possible, kay?” Damen said.

“I’ve seen Laurent smash people before.”

“Don’t need to sound so gleeful about it.”

Giggling, Nicaise pointed forward.“Onward, steed.”

“As you command, Your Highness,” Damen replied amiably.Laurent was standing at the base of the walkway up to the door, but he wasn’t facing it.He was staring at the house next door as though it was a problem to be solved.

“Probably can’t stamp out those feelings, babe.”

“Do shut up,” Laurent said, turning away and heading for the door.He knocked twice and then let himself in, knowing as well as Damen the front door was rarely locked.Damen wasn’t even inside, but he heard his mom’s voice, gravelly but warm, greeting Laurent with familiarity.

On his shoulders, Nicaise was wriggling, excited and wanting down.Smiling, Damen helped him down and watched as he rushed into the house, shouting Egeria’s name.For a moment, Damen just stood at the threshold to his childhood home and let it wash over him, the calmness, the rightness.

When he finally entered, his dad, unoccupied, hugged him tightly and slapped his back.“Good to see you, son.”

“So Kastor’s here, huh?”

Frowning, his dad said, “Yeah, we can’t shake him recently.”It was clearly meant to be a joke, judging by his weak laugh after, but Damen didn’t laugh.He knew his dad and his dad was not having it.He was simpler, more traditional, and neither of his sons was supposed to be this attached this late in life.

“Really?”

“Your mom thinks he’s been hoping to run into you.”

“Great,” Damen groaned.

“What happened?”

“Nothing, Dad, it’s not a big deal.”

They exchanged a look, but then his dad dropped it.They all filed into the kitchen, the center of the house, and crowded around the counter, sitting on stools or standing, his dad moving to the stove and stirring some sort of sauce.Nicaise was trailing after Damen’s mom, who started pulling bowls out and ordering him around the kitchen, telling him where to find ingredients.

“So, don’t get us wrong,” she said as she took the brownie mix from Nicaise’s hands, “we love when you visit, but you don’t really.And Laurent definitely doesn’t arrange it.”

“I’m twenty-six now, Egeria.I can make phone calls.”

“Laurent,” she smiled, voice teasing, “I know you still hate it.”

“True.” 

“So?” Damen’s dad asked. 

Unable to help himself, Damen looked at Laurent.Rolling his eyes, Laurent said, “I made the phone call.Surely, you can manage this much.”

“Boys, just tell us,” his mom said.It was the kind of exasperated perfected over many years, the kind of exasperated that could only come from knowing someone for their entire life, that could only come from raising them.

“Uh…” Damen began, scratching the back of his neck, ducking his head.

“So it’s that kind of news,” his dad said.

“How long do you think we’re going to have to wait before he stops laughing?”

“Depends on if Laurent starts laughing.”

“Maybe I’ve got time to shear the roses.”

“Hon, we don’t have roses.”

“I’ve probably got time to plant some _and_ shear them,” his mom said and then both his parents burst into laughter and Damen groaned.Laurent took his hand underneath the counter and squeezed gently. 

Damen hadn’t anticipated it being this hard.These were two people who’d been through everything with him and they loved him completely, unconditionally.It should be easy.But he and Laurent had always been one thing and now they were something different and it was a change that was difficult to explain unless you’d lived through it.And this was not something he wanted to explain, it was something he wanted understood and accepted.

Still, this wasn’t going to go away.Now was better than later.It was why they’d come.

Hissing out a low breath, forcing himself to make eye contact, Damen said, “Laurent and I are engaged,” and immediately flushed.Laurent snorted, laughing silently.

A whole lot of blinking followed his words, then meaningful glances, and then his dad walked out of the room, not saying a word and Damen didn’t know what to do.All the hopes he’d been protecting, trying hard not to feel just in case something like this happened, plummeted, their presence like waves, once lapping, now crashing. 

Laurent kissed the back of his hand.Looking over, Damen caught the edge of a smile and he smiled back.It gave him enough strength to look at his mom and say, “Why aren’t you saying anything, Mom?”

A few tears escaped her eyes and slipped down her cheek as she handed Nicaise a bowl of brownie batter to mix, knowing he liked to try and do it by hand.“Oh, honey,” she said, “I’m just so happy.”

“Is…is Dad?”

She opened her mouth to respond when his dad returned, a bottle of champagne in hand.He stopped at the threshold of the kitchen and frowned.“What happened?Where’s the celebratory mood I’m looking for?”

“You just…walked out, Dad.”

“Well, all our champagne is in the garage.Wait, you thought I…really?”

“Yeah, I did.Don’t do shit like that.”

His dad raised his hands and then tugged out the cork at the top of the bottle, a loud popping sound breaking the tense atmosphere.“Who wants a glass?”

“I’d love one,” Laurent said.

“Really?” his dad asked.

“No.”

Fetching three flute glasses from the cabinet, his mom laughed.“So have you set a date?” she asked as his dad poured out the champagne.

“No, but I’m sure…”

“Yes, I have ideas,” Laurent said, finishing his thought.That made his parents laugh and the two of them started listing off their own ideas, talking about weather and locations and where they got married, and soon it had devolved into their wedding planning stories.Laurent listened patiently and Damen drank his champagne, watching Laurent with a smile.These were stories he’d heard before, he didn’t need to pay too much attention.

When Laurent finally noticed he was being watched, he smirked and leaned in close.“My, champagne works quickly, doesn’t it?”

“It’s not the alcohol.”

“Mm, are you suggesting it’s me?”

“Not just suggesting.”

Grinning, Laurent snatched the champagne glass from Damen’s fingers and took a sip.“Expensive,” he said to Damen’s dad.

“As stable adults, it’s our job to be prepared to party at a moment’s notice.”

“If you’re Theo, anyway,” Damen’s mom said, rolling her eyes at Nicaise, who giggled.

Laurent’s head tilted to the side and Damen zeroed in on the movement, not expecting it.Eyes darkening, Laurent whispered into his ear, “I think Kastor is about to make an appearance.”

“Oh god.”

Sure enough, the stairs creaked.Laurent must’ve heard a floorboard under Kastor’s feet.Closing his eyes, Damen reached out blindly, Laurent guiding the champagne to his hand, and he downed the rest of it in one swallow.Wiping his mouth, he felt anger bubbling under his skin. 

“It’s okay to be angry,” Laurent said to him.“It’s okay, Damen.”

“What’s going on?” Damen’s mom asked. 

“Hey, Kas.Damen and Laurent are getting married.Come celebrate with us,” Damen’s dad said, eyes directed towards the door of the kitchen.Kastor was right behind him.Swallowing down nausea he didn’t want, Damen stood abruptly.Laurent didn’t move, but his eyes stayed fixed on Damen, calm and steady.Someone, his mom, probably, asked what was going on, their voice tinny and distant.

His gaze not straying, Laurent said, “Kastor fucked Jokaste while Damen was still seeing her.It’s why they broke up.Isn’t that right, Kastor?”

“Goddammit, Kas,” Damen’s dad murmured.

“I can’t be here,” Damen finally managed.“I’m going to punch him.”

“Not in this house, you’re not.Go to the living room, honey,” Damen’s mom said, voice soft.It was a dangerous kind of soft.Already overwhelmed with emotion, Damen realized he was on the verge of tears.As a parent, he knew it was hard to take sides when both of your kids were involved.It was nice they were making the effort to let Damen know whose side they were on here.

“Laurent, you should go with him.”

“Very well.”

Taking Damen’s hand, Laurent helped him up and led him to the living room.Nicaise, knowing when he wasn’t wanted, pattered behind them.Together, they settled on a couch, shoulders pressed together.Not one of them said anything for a long time.“You should’ve stayed in there,” Damen said.“I’m okay.”

“I will get my time to say what I want to say later.Your parents have a right to deal with it as a family.”

“You are family.”

“Maybe.”

“You are.You _both_ are,” Damen said, wanting Nicaise to feel included.

“You are not going to convince me in a day, Damen.This is something we can argue about later.”

“Fine,” Damen sighed.

“ _You_ should go in there, however.”

“No.”

“It would be good for you.”

“Who cares?”

“You should,” Laurent said.“You are not someone who is prone to emotional distance.And I promise you, you want it to stay that way.Do not let this mess you up.Kastor doesn’t deserve the opportunity to do that.”

“Okay.”

Laurent nodded and nudged him.“Get up, then.Before I set Nicaise on you.”

A laugh escaping him, Damen did as he was asked.Bending down, he kissed the top of Laurent’s head and murmured into his hair, “Fuck, I love you.”

“Stop dallying.”

“Just saying.”

Rolling his eyes, Laurent said, “And I love you.Go.”

Taking a deep breath, Damen ruffled Nicaise’s hair and nodded.Carefully, strangely desperate not to make a sound, Damen entered the kitchen, which was dead silent, oddly quiet and foreign.This was the place he’d grown up, but it did not feel like it.It was the first time in this house that he felt like an adult and not a kid playing at being an adult.

Kastor was in the seat he’d vacated, head in his hands.His parents were across the island.They didn’t look mad, which wasn’t a surprise—they tended to believe their children’s business was their own and that they should stay very far away from it—but they did look disappointed.And that was almost worse.

“You’re not going to punch him, are you?” his mom asked, breaking the silence.

“No,” Damen whispered.

Kastor forced his head up and grimaced at Damen, his eyes rimmed with red, hair disheveled.A pang of pity swept through Damen, but he couldn’t tell if it was born of malice or genuine sympathy.

Either way, Kastor looked terrible.It wasn’t the sort of terrible he’d looked in the past, either, whether he’d been dabbling in drugs or struggling with insomnia.This was the sort of terrible born of a huge mistake.They weren’t close, but they were brothers and in his eyes, Damen could see that Kastor knew that and that it mattered to him.A little, at least.

“I’m sorry,” he said in a gravelly voice, to his credit, not looking once at their parents, who probably insisted he apologize.Then again, if he’d been coming here in hopes of running into Damen, the intention had likely been there before now.

“Okay.”

“I…well, I didn’t mean to.It wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“Okay.”

“That’s it?”

Damen considered that.“No, actually.Fuck you.”

“Fair enough,” Kastor sighed, doing what he always did, taking each and every part of life in stride, doing little to change what he didn’t like.This time, it did him credit.But it was also how the thing between him and Jokaste had happened.

“How is she?” Damen asked quietly.

“Jokaste?”

“Yeah.”

“Fuck if I know.Haven’t seen her since.”

“God, you’re such a dick.”

“Thanks, bro.”

“Anytime,” Damen said, grabbing the stool beside Kastor and glancing at his parents.There was nothing for anybody to say and Damen was alright with the silence.They’d done this before as a family.Damen would bet it was a relatively universal family experience, in fact.

It didn’t take him long to realize that most of his anger had dissipated.Laurent had been right.Standing up for himself, facing Kastor alone, had been exactly what he needed.It was a nice reminder that he could be strong on his own.Laurent was simply a fall back and one he hadn’t needed this time.

“Anyone up for Pictionary?” Damen asked.

“Seriously?” Kastor replied.

“We’re family, Kas.That’s how this works.”

“I don’t…”

“Kas, darling,” his mom said, “come on.It’s been ages since we’ve beat Damen.Give it a go.”Her voice was sweet, but her eyes were not.

“Fine.”

“Pictionary?” Laurent said, strolling into the room, Nicaise holding his hand.“Do you mind if I watch?It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Kastor throw a board game across the room.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

“Don’t talk to him like that,” Damen said.

“You guys are really dating?”

“Yeah.And don’t you dare make a joke about how you fucking Jokaste got us here.If you do, I’m leaving.”

Grimacing, Kastor wisely kept his mouth shut.He kept it shut most of the game, too, and he didn’t make a single move to disrupt play, even when he lost.

 

As predicted, it was late when they left.Exhausted, Damen let Laurent drive.In the back seat, Nicaise was asleep, some chocolate from the brownies still lingering on the corners of his mouth.

Resting his head against the window, Damen watched the sky.The imprint of the trees against it was captivating enough for him.

“You’re too good of a person, you know.Kastor didn’t deserve a single thing you gave him tonight.”

“Deserve’s a stupid word.”

“You would think so.”

“It is,” Damen murmured.“Whether he deserved it or not, I was still going to…well, forgive him is probably too strong.I haven’t done that.”

“And you shouldn’t.”

“I thought you were going to demolish him.”

“That sounds like a question,” Laurent said.

“Maybe it is.”

“I thought you handled it fine on your own.I would never presume to fight your battles for you unless you wanted me to.You’ve always done the same for me.”

“Hey.”

“Hey what?”

“I want to kiss you.”

“I’m driving.”

“I know,” Damen smiled.“Just thought I’d tell you.”

“I want to kiss you, too.Fiancé.”

“You know just what to say, don’t you?”

“You’re very predictable.”

As Damen laughed, there was a break in the trees, revealing the moon, bright and full.Somehow, despite all that had happened, it had still been a good day.“Can you see the moon?” he asked softly.

“Yes.”

“Beautiful, huh?”

“Very.”

“Thank you for today.”

“Whenever, Damen.”


End file.
